UNIT-20

Beth held the flame under the foil and waited for the curls of sweet smoke; she eagerly bent over it to inhale deeply until there was no more. “Oh, yeah, baby; that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout,” she said as she exhaled the smoke. “Hey, baby, you want some more? It’s real nice, ain’t it?” shaking her head up and down, up and down.

Rick reached out his hand toward her foil and said, “Yeah, I want another, come ’er.”

“Wait … wait … wait, you gotta pay me more, first,” she said, pulling the foil in close to her chest.

“I already paid you. Come on; give me another fucking toke, please.”

“Yeah, right, you paid for the first one. If you’re not paying for another, bounce, will ya? So I can enjoy my buzz.”

Rick stood up and kicked the dirt and cardboard and grabbed his coat and said, “Fuck you, Beth,” and walked back out to the street.

Beth carefully stood up and moved as far to her left as she could, squatted and peed, and then pulled the back of her skirt forward and wiped herself before moving back to her spot. She balanced herself on the concrete wall behind her to slowly sit back down on her big knapsack. She reached for her dope and sprinkled a bit on the foil; she steadied the flame again beneath it, and waited for the thin curls of smoke to save her. She hadn’t left her spot for days, and was scared to even go back out to the street. She had seen the bastard who had molested her when she was thirteen, and was positive he had recognized her. So she stayed in her little spot at the back of the abandoned restaurant near the city shelter, wedged in behind an old milk truck with a blue tarp stretched over the top to provide shelter and invisibility.

The spot was a shared one but tonight it belonged to her. She reached for the blankets that the outreach workers had left for her and pulled them tight around her. She laid her head back until she could see the stars between the tear in the tarp, and tried to count them and make a wish on each and every one until her eyes fell heavy and closed.

“Hey, Beth. How you doing in there? Do you wanna come inside tonight? Maybe have a hot meal and get some sleep? They have a bed for you.”

Beth held up her hand to shield her eyes from the flashlight. “Who’s that? That you, Lori?”

“Yeah, it’s me and Darlene. Do you want a sandwich and a carton of milk?”

“Yes, please. But no way am I goin’ in ’cause they’ll make me hand over my dope, and I don’t trust them in there. Hey, you got any more toilet paper for me, Lori?” she said, taking the sandwich and milk. Beth squeezed open the milk and drank it down quickly.

“I only have the little packets of tissue, but I can give you a bunch, okay?”

“Yeah, that’s okay. Thanks, babe. Hey, can I get some more milk, too, please? I really love milk.”

“Sure thing. Give me a minute and I’ll go back and get a few more from the van. But you think about coming inside for a while, will you please, Beth?”

Beth squinted against the bright light. “Yeah, yeah. Okay, there: I thought about it. No way, I got my spot here and I ain’t givin’ it up to nobody. Sorry, but thanks anyway, Lori. And thanks for checkin’ in on me; I really appreciate it a lot, you know.”

“Aw, you’re welcome.”

Lori returned with bottles of water, a few more sandwiches, fruit bars, three cartons of milk, and at least as many packets of tissues.

“Wow, thanks. I just ran out; I had to use my skirt and it stinks now. Hey, can you keep six for me? I gotta take this off and put something fresh on.”

“Yeah, go ahead. We’ll cover you.”

From across the lot several other people approached. “Hey, outreach, you got any food for us?” called Jo-Jo and Kitty-Kat as they stumbled toward them happily, half running and shoving each other trying to get there first.

“Yeah, we do. Just give us a sec, okay? You wanna wait for us at the van, ladies?”

“Oh, okay. Hey, who’s back there, Lori? Is that Ricky?”

Before Lori could answer, Beth yelled out from her squat and said, “Fuck Rick. He’s gone; flew the coop. This is my house tonight; you can hang, though, if ya gotta toke for me.”

“Hey, Beth. Whoa hoo, how is you, girl? Long time no see, eh? How you feeling?”

“I’d be better if you had a toke, Jo-Jo,” said Beth, followed by her lovely laugher.

Lori waited until Beth said she was done, and then crouched down to look more closely in on her. “Hey, Beth, looks like there’s finally some good news: there might be a place for you to live. Think you can make it to an appointment tomorrow? They just have to do some paperwork and finish getting you to fill in some information, but we think it’s a go.”

“Wow, are you fuckin’ serious? I bin tryin’ for that for a year.”

