I found myself in front of the garage door. The one connected to the inside of the house. The door that took me to my Art Cave. I stood perfectly still. I felt every beat my heart made. I was home alone. The silence lingered.
What was I doing? I knew I wasn’t going to go in there, but that was the closest I’d been to the garage since I’d been home. No one else goes in there, so no one else knew and I thanked the heavens above for a family that respected my privacy – most of the time.
My skin began to tingle. Flashes corrupted my mind. Hurriedly making my way to my bedroom, I switched my music on and turned up the volume as loud as it could go. I stood there with my eyes closed as the noise took over every part of me. I didn’t fight it. I wanted the sound to drown my thoughts. Drown me. I wanted the music to take me away. Make me forget.
I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to see the light.
It was Friday. Mum was thrilled to find out that I was going on a date with Kai. I tried to play it cool and said we were just hanging out, but she wouldn’t have it. I was going on a date. It could only be a date. I started to think that she just liked the word “date”. I let her have her moment to bask in the glory that I was getting back out there. I preferred that side of Mum, compared to when she acted as if I was a china doll. Fragile. On the verge of shattering. Sure, I had been injured and the marks across my skin were a daily reminder of the thought of losing me, but there I was in front of her. Alive. I still think that’s what I wanted. There I was getting ready for the date.
Butterflies swirled within me. A larger part of me regretted agreeing to the date. Was this what I wanted? Was it something I could do? When had I fully convinced myself to commit?
I dressed casual in black jeans and a baggy grey jumper, twisted an extra-large scarf around my neck and arranged a beanie on my head. I platted my hair and let it fall to the side. I tried to cover my nervousness. I didn’t want it as an accessory, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake it away. Mum told me I looked beautiful, but I never saw myself that way.
The doorbell rang.
There he was. Jeans, white t-shirt and his leather jacket. My heart dropped at the thought of the motorbike. I think he saw the concern printed over my face.
“Cool your jets, Peyton,” he whispered. “I didn’t come here on my motorbike. I assumed ‘not today’ either.” Kai smiled at me with his wide smile. It was impossible for me not to feel relieved. Was I really that obvious though?
“You look nice by the way … Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah … Just let me say goodbye to Mum.” I knew she was lingering near the lounge door, listening to every word. Her sudden appearance made that abundantly clear.
“Hi, I’m Kai.” He remained on the doorstep and stuck his hand out. “It’s nice to see you again.”
Mum shook his hand and introduced herself. “I’m Emma. It’s nice to see you again, too.”
“My intentions with your daughter are as follows: she intrigues me so I must know more. I want to impress her and take her on the best second date she’s ever been on to convince her for a third.” He looked at me. “Yes, a third. She interests me like no one else ever has. I shall keep her safe, Ms Swift. She will be home at an appropriate hour and I will act like a complete gentleman, like I was born in the fifties, maybe a little more modern – you know, with less sexism and all that, but a gentleman nonetheless.”
Was that what he meant by preparing for a second date – impressing my mum?
“Well then, I’ll leave you two to it … And no later than eleven would be an appropriate hour.”
I’d never had a curfew – I knew Mum was testing him.
“Ten thirty it is then,” Kai said.
The nerves stroking through me had partially left when I saw Kai at my door. There was something about him that made me feel almost safe. I wasn’t fully ready to acknowledge the excitement I was beginning to feel, but I knew it was there. I still needed my dark sanctuary, unwilling to breathe life into the colours happiness could bring. I took a deep breath and hoped Kai hadn’t noticed the internal battle I was waging.
We walked to a rusty tin with wheels, which I assumed was his car. He opened the door for me. I stood frozen on the driveway. The fears I’d been ignoring sprang to the surface. I wanted to get in the car – if only to sit. But I couldn’t move.
“Is everything OK?” Kai asked.
I didn’t look at him, but felt his stare. My eyes remained locked to his car – a gaze I could not break. My breaths became shallow as the lump grew in my throat.
“The car works perfectly fine I promise. She may look a little rusty but she was, is, in tip top shape.”
I shook my head and cleared my throat. The words slipped out of my mouth. “I was in a car crash.”
I didn’t want to tell him. It was never my plan to chuck that in his face. I didn’t want to see sympathy sitting in his eyes. I didn’t want him to feel bad for me.
For the first time since leaving my house, I looked at him, my sights finally free from gazing at the car. Somehow, I felt like I could breathe a little easier.
“Oh … I’m sorry.” Everything changed about him. His body language. His face. His eyes. “We don’t have to drive if you don’t want … How do you feel about walking?”
A fresh gust of wind pushed between us. I knew a storm was about to begin. I didn’t want to be the reason we caught pneumonia.
“No. I’ve been in a car since it happened … I … I just haven’t been driving with someone other than my mum.”
“Well I promise to take it slow. I’ll drive at a speed you feel comfortable with. If you want to stop you say the word and we’ll stop. I don’t care where we are, I’ll pull over and we can figure it out … Our date destination isn’t far from here anyway. Like I said, we can walk there if you prefer. These boots are made for walking …” Kai lifted his foot, his high-top black boots looked like they might break at any second.
“No … We can drive there.”
“Well OK then, whenever you’re ready, Miss Swift.”
He remained a modern gentleman and held onto the door. I stepped inside and buckled up as he gently shut the door. He walked to the other side and got behind the wheel. “Are you OK?”
“Yeah.”
No.
Maybe.
Kai started the car. The engine roared. It was much louder than I anticipated. I jumped at the sound and reached for the dashboard. Kai looked at me. Worry splattered across his face. I didn’t want his sympathy.
