The next morning I woke with a smile on my face. I wanted to keep it there for as long as I could. Until it no longer felt natural. Until it no longer sent a surge of happiness through me. I shoved my hair into a messy bun and wrapped myself in my dressing gown then made my way down the hall. A sweet aroma drifted towards me. I stepped into the kitchen to find Mum baking and Liam stationed at the worktop.
“What’s all this?”
“Mum’s making pancakes,” Liam said.
“Yum.” I plonked myself on the stool next to Liam. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
Mum pointed to a collection of jars and small bowls. “You guys can just grab those toppings and take them to the table.”
Liam and I grabbed the toppings and placed them in the middle of the table. Mum had already set it with knives, forks and plates. We sat down to a large plate heaped with golden pancakes.
“Breakfast is served, my lovelies.”
The three of us stacked pancakes on our plates and topped them with ice-cream, chocolate sauce and strawberries.
“So how was your date last night, P?” Mum said.
“Yeah Peyton, how was it?”
I laughed. “Stop it.”
“What?” Liam said.
“Teasing.”
“I’m not teasing. Just wondering how my baby sister’s date went. Was he good to you?”
“Did you two have fun?” Mum said.
“Yes and yes.” My smile grew. “We played a few arcade games and a couple of rounds of bowling.”
“Did you beat him at air hockey?” Mum said.
“Three times.”
“That’s my girl.”
The three of us kept talking as we filled our mouths with home-made pancakes. This moment was coloured to perfection.
“Liam, I dare you to eat your last pancake with a bunch of awful toppings that should not be put together.”
“OK. What do I get out of it if I do?”
“Um …”
“I want a drawing or a painting.”
“Um … OK. Deal.”
Mum and I watched with disgust as Liam topped his pancake with mint-flavoured ice-cream, spray cheese, chocolate sauce and maple syrup, sprinkled with crushed cornflakes and olives.
“P, you dared me, remember. You can’t judge.” Liam scooped up his first forkful and chewed. “It’s actually not that bad.”
As we cleared the dishes, I smiled at the three of us. This moment reminded me of the time Mum got offered the full-time position at the hospital and Liam and I decided to make a feast for the three of us. I remember us searching for the best lasagne recipe online. When we finally chose one and got all the ingredients, we tried to follow the recipe as much as we could. We dropped ingredients all over the counter, which was covered in too many utensils. When it was finally in the oven, Liam went to his room and played on his PlayStation and I went to my Art Cave. I had my headphones in and I remember the foul stench. I rushed down the smoky hallway as Liam yelled out my name. He stood in the smoke clouds and chucked the burnt lasagne in the sink, whooshing his oven-mitt-covered hands around. I opened all the doors and windows and we both panicked, realising Mum would be home in twenty minutes. Luckily Liam had a good plan that required a little distraction on my part.
Mum arrived home and I told her to have a shower ‘cause Liam and I had something special planned. When she came out of her room she asked where Liam was, as she made her way to the kitchen, but I grabbed her arm and directed her towards my Art Cave. All this while Liam rushed to the restaurant his friend worked at. Before he left he rang and explained the emergency. What felt like an hour later, Liam came and found us in my Art Cave. After my lame excuses to keep Mum in there, I think from then on she knew the best way to capture tone in a painting through the use of implementing shapes and colours in way more detail than she ever desired. The three of us made our way to the table that was set with three freshly baked pieces of garnished lasagne.
It was one of the best lasagnes we’d ever eaten. As the three of us stood at the sink washing and drying the dishes, Mum blurted out laughing and told Liam to thank his friend for making it. She said she knew we couldn’t make something so delicious and that she smelt the burnt food halfway down the street. We all threw our heads back laughing.
I also thought of the countless fast-paced breakfasts we’d had before we went off to school and work. We’d rush through bites of food as we shoved books in our bags, then brush our teeth and button our clothes to look as presentable as possible in between the many times Liam and I fought over petty things – even though we’d both get over it in minutes.
Right now, I soaked up this moment, knowing how rare they were. Wanting to remember the details, I safely stored it away, making sure my darkness was unable to taint it.
I got washed and dressed then checked my phone to see one unread message. My heart flickered at the sight of his name.
Kai: Good morning. I hope u slept well. I have a question. But I don’t know if I want to ask u just yet. I’m still deciding.
Me: You must ask me now. I’m intrigued.
I imagined him smiling at my use of the word “intrigued” because that was what he wanted me to be. And I was.
