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abi, a silver rod that focuses the sorcerous power of the High Priest of the Matile.
aderash, estates and mansions that belong to the aristocracy of Khambawe.
Almovaad, a follower of the Seer Kyroun, and Believer in the god Almovaar.
Amiya, a human Vessel, or host, for the magical power channeled by the Jagasti, the pantheon of deities worshipped by the Matile.
ashuma, the power that fuels Matile sorcery, channeled from the deities through the Vessels of the Jagasti.
assegai, the stabbing-spear of the Thaba tribesmen.
blankskin, an Uloan term of derision for the Matile who dwell in the Abengoni Mainland.
chamma, a mantle-like garment worn by Matile men and women.
Degen Jassi, the collective term for the urban aristocracy of the Matile, and also for their formal gatherings.
Dejezmek, the title given to the supreme commander of the Matile military forces.
gede, a sorcerous construct used by Uloan spies to send messages to their island homeland.
gharri, a two-wheeled chariot used by the Matile for transportation and war.
harai, a shoulder-shawl worn by men and women of the outlying, agricultural provinces of the Matile Empire.
huangi, the master sorcerers of the Uloans.
igikoko, eaters of carrion and corpses.
injerra, flat disks of bread that are a staple food of the Matile.
Imba Jassi, the aristocracy of the Matile agrarian hinterland.
imbilta, a type of flute played during the Matiles’ First Calling ceremony.
irimu, a legendary supernatural race that can shift shapes between human and animal.
Ishimbi, a group of gigantic statues located at the waterfront of Khambawe.
izingogo, humanoid quadrupeds that hunt in packs and hate all other living beings.
Jagasti, the pantheon of gods and goddesses worshipped by the Matile. The Jagasti dwell in their own Realms: arcane dimensions that are repositories of magical power.
Jass, the Matile equivalent to “Lord” or “Lady,” a title held by members of the Matile aristocracy.
jhumbi, a clay-covered, walking Uloan corpse.
kabbar, farmers in the hinterlands of the Imba Jassi.
kef, a red fruit, the seeds of which are brewed into a strong drink of the same name.
khat, a narcotic leaf chewed – and sold – by the tsotsi bandits.
Leba, the title of the High Priest of the Matile, the One to Whom All Gods speak.
makishi, malevolent giants that dwell in the most remote, desolate areas of the Nangi Kihunu.
Mesfin, a title used when addressing the Emperor or Empress of the Matile, analogous to “Your Highness” or “Your Majesty.”
munkimun, long-tailed lemurs that dwell in the Uloa Islands.
Muvuli, shadow-assassins controlled by the Almovaads.
mwiti, the semi-animate vegetation of the Uloan Islands.
Negarit, an ancient drum used in Matile coronation ceremonies.
quagga, a zebra-like animal used by the Matile as a mount and for pulling wheeled vehicles.
senafil, decorated trousers worn by Matile men.
shamasha, previously a designation for Thabas enslaved by the Matile, now a general term applied to Matile servants.
talla, a grain beer popular among the Matile.
talla-beit, a tavern.
tirss, a spiked, mace-like weapon favored by the tsotsis.
tsotsis, gangs of young thieves and brigands who control the less-prosperous sections of Khambawe.
tukul, the round, conical-roofed dwellings of Matile farmers.
wat, an extremely spicy stew eaten by the Matile.
woira, a huge, thick-limbed tree found in the land of the Matile.
For me, the sheer power of this opening is in this last sentence of the ‘graph. You have an elegant, stately opening—but I am wondering if you don’t want to re-write the first line to be more direct and compelling
Good
Might think of another word to avoid close order repeat of the same phrase
Beautiful description
Charles—I know the goddess is a mystery, but this reader would like to see a bit more of her, please
??? waves—or is this a connection somehow with the dock?
This markup is going to be a tough one. Ashuma is italicized within a thought—my first thought is to leave it as italics even if it is extramarked within the thought
Marvel?
Scimitars? Shotel—no picture here, but: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shotel
Well done—
I’m about as pale as a white girl gets and I’m not salt white...Ivory?
The internumbering within chapters is confusing
How is the wake unpleasant?
This sounds almost Yiddish
Thunder’s a response to lightning
Charles—I’m not sure about this reference. When I first read, it seemed very contemporary for the story. History I’ve found says sandpaper came to being in China in the 13th century. In your world, either country could have created it before the store. It’s your call whether you want to use it or not.
http://www.abrasivesoasis.com/sandpaper.asp
Hmmmm....I’m wondering about buttons? What period of history are you considering here? Even up to the 17th century, a lot of shirts were just billowing affairs that came over the person’s head
Too common with our own world
Singular?
I like this MUCH
If they make this claim as a people, I believe this is appropriate
Love this line
Hey—how come we don’t know this god’s name?
Charles, the sentiment is there, but this really does throw me out of the story. It’s too modern—give me something from this world or I’m going to flash on old gangster films...
Okay, that’s seriously creepy. I like it!
Ugh—makes me kind of appreciate kudzu now
Less modern, but still maybe not fitting?
Yes!
I and I—having trouble wrapping my head around the construction
watch passive language in the middle of a fight.
HUZZAH! Fist is pumping in the air!
Transitions here need some smoothing—in a fight scene, I’d just go for direct instead of connecting lanaguege like Then, next, etc—you don’t need it. The power’s there
Whoa
Her?
I’m with Elmore Leonard on adverb lead-ins. You really don’t need them.
Gentlemen—this construct of internumbering chapters gives me concerns. It’s confusing and contrary in some ways to the usual outlining construct. If you’re going to have chapter sections, may I propose that you identify them with capital letters instead? This would work with outlining conventions better
I’d say invincible here
Had is not strictly passive but it acts as such and slows the narrative
How about a more warrior-like bird? Eagles? Falcons? Give me a raptor of some kind—http://www.africanraptor.co.za/wordpress/
You refer to them below as The Matile—possessive should be this
Charles—you need a playlist for this novel. I’m reading it with Ladysmith Black Mambazo in the background. It’s amazing.
That is amazing – well done!
I love this description – right here, bleak, beautiful
Birds of prey, etc as well—You have corbies, crows in Africa. They’re great for imagery and frightening since they take before death
Charles—this may be a very respectable African name, but it’s slang for motherfucker—just saying
Excellent—tears here
I’m Scottish, our term for this is sassenach
This section’s a bit slow. Tiyana is one of my favorites of the characters in the story and I know you are going to pay this off, but you may want to shorten it somewhat
Behind his beard? Sheltered by his beard?
Brilliant hook
Charles, I have a problem with a “red-shirt” character introduced about ¾ of the way through the book
Oh creepy—this is going to get very strange very quickly I suspect
I like these people
So typical
YES
I am wondering with all the dead, etc, why have there not been massive plagues as well? Generally, bodies are burned to prevent cholera, etc
Good the tension is building up more here
That’s my girl!
Just yesterday a friend said every politician has caused more deaths than a soldier.
Nooooo....It ends here?
Good—I was going to suggest this. I actually have similar notes that I used to keep up with the story.
The other thing that would be helpful is a map to go along with the place names.