22

My rent was a week in advance. I would depart at the next sunrise.

I dressed up.

Surely the person in the mirror was a girl. Surely I could not be mistaken. She was tall. The brow was smooth. The superciliary ridges were just apparent. The nose was small. The hollow between the brow and the bridge of the nose was very shallow. The jowl was not heavy and the chin was small. The lips were full and the mouth was large, but it was a well­-shaped mouth. The ears were small and flat to the head. In the full-face position it was only possible to see the lobes. The neck was right. The thyroid showed but it did not bulge. There was no Adam’s apple. The shoulders were not wide. In the black raincoat the shoulders and the bust looked very compact and feminine. I held up my hands. They were long and decisive, capable hands, but not at all bulky. There were no hairs on the backs of them. But I should have bought a pair of gloves. I put my hands on my hips. The waist was small. The hips were boyish, but the pelvis seemed to be wide enough. The distance across the hips was obviously more than the distance from armpit to armpit. I turned round and twisted myself to see the backs of my legs in the mirror. The form of the calves was good. My legs would be admired.

There was no reason why the girl I could see in the mirror should be suspected of being male.

But I was still afraid.

And yet the fear would make the experience more intense. When I set out the fear and joy would thrill in me. It would be the most extreme moment of my life. I would walk over an abyss into heaven.

My day would come up. I would leave Mrs Ford’s boarding­house and walk into a new world. I would go through the looking-­glass.

I began to pack the red suitcase.

I wished that I did not have to take Roy’s clothes with me, but, if I left them behind, Mrs Ford would certainly go to the police.

The case that I had come to the house with would have to be left behind. Mrs Ford could give it to her Jack. She could put the plastic bowl to any use for which it was suitable.

When the case was packed I went to the mirror with a comb and a pair of scissors to alter my hair. It proved more difficult than I had expected. In the end I managed to make the hair at the front into a low fringe, but there remained a piece on top that stood up. Nothing I could think of would make it lie down, and I experienced a peculiarly feminine vexation with myself that developed into a tantrum in which I told myself that, if I could not do my hair properly, I could not be allowed to go.

But I had to go. The front of my hair was cut into a fringe. I clipped the piece of hair off—and serve it right. What was left of it still stood up. It would have to be ignored.

It was nine o’clock when I got into bed. I wanted to go to sleep as soon as possible.

I tried to go to sleep. I told myself that, if I did not go to sleep, I would not wake up early enough, and I would have a fringe to explain. I should have bought an alarm clock.

But I could not sleep. I was too excited.

I counted up to a thousand. I squared numbers. I cubed numbers. I said, ‘Amaveram, amaveras, amaverat, amaveramus, amaveratis, amaverant, amavi, amavisti, amavit, amavimus, amavistis, amaverunt, amabam, amabas, amabat, amabamus, amabatis, amabant, amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amant, amabo, amabis, amabit . . . amabit . . . amabit . . . amabit . . . amabit . . . amabit . . . amabit . . . amabit . . . amabimus, amabitis, amabunt, amavero, amaveris, amaverit, amaverimus, amaveritis, amaverint.’ I recited the names of the kings of England since William the Conqueror. Then I went back to counting.

When I switched on the bedside lamp and looked at my watch I found that it was half-past ten.

As is the night before some festival

To an impatient child that hath new robes

And may not wear them.

I switched off the lamp.

The night would end. I would awake at half-past five and the day would begin. It would come.

I wondered how nasty the police would be with me if I was discovered. They might make fun of me. And then they might become deadly serious and determined to have a list of everything I had on. There might be a frumpish police­woman to assist them with nomenclature.

Sleep brought dreams in which I was running through the streets in scraps of underwear. I could not find anywhere to hide myself.