I flopped on my bed with a sketchbook and pencil and began to draw. I was so intrigued with eyes and smiles and faces that I would draw them without thinking. I also loved capturing the beauty of plants and animals and would incorporate them into my work. But people have always inspired me. Not knowing their stories fascinates me. I wanted to seek out their truth and express it through splattering and blending, gradually transitioning the colours as if it were their story growing. I would lift my paper or canvas and let the water paint run down the page. I loved how the effect could impact the tone and the meaning of my work.
I placed the pencil on the paper and began to shape a female’s face without using a reference – just the fact that I had done it countless times before made me confident. A feeling I had been lacking.
Drawing came so naturally that before my mind truly registered what was happening, I was already comfortable with my action. There was no need to cease the flicking of the pencil in my fingers or pressing it down to allow for a darker line. The swift movement of my paper to angle it just so, allowing me to create the right shape, making me feel free. Creative. Happy. There was no need to force myself into my darkness.
My phone beeped.
I released my pencil but straight away I wanted to pick it back up.
I already knew the text was from Kai. I unlocked my phone and read his words.
Kai: OK then. How do u feel about my motorbike?
I took a deep breath and reread his question. We’d never spoken of his motorbike since the small mention at the start of our second date. My stomach turned.
Me: Fine.
Kai: How do u feel about going for a ride on my motorbike?
Me: Not so fine … I don’t know??
Kai: Well take ur time to decide. I have an idea/plan for us.
Me: Will this idea/plan change if we don’t go on the motorbike?
Kai: Y/N.
Kai: If u say Y to said motorbike ride, my idea/plan will kind of be symbolic.
Kai: No pressure though. You CAN say N.
Kai: OXOX
Still undecided, I stepped out of my room. I saw Liam tiptoeing down the hall. I was going to call out to ask what he was doing but I decided to follow him instead. I poked my head around the corner and my heart stopped. The door squeaked. “Liam!”
He pulled the half of his body that was stepping into my Art Cave back into the hallway.
“What are you doing?” My voice was loud. Stern.
He raised his arms in surrender. “Whoa, P.”
I stomped to him and shoved his shoulders. His back hit the wall much harder than I anticipated.
“Ouch!” He clutched his shoulder. “P! What the hell?”
“Don’t go in there! That’s my Art Cave. That’s my space.”
“OK! Geez. No need to shove!”
I bit my tongue, hoping to stop the tears I could feel expanding.
“What? Have you got a dead body in there or something?”
I didn’t reply. I folded my arms against my chest and stared at him with my jaw clenched. I stood my ground, hoping my lack of words would force him away.
Liam shook his head and left.
I walked past the lounge. He stared at the TV and didn’t say anything. I went to the kitchen and got a drink then plonked on the sofa. I felt like I had to keep him in sight. I needed to know where he was. I couldn’t have him see what was in my Art Cave.
I didn’t know what he was watching, but these men were blowing something up. I kept my eyes forward then reached my palm out to him. I heard him snicker.
“Thanks.” He said as he took the home-made cupcake.
I looked at him and softly grinned. Food was our go-to strategy when a peace offering was needed.
“I might need more than a cupcake this time, P. Like an explanation. What’s going on with you?”
I kept my sight on the screen. The two men blew something up again. This time, the explosion was bigger. The damage was greater.
“Nothing.” My panic flourished. I didn’t know how well I could talk myself out of this one.
Later that day, I crouched at the front door and put on my shoes. As I was layered in clothes, my movements were somewhat restricted.
“Where are you off to?” Liam said.
I had to get out of the house. There was something I wanted to do, but the need to breathe was on top of my list. I wanted fresh air. I needed it.
It had been a couple of hours since my squabble with Liam, and he hadn’t brought it up since I had pretended to be extremely invested in whatever TV show he had on. Truthfully, I couldn’t recall anything that had happened on the screen. I was silently listing off excuses, making up stories, anything I could think of that would convince him to drop the subject. Something that would make him forget what had happened. So I decided to leave him home alone – to prove I trusted him. I had simply overreacted. And if he did go into my Art Cave, I would figure out an explanation to divert him from the truth.
“I’m going to see Kai at work. He messaged earlier, telling me he had an idea and wants me to think about my answer. I thought I’d try and coax out some more information from him in person.”
“Want some company?”
“You can come if you want.” I didn’t mean to be as harsh as I was being. The words just fell out that way.
“Well will I be in the way?”
“You won’t be in the way. If you want to come, come.”