“I know you have, honey. Well, seems like the wait is over, but you have to be at the office in the morning, okay? Anytime before noon. Just show up with your ID; they’re expecting you, sweetie.”

“Ah, man, I lost my ID. I think it might be at the clinic, though; think you could call and see if they have it?”

“You just show up there and I’ll see what I can do. We’ll figure something out, so you’ll be there right?”

“Yeah, I will — promise. And thanks, Lori; thanks for everything. But I have company now, okay? Don’t mean to be rude, but you have to shove off, okay?”

“Okay. You be safe. Take good care and we’ll see you tomorrow.”

A bottle broke and shattered on the ground, and someone started yelling at someone else and then several other people started yelling. Lori and Darlene said their goodbyes and made their way back to the van where too many people were waiting, in hopes of food and meager supplies.

Jo-Jo and Kitty-Kat went into the little makeshift squat and pulled a piece of cardboard and sat down beside Beth.

“Hey, Jo-Jo, I heard they finally threw you outta jail. How the fuck are ya?”

“Man, it feel good to be back where there’s some fuckin’ room. We was bunked in like fucking sardines.”

Kitty-Kat pulled out a rock and split it three ways, handing the stem to Beth first. “Cheers,” she said, picking up her lighter and placing the flame at the end of the glass for a moment. She inhaled and then blew the smoke out.

“Wow, good shit.” They each took their turns and Beth asked who had been fighting.

“Ah, it’s just Jimmy and Beau again. Nothing new; same ol’ shit.”

“Ah, man, those two are always fighting and making up. It’s their thing.”

Beau had found a nice little gig doing graffiti removal with a small company hired to cover it up, always a little slower than it was replaced. What they didn’t know was that Beau would go in the early hours of the morning and climb up under the parking structures downtown and spray his art work for all to see when the sun came up; he’d then wait for his boss to give him a few bucks to go and remove it. It was a good gig until he got caught.

Beth tried to get comfortable. She felt a sharp pain in her side that wouldn’t go away no matter how she shifted. “Oh, no, it’s starting again.”

“You want us to go get someone for you at the shelter?” asked Kat.

“No, man, it’ll pass.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, go on, get outta here. Thanks for the toke, baby.”

“Okay, gotta bounce anyway,” Jo-Jo said. “Kat’s got stupid fucking charges and I gotta curfew. Sure we can’t get someone for you, Beth?”

“No, go on, get outta here; it’s okay, thanks.” They each gave one another a hug before they left, and when they were gone for sure, Beth reached for her dope and sprinkled a bit more on the tinfoil she had hid behind her; she expertly centred the flame beneath it once more. She pulled in the smoke quickly, held it, and then let the thick billows of it escape her lips. She watched in fascination as they curled and danced, and then lingered just in front of her before drifting up and out though the gaps in the tarp. She tried to stand up, but she couldn’t hold her pee and as she moved awkwardly, she felt the gush of water and the splashes on her pants and feet. “Fuck me; I just changed.” She got herself the rest of the way up, clinging to the back of the truck adjacent to the wall, and made her way out into the open. She looked around frantically and saw Becca sitting in a car with Bobby — a regular — parked close enough. She called out to Becca once, twice, and louder the third time, managing to get her attention.

Becca leaned over and said something to her trick before opening the door, jumping out, and running over to Beth.

“It’s fucking time, Becca. I’m scared … oh, shit, I gotta go now. Hey, think he will drive me?”

“Let me go ask. It’s Bobby; he can’t say no to anything. Give me a sec, can you hang on?”

“Oh, fuck man … ouch … I don’t think so. Shit — my knapsack — can you grab it? Hurry, Becca.”

Becca ran to the car, leaned in and said something to Bobby, and then ran back to Beth and helped her to the waiting car. Bobby nodded in panic and said, “Jesus Christ, Beth, when did it start?”

“This morning, I think. Oh, we better hurry.”

“Jesus, hang on. We’ll get you there.”

At the emergency entrance, Becca jumped out and opened the back seat door to help Beth slowly out of the car, and Bobby went running in and came back with a nurse and a wheelchair.

“How far apart are the contractions, Beth?” the nurse asked calmly.

“I don’t fucking know, but it’s time right fucking now. I’m gonna pop before you get me in there if we chat about it.”

