10

I attempted to be more casual after June’s remonstrance, but it was not easy, for, besides my need to maintain disguise, I always wanted to be as pretty as I could be. My appearance and my freshness were my first concerns. A real woman might sometimes take her femininity for granted. I could never do that. I had to work at being a woman all the time.

Yet there was one way in which I was less self-aware than I had been when I had worn trousers. Now I was not aware of a mind that might take leave of the senses.

I began to think that my chest was developing. It was difficult to tell.

It was quite simple. I wanted to be a woman. The compli­cations were caused by resistance to my desire, not by the desire itself.

Yes, my chest was beginning to develop.

The November mists that rolled on the Humber covered the city. I sat by the gas fire reading a novel. From time to time the fire made a slight clinking sound. I imagined, in the still­ness, that I could hear the hootings of ships on the distant river.

I had spent a lot of money on clothes, but, apart from that, I was spending very little week by week. I estimated that I could hold out at least until the summer of the following year. And, before then, something might happen to save me. My lack of a woman’s National Insurance card was the problem. I thought that I would be willing to do any sort of work as a woman—as long as it was not anything that would make my hands rough. I might be able to get employment in a shop if I had a National Insurance card. I could serve and give change and be polite. But it would be better to be a typist. I thought of getting a typewriter and trying to teach myself to type. Of course it would be best to be a model—a clothes horse—but that was only something to be dreamt about. And it would be impossible for me to be a model unless I had treatment and an operation.

Early December was very cold. In the mornings the windows were covered with plumes and bursts of hoar frost.

Marguerite spoke about the Christmas holiday. She was looking forward to having a rest from her Secondary Modern girls.

Philip complained of difficulty in starting the car in the mornings­.