I told Mum I was going on a date with Kai and I didn’t know when I’d be home. She wished us both a good time and told me to call her if I needed anything. The weather wasn’t too cold as I made my way to the coffee shop. The air was calm and a soft breeze occasionally swept through, but it hadn’t rained.
Nerves pricked at my insides. A mix of genuine nerves about my first time on a motorbike, intertwined with my excitement to spend time with my boyfriend. My boyfriend. How weird.
I saw Kai. He looked hot leaning against his jet-black bike, waiting for me. The motorbike seemed bigger – meaner – compared to the last time I had seen it. I felt my muscles soak up fresh nerves as if they were a sponge.
“Are you ready for this, Peyton Swift?”
“I don’t think you can get more ready than I am right now,”
“Really?”
“No! I’m kind of scared and a little nervous. I don’t know … I’m just trying to psych myself up.”
Kai laughed at me. This simple sound made me ease up, if only a little.
A thin-toothed headband pulled his hair back and made it looked lighter. He rubbed his hands together as a smile grew. He bobbed up and down only just moving his knees. His brightness was bursting. I silently tried to boost myself up to a high-excited level, even though I knew I’d never reach his. Before he handed me his spare helmet, I plaited my hair and let it fall down my back, then placed the helmet on my head. Kai double-checked to make sure it was strapped tight enough.
Kai introduced me to his bike.
“Take a seat and I’ll show you what everything does.”
I cocked my leg over and sat down. As I planted my feet on the pavement, I gently placed my palms on the handlebars. The bike felt heavy. Foreign. Unpredictable. I released my grasp and lent back slightly. My eyes trailed over the left handlebar, home to the light switch and indicators.
“Just remember you’ve got to push the button in to turn it off. It doesn’t automatically turn off like a car.” Kai said that like I would be the one in control. “And directly below the indicators, you’ve got the horn.”
My eyes followed his direction as he started to explain the right side.
“So right here, you have the kill switch, which is only used for emergency purposes but you leave it on all the time. And then you’ve got your throttle. Also, near where you rest your feet you’ve got your braking system. So the handlebar brake here on the right is just for the front wheel of the bike and the rear brake is near your feet. The handlebar brake is used most of the time, though.”
I turned to follow Kai as he stepped back to my left side.
“So here you’ve got the clutch lever. You can give that a bit of a squeeze if you want.”
I raised my hand to clasp the silver bar. It didn’t do anything because the bike wasn’t turned on. But my unsureness of this moment was starting to escalate.
The motion paused when Kai continued his explanation.
“And near your feet you have the gear shifter.” He started telling me about the number of gears and what they each did, but stopped when he noticed the terms went over my head. “Sorry, you don’t really need to know that. So that’s basically it.”
I stayed quiet.
“How do you feel?”
“All right … I guess.” I remained on the bike. Even though my cautiousness was re-sparking, I wanted to go for the ride and wasn’t going to let the voice inside my head talk me out of it. I wanted to feel something different. I wanted the adrenaline rush.
Slowly, I retouched the handlebars. They felt strong. Forceful. My fingertips lightly grazed the breaks. My hand travelled down to the smooth seat. My thoughts got lost in a familiar notion – the notion I had felt when I’d got in the car that night unsupervised. The notion I had felt just before my crash. Not caring what happened to me. Knowing that it was a risk I was taking. Putting myself on the line. Putting my body on the line and not caring if it broke, because I already felt broken.
I was ready. I wanted to ride.
I told Kai I was fine. I hopped off the bike. He cocked his leg over and found his stance. I scurried back on. I was ready for the rush. Kai told me to hold on really tight. He revved the engine. It was loud. A thunderous retort. I liked the sensation. He asked me if I was OK. I told him to start the ride before I could change my mind. I didn’t want to lose the feeling I had uncovered.
