15

It was late one evening that I first thought that Jim’s behaviour was becoming odd. He was standing at the bottom of the ward looking out of the french windows at the lights of Hull in the distance. I realised that he had been standing there every evening for some time.

He stood with his hands in his jacket pockets as he had stood by his bed on the evening of the incident. He was still standing there when the rest of us were getting into bed.

The next evening he was standing there again.

He moved about the ward with his shoulders hunched and his head forward. His tread seemed to have become heavier. At meal times he did not talk about Australia anymore. At breakfast one morning, when it was raining hard outside, someone asked him whether he wished he were back in Australia.

‘I bloody do! I wish I was out of your way, and all you balmy buggers in here! And don’t think I went out for ten pounds. I paid the full fare both ways.’ His eyes caught mine. ‘I can see you looking. You know what I think about you!’

When I was clearing away after the morning coffee he came and stood at the kitchen door. ‘You think you’re very clever, don’t you?’ he sneered.

I continued putting the cups away in the cupboard and tried not to look at him.

‘You think you’re very clever, creeping about. I’ve seen you creeping about, you bloody little pansy. I’ve seen you trying to get out of the way. . . .’

He went on for some time. When I had finished putting the cups away I pretended to be wiping down the draining board.

He stopped quite suddenly and went away.

I knew that I had caused his illness. The fact that I had not done it by any action made no difference. I had caused it. I thought that it might be right for me to leave the hospital. It was possible that my being in the ward was disturbing Jim day by day. I could not tell anybody about it, but I could ask to be discharged.