The First Six Weeks of Recovery
Welcome to the first 6 weeks of Baby Boot Camp: a process of being broken down to be rebuilt again, and a blur of trying to nurse and tending to your aching perineum or c-section incision while not getting more than 4 hours of solid sleep at a time (if you’re lucky). The 6-week postpartum mark is a milestone: Any stitches you had should be healed, and you’ll probably be given the go-ahead to resume driving, sex, and exercise.
In the meantime, those first few weeks are one intense culture shock. After all, you got exactly 48 hours (72, if you had a c-section) to get in step with being a mom before being sent home to assume total responsibility for your new family member. Your relationships, especially with your husband, will go through a period of intense adjustment as well.
Physically, your body will be slowly shrinking back toward its pre-pregnancy size. Mentally, the combination of hormones, sleep deprivation, and a total shift of lifestyle means you may have to relearn practically everything. The procedures for what were once simple tasks, like getting a drink of water or going to the bathroom, now pose new problems.
The 10 things you need the most:
1. Someone to do chores. Do NOT attempt to manage your baby’s first months on your own! We can’t stress this enough. You’re going to need help after you bring the baby home—not visitors who come over to gossip or coo at the baby, but people who will make you food, do your dishes, wash clothes, and take care of other household chores so you and the baby can rest.
We’ve noticed that new moms tend to be very particular when it comes to cleanliness. You may have had an inch of mold in your shower in college but now find yourself bursting into tears at the sight of a sink full of dirty dishes.
Mess-sensitivity seems to be just one of those postpartum hormonal effects. Consider hiring someone to come in once a week and tackle the bigger chores like sweeping, mopping, and scrubbing the bathroom. Cleaning ladies aren’t cheap, but they do charge a lot less than therapists or marriage counselors.
2. A nap. Expect to feel tired almost all the time during your first 6 weeks after giving birth. If you can, sleep when the baby does, even if it means tricking your body by putting on your pajamas, pulling down the shades, and unplugging the telephone in the middle of the day.
3. Food. You’ll be in no state to cook, and being sleepless and tending to the baby may even mean you forget to eat sometimes. In many cultures, tradition dictates that new moms be brought warm, rich foods to aid their recovery, whether it’s a casserole, a big pot of goat stew, or a tureen of Korean brown-seaweed soup. We hope your family and friends adhere to some sort of similar tradition with food that appeals to you. If you do manage to cook a meal, try to make extra so you can freeze what’s left over for another serving or two later.
4. A car seat. You can’t leave the hospital without one. Plus, every state has a law requiring it. That means you could be stopped and ticketed for holding your baby in your arms instead of safely restraining him in a seat. The seat you choose for your newborn should be carefully installed in the backseat of your car, facing the rear window shelf and strapped down so securely, it can’t be budged. Follow the directions that come with the seat and those in your car owner’s manual. (For more about carseat installation, see in 4. Gear Guide.)
5. A hands-free baby carrier. During the first months, your baby is going to want constant physical contact with you, and he may scream if you put him down even just to go to the bathroom or make a sandwich. A padded fabric baby carrier that fastens onto your chest and has cushioned straps for your shoulders is a great way to hold the baby and have use of your hands at the same time.
6. Very-maxi-pads. You may be surprised by the number of pads you go through over the next few weeks. Plan on at least half a dozen boxes to start with. (Until your big postpregnancy period is over, report to your health-care provider if you’re passing clots the size of silver dollars with lots of fresh blood, or changing pads more than once an hour beyond the first couple of days after giving birth.)
7. Diapers. Expect your baby to go through about 8 to 10 a day during the early months. To start with, stock up with about 4 dozen disposable in the newborn size, or 3 to 4 dozen fabric diapers and 4 to 5 diaper covers if you’re going the reusable route.
A To-Do Checklist for Postpartum Volunteers
If you’re lucky enough to have friends or family nearby who are willing to help, consider drawing up a list of chores that you need help with. Here are some ideas to get you started:
• Make meals.
• Do the dishes and clean the kitchen.
• Take care of other children.
• Wash clothes.
• Go to the store for groceries and supplies.
• Care for our pets.
• Answer the telephone and open the mail.
With disposables, as soon as your baby graduates from the newborn size, experiment with different brands of diapers to find the ones with the best absorbency and fit, then buy them by the caseload from discount membership warehouses like SAM’S CLUB® or Costco, but keep in mind that your baby will be growing rapidly.
8. Breastfeeding help. It’s not as easy as it seems like it should be—in fact, the first few weeks can be painful and discouraging. How you position the baby is really important. If you have problems, it’s important to call for help. Almost every city has trained La Leche League leaders who offer their advice for free, and most hospitals have a lactation consultant on staff who can give you advice over the phone. Some lactation consultants, postpartum doulas, and midwives also make house calls, which can be a lifesaver. (For more on breastfeeding, see in 3. Your Baby Maintenance Guide.)
9. Help with pain management. Don’t be shy about taking pain medications and stool softeners to help you get through these postpartum days. Just make sure that your health-care provider approves them, and that you follow dosing instructions carefully. If you’ve chosen to breastfeed, make sure any drug is approved for breastfeeding use. (For more on breastfeeding and medications, see in 3. Your Baby Maintenance Guide.) If constipation is making bathroom trips unbearable, your stitches are sore or oozy, or you’ve got an intense headache or other pain, report your symptoms to your health-care provider.
Tip
New moms are fair prey for all kinds of unsolicited advice about how babies should be treated (bottle fed/breastfed; left to cry/never left to cry; baby in crib/baby in mom’s bed; circumcised/left intact). Use your own common sense and do what feels right to you, regardless of others’ opinions. If your baby is eating, breathing, and wetting diapers, you’re doing a perfect job.