We rolled to the road then whisked away. Blood rushed through my veins. My skin tingled. It was as if I could feel the adrenaline cooking inside me. I wanted more. I needed more. I wanted to hold onto the moment for as long as I could. As we swayed through traffic and journeyed along the road, I felt unrestricted. Somehow, I felt in control. As if I was driving my feelings. From the thrill of the ride I felt like I could run away from my darkness. My secret. My past.
I was almost ready to scream for Kai to go faster – drive until we were out of this town. This place. This world. I didn’t know why I’d been so nervous. The ride made me feel alive. I was alive. That was what I wanted.
Kai didn’t speed or break any road rules. He kept to his word. As we continued, I realised that was the closest we’d actually been to one another. Sure we had hugged before and we’d kissed, but our bodies hadn’t been that close for long. I felt unsure, but I had no choice but to hold onto him. I squeezed him tight. I was scared to death but I wanted to be close to him.
My heartbeat hit his back and I wondered if he felt it too. He said he’d been working on a six-pack. I thought he’d said that to try and impress me – but I believed him now. His torso was lean. I closed my eyes and enjoyed having him close, then quickly opened them because I didn’t want to miss this fast, new way to look at the houses that appeared smudged as we passed them. The trees and bushes that morphed together blending into a deep-brown, dirty-green wall. The roads were fairly empty but the cars we passed weren’t by us for long. We whisked past them like we had superpowers. I wondered if that was the way Kai always saw the world.
The further we drove the fewer houses we passed. The only things I saw were blurry cows and wire fences that interweaved with grass that spread for ever. The crackling sound of the bike’s engine echoed down the empty gravel road we now travelled down.
We arrived at our destination. Kai switched off the engine and parked the bike. I didn’t want to come down from that high, but hopped off the bike and slipped out of my helmet to search our surroundings. Tall bare trees greeted us. The smell of damp bark and mud locked in my nose. “So what are we doing here?”
“Well Miss Swift, this is where we could’ve gone on our first date, if you hadn’t been too chicken to get on the bike. I will be honest and say I did hold slight judgement on you for not taking that risk, but now I understand why. So then, do you want to explore this forest?”
I smiled at him. “Yeah. I do … Now that we’re here, I’m even more intrigued.”
We made our way through the forest to Kai’s secret place. I knew other people went there too because food wrappers were scattered on the ground. I hadn’t been to this area in years. There are several different trails that are used more often during summer. Mum, Liam and I had walked most of them when I was younger. But exploring the outdoors was not my favourite activity.
On a dark winters day, I imagined that place being scary. The shapes of the trees and rustling sound of animals in near bushes would have caused me to question mine and Kai’s safety. But that day, the weather was lighter. Cold. But a lighter grey. The sun tousled behind thin clouds, trying to shine. The rays intertwined through the branches, creating shadows on the forest ground.
Kai had brought food and a picnic blanket and we made ourselves comfortable, like that place was our home. I kept my bag near my side. I felt like the contents were screaming at me, commanding me to reveal what was inside. If I didn’t take it out now it would burn a hole and make its own way to Kai.
“I brought you something.”
“I told you, you didn’t have to bring anything,” Kai said. “I thought we agreed I’d bring everything.”
“No, not food.”
“Oh, OK.”
I turned to my bag and took a deep breath. I shuffled through the contents and found what I was looking for then held on to it as I debated, eventually pulling out an A4 piece of paper. I turned around to face him.
“What’s this?”
“I’ve drawn something. I want to show you.”
Kai crossed his legs and sat up straight like he was a little boy about to open a birthday present. I handed the paper to him. He gazed at it, inspecting every part of it. Every line I had painted. Every mark on the page.
My first creation post-accident was a portrait of Kai. I had used watercolours – my favourite medium. I had made his blue/brown eyes the main focus under the colour markings splattered across the paper. It was the way I thought he saw the world. All colours. Every shade.
After what felt like half an hour, he smiled his cheeky smile. “Thank you.”
Thank you? That was not really the response I was looking for. Was that a thank you for drawing him? Or a thank you for showing him my work?
“What do you think? Do you like it?”
I needed to know.