Becca held onto her hand and made sure she was safely inside before the nurse said, “We’ll take it from here. Thanks for getting her here.”

“Do you want me to stay with you, Bethie? I will, I can. I’ll tell Bobby to take off; you can’t be alone.”

“Nah, man, it’s okay. Go on, take off. Nothing you could do anyways, but thanks, Becks.”

As the nurse wheeled Beth away, Becca felt a sense of helplessness overtake her. “Please look after her, please,” Becca pleaded. The nurse nodded and said she would be in good hands.

“Hey, thanks, babe,” Beth called out over her shoulder. “Tell Bobby I said thanks, too. And fuck, sorry if I fucked up his back seat. Oh, yeah, an’ Becca, can ya tell Betty for me, okay?”

“I will, I will. Promise. Take care you, okay? Love ya big time.”

“Yeah, love you, too, Becca. Thanks babe, you’re the best.”

Becca went back out to the car where her date was covering the back seat with a blanket from the trunk, mumbling nervously. “Is … is she … are they going to be okay?”

“I hope so … I mean, I think so, but the …” Becca didn’t finish her thought out loud. “Sorry about all that. Holy shit; thanks for helping; I won’t forget it.”

“I have two kids. I know what it’s like: when it’s time, it’s time. I just hope they’ll both be okay. Does she have family?”

“Not really, it’s just her. Hey, think you can drop me off at Dottie’s? I need to tell Betty and maybe see if Beth can go and stay there for a while when she’s discharged. Last time they booted her out the same damn day; at least she’ll get to stay overnight this time. Goddamit; everything’s just all so fucking fucked up. I just wish she could get a fucking break for once, ’cause God knows, she deserves one.” Becca wiped away her tears as they pulled out.

Beth held her belly with one hand, and held the other up to shield her eyes from the shock of the bright lights. The nurse quickly wheeled her past the crowded corridor of stretchers, occupied chairs, and people lining the walls.

“When was the last time you ate, Beth?”

“’Bout an hour ago, and I had milk, too. I been drinking lots and lots of milk this time; that’s good right? Ouch, holy shit.”

“Are you on any medication, or have you taken any drugs or alcohol in the last twenty-four hours?”

“Why? I don’t think it makes a freaking difference now, do you?”

The nurse rounded the corner to the bank of elevators and called for someone to hold the door while she manoeuvred in expertly. A man whose arms overflowed with blossoms, pink ribbons, and bows gently nudged his son closer to him — a small boy holding a bouquet of balloons tightly in his little fists — to make room. Beth looked up at the two other people who were talking excitedly about becoming grandparents for the third time. They beamed with pride at the nurse, and looked down at Beth as she let out another cry, muffled this time.

“Daddy, it smells like pee in here. Yuck,” said the little boy. Beth’s face burned with embarrassment as the doors opened and she was wheeled to escape from the father’s reply.

They wheeled past the desk, and the nurse said to the others, “This little one’s not waiting. Where do you want her? Who’s on duty?”

Beth’s hearing became momentarily muted and her head began to spin. The nurse pulled open a curtain. “Okay, I’m going to need you to get yourself up and lie down here for me; you’ll see the doctor in a few minutes.” The nurse motioned to the stretcher and patted it three times. Beth took her feet off the foot rests and pulled her sore and shaky body up; the nurse rested her hand gently on Beth’s back for support before she turned and vanished behind the curtains, leaving Beth alone. Beth stared at the bright white walls, lights, and high ceilings; they made her feel very, very small, scared, and alone. The frenetic sounds of the hospital and the cries of a newborn only served to further panic her, and she began to hyperventilate. Then the tears came. She wept because she was so all alone, and wished for someone, anyone, to make her feel cared for, loved, and protected. She wished she’d had the courage to ask Becca to stay with her, but she hadn’t. She couldn’t; she never did.

Beth showed up at the diner a day later. The hospital had discharged her with a few bus tickets, a paper bag of pads, and some disposable underwear. She went straight to Betty, dropped her knapsack, and burst into tears — tears that she had saved up for far longer than usual.

“Betty, Betty. They … they … they said I wasn’t …” she took in a huge gasp of air between the tears, “… wasn’t allowed to have my baby.” Struggling for breath, she said, “One nurse said I hurt my baby.” Beth took several more short, sharp gasps of air. “And I tried to tell them about all the milk I had bin drinking this time, and … and … how fuckin’ hard …” she gasped, “… I tried not to use. I really tried, Betty. I really fucking tried hard.”

