Christmas Treasures

ON SUNDAY MORNING, CAROLYN WAS THE FIRST TO WAKE AND GET out of bed. Ben saw her standing by the window, looking out at the backyard.

Just like the morning you had the heart attack, he could tell she wanted to say. He was thinking the same thing. They were so often of the same mind now, it was uncanny.

“Yes, I do.” He sat up and pushed the covers aside in one swift, decisive move. Sudden movements still caused an ache here and there, but he was healing and the physical therapy had led him into a whole new world . . . or maybe a world that he had left behind in his thirties or forties. He was walking and even jogging a little on a treadmill, working out with weights, too. Growing muscles again, like a young man. The body was amazingly regenerative. What a divine invention.

“Oh, right. But who’s counting?” He glanced at her, and they both smiled. “It seems like it was a long time ago, but in a way, it could have been yesterday. Do you know what I mean?”

“I do. It’s changed our whole lives.” She paused. “It’s going to be . . . different for you at church today. I’m sure you’ve already thought about that, Ben. It’s just that . . . don’t you think it might be hard?”

“It will be, in some ways. In other ways, it will be a relief, I think, to just relax and enjoy the service.” He reached out and patted her shoulder. “I know you’re concerned about me, honey, but you can’t anticipate all my worries and fix everything. You can’t be a little airbag between me and the world, Carolyn, puffing up at the first sign of possible impact. I am recovering, nearly completely healed. I’m not fragile or in any danger at all,” he promised her.

“Yes, I know.” She nodded. They had talked about this before. “I do worry about you, though. I just can’t help it.”

She had always been a caring partner. But since he’d fallen ill, she had been extra vigilant and extra anxious, anticipating his every interaction and possible reaction. It wasn’t good for her, he knew. Or for him. Or for their relationship.

“I know you do. And I know I’m very blessed to be married to someone who loves me so much. Very blessed,” he repeated. He put his arms around her and held her tight. “See how strong I am now? This PT is turning me into a regular muscleman,” he teased. “Almost fifteen pounds thinner, too,” he added, reminding her of the weight he had lost over the last three weeks. “I’m better than ever. So cast your cares, my dear.”

“Oh, Ben . . . I will try. What would I ever do without you?” she asked him. Then she squeezed him back and kissed him. “Let’s get ready. It’s getting late.”

BEN WASN’T SURE IF RACHEL AND HER HUSBAND WERE JUST BEING CONSIDERATE or if Carolyn had engineered things, but when he went downstairs for coffee and a quick breakfast, Carolyn reported that Rachel would be coming by soon to pick them up and drive them to church.

“This way, we won’t have to bother cleaning off the car and shoveling the driveway. Jack said he’ll do that later.”

“Oh, that’s good, very kind of them.” Ben had always done it automatically, without thinking. He had totally forgotten he wasn’t really up to that task today.

A short time later, he followed his wife into the church. We’re late, he realized. The doors to the sanctuary were closed, and he heard the choir singing the opening hymn.

He had always frowned on folks who walked in during the announcements or even later, interrupting everything as they tried to find a seat and settle down, inevitably dropping their programs so that all the inserts flew out and fluttered around the pew. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged, Ben. Now you’re one of them, he realized with chagrin.

Tucker was standing by the sanctuary doors with a handful of programs. “Reverend Ben!” His voice was hushed but elated. “So good to see you. You look great.”

“Let me find some seats.” Tucker opened the heavy wooden doors for them, then followed them into the sanctuary.

“Somewhere in the back, please?” Carolyn whispered. She had confessed a fear that Ben might not be able to sit in church for the entire service and wanted to be able to slip out quietly if necessary.

Ben preferred the back rows, too. He didn’t want to make a big entrance and draw too much attention to himself. This was Reverend Isabel’s service. He was just a private citizen now, just a regular member of the congregation.

Tucker found Carolyn and Ben two seats on an aisle, and seats in the next row for Rachel and her family. Heads turned and many smiled and even quietly waved at him. “Look, Reverend Ben is here,” he heard them murmur.

Ben smiled back but tried his best to keep his gaze forward, fixed on Reverend Isabel who was just delivering the weekly announcements.

“And many thanks to everyone who took part in this year’s Christmas Fair. I want to thank the committee for putting together a wonderful event and all the volunteers who worked so hard this weekend. And everyone who donated supplies and services. We raised over two thousand dollars, which will be used to buy Christmas gifts and food for families in need. It’s wonderful to see this church reaching out and sharing the true meaning of Christmas.”

