Giving birth a month early, I hadn’t gotten a chance to finish the baby room. I’d been able to bring Justice home after only one week in the hospital—a wonderful blessing.
Justice is asleep in the bassinet and Dari is helping me with the finishing touches. Justice’s room is decorated in a zoo animal theme. We are doing the final touches, hanging up picture frames. Dari lifts her arm, hanging a picture of a mother and baby elephant. As she does, I notice bluish and dark brown marks on her wrist. Seeing them stirs a nefarious emotion in me. I’ve had similar marks on both wrists. Dari is almost as light complected as me—a golden honey color, which makes the bruises easy to see.
Absentmindedly, I grab her wrist. “What’s this?”
Her brown eyes dilate momentarily. She pulls her wrist away from me quickly. “Oh, it’s nothing. I ... just hurt myself.”
Placing my hand on my hips, I say, “Hurt yourself how? I’ve had the same bruises before. After that night....”
Dari bites her lip looking away. “It’s not a big deal, really.”
“Tell me what happened? You can confide in me.”
Dari sighs. “Darius and I had an argument. When I walked away from him, he grabbed my wrist. He didn’t want me to leave.”
“If it’s nothing, then why lie and say you hurt yourself?”
“Because I didn’t want you to get upset or the wrong idea.”
“Darius must have been gripping you tightly to leave those marks.” I would know.
“Darius didn’t realize he had such a tight grip. I’m light complected and bruise easily.”
I don’t know if I’m buying it. “Has he ever done anything like this before?”
“He has a temper, but this is the first time, I swear.”
“With what I’ve been through, seeing bruises on you makes me uneasy.”
“I completely understand where you’re coming from. Darius felt horrible when he saw my wrist.”
“I only want you to be happy, Dari, and safe.”
“I am.”
“So, you’re still with him.”
“I’ve fallen for Darius. I gave myself to him, and I want it to work.”
“Just promise me you’ll be careful.”
“Of course, I will.” Dari grabs another picture of three giraffes. “This one is my favorite. I love giraffes. Where should we hang it?”
I’m not immune to the abrupt subject change. I’ll leave it be for now—praying it’s a onetime incident, and the boy my cousin’s fallen for doesn’t end up hurting her worse.
* * *
Justice is a good baby, only waking up every three to four hours to eat. I’ve heard the horror stories of babies who wake up every two hours. Although I’m getting a fair amount of sleep each night, the nightmares start to seep back in. I think they’re reminding me of what I need to do—seek justice for the wrongdoings done to me.
Gigi told me Ms. Driver had asked about me in church last Sunday. The last time we spoke, I’d told her I wanted to move forward. Ms. Driver had relayed she would get back with me in a couple of weeks, and then I delivered almost a month early.
I need to call her for an update. I’m afraid if I don’t move forward now, I’ll lose my nerve. Before my courage evaporates, I dial her number. I leave a message when she doesn’t answer, and it doesn’t take her long to return my call.
“Congratulations on the birth of your daughter,” Ms. Driver says.
“Thank you.”
“Your grandmother told me you delivered early, but your daughter is doing well.”
“Justice is doing wonderful. She’s home now.”
“That’s great news. I figured with your little one, you’d have your hands full.”
“I need to proceed before I lose my courage, because I’m doing this for her,” I admit.
“I understand. Let me know your availability, and I’ll see when we can go to the police station.” Ms. Driver clears her throat. “For the record, Ms. Guillory, I think you’re very brave.”
I’ve never been more frightened of what the future holds. “I don’t feel very courageous.”
“I’ll be with you through this every step of the way.”
* * *
I’ve never felt more self-conscious in my life. As Ms. Driver and I make our way through the station, I feel like everyone can see straight through me—see my darkest secret. The female officer behind the front desk smirks, her lips curling up slightly. I flinch, then shake the overreaction from my mind. She can’t possibly know why I’m here.
I follow Ms. Driver into an office where another female official sits behind a desk. She’s a pretty Hispanic lady who looks to be in her fifties. She greets us, instructing us to have a seat.
“Madison, this is Officer Luna. She will be taking your statement,” Ms. Driver tells me.
“It’s nice to meet you, Madison.”
“Hello, Officer Luna.”
I swallow hard, shifting in my seat.
“There is no need to be nervous, Madison. I specialize in cases like these. Trust me, there’s nothing I haven’t heard. Whenever you’re ready, please explain what happened. It’s protocol to record your statement, but you won’t even know you’re being recorded,” Luna says.
It’s more difficult to unlock the door to my secret in the police station. At church, talking it over with Ms. Driver was much easier. I don’t know if it’s Officer Luna or the police station itself that’s intimidating. Being here makes it real.
Ms. Driver senses my trepidation. “It will be no different than when we talked, Madison.”
Swallowing the moth ball in my throat, I gather my courage. “Where do I start?”
“From the beginning,” Officer Luna tells me.
* * *
A couple of weeks later, I get an irate call from Mama. Ms. Driver told me they would be contacted soon. I’ve only spoken briefly to Mama once since I left Houston, right after I’d given birth. She called saying she’d let me know when her and Tanya could come see Justice. Our last conversation she seemed willing to let bygones be bygones. Her tone of voice this time around is the polar opposite.
“Madison, what’s going on? Please tell me this is a sick joke!”
I’ve been expecting her call, hoping for the best. I should’ve known this is the response I would receive. “Why would I go to such lengths to pull a prank, Mama?”
