Barbara was distant when she got back to Kent’s after work, so Emily decided to make herself scarce. She had betrayed her mother. She had betrayed herself. The fact that she’d canceled the prescription didn’t erase the temporary weakness she’d shown.
She turned to a blank page in her spiral notebook and started journaling.
I’m the black sheep of the family, the problem child, the one everyone dreads and avoids. I’m the one whose future is questionable, the one more likely to wind up in prison than living the good life.
My punishment for my damaged neurons is not over. Broken bones, stalkers, and prison are still on my To-Do list. So much to look forward to. And here I thought my history test was my most pressing issue.
My mother will never trust me as long as she lives. And I guess it’s my own fault.
As she hunkered in Kent’s small guest room, her school books spread out on the bed, she had to admit that it wasn’t just the pain of a broken foot that had weakened her. It was the stress of being falsely accused and the strain of two days in jail. The fear of what might happen next.
So what do I do about this, other than wallowing in self-hatred while I wait for the other shoe to drop?
Her mother had no idea what she was going through. No one did. But that couldn’t matter. She had to have integrity regardless of what people thought of her. God was the only one who could help her. Self-pity surely couldn’t. She had to figure out how to press on with her goals, and chief among them was to live a righteous life no matter her circumstances.
Abandoning her journal, she opened her Bible, starving for sustenance. She flipped around to the book of Numbers, and turned to the passage where Moses sent twelve spies into the land of Canaan, to bring back a report of the land God had promised. The men came back with a bad report. Ten of them said that the land was flowing with milk and honey, as God had said, but that the people were too big and strong and the cities too well fortified to conquer. “We became like grasshoppers in our own sight, and so we were in their sight.”
She could relate. Against her own invisible foe, she was like a grasshopper. One or more killers were jerking her around, manipulating her like a puppeteer, calling the shots on her life. She was as helpless as a grasshopper.
But the negativity of those ten spies in the face of God’s promises changed the path of their future. Only Caleb and Joshua trusted God. Despite the practicalities, the fears of the ten other spies, the dangers in taking the land, Caleb and Joshua believed that God would do what he said he would do.
She paused and re-read Numbers 14:9, where the two of them tried to stop the fear and discouragement spreading like cancer through the people. Aloud, she read, “Only do not rebel against the Lord. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them.”
Maybe that was the word God wanted Emily to hear today. That she need not fear the men who schemed against her. That she was not a grasshopper. That she had the King of the Universe fighting on her side. Her enemies would be swallowed up. Their protection would be gone. She had nothing to fear.
She prayed that passage of Scripture would apply to her life. The Israelites had rejected God’s message and wound up wandering the desert for forty years. She was tired of desert life. She wanted to be like Joshua and Caleb. She wanted to trust God.
Her foot ached, reminding her why she should doubt. She thought of the message the killer had written on the wall of her violated home — Criss-Cross. It was just the kind of thing to send her over the edge, and it almost had. Was that what Bo and Carter wanted? To make her a junkie again?
She heard a knock on the door. “Who is it?”
“Me,” Lance said. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
The door opened. Lance looked tired. He must not be sleeping well on the couch. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“But . . . why are you and Mom not talking?”
She looked away. “I just needed to be by myself. I’m studying.”
Lance looked down at the Bible in front of her. “Studying what?”
“People with integrity.” With the word, she burst into tears.
Lance stood there quietly. Finally, he came in and sat on her bed. “Why does that make you cry?”
She shook her head and wiped her face. “Because I want integrity. But it’s like I have my old self still strapped to my back, and I just can’t shake her off.”
“What happened? What did you do?”
She sighed and told him the story. His face fell when she got to the part about taking the prescription to the pharmacy. “Oh, no. Emily.”
“I didn’t go through with it. I changed my mind before I picked it up, and I canceled it. But Mom found out, and she’s pretty upset.”
“No wonder.”
“Right. No wonder.” She wiped her eyes, drew in a deep, cleansing breath. “I’m working on being the kind of person that God can bless. But it’s hard because of the choices I made back then. I let myself get caught in this. I put myself there.”
“You had a lot of problems, with Dad dying and all.”
“So did you. But you made better choices.” She locked her gaze into her brother’s, wanting him to understand. “I liked the way the drugs made me feel. And I made decisions . . . one after another . . . decisions that made me lose control. It didn’t happen to me. I chose it, and then one day I couldn’t choose anymore.”
“But you did choose. You quit. And even though you almost lost it today, you didn’t.”
“The thing is, that guy who’s been smoking dope in front of you . . . he’ll pressure you. You make one decision to use any kind of drug, and the next thing you know, your choices are gone. You think you’re immune, that you won’t do anything harder. But when you’re high, you don’t have strong values. You don’t have hard rules. You just have your appetite, and you fall for any seduction that comes along.”
“Tyson doesn’t influence me.”
“Not now. But you keep going places with him and he will.”
“So now you’re lecturing me? I didn’t do anything.”
“I know. Just be careful.” She knew that jumping on him wasn’t necessary. He had his head on straighter than she did.
Suddenly she was tired. So tired. The weight of the last few days was dragging her down. “I didn’t kill those women, you know.”
He met her eyes. “I never for one second thought you did.”
“Anybody knowing my history would question it.”
“You’re not who you were. End of story.” He got up. “I’m hungry. Wonder if there’s anything to eat.”
Grateful for the period at the end of his sentence, Emily watched him leave, then pressed her face into her hands. No matter what, she had to trust God. She went back to her Bible, searching for the strength and the courage to get through another hour.