23

Frank told me how he had gone to a training college after he had finished his National Service. He said that it had been a mistake because he had not been suited to being a teacher. He said that he did not know what he could be suited to. Sometimes he said that he would go down to London. I said that I hoped he wouldn’t.

It was good to be with him. He was always talking and making jokes. As I got to know him I found him different from what he had seemed in the pub at Bridlington. That day in Bridlington he had seemed rather bitter and sarcastic, but as I got to know him he became more open and cheerful. I could not understand why June had said that he was a thoroughly bad man. He was to me the most worthy person I had ever known.

He often said to me that he had never talked to a girl who was more intelligent. He talked to me about many things. He was very fond of Nietzsche, and when he had had a drink he would quote from Thus Spake Zarathustra. At other times he would quote Rilke. One of his favourite pieces of Rilke was:

‘He who succeeds in reconciling the many contra­dictions of his life, holding them all together in a symbol, pushes the noisy crowd from the palace and will be festive in a different sense, receiving you as his guest on mild evenings.’

I found that it was easy to let him do most of the talking because he so often said things that I thought were true. It was pleasant to be the woman listening while he was the man talking; for, whatever he was saying, he was saying it to me. There were the two of us.

I loved him. But I could not allow him to touch me. But I did love him.