I skipped out on that week’s therapy session. Mum was forced to work a different shift so she couldn’t get me there. I know I could’ve asked Kai to take me, but I didn’t really want him to be a part of that portion of me. I realised it was stupid because of how much I had shared with him already. But I was more than happy to try a week without therapy. To see how I would be. I assured Mum that missing one week was going to be fine. That I was fine. Because I was. It was OK not to speak with Dr Wilson, because I had begun to open up with Kai. I had shared a part of me with him that I couldn’t with anyone else – and it wasn’t just the physical aspect. Sure, Kai didn’t know the things I had told Dr Wilson, but he knew where my secret was kept. He was giving me time to acknowledge. To think. To feel. And if I never did, that was fine. He said he didn’t care about my past.
Maybe things were better kept that way.
I wanted to spend the day with Kai, but he was working and I didn’t want to distract him at the coffee shop. We sent texts back and forth, so the colours from that would have to be enough.
Me: How’s work?
Kai: Boring cause you’re not here.
Half an hour later.
Kai: Have u been working on my tattoo art yet? Y or N.
Me: N. I didn’t think u were serious about that. Plus u haven’t even told me what u want!
Kai: Yes I am serious! I would like to have a Peyton Swift original somewhere on my body. And it’s called using your imagination. You’re the artist! I think u know me well enough to come up with something I’ll like.
Fifteen minutes later.
Kai: How’s the other art coming along?
Me: So-so.
Kai: Made it into the Art Cave?
Me: N.
A couple of hours later.
Kai: Now we’re one, connected by fate. Our colours collide; they can be seen from space. With you I am happy, at home and safe. With you I am whole, I have found my place.
Me: XOXO
Half an hour later.
Me: This whole time I’ve been trying to come up with my own poem. Wanting to impress/intrigue u and I’ve come up with nothing! I’m awful with words that’s why I draw.
Kai: Then draw me something. OXOX
I had been camped at the kitchen table, drawing. I was no longer hesitant to grab a colour and create with it – express myself with it. I had slowly run out of materials and my hands craved to use something new. To get dirty. I knew that if I wanted to keep drawing, creating, eventually I would need to get more art supplies. I would need to go into my Art Cave.
I sauntered to the door of the garage and strongly planted in front of it, like I was proving that it no longer beat me. That I could walk in there at any time.
But I didn’t go in.
The remembering had begun. The details were no longer vague. It stung. My heart dropped to my stomach then rose into my mouth. I felt like I was sinking into the floor. I wished I was. I stumbled away. Defeated.
It won again.
Instead, I watched TV. I eased myself into the black and white cinematography.
My phone beeped.
Kai: Would u like to have dinner with my family? Y or N.
Me: Y. I would love to.