I waited for him to grab his jacket and beanie.
We slowly made our way to the coffee shop. The outside world was still grey. I watched as the dark, leafless tree branches swayed with the wind, like strokes from paintbrushes. The pavement was damp from the afternoon’s rush of rain. A fresh breeze wrapped around my body, engulfing me within my colourless surroundings. I was glad it was winter. The world helped me stay inside my grey ways.
I still didn’t want to see the light.
“So, has the coffee shop changed that much since the last time we were in it?” Liam said.
“No, not really. Obviously they’ve got different paintings.”
“That’s cool. Any of them you like?”
“Yeah, they’re really good. I’m pretty sure it’s work by two different artists. One of the collections is bright. Lots of colour. Filled with textures. The other is a little darker, like they’ve gone for a misty-fog theme. But they have a lot of detail. I think you’ll like them.”
“So are you going to tell me why you attacked me like a crazy person?”
“I’m sorry about that.” I looked at him. “I am. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He nodded slowly.
“It’s just you know I don’t like anyone going in there and …”
“P, I’ve been in there heaps of times. Yes, most of the time I was in there when you were there, but what’s the difference? It’s not like I was going to steal something or ruin one of your pictures. You know I’d never do that.”
“I know, it’s …”
“It’s what?”
Liam I’ve made paintings about my secret and I don’t want you to see them. I don’t want to see them. I don’t want you to know.
“I haven’t been in there since my crash.”
“But the other night you said you’ve been drawing.”
“I’ve been drawing in an art book I found in my room.”
“Oh … But why haven’t you been in?”
“For some reason it feels a bit overwhelming, and I don’t know what to make … Hold on a second, why were you going in?”
“Well you owed me a drawing, remember? The taste of that pancake keeps coming back to haunt me. I’ve brushed my teeth four times! Plus, I’ve been thinking about getting a new tattoo and was hoping to find something.”
“And now the real reason.”
“OK, first off, all of that is true. You do owe me a drawing and I have been thinking about getting another tattoo and would love it to be designed by you–”
“And second?”
“I know at dinner you said you’d been drawing, but I thought that maybe because you haven’t really been in an exceptionally creative mood lately, that if I showed you some of your old work you might be inspired. I’m sorry for intruding.”
We walked in silence for a minute.
“Hey, I haven’t had a chance to say thanks for having my back at dinner. It was a close one. I almost crumbled.” Liam said.
“What are sisters for?”
“So how are things with Kai? Is he treating you right?”
“Liam.”
“I’ve got to make sure you’re happy, P. I’ve got to know that he’s a good guy. That’s my job.”
“He’s treating me right. He’s a good guy.”
“You really like this kid then?”
I grinned. “Yeah.” This was the first time I had really admitted how I felt about Kai to someone else. It felt nice to say the words. Part of me even felt relieved.
“Well, good.” Liam nudged me.
After I regained my balance, we continued our slow stroll. I glanced at him. He was biting his lip. I knew what it meant when he did that. He had something he wanted to say. Something important.
“What is it?”
Liam looked at me, surprised. His blue eyes wide. “What?”
“What are you thinking? And don’t tell me you’re not. I know you are.”
“OK. But, don’t get angry, P, or try and push me away.”
I stopped moving. Planted my feet on the path. Liam continued one more step until he realised then stepped back to me and looked me in the eyes.
“What is it?”
I saw him swallow the lump in his throat.
“I just wanted to ask you about how you’re feeling, with the crash and things.”
“I’m fine.”
“P, I don’t want to make you upset.”
“I’m not. I already told you and Mum, I’m fine.”
“OK. But, you can tell me though, if you’re not. I’m good at keeping secrets, too.”
I nodded, hoping my silent agreement would be the end of this conversation.
But it wasn’t.
“It’s just …” Liam stopped himself.
“Just say it, Liam.” I needed to know what he was thinking. If there was something I could do to convince him to think of me differently. To see me differently. If there was something I could do to show him I was OK. That I was fine. Even if it wasn’t the full truth.
“Before the accident, you seemed distant. I know it kind of sounds stupid ’cause I’m away at college and we don’t see each other every day. But, I’d got used to our chats through technology. You’d send me random messages or videos of you painting in your Art Cave. And you kind of stopped doing that for a while. I was going to talk to you about it. Ask if things were OK, if I’d done something wrong. Then you were in the crash and, well, my world stopped.”
