It was late morning. I was bored. I had done my usual morning act, which felt like a daily ritual. Eat breakfast – which consisted of sprinkling some flakes or oats in a bowl and drowning them with milk. I sat at the kitchen table, soaked in silence, and carelessly swirled the spoon as if I were hypnotised. I usually ate a few spoonfuls until my body insisted I was full or not hungry. I’d throw the sloppy cereal away, then empty the dishwasher. After that I’d make my way down the hall. Mum had arranged frames on the wall. They were filled with some of our favourite family moments. Photographs of when Liam and I were babies. A close-up family selfie taken just over a year ago, our three smiles wide and bright. I stared at the picture. My heart swelled, yet I wondered if I’d ever feel as much happiness as had been captured in that photo.
My grey state took over. My body grew numb. I sombrely walked to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and washed my face. I barely looked at myself in the mirror. I could count on one hand how many times I had stared at myself – really looked at myself – since returning home from hospital. That day was no different. The mirror offered me no interest. I didn’t know who I really was anymore, and right now I wasn’t curious to find out. I didn’t really want to see my face. Since being home I would close my eyes as I dressed myself, so there was no chance to catch a glimpse of my healing wounds. Would they ever be beautiful? At that time I didn’t really care. They were there for one purpose and one purpose only. The time I would look at them was when I’d pick at them in the shower. Force a speck of pain. Then let the water wash it away. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see the marks that day. I wasn’t sure if I was ready.
My ears latched on to the sound of a passing car. The humming of its engine and the rush of tyres lasted for just seconds. The brief noise was a welcome change. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath as I searched my bedroom. The turquoise feature wall was fading and chipping. I kept my blinds closed to keep the darkness. For a change I had made my bed and arranged my cushions. The smell of vanilla, from a large candle Mum bought me last Christmas, stuck in my nostrils. I liked the aroma – simple and sweet.
I flopped on my bed. Home alone again. I liked being by myself. I didn’t have to put on a show or convince someone I was fine. I knew Mum knew there was something going on, that I wasn’t the same girl from several months ago – the girl who was slightly outgoing and dreamt of exploring the world. I think she believed the therapy sessions were helping. That was also why I still went to them – because it was helping her.
I stared at the ceiling, silently questioning what I was doing with myself. What I should be doing with myself. A small speck of me missed school. Missed the regularity of it all.
What was I thinking? I hated that place. I never wanted to go back.
Without warning, memories flashed. They arrived so quickly that I couldn’t shake them away. All I could see were eyes filled with hatred. The trickle of blood. Blurred movements. I wanted to scream. A sharp pain stung my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I rushed to leave my bedroom. Searched for an escape. I stumbled down the hall, leaving the vanilla scent behind, and hurriedly made my way outside. The fresh air met me. I wheezed in the cold. The imagery vanished. I fell to the ground. Defeated. I inhaled slowly until my wheezing became controlled breaths. Rain grazed my skin. It felt heavier as the seconds passed. But it could have been the collection of tears that rested on my cheeks. I crouched on the grass and wished I could be cleansed of the secret I was keeping. Cleansed of this part of me I didn’t want. The part of me I tried to forget.
I wasn’t entirely ready for our date, although this time I was determined not to ruin it. I had begun to overanalyse the appropriateness of this moment. Because of what had happened to me, I wasn’t totally ready for this moment. Was it something I could handle? It kind of helped that I knew where we were going. Still, nerves sauntered through me. There was still time to cancel. But I knew if I did, I wouldn’t have a distraction.
The doorbell rang. Mum answered it as I sat on the sofa and laced up my shoes.
“Hello Ms Swift.”
“Hi Kai. And please, just call me Emma.”
I made my way to the front door. The three of us stood together.
“My intensions with your daughter remain the same. Although this time round, I’m determined to give her the best third date.”
Mum smiled her beautiful smile. I could tell she liked him, which kind of made this easier. “Off with you two.”
Kai wore his black leather jacket and black jeans with a dark-green V-neck t-shirt and a black fedora, which suited him perfectly. His slightly curly hair was slicked back, revealing his fresh forehead. The ends of his hair fell just above his shoulders. He looked hotter than I remembered. I was unprepared for the colours he exuded. Unprepared for the light he radiated.