“Are you all right? Do you want me to shut it off?”
I shook my head and rearranged my scarf. “No.” I stroked my thighs and breathed deeply. I focused forward to the road ahead. “Just go slow.”
He pulled off the kerb. The motion was bumpy and rough. The wheels were flat on the road. We began to move. If I’d closed my eyes I could’ve pretended I was rollerblading – not that I’d done that since I was a kid – but that’s what the drive down the street felt like.
“Is this OK?” Kai asked.
“You can go a little quicker, if you want.”
“Dare devil. I like it.”
He placed his foot down on the pedal and we moved a little faster. If our windows had been down, there would have been a soft breeze.
The roads were quiet; it made me feel a little safer. During the short drive there wasn’t much conversation, other than Kai asking if I was OK and me replying “Yes”. The radio kept cutting out. Kai tried to find a signal and change the station. He didn’t try for very long. I could tell he wanted to completely focus on driving. My ears latched onto the crackling, then the songs whispered through the speakers. It was a distraction. I turned it into a game to keep myself occupied.
It wasn’t until we parked the car that I realised where we were. Through the window, I searched the empty carpark. Why were we there? There of all places.
My old high school.
For our second date he took me to a place I promised myself I would never go again.
“What are we doing here?”
“Well I think it would be fun to break in and hang out in there,” Kai said.
“Why? That doesn’t sound like much fun.”
“Have you ever done it before?”
“No.”
“Then it’s a new experience for both of us!”
“You’ve never done it before either?”
“No, I have. But I’ve never broken into a school with you before.”
“And I don’t think you will. I don’t want to.”
“Why?” Kai asked.
“I just don’t want to.”
“You’ve gotta give me a reason.”
“This is my old high school, Kai! I dropped out a little while ago and promised myself I’d never come back here.”
“Well, we can make an exception – have you ever seen the school at night?”
“I don’t want to!”
“Come on …”
“Is this what you do? Push people to do things they don’t want to just so you can feel like you’re living.”
“That’s not why we’re here.”
“Why then?”
“I planned our perfect second date. There are things waiting for you in there.”
“Things? Like what?”
“Well it’s all supposed to be a surprise.”
“Another thing you should know about me. I don’t like surprises.”
“Got it.”
“You either tell me what you’ve planned in there or you take me home.”
Kai sighed. He turned the key in the ignition. The engine rumbled. That time I was ready for the sound. We drove back to my house in silence. The radio didn’t try to make a noise. Kai didn’t even ask me if I was OK. Maybe he didn’t care anymore.
The sky continued its darkening act. The minutes passed and I grew angrier. Frustrated. Part of me wanted to know what he had planned for me in there. Was it sexual? Was it supposed to be romantic? The other part of me just wanted to get out of the car and never see him again.
Kai pulled into my driveway. As I unbuckled, he jumped out of the car and came to the passenger side. I flung open the door before he had a chance to try and woo me with his charm.
“This was the worst best second date I’ve ever been on!”
“In my mind it didn’t play out like this …”
“Well not everything in life can be planned out … Goodbye Kai Pearson.” I stormed off before he could say anything else. He could have called out as I walked to the front door, but he didn’t.
Slamming the door released some of the anger I carried. My heart sank. Was I disappointed? I made my way to the lounge and peeked out the window. I stared at him. He was looking to the stars, his shoulders raised as he breathed deeply. He closed the passenger door then made his way to the driver’s seat. The car engine grumbled and made me jump. The headlights shone as he reversed away.
I closed the curtains. My heart grew heavy. I was disappointed.
“P, what are you doing back so early?”
“I wasn’t in the mood for a date. I’m just going to go to bed.”
“Is everything all right? Are you all right?”
“Yeah. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“Did something happen?”
“Mum, I just want to go to bed. Night.”
I felt weighted as I closed my bedroom door. I couldn’t stop my hands trembling. They’d been like that since the accident, but it was starting to go away. It wasn’t until I noticed that the rest of me was shaking that I realised I wasn’t trembling because of a side effect. My bones were clattering because I was remembering.
My breaths were scattered. Through teary eyes I searched for a distraction. But my mind wasn’t letting me latch onto anything other than the flashes, which grew stronger with every short breath. I bit my lip and shook my head. I remembered the sound of the door locking. It was abnormally loud. I was frozen. Trapped. I remembered running with nowhere to run.
A tear rolled down my chin. I’d known since I’d been home from hospital that my bedroom was no longer my sanctuary. I hated the fact that this place where I could once find countless distractions no longer offered me one in my greatest time of need. I shut my eyes and clasped my hands around my head, pretending that that would cut my thoughts short. But I remembered the blinds being shut. I remembered screaming to no one.
I opened my eyes and searched my bedroom. For a moment it felt like I was back there – in that room. I twisted my door handle and cracked open the door. I could get out. I could run. I could run to Mum – if I wanted. I could tell her. I shut my door and lent against it. Every part of me shook.
I squeezed my arm. Pressed onto the largest cut I had. I squeezed harder and harder until my entire thoughts had to focus on the pain. I took slow deeps breaths in my final attempt to take back control of my thought pattern.
The physical pain was all I could feel. I throbbed. My heart. My brain. My arm.
I placed myself on the edge of my bed. My hand still resting on my injury – ready to squeeze if a hint of my past flashed.
I wished I had known Kai was going to take me to my old school. I could’ve stopped him. I could’ve stopped this. I knew going on the date was a bad idea. My darkness would’ve been easier to crawl into if I hadn’t of spent so much time with his light.