Well said, Ben thought. He was very proud of the congregation for the work they put into that project. It helped many families every year. He had, in fact, started it, his first or second year at the church. Not that he wanted any credit, he reminded himself. It was gratifying to see the tradition carried on. It would be, too, after he was gone, he realized.

“And one last announcement.” Reverend Isabel looked up from her notes, a wide smile on her lovely face. “I know we’re all happy to see Reverend Ben and his family joining us for worship this morning. Welcome back, Reverend. I hope you enjoy the service,” she said, smiling straight at him.

The congregation broke out in applause, and Ben waved from his seat, feeling a little like a celebrity.

Many in the congregation laughed at his frankness. It was true. All morning he had sent up silent prayers of thanks that he was simply alive and well enough to return to his beloved church. And he did love it, he realized, gazing around as the service continued. He loved it, but like any long-term relationship, after so many years together, he had taken it for granted.

I didn’t appreciate all I had as a minister here, he realized. Not for the last year or so. I let the routine and the church traditions and the same problems that we never seem to solve—fund-raising, finding new members, keeping this old building in some sort of repair—I let all that bog me down, drain me of energy, optimism, and inspiration. My heart condition didn’t help, either.

For the first time since his decision to retire, he felt a deep pang of loss and regret. He closed his eyes and took a breath.

But he wasn’t fine. He felt confused. He stilled his mind and sent up a silent prayer. Dear God, please help me. I thought I had this all figured out . . . Am I doing the right thing?

AFTER THE SERVICE, RACHEL AND HER FAMILY CAME TO THE PARSONAGE for lunch. After the meal, they helped Ben and Carolyn put up their Christmas tree.

They usually put their tree up much earlier, but Ben’s illness had thrown them off schedule this year. Carolyn had barely done any shopping yet, and he kept reminding her that everyone would understand if her gifts weren’t perfect this year.

“Yes, I know. I’m thinking of just sticking a big bow on your head and plopping you under the tree. You could really let me off the hook if you would just cooperate,” she teased him.

The subject was so serious, joking about it helped them. His health—his life—was the gift this year. He didn’t want or need anything more. Neither did Carolyn, he knew. Still, he had already arranged with Rachel to surprise his wife with a bottle of her favorite perfume and a day of relaxation at a local spa. She certainly deserved some pampering after waiting on him hand and foot all these weeks.

The full house and all the activity were a great distraction. Ben enjoyed watching his grandchildren decorate. He sat back on the couch, more like the cheering section this year and the chief hook-fastener. But that was all right, even more fun in a way.

Carolyn made some hot cocoa and popcorn—no salt or butter on his—which was pretty dry and boring, he thought. But he resisted complaining. I’m alive and chewing, he reminded himself, and very thankful.

While Ben amused his grandchildren, Jack and Rachel helped Carolyn put away all the boxes and clean up. By the time they left, it was late afternoon. The winter sun was just about to set. The children had homework, and the adults had to get ready for the last full workweek before the holidays.

Ben walked them all to the foyer and cheerfully waved good-bye from the door. Watching their car pull away, he felt very tired. It had been a full day. He wasn’t used to all this activity.

When Carolyn came back into the living room, he was already stretched out on the couch with his feet up. He had the newspaper open, spread across his chest, but he wasn’t actually reading it.

“Are you tired, Ben? Maybe you should go up and have a real nap, on the bed.” She sat in the armchair near him and took a pile of Christmas cards off the side table. She was intent on getting a few out, though not her usual long list.

“I’m okay right here. I like to look at the tree. It smells so good,” he said. “It finally feels like Christmas.”

“It does,” she agreed. “Being in church this morning and singing some carols got me more in the mood, too.”

“Me, too. It made me feel a lot of things,” he admitted. “It was hard, in a way, to sit there. Maybe just because it was the first time after I decided to retire. But it was difficult to face the fact that I won’t be running the service or the church anymore. It all happened so suddenly,” he added, lifting his head to look at her.

“It did happen suddenly,” she agreed. “You pretty much had the rug pulled out from under you.”

“Exactly.” Ben sighed and sat up. “It’s like anything else, Carolyn. We don’t appreciate what we have when we have it. Just human nature, I guess. But if I had realized four weeks ago that it was going to be my last month, or my last week, or my last Sunday serving as a minister, I would have done a lot of things differently.”

“I’m sure once you’re fully recovered Isabel, or whoever the new minister turns out to be, will step aside one Sunday and let you give a final sermon.”