“Don’t patronize me, young lady. Police officers served Jackson with a subpoena.”
“I think those charges speak for themselves.”
“How could you do this to Jackson?”
“Don’t you dare treat me like I’m in the wrong. Not after what I’ve gone through.”
“Are you trying to say that Jackson….”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. He manipulated and sexually assaulted me.”
“This doesn’t make sense. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I was terrified of what he might do. He threatened me more than once.”
“You wait until now, when I’m supposed to marry his father in less than two months to spring this on us. When did this happen?”
Is her future husband all she cares about?
My plan isn’t to screw up her life. I do deserve some form of normalcy. I’ve brushed what occurred under the rug for nine months. The result is a broken form of who I used to be. Refusing to let her make me feel bad about coming out with the truth, I reply, “Does it matter? It happened, and I did try to tell Tanya earlier this year. She didn’t believe me. That’s why we had the big brawl.”
“Tanya told me you attacked her because you didn’t like hearing the truth about your shortcomings.”
“She lied! Tanya knows I confessed how Jackson took advantage of me. She took up for him, even after I told her what he’d done.”
Charlotte holds the phone silently for a moment. “If that’s true, I wish you would’ve come to me.”
“Would you have believed me? What would you have done?”
“Madison, I’m still your mother. I don’t want any harm to come to you.”
I arch my eyebrow, shocked by her admission. She has a funny way of showing that she cares about me. “Sorry if I have a hard time believing you feel that way.”
“What about Justice’s father?”
“I’ve only engaged in sexual intercourse once.”
“What?” Her voice shakes. “Wait … you told me yourself, the father was a boy from Elsik.”
Sighing, I admit to her. “That was a lie on my part, against my better judgment.”
“You’re saying … Jackson is her father?”
“Yeah, he is. I wouldn’t lie about this. Look, this isn’t easy for me. I didn’t know how to handle my situation. Tanya didn’t believe me, and I wasn’t sure how you’d react. So, I just … continued to do what I had been, pretending everything was okay.”
“I’m … not sure what to say.”
Sniffles cross over the line. I can tell she’s crying. Overwhelming emotions course through me. I hold them at bay. I’m not sure if she is crying because of what I’ve gone through, or if skeletons coming out of the closet will rain on her parade. “I tried to forget it happened, and then Jackson attempted to have his way with me again. I fought him off the second time. Once I found out I was pregnant, there was no more hiding from the problem.”
“So now you’re after justice? Is that the reason behind her name?”
“I thought the name was fitting. I didn’t plan some elaborate scheme. I attempted to go on with life as best I could. My constant night terrors are a clear indication that I need to deal with my dilemma. Gigi also feels this is what I should do.”
“Of course, she does. Having a legal debate is sure to make the situation better.”
“If I don’t press charges, I’ll never have peace. I’m doing this for myself, my daughter, and any future women Jackson tries to manipulate.” I take in a deep breath. “Do you even believe me?”
“What you’re telling me is a lot to take in,” she sighs. “Sexual coercion? Were you and Jackson messing around beforehand? Did you somehow lead him on?”
This is a complicated situation. I stop myself from saying it was Justin, I was messing around with. She’ll only try to twist it around, like I was encouraging Jackson’s advances. I think it’s best if Ms. Driver explains. I answer her, leaving Justin out of the equation. “Jackson and I were not fooling around beforehand. He came in my room the day after Christmas and made advances toward me.”
“So, he … forced himself on you?”
“I did consent at first, but he wasn’t gentle. It was very … painful.”
“That’s one-on-one, Madison. Losing your virginity isn’t pleasant. So, he got a little rough and you got upset? Is that what this boils down to?”
This woman is a piece of work. “I told him he was hurting me. He promised it would get better—the pain only magnified. When I asked him to stop, his response was pinning my arms above my head and holding me down.” Mama exhales loudly. “Have you ever begged a man to stop and he wouldn’t?”
“Madison, I….” She doesn’t finish her sentence.
What can she say? Her silence lets me know she’s never been in that predicament.
Finally, she says, “I think this may be a misunderstanding. You sent him mixed signals by willing having sex with him. When men get into the act, they’re in a world of their own. Jackson probably didn’t intentionally mean to hurt you.”
“My belief is that if you ask a man to stop, then he should, regardless of whether you went along with it at first. For once, I hoped you’d choose me—be on my side.”
“This isn’t about choosing sides.”
“You’re right, it’s about you not wanting to accept the truth because it might mess up your new happy home.” I fill her in on the rest. “If Jackson had no intentions of hurting me, then afterward, why did he threaten me? When he saw I was upset, he wrapped his hands around my neck.” She sucks in a deep breath. “I guess that’s all a part of losing your virginity.”
“I’m your mother, don’t take that tone of voice with me. I’m only trying to figure this out.”
I’m so done with this conversation. “I’m sorry if you don’t want to accept reality. I finally had to. My secret is out now. Whether you want to or not, you’re going to have to deal with this. Jackson needs to face the consequences for what he’s done. See you soon, Charlotte.”
With that, I hang up on her. I had been raised better than talking crazy to my elders. I’ve never dared to call my parents by their first name to their face. She really made me angry by not giving me a straight answer about believing me. I don’t feel bad for going off on her. Charlotte is what I’ll call her from now on. She is not my mother—she’s only the woman who gave birth to me.
All I’ve ever wanted is her love. As more time passes, it’s becoming apparent I’m never going to get that from her. Another fact of life I’ll somehow have to cope with.