An hour or two after I’d stormed out of the kitchen, Dad tapped on the bedroom door and said my name softly. Paused. Went away when I didn’t answer. A bit later I heard the faint sound of my phone pinging out in the hall. Got up and silently opened the door. My schoolbag was resting against the wall. Tom must have dropped it off, I guess, and Dad had put it there. I brought it in, shut the door again, got back into bed, put the covers back over my head. The only safe place in the world. I couldn’t face people again. Not Tom, not my parents, not Laura.
Shame. Shame. Shame.
And Toby was gone: Toby, the only one who could have helped me through this. Without him we were falling apart. Mum going one way, Dad going the other, me in the middle without a clue. Every option was siding with one of them against the other. Every option blew someone’s life away. Stay – and be ashamed every single day. Go – and end up right back where I was in Tasmania. Or try to make a new start somewhere different, all over again, without Toby. I couldn’t do it. Murwillumbah had been my new start and I’d fucked it up. No way out now.
Every time I remembered that moment on the beach my insides shrivelled. Didn’t even know how it happened. One moment I’d been crying, the next trying to kiss Tom. There was no way he could mistake it. Christ.
If Toby had been alive, I could have crept down the hallway into his room. He would have patted my face, asked me to weed it. He wouldn’t have cared how fucked up I was.
Except.
Toby should care. Because all the things they said were true. I was a fucking faggot. The moment I forgot everything and lunged for Tom’s lips was the first time I’d ever let myself go. And look what happened. As soon as I lost control, I was gay.
That wouldn’t even be so bad – I could maybe even cope with being gay – if it wasn’t for Toby. Because what did it mean about how I loved him?
Groaned again and rolled into a tighter ball. I thought loving Toby was pure. The best thing in my life. Now I didn’t even have that to hang on to. Like losing him all over again. No way through this. I couldn’t even cry.
The idea slipped into my head so easily, like it had always been there. There was a way out. Get it over with. Go and find Toby. If there was anything afterwards, then he’d be there, wouldn’t he? Maybe he’d forgive me. And if there wasn’t … well, I wouldn’t know about it anyhow.
The more I thought about it, the better the idea was. I knew Mum and Dad were pretending to be united. Without me, they could just go their own ways. They could deal with two years of court. I’d be with Toby. Laura would be sorry she’d told me to fuck off. Maybe Tom would understand I’d made a mistake and I was sorry.
Didn’t have too many options for how, but that never stopped anyone who was serious. Just needed something to put around my neck, strong enough to take my weight, and something else to tie it to, right? The old gum tree out the front had strong branches and any bit of cloth that was long enough would do.
Down the corridor, Mum and Dad were pretending to be asleep. But even if they were awake, they wouldn’t hear me. The wind that had nearly swept me off the beach and blasted me with sand was even stronger now, its roar drowning out the night.
Scrabbled around in the dark cupboard. Track pants. Grey soft cotton. Made in China, I guess. Not made to last, but they’d last for this. One leg around my neck. The other around the branch. Important thing was not to think too much about it, or I’d be too scared.
We’d all got good at creeping around the house in the night. Didn’t make a sound opening my door, getting down the stairs on the balls of my feet. Lifted the screen door slightly so it slid without a sound.
Outside, the monsters snarled and the gum tree beyond the gate thrashed in the wind and the whole night roared at me: Do it, do it, do it.
Grass underfoot. My breath coming in and out, in and out. Dark, but the streetlight down the road showed me the way. Bright stars up there. I hesitated and remembered the afternoon, and shame shoved me across the grass, shame pushed open the front gate, shame knotted a loop in the tracksuit pants and put it over my head so it settled around my neck.
Soft. Like a promise this wouldn’t hurt.
The bark had peeled off the trunk in long ribbons and crackled under my feet. Above me the trunk was smooth and white. Not warm, not cold, under my hand. Put my cheek against it for a moment, then reached up, grabbed the first branch, boosted myself. When my arms felt weak I thought again of the afternoon. The shame roared inside me. Hooked my legs over, hauled myself up and lay on the branch, trembling.
The branch swayed and I grabbed it with both hands to keep my balance. Had to do it right now. Lay down along the branch, wedged my thighs on either side, gripped it, found the other end of the tracksuit leg. It was harder to tie it on than I thought, in the dark and with the tree moving and my hands starting to shake. I couldn’t see much anyhow and stupid tears were running down my face and my nose was running. I was such a cry-baby.
Toby?
I wanted to be with him so bad, even if I was all fucked up. Maybe it wouldn’t matter there. All I had to do was get the knot tight, push myself off the branch and we’d be together. Where the monsters were roaring and we would be kings.