Betty reached her generous arms out to her and helped her sit down. “I know you tried hard; I know. You know, your mom has been in a few times looking for you; she’s really worried about you, dear.”

“Yeah, well,” Beth replied, “she had her fuckin’ chance to be worried when that pedophile, molesting bastard she let move in with us was diddling me, and I told her and told her, and she called me a filthy liar. She don’t get to be worried now.” Beth started to slow her breathing down, and wiped her nose on a balled up bunch of tissue.

Betty pulled a linen hankie out of her pocket, folded neatly, and handed it to Beth. She gently put her arm around her while Beth wept her tears of defeat. Beth allowed the closeness, but only for a few minutes before shrugging off Betty’s arm and weakly getting up to head to the bathroom in the back, with her brown paper bag. When she returned, she sat back down at the end of the counter closest to the kitchen, and gratefully accepted the cup of coffee and homemade soup Betty had set out for her.

“You know, dear, I’ve told you: whenever you’re ready and can promise not to use any dope here, you can stay upstairs ’til you feel stronger.”

Beth looked up at Betty with reddened eyes and shook her head, up and down, up and down.

The room was simple and charming; it was painted a soft shade of moss green on two of the walls and a cream colour on the others. It had a beautiful cream painted wooden bed against the wall in the middle, with a five-foot-high carved headboard and a three-foot-high footboard. The bedding was a soft green, with crisp white sheets with a six-inch, delicate embroidered edge turned down over the blanket. And pillows — lots of pillows — and a thick, darker green blanket folded at the end. There was a table next to it with a lamp. And there was a small wooden bookshelf on the other wall filled with books and magazines; and there were cards and puzzles on a table near a window, with a black, high-back upholstered chair.

“Holy shit, Betty,” Beth let her tears of thanks stream down her face as she clutched at Betty to steady herself, “this is too nice. I might not ever leave, ya know.”

“Well, you just get some rest and I’ll check in on you often. If you need anything, you just let me know. There are clothes in the closet, so take what you need, dear.”

Beth looked at Betty as if seeing her for the first time. “Thank you, Betty. Really, I mean really, thank you.” Beth pulled the cover down to climb into bed. “Oh shit … Betty … Betty; I can’t sleep on this, I’ll be bleeding and gettin’ it ruined on ya. I could just sleep here on the floor; that way it’s easier to clean up the bleeding, okay … okay?”

Betty looked at her with concern. “Well, you are not sleeping on the floor; I won’t allow it. How about I give you some extra towels and you could place those where you need them; how would that be, dear? I don’t want you to worry about it at all, Beth.” Betty walked across the room to the shelf filled with towels and facecloths and brought several over and set them on the bed. “You take a peek and see if there are any clothes you want to change into, if you want. The bathroom is right through that door; there is a nice, big old bathtub just waiting to be filled.” Betty smiled and opened the bathroom door. “This is your bathroom, dear. I think everything you’ll need should be here, but if not, you just let me know and we’ll see if we can’t manage to find what you need.”

“Really … don’t s’pose you have a toke kickin’ around, huh?”

Betty chuckled softly and smiled. “No, I don’t s’pose I would. You just try and get some rest, okay? I’ll see you in a while.” Betty closed the door gently and made her way back downstairs to the diner through the kitchen.

Betty looked in often as promised and brought Beth meals and snacks, and spent time in the evenings with her listening to her talk and work through her grief. She stayed in the room over the diner for almost five days, but said she needed to leave before she broke Betty’s rules. Betty understood. Beth left on a Saturday, taking with her the money left out in the tip jar — the jar that Betty kept there in the open, just as Gladys had done before her.

Beth didn’t return for many months, but when she did, she was changed somehow, different than before. She walked in with her head down and sat at a table far from the counter for only a few moments until she saw Betty walking over to her with a warm smile. Beth smiled back at her, nodded, and just as quickly got up and ran out the front door just as Kelly walked in, bell jingling. Beth had left an envelope on the table with Betty’s name written in purple pen and a beautifully intricate drawing around the words “Thank you & Sorry.” Betty wasn’t surprised and had almost been expecting her. She smiled as she picked up the artful envelope and placed it in her pocket, the one with a linen hankie.