Mum had the day off. She wanted to spend time with me. So she came up with the idea to go shopping and grab coffee. A girls day. I went along with the idea. I loved my mum. I’d do anything for her. God knows how much she’s done for Liam and me. But I wasn’t in the mood to shop. Even before the accident it was never one of my favourite things to do. But it was a day to hang out – just the two of us. I didn’t really care what we were doing, as long as we were together. I had survived a car accident that should have killed me. I shouldn’t have been complaining about the luxury to shop. I was alive. I think that’s what I wanted.
They say “Shop till you drop” and we did. Even though I kindly declined – several times – Mum insisted on the splurge. She bought me a new pair of jeans and a few winter jumpers. They were dark, big and baggy. The way I wanted them. Easier to hide. Mum tried to shove some colour into the pile, but I wasn’t ready. I wanted to be surrounded only by things that took me to my dark place. A place I felt comfortable. A place I still found myself craving.
On the drive home, Mum said she had a place in mind for us to get something to eat and drink. Even though my appetite was still minimal, I agreed. I wanted to continue hanging out. For the entire day, she had been so comfortable with me. The most she’d been since I’d been home. There were still moments when she treated me like a feather, but I overlooked them.
She was a young mum. She had Liam when she was nineteen, and me a couple of years later. I couldn’t imagine my brother being a dad. He was so irresponsible. She had sacrificed so much for us to be where we were. We’re not the richest people, or the poorest. We have what we need and usually don’t ask for more.
I could tell Mum was getting used to driving at a normal pace with me in the car. We almost matched other car speeds. She drove just under the limit, but I could tell she was driving with extra caution. She didn’t know this, but a couple of times I watched her reverse down the driveway, then speed down the road as she made her way to work. Secretly I just wanted her to act like she did before. I didn’t want her to change. I didn’t want her walking on eggshells when she was around me. She used to call drivers “Assholes” or “Scumbags” when they’d cut her off or drive ill mannered. She rarely said something like that now. I felt like she stopped saying stuff like that to protect me. As if her driver’s tongue would trigger me into my darkness or a panicked state. But I wanted things to go back to normal. I wanted to feel normal again.
I waited for a driver to cut in front of us, or do something stupid for me to shout at them “Douchebag”. But cuss words never felt natural leaving my lips. Mum always laughed at my failed attempts. She was glad her sometimes-vile tongue didn’t get passed down to me. Liam inherited it. The only time I used bad language was when I was angry – really angry. Other than that, it just wasn’t me.
I gave up waiting for the opportunity to reignite Mum’s driver’s tongue. Instead I gazed at her as we continued our pleasant drive. We have the same blue eyes and heart-shaped face, but she seemed to pull everything off better than me. Her face has light wrinkles and I felt guilty for bringing them out. When she smiled at me, I felt warm and safe. I always loved that about her when I was kid. But now a heavy feeling weighed my stomach because I knew I was keeping a secret from her. I pushed the feeling aside as best I could and continued to admire her natural beauty. She said if she had the money she’d go under the knife, but I told her I’d protest and slap the knife from the surgeon’s hand if it came to that. She had one hand on the wheel and with the other she tucked her light brown hair behind her ear. It waved down just past her shoulders. I smiled. I love you Mum.
When we pulled into the local shops, my jaw dropped. “Where are we eating?”
“Here.” She smiled. “I know how much you and Liam like coming here. And the three of us used to come here quite a bit when you were younger. I haven’t been here in ages, so I thought it might be nice if we did.”
I also hadn’t been in there in ages. Now there I was again – the next day. I hoped Kai wasn’t there.
Mum and I strolled in. The bell rang overhead and there he was on the other side of the room, dressed all in black, just like the day we met. He gave this small group of girls their orders. They giggled – he must have said something funny. Was it the same thing he had said to me? Not that I remembered what it was. Kai turned around, an empty tray under his arm. Our eyes met. A large smile stretched across his face. I immediately looked away. Mum was looking at the menu board. She linked our arms then led us to an empty table, where we set down.
“Mum. I think we should …”
“Hello again Peyton Swift,” Kai said.
Mum glanced to him and then at me. She grinned.
This was not what she thought. This was not happening.
“Hey,” I said.
“Just come up to the counter when you’re both ready to order.” Kai moseyed off.
Mum leant over the table to me and whispered a little too loudly. “He’s nice. When did you meet him?”
I snapped around and hoped he hadn’t heard. Kai was nowhere to be seen. I assumed he was somewhere in the back room.
“I told you, yesterday I went for a walk.”
“You didn’t tell me about him.”
“Mum.”
“What? Don’t you think he’s cute? I do.”
“Mum … There’s more about a person then their physical appearance.”
Kai was cute. I wasn’t going to take that away from him. But I didn’t know him. I had known of him for less than twenty-four hours. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel about him.
Mum and I ate our food. For a little while we leant back in the chairs, allowing digestion to take its course as we discussed plot theories for one of our favourite TV shows. We looked at the time and decided to make our way back home. Finally.
Kai approached us. “How was the food? Was it that bad you’re leaving already?”
Mum liked his joke. She giggled. “No, the food was delicious. Thank you. We really enjoyed it.”
He looked to me. His blue/brown irises searched my face as if he were seeking another truth. An answer to a question he hadn’t asked yet.
“Yeah.” I nodded and rushed a smile. “The food was great. But we better get going.”
“Hang out with me.”
“What? When?” The second question wasn’t supposed to slip through my lips.
“Right now.”
“Oh, um, sorry. I’ve gotta go with Mum.”
“No Peyton, you don’t. You can go …”
Why Mum? Why?
“Are you up for it then?” Kai asked.
“Yes she is.” I glared at her. A bright smile stretched across her face. She leant in, kissed me on the cheek and hugged me. She whispered in my ear. “You’ve got to get back out there.” She kissed my cheek again, then left without another glance back.
I looked at Kai. He smiled proudly like he had just accomplished something.