“I know that,” Ben replied. “Maybe I mean more than the sermons. More of the big picture. You know, the more I heal, the better I start to feel, the more I realize how this heart problem must have been going on for a long time, Carolyn. It was draining me, making me feel tired, physically and emotionally. And spiritually, too,” he added. “You must have noticed it.”

“I did,” she admitted. “I thought the church was becoming too much for you, a sign that it was time to retire. I didn’t suspect you were sick.”

“Neither did I. I thought I was just getting too old to be a good preacher. It’s some comfort to know there was a physical reason and I wasn’t just getting stale, like an old cracker left at the bottom of the box.”

“Oh, Ben, don’t be so hard on yourself. You were never like a stale old cracker. Not one bit. You were always very . . . very crisp,” she told him with a little laugh.

“I know . . . but inside, I felt like the tank was on empty, or getting perilously close. Now that I’m getting my energy back, I feel capable of all kinds of things.”

“I don’t mean that. Not exactly.” He heard a distinct note of alarm in her voice and automatically rushed to assure her. She would not like to hear that he didn’t want to retire after all. Not that she would argue with him or pressure him to change his mind. Carolyn was not like that. But he knew her well enough by now to know when she was unhappy and disapproved of his decisions. He didn’t want to make her unhappy. That was a big consideration.

Today in church, his doubts about retiring had been distressing. But maybe it was just going back the first time and facing the fact that a long, fulfilling phase of his life had come to an end. Right now, he couldn’t see around the bend in the road to the milk-and-honeyed land of retirement.

But it would come, he told himself. Just keep putting one foot ahead of the other—even on that monotonous treadmill—and you’ll get there. You shouldn’t even consider reversing this decision, he told himself. You’re just having some sort of buyer’s remorse. It probably happens to most people who genuinely enjoy their work.

As an ordained minister, his calling would never really end. He would just practice service in a different way.

Ben comforted himself with that thought. There was so much to look forward to—more time with Carolyn and the kids, waking up in the morning with no pressures, no obligations, no meetings to attend. Time to read, write, just sit and think if that’s all he wanted to do. Time to travel to places in this country, or other countries, where he could put a lifetime of experience to good use and help those in need.

THE SHOPPING EXPEDITION DID NOT TAKE NEARLY AS LONG AS REGINA had expected, mostly because they found practically everything in a big discount store that sold everything from snowblowers to lingerie. Regina found all the necessities for both Madeline and Brian there—jackets, boots, and pajamas, a few sweaters and jeans for Madeline, and all of the new clothes Brian needed, plus new sneakers.

While Regina shopped for the practical items, Richard cruised the toy department. He found a snowboard, helmet, and a basketball hoop and ball for Brian. He placed them in the cart, and they headed for the register.

“He won’t be able to shoot any hoops until the snow melts,” Richard said, “but he should have fun with the snowboard. There’s something else I really want to get him, but we won’t find it here.”

“A new transformer for that old train set—and a few more cars and bits of scenery, if I can find them. It was running fine for a few days, but something burned out. I can’t fix it anymore.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I wondered why he wasn’t using it lately. He seemed fascinated with it at first.”

“He loves it. I never realized he would be so intrigued. He hasn’t mentioned that video game thing at all lately.”

“No, he hasn’t,” Regina agreed. “Where would we find old trains like that, though? Doesn’t the part have to match?”

“It does. But I checked the phone book, and there’s a place in Hamilton that might have one. It’s not far from here. Sam and I have done some work in that town.”

Driving over to Hamilton from the discount store, Regina realized that she and Richard had not spent time alone like this in months. If they had, they would have been snapping and bickering with each other, or in some tense, silently reproachful standoff. But today she actually felt relaxed, and maybe even . . . happy. She glanced over at Richard and suddenly realized that the tense, watchful feeling that made their relationship so strained had practically disappeared today.

They weren’t arguing about what to buy, or how much to spend, and easily came to agreement on just about all of their purchases. It felt good to do something together for their kids. Did that mean Richard felt happier with her? Happier in their marriage? She wasn’t sure she could go that far. She was just thankful for an easy day, wondering how long it would last.

Hamilton was an old, distinguished village, famous for horse breeding and equestrian shows. It looked a bit wealthier than Cape Light, Regina thought as they parked in the small village center. She liked Cape Light better, she quickly decided. There were more shops and the harbor, and it had a bustling, comfortable feeling. This town seemed a little too sedate for her taste.

