12

I sat in a deck chair on the little lawn outside the ward and thought about getting into the female nurses’ quarters and putting on clothes there.

I thought that I would like to wear a nurse’s uniform. I imagined myself being a nurse, proceeding neatly down corridors and remaining neat and calm in the midst of mental and emotional confusion. I would like to clip a fountain pen at the front of my starched, white pinafore.

I imagined that if I could get into the nurses’ quarters and dress myself up, I would immediately turn into a woman. The instant I finished dressing my body would change. I would be able to walk out and not get into trouble. If I were stopped, I would be able to say that I had put on the clothes because I had suddenly turned into a woman, and that, unless someone provided me with other women’s clothes, I would stay dressed as I was. I could not be expected to go back and put on my own clothes, they were men’s clothes. What did they think I was, a transvestite? A peanut?

I started to laugh. I laughed and laughed.