Tears brimmed in my eyes. I didn’t blink, in the hope that they would remain still. I separated my lips, wanting words to leave them. But before a sound escaped, Liam spoke.
“I’ve got to know that you’re all right here, P. That you and Mum and are both happy, because I’ll come back home without hesitating if you need me. Remember, before I left for college, you promised me you’d let me know if you or Mum needed me. You promised.”
In that moment I wanted to beg him to stay. To admit I needed him. That without him there, I was empty. Without him there, I could never be fully happy. Part of me wanted to tell him about the darkness I craved and about the secret from my past that I had run from. Because I knew he could protect me.
But I couldn’t. I couldn’t ask him to drop his life for me. It wouldn’t be fair.
I didn’t know how I was pulling it off, but the tears in my eyes remained there. Not a single one rolled to my chin. I knew they wouldn’t stay still for much longer. I stepped to Liam, stood on my tiptoes and latched my arms around his neck. I stared at the grey distance as my chin rested on his shoulder. I let my tears fall without sound as I breathed slowly. Liam wrapped his arms around me and stroked my back.
“I know the reward I want for my silence about your almost expulsion.”
“Oh yeah, what is it?”
I squeezed him. “I want you to stay … I want you to stay at college, and promise me that you’ll graduate. I want to see you in that cap and gown. I want to be that proud little sister cheering her big brother on from the audience.”
“Deal.” Liam kissed the top of my head. “But I better be able to hear you over the crowd.”
“Deal.” I wiped my eyes before we detached from our hug, realising I hadn’t really answered his question. I hadn’t given him any proof that I was OK. “Liam, I am OK. Speaking with Dr Wilson is really helping.” I saw a speck of hurt gloss over his eyes and assumed it came from my confiding in a therapist and not him. I knew he’d never say that though; after all, he did help Mum talk me into going. And I knew he knew the sessions were helping me.
“That’s good, P. I’m glad you’re still going to therapy and that it’s helping you.”
I smiled the best I could. Hoped that I was beginning to convince him.
“Maybe I should head back home,” Liam said. “I think I’ve already ruined your walk enough. I don’t want to ruin your chat with Kai.”
“No, don’t go home. You’ve not ruined anything.”
Liam flung his arm around my shoulder and we continued our walk.
We entered the coffee shop. It felt good to be out of the cold. I watched as Liam examined the art. It was the same canvases as the day Kai and I had met. The dream of having a piece of my own art in there sparked in my mind.
“Why don’t you look around then grab us a seat while I order us something and quickly chat with Kai. It won’t take too long.”
“Take your time. No rush.”
I ordered mine and Liam’s drinks then made my way over to Kai. He smiled. I felt lighter inside but my thoughts were locked in the dark. I liked the way Kai looked at me. The way he made me feel like I was OK with him. Maybe more than OK.
“Hello Peyton. What you up to?” Kai continued to sweep the floor behind the counter while he spoke.
“Liam and I are just hanging out. Also, I came here to ask you if you could go into any more detail about said plan slash idea?”
“No can do. That would ruin the surprise. And before you say you don’t like surprises, I think you’ll like this one. I promise no school or mention of sensitive topics. Now that you know me, and I’m your boyfriend, I think that increases the trust between us … Do you trust me?”
Did I?
Could I?
Maybe.
“Yeah, but I …”
“If you’re worried about the motorbike, you don’t have to be. I’ll take it slow, just like we did with our first car ride. I can’t take it too slow, otherwise we’ll fall off. But I’ll keep you safe, just like I promised your mum.”
I stared at him as I decided on my answer.
“Are you up for it then?” Kai asked.
His charming aura was weakening me.
“Yes. I’m up for it. But is there any chance this plan is happening anytime soon? I think I’d prefer it that way before I have the chance to change my mind.”
“Is tomorrow soon enough?”
“Yeah. Until then I’ll just not think about it.” I turned around ready to make my way back to Liam and let Kai get back to his work, until I remembered something and turned back to him. “One more thing. Can we maybe not tell my mum about your motorbike or our motorbike ride? She’d freak and most likely chase you out of the house holding a frying pan high in the air if she found out.”
“She’s not a fan of them either?”
“Well I’m more of a fan than she is, but with everything that’s happened, it’s just easier if we keep it to ourselves.”
“My lips are sealed. Another secret we keep … I like it.”
I was about to step away.
“Wait!” Kai said. “Where do you want me to pick you up from?”
“Um … Here. Just tell me the time and we’ll meet here tomorrow and go forth and conquer your said plan.”