She had lived in Cape Light less than a month, but she already knew that if something were to happen between her and Richard, she would stay in the village. Aside from owning the house, she had made friends there and had a decent job. It seemed like a good place to raise children, too. They had landed there by accident, but it had been a fortunate accident, the first bit of good luck her family had known in years.

“Here’s the place.” Richard led her a short distance down a tree-lined street to a narrow shop that looked like an antique store. When she looked inside she could see it was filled mainly with toys and books. The place was dark, and a card in the window read BACK IN TWO SHAKES.

Her husband was still quite good-looking, she realized. Somehow, he’d even gotten better-looking as they’d grown older. If they parted, Richard would have no trouble finding someone new. No question about that.

“I think they mean two shakes of a lamb’s tail. That old expression?” she reminded him. “It shouldn’t be too long.”

“Depends on the lamb, I guess,” Richard said. He stuck his hands in his front pockets and looked up and down the street. “I’m hungry. Want to grab a bite and come back? Maybe they’ll be open by then.”

They walked down the street and soon found a café. Regina read the menu in the window while Richard peeked through the window. “This looks okay to me,” she said, mainly meaning that it didn’t look expensive.

The menu actually was a lot like the Clam Box, including their own version of a clam roll. While Richard gave the waitress their orders, Regina called home and checked on the kids.

“They’re fine,” she reported. “Madeline’s doing homework, and Brian’s watching a video. I told them we won’t be much longer. I’m just not sure how we’re going to keep them from seeing all the presents. Where should we hide them?”

“Good point. I didn’t even think of that. There’s no place around the house that’s safe. They’ll hunt every day when they get home from school.”

“Especially if we tell them not to,” he agreed with a grin. “I’ve got it. I’ll take all the packages over to Sam’s shop and leave them there until Christmas. He won’t mind.”

“Can you show me how to take a picture with the cell phone?” she asked. “I want a shot of their faces when we come home empty-handed.”

They were still laughing when the waitress brought their orders. Regina could hardly believe it. They hadn’t relaxed like this together for a long time. Or laughed. Or gone out for a bite to eat alone. It was almost like a little date, she thought, the way it used to be. They would always manage to carve out some time to spend together, even doing something ordinary, like grocery shopping or going out to breakfast. The day had given her hope . . . though she tried not to hope for too much.

When they were finished with lunch, they found the little antique shop open again. Richard went straight to the back, where Regina saw a large collection of train sets. The shopkeeper was an old man with a large round stomach and a handlebar mustache. He wore a black vest and glasses balanced on the end of his nose, fitting in perfectly with the decor.

While the two men hunted around for the transformer and other items Richard wanted, Regina browsed, though she wasn’t interested in buying anything.

Old books, for instance. There were shelves of them in the store and some in a glass barrister case. A title behind the glass, embossed in gold type, caught her eye: Little House on the Prairie, one of her favorite novels when she was a little girl. She had read it aloud to Madeline years ago. She wanted to take a peek at it again, and she began to lift the glass door.

“I’m sorry if I startled you, but some of those are first editions. Quite valuable. Feel free to handle any of the copies on the open shelves, though. I can give you a good price if you find something you like.”

She glanced at Richard and he smiled in reply, raising his eyebrows at the shopkeeper before the man could see.

A short time later, Richard met her at the door, holding a large cardboard carton filled with pieces for the train set. “Eureka,” he said.

“Yeah, I do,” she said quietly. He looked so pleased, she nearly kissed him. But the moment passed and it just seemed too difficult to breach that gap. Even after such a good day together.

They drove back to Cape Light and parked in front of Sam’s shop. Richard had his own key, and they had soon stored all their packages and headed back to their house.

“Now we need something special for Madeline,” Richard said as they drove home. “What can we get her?”

“I’m not sure. Molly says there are some good shops up in Newburyport. She buys her girls a lot of clothes up there. And I can look in town on my lunch break. Maybe I can find her a piece of jewelry in the Bramble? Though something nice probably won’t be cheap,” she admitted, wondering if Richard would object.

“That’s a good idea,” he said after a few moments. “She’s getting old enough to have nice things. She deserves something special, too.”

Regina agreed. She stared out the window on her side of the truck. She was sure she could find something special for Maddy. Maybe a pretty ring with her birthstone?

She allowed herself to feel a little thrill of anticipation. For the first time in years, they were going to have a really good Christmas. Then her heart sank as she realized it might be their last Christmas together. Everything between them was still so . . . uncertain. Everything still put on hold until the holidays were over. Despite the way they’d managed to get along so well today, she had no idea of what was to come.