“Ready for round three?” His cheeky smile stretched across his face.
We arrived at my chosen destination. His tin can of a car got us there safely. We strolled into the ice-cream restaurant. It looked like it had been built in the 1950s – bright red fake-leather booths near the walls, small round two-seater tables arranged on the floor. We walked inside. Music played. Mum, Liam and I had been there every year on the first day of summer until we had grown out of the tradition. It was sad, really. I felt like I was missing out. But I knew I would always have those happy memories.
There was a crowd of people, and I was thankful; I needed them to be there.
Kai and I strolled to the counter. There were rows of tubs of different flavoured ice-cream and containers filled with too many types of toppings and sauces to count.
“So why here?” Kai asked.
I looked up at him. He was the perfect height. I could stand on my tiptoes and steal a kiss from him, if I wanted. I shook the idea from my thoughts. Tried to make it look like I was adjusting my hair through a flick.
“Have you never been here?”
“No.” Kai shook his head and slightly scrunched his nose and lips.
I liked it when he did that.
“Well, I haven’t been here in a long time and I have so many fond memories of this place, I thought it would be nice to come back here. Years ago, coming here was a treat. One my brother and I couldn’t wait for. Mum would let us order anything we wanted. One time, the three of us shared the Gigantor. It was supposed to be a challenge for just one person, and if they finished it all, they would get free ice-cream from the shop for a whole year. We took on the challenge and devoured it all. The owners were the nicest couple and gave my brother and me a little prize for eating it all, even though it was kind of cheating.” I smiled to myself. Right then, in that moment, I missed being a kid. I missed having no responsibilities. No worries. I also missed Liam and decided to text him when I got home.
Kai and I ordered our ice-creams then made our way to an empty booth. The spongy seats were just like I remembered, but the table felt lower.
We ate our frozen desserts.
“Tell me something,” Kai said.
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything. Anything.” He licked his spoon clean.
I bit my bottom lip. Was that because I wanted to kiss him? Or was it just an act of nerves? All I knew was that he wanted to know about me, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to. What would happen if he didn’t like what he saw? I was glad of the dark, baggy clothes I wore. They were layers that shielded me.
“Um …” I gazed around the room and thought of the first thing that came to mind – other than wanting know what it would be like to kiss him. “I’m a winter type of girl.”
“And what does that mean?”
“I prefer it when it’s winter.”
He stayed quiet, making me feel the need to elaborate.
“I love to snuggle with a blanket and listen to the rain as it falls. I like the sound the branches make when the wind rushes through them. If you listen carefully, it’s like they’re whispering to one another,”
I couldn’t believe I just said that. That must’ve sounded so lame.
“What about you?” I shoved a huge spoonful of ice-cream into my mouth so words could no longer exit.
“What? Do I like winter?”
I nodded as I tried to mumble through my mouthful.
“I like all seasons. Some more than others. Summer’s my favourite though.”
We finished our ice-creams but remained at the booth and continued to talk. I felt like I was the only girl in the world. Like at that very moment we were the only two people in the world. When I spoke he was always intrigued. He always wanted to know more. Every side of what I thought. I could tell he just wanted to understand. He looked at me and only me. Other customers walked into the restaurant – families with their boisterous children, other high schoolers – girls much prettier than me. From the corner of my eye I saw them check him out, silently wondering what was someone like him doing with someone like me. But his attention never strayed.
“Are you up for a walk?” Kai asked.
I peered out the window and saw the streets weren’t empty. I eased up a little. I knew the night’s air would be thin and cold, but I agreed to the walk anyway. I slightly feared if I didn’t, then he would just drive me home and our third date would be over – and I didn’t want the date to be over. I was enjoying myself.
We strolled side by side. The air wasn’t as cold as I was prepared for, but I knew as the minutes passed the temperature would decrease and the air would become crisp. We would look like two ice-breathing dragons.
“Tell me about your family. What’s your brother like? Your mum? Your dad?” Kai said.
“Well, we don’t speak about my dad … He ditched us when we were really young and we haven’t seen him since.”
“I’m gonna go ahead and say he’s a jerk. I won’t say the real words I’m thinking, they’re not for young ears. But he’ll never be brought up again.”
“You’re only a year older than me.”
