I woke from a dreamless sleep. A nightmare-free sleep. For a moment I could pretend that the haunting had finished. That it had left. Right then, I decided I was going to enjoy the partial light.
I spent the morning with Mum until she had to leave for work. Liam called, and the three of us spoke for a little while. Mum and I sat at the kitchen table. We put the phone on loudspeaker so it was like he was there with us. I liked hearing about his day, his week. Hearing about his time in college. I smiled to myself, knowing Mum didn’t know the half it. We kept it from her to protect her. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. A sinking feeling rested in my stomach, because those were the same reasons I repeated to convince myself not to share my deepest secret, too. I shook the thoughts from my mind.
Hearing Liam’s voice made me miss him. Made me miss seeing him every day. I wanted him home so I could have some normality back in my life. Even though he had been at college a year before the incident and my accident I believed that if he came home, I would feel better. Because the last time I remembered feeling happy – really happy – was when the three of us were under one roof. It wasn’t Liam’s fault I felt that way. He didn’t even know I felt that way and I would never tell him. If I did, he would come back home without a second thought. He would drop everything for me. I stared at Mum across the table. Her sweet smile sent a warmth through me and I realised how selfish I was. Liam was where he needed to be.
I had to try and keep living too.
Mum went to work. I cleaned my room a little, and the rest of the house. I snuggled on the sofa watching another classic black and white movie. Although I wasn’t a spoiled heiress, I related to the main character. She was a girl running away from her family. A girl running towards what she knew she wanted. I wasn’t running away from my family – I had been pushing mine away, bit by bit – for their protection. The film was sweet and simple. The lack of colour made me feel safe. That day I wasn’t as invested in the story as I could’ve been. I just turned the TV on to help focus my thoughts on something else. I stared at the screen without really absorbing the plot. It was like I had no interest. My mind dazed. I didn’t know what my real interests were anymore. Keeping myself in darkness was my only concern. My task.
My phone beeped.
It was a text from Kai. The corners of my mouth rose. A distraction.
Kai: Are we boyfriend girlfriend?
My slight smile vanished. My heart sank. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a boyfriend. I wasn’t sure if that was something I was ready for.
Me: I don’t know.
Kai: Do u think you’d want to be my girlfriend?
Me: Is this u asking?
Kai: Well I would’ve done some sort of grand gesture that showed how much I care and writers would’ve stolen to put into movies, but this morning I woke up with this question stuck in my mind and now we’re firmly into the afternoon and I still can’t shake it away. I don’t like not knowing this type of thing.
Me: So this is u asking then?
Kai: Yes.
I thought about his question. Swayed myself to an answer.
No.
I convinced myself it was the right one and convinced myself again. I was getting ready to send him a text – even though I knew it was the answer he didn’t want to hear and I quickly realised that would be the moment I would lose him. From then on I would no longer see his beautiful eyes. His colours. His light. I didn’t want to think what would happen to my world. The colours Kai brought would no longer exist and I didn’t think I would find the strength anytime soon to create my own and make them believable – liveable.
My phone beeped. The sound shook away the overflowing thoughts. Another text from Kai.
Kai: Hold on. Let’s do a questionnaire. (But let me remind u I’m at work and might be fired if the bosses catch me using my phone so much – so it’s your fault if we’re broke.) So please tell me you’ll accept this as my (not so) grand gesture.
Kai’s words somehow slipped a lightness in me. My muscles felt relieved. Half of me was locked with a firm “No”. But the other half was curious.
Me: A questionnaire?
Kai: Yeah. Will u accept it as my grand gesture?
Me: We’ll see.
I didn’t know why I played along. My mind knew what was best.
Kai: Throughout my shift I’ll send questions ur way and all u have to do is answer Y or N. Ready?
Me: Y.
Kai: Good start!
A couple of seconds later my phone beeped. I read his message.
Kai: Do you like Kai Pearson? Y or N.
Me: Y.
I did like Kai. I related to him. Resonated with his story – his past. He was smart and charming and a good person. Why wouldn’t I like him?
Kai: Do u think Kai Pearson is either cute, hot and/or sexy?
Me: Y.
Kai: To which one??
Me: N.A.
Kai: U can’t just do that!
Me: N.A.
Kai: OK. Do u like spending time with Kai Pearson?
Me: Y.
Kai: Are u comfortable around Kai Pearson?
Me: Y/N.
Half of me felt elated when in his presence. As if I could do anything. As if I was capable – better than OK. But the other half of me remained in my darkness. Unprepared to see the light. Unprepared to accept it.
Kai: That question can be reviewed at a later date. Do u feel like u can tell Kai Pearson your secrets?
Me: N/Y.
I shared my secrets through my art. Since I wasn’t creating art anymore I wasn’t sharing my secrets. But that didn’t mean they didn’t exist.
Kai: Understandable. Will u admit to having a crush and/or feelings of like/love for Kai Pearson?
I laughed.
Me: Y.
His blunt honesty and bright confidence was what had made me like him in the first place. I wasn’t one to run around town or stand on rooftops screaming my confessions of undying love – pre- or post-accident. But I did like Kai. I couldn’t deny it. Not a single part of me tried to convince myself otherwise. Which made me nervous. Unprepared. Guarded.
Kai: Will you be my girlfriend?
Me: Y.
Kai: OXOX
I didn’t know what had come over me. Earlier that day I was locked with a firm ‘No’. But now, it seemed, I was willing to take the risk.