“Peyton it’s incredible. You should do art more often.” He chuckled at his own joke. “Why’d you draw me?”
I didn’t really want him to ask that. Actually, I hadn’t expected him to ask that. And now he had, I had to explain. Trying to find the right words, I said; “I drew you because you’re unlike anyone I’ve ever known. The way you see the world, the colours you see it in, intrigue me. You help me see things differently. In brighter colours … I drew you like that because that’s the way I see you.”
His warm smile stroked a new colour on my pallet. A colour I didn’t need to be scared of – or prepared for. For some reason it felt natural. My heart softened. I felt OK.
“The second piece of artwork I’ve seen by the incredible Peyton Swift.”
“Second?”
“Yeah. I saw the tattoo on Liam’s arm. When I came round for dinner and you were helping your mum dish out dessert, it was just the two of us in the lounge and I asked him which one you had designed.”
“Sneaky.”
“I have my moments … I think it’s awesome by the way. How would you feel if I got one of your pieces inked on my skin? I’d prefer it to be original, a one of a kind, but whatever piece you felt was right I’d accept.”
“You’re going to get a tattoo?”
“I’m thinking about it, especially since I have my very own artist at my beck and call. If or when I got one, would it make me cuter, hotter and or sexier?”
I laughed.
“Seriously. Which one do you think I am?”
“Well because you said and slash or, I could think that you’re more than one of the above categories.”
“And in our questionnaire you answered yes to the above question, all I want to know is which one.”
“N.A.”
I smiled as I observed the nature surrounding me. After spending time with Kai, I found he wasn’t a surfer type of guy after all. Maybe the hair threw me the first time we met, but I quickly came to realise he was a rock type of guy. A rock god. My rock god. In the sanctuary of my own thoughts I was free to admit and accept that he was hot, cute and sexy. But I wasn’t going to tell him it was all three.
The air grew colder. We snuggled in the blanket and talked about travelling around the world and places we’d always wanted to go. The places we wanted to go together. We spoke about our dreams and what we had wanted to be when we were kids. Kai said he’d wanted to be an astronaut, but as he grew older he had become interested in being a paramedic. I told him I had wanted to be an artist – I still kind of did – but as I got older I turned it into a more realistic job and was fixed on being an art teacher. But now that was out of the question because I hadn’t even graduated from high school. I felt like I would vomit just thinking about school.
As the days passed since returning home from hospital and my confessions with Dr Wilson, the cruel details of that moment were becoming clearer. Sharper. Deep down I knew that I wouldn’t be able to run from those thoughts or ignore that part of my past for much longer. No matter how hard I tried.
The blanket and our bodies kept us warm. Glancing at Kai, I wondered what colours he saw that moment in. That day, for me, not everything was grey. And I was OK with that. We stared into each other’s eyes. Our faces so close to one another. He slowly leant closer then whispered. “Can I kiss you?”
We’d already kissed before so I knew how sweet it could be, but I wished that he’d just kissed me without asking. I was also glad he did ask. It proved he cared. Proved he wanted me to be comfortable.
My curiosity hurriedly took over my doubtfulness.
I nodded. Then closed my eyes just like he did and our lips touched. At first I flinched. A part of me didn’t want to continue. Kai noticed my slight restraint. For a couple of seconds he stopped. He didn’t move his face from mine. I didn’t move mine from his.
I wanted his kiss.
I closed my eyes and leant to him. He came back to me and we kissed again. I felt my darkness search for an entrance into my thoughts. But I ignored it. I wanted to feel the moment. Really feel. I wanted to see the colour it offered.
We slowly left each other’s lips and moved backwards, staring at one another. I saw the question printed on his face, ‘Did I like it?’ So many things ran through my mind, but the sweet taste of his kiss lingered and I craved more. I kissed him again and hoped that was a good enough answer. Our lips moved in lusting emotion. But he still somehow kept a gentleness, and that brought relief.
I liked his kisses. I liked the light they brought.
In that moment, I liked the colours I saw.