“Still, he’s a topic we don’t need to discuss. He clearly doesn’t know what he’s missing out on. On to the next thing. What about your brother? What’s he like?”
“His name’s Liam. He’s been at college a little while now, studying business. He’s a couple of years older than me and has these ocean-blue eyes. If you stare long enough it’s like you can see waves. We did too many staring-eye contests when we were kids. Actually, when I was younger I used to want his eyes; mine are a darker blue like my mum’s, but I don’t think I’d be able to pull his off. He’s about as tall as you, maybe a little taller and his right arm is covered with tattoos, one of which I designed. I drew this picture ages ago and showed him one night. He thought it was awesome. He told me he wanted it, said he was going to frame it and put it in his room. I told him that it wasn’t finished yet. Without me knowing, he went into my Art Cave and stole it. He asked the tattooist to permanently print it on his skin. When he showed me I couldn’t believe it. He loved my drawing so much he had it inked on him. I knew he was making a point, proving that my art was good enough to show the world. And now it’s a piece in his story sleeve. I love him to bits, even when we get into stupid arguments, but they vanish minutes later and then we’re best friends again.”
“He sounds like a pretty cool guy…”
“He is.”
“Do you think you don’t do art anymore because Liam’s not around to show it to?”
“No not really. I know I can draw or paint anything and show him. Take a picture, email him, FaceTime him. But I’ve not been in a creative mood lately.”
“Well, I’m no Liam, but I will happily stand in as substitute viewer of your artworks.”
“Thanks.” I chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind…”
“Please do. I’m at your beck and call.”
I smiled.
“So what about your mum? What’s she like? I know I’ve already met her, and she’s great. But tell me more.”
“Well, my mum is amazing. We get along like we’re two peas in a pod. We laugh at each other’s lame jokes, watch movies and TV shows together. I understand what she’s saying when she mumbles with her mouth filled with food and she understands me when I do the same. We share secrets. Dreams. Hopes. She’s protective and is not afraid to transform into a mama bear. She always wants the best for Liam and me and always puts us first. She is the greatest woman I know. Strong. Independent. Beautiful. Confident. Everything I hope to be one day. I’m lucky to have her and I know that.”
I glanced at Kai. He smiled but I saw a speck of hurt in his eyes. Like my words had somehow weakened him. Was I reading him wrong? “What about you? Do you have any siblings? What are your parents like?”
Kai shook everything away. “Nah. We’re still on you.”
For a moment I didn’t say anything. The sound of our footsteps took over the conversation. I debated what to say. “But you haven’t told me anything about your family. Don’t you want to?”
“Maybe another time.”
I had never seen him like that before. He was cold and not just because the temperature was decreasing. I didn’t understand.
“Hey, it’s getting pretty cold now. Do you wanna head back to the car? I’ll take you home. We should get there around quarter past ten. I think your mum will be impressed.” As he spoke his words became fog.
“Um, OK.” My words became fog too.
I looked at him, silently questioning why he felt he couldn’t tell me something about himself. That whole time he wanted to know everything and anything about me, but I couldn’t know about him. He rubbed his hands in front of his chest then blew into them as we quickly made our way to his car. I hoped we walked fast because he wanted to be free of the cold.
We arrived at my house at 10.22 pm. I knew it was that time exactly because I looked at my phone, wanting to see my stopwatch. But I hadn’t set it. Kai walked me to the front door. We stopped and faced one another. Our breath visible. If he was going to lean in for a kiss, I wasn’t going to allow it. I wasn’t ready. I was never going to allow it, but especially not with the way things had changed. The mood wouldn’t have been right.
He took both my hands in his and raised them to his cold lips. My elbows were stiff with resistance but unlocked when he softly placed a kiss on my knuckles and replaced my arms to my sides.
“How was our third date?” Kai smiled, but it wasn’t the bright one he usually used. “The best third date you’ve ever been on?”
“Yeah.” I had to say that. That was the only third date I’d been on.
“Goodnight, Peyton Swift. Sweet dreams.”
As he walked towards his car, I made my way inside. Mum had the heater on. My limbs began to defrost. I leant against the door and heard his engine roar then hum as he reversed. I didn’t like the fact that there was something he wasn’t telling me.