10. The chance to take a shower in peace. It doesn’t take long to get crusty and grungy. Warm water can help relieve your aching shoulders and back; being clean will help you to start feeling like your old self again. Getting somebody else to volunteer to tend to the baby for (at least) an hour every morning so you can wash, put on “real” clothes, and have something to eat is one of the best ways for dads or other helpers to be supportive.
Dealing with annoying visitors
Your and your baby’s well-being should be the number-one priority during the early days following birth, so it’s important that someone take the responsibility of laying down the ground rules for relatives and other curiosity seekers who turn up at the door.
Unfortunately, there’s something about a newborn that can cause some people to forget their good manners. It’s hard to turn visitors away when all you really need to do is to nestle in with your baby and sleep. But if you don’t take control of your visitor situation, you may end up having to attend to them while gnashing your teeth as they pass your baby around like a football.
Your Recovery After a Cesarean Section
If you’ve had a c-section, you’ve just undergone major abdominal surgery. While the procedure may have left you with the cute-sounding bikini cut, it may be a while before you’re ready for the beach.
Severe abdominal pain, throbbing pain between your shoulder blades, and stiffness in your lower back, hips, and legs are common. Little things you used to take for granted, like being able to sit up, stand, and walk may now feel nearly impossible.
If your staples haven’t already been removed, your doctor or midwife will gently remove them within one week, usually in his or her office.
The procedure is virtually painless—you may just feel a mild tugging sensation—and takes less than five minutes. During the healing process, your skin may have swollen around the staples. If this occurs, the removal will feel like a pinch followed by mild stinging sensations, but there’s usually no bleeding.
Six Rules for Baby Visitors
Here are some tips for visitors. Although you probably don’t want to leave the book open to this page, having Dad tactfully manage the hows and whens of visiting can be a real boon.
• Make it short. Simply breeze in and out, and don’t insist on long conversations. Let the parents make any offer to hold the baby.
• Nix the baby gift. Instead, bring food, whether a homemade casserole, a fruit-and-cheese basket, or a generous take-out order. That’s what new parents need. (It doesn’t hurt to ask them what they’d like.)
• Offer to help out. Offer to help with the laundry, do the vacuuming, wash the load of dirty dishes in the sink, or run errands.
• Call first. Don’t ever arrive at a newborn’s house unannounced. You may find the mom in a state of total disarray or nursing the baby and upset that her privacy has been violated.
• Don’t expect to be entertained. This is not the time to stand around conversing with others, laughing loudly, and waiting to be fed. Mom and Dad are exhausted, in a state of shock, and trying to get their bearings. Don’t impose on their time.
• Refrain from giving advice or going down “memory lane.” This is not the time to lecture parents about how to feed, burp, soothe, or diaper the baby. Nor is it the time to bring out your “I remember when you were a baby” stories. Save your advice and memories for later, when everyone’s feeling better.
Recovery from a cesarean section can be slow and progressive. The area where your c-section incision occurred can be very painful, especially if you try to sit up or hold your baby.
At first you won’t be able to lift your baby without help or bend over to change your pads, and you’ll have difficulty getting out of bed by yourself. After about 10 days, you’ll feel much better, and you can expect to be fully recovered in a few months.
You may temporarily experience intense itching around your c-section scar, and some women also experience numbness around the incision area. It will feel like touching your mouth after it’s been numbed with novocaine, and it may take a few months for sensation to return to normal.
While you’re in the hospital, there will be nurses, doctors, and aides at your fingertips to attend to you and your baby. All meals are prepared for you. And, if you wish, you can send your fussy baby to the nursery, catch up on your television watching, read magazines, or sleep uninterrupted for hours. There’s even someone to wash your bum if you can’t manage. So live it up, because on the third or fourth day, you and your precious little bundle of joy will be discharged.
“If you are feeling like you have been gutted like a fish, boxed 12 rounds with Laila Ali, or worse, you are on the road to recovering from your c-section. The best part is that every day you will feel 100 percent better than the day before!”
Once you arrive home and during the days that follow is the time when mommy meltdown and the baby blues can really kick in. You may feel overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated, and lonely. Positive feelings of love for your new baby may erode into fear or self-doubt. Don’t sit at home and be depressed. Call a friend or your doctor or midwife.
Fifteen tips for getting over a c-section
Here are some practical tips for making it through the early weeks as you recover from your c-section:
1. Be super gentle. If your staples weren’t removed prior to leaving the hospital, be kind to yourself during your first few days at home. Pass on the yoga, Pilates, or deep meditative stretching for now, and simply comply with what your body seems to be asking for.
2. Try not to laugh. Laughing, coughing, sneezing, rolling over, sitting up, and even walking will be very painful for the first few days to one week after the surgery.
3. Use pillows. Try applying gentle pressure to your abdomen with a pillow to help ease some of the pain.
4. Manage the pain. For the first two weeks, take your medication as prescribed, and don’t wait until the pain is unbearable to deal with it. It’s no fun trying to nurse or care for your new baby when your insides feel like they’ve just hit the floor.
5. Take baby steps. By your second day of recovery, a nurse or aide will have you walking the halls. Each day you will be expected to perform some movement. When you get back home, limit your movement to only the necessities: going to the bathroom, or feeding yourself and the baby. After that, taking walks, even short ones, can help relieve aching, stiffness, and the painful passing of gas after your surgery. Just avoid stair climbing until your stitches have healed.
6. Roll and push to get up. To put less pressure on your incision when sitting up, roll onto your side near the edge of the bed, place one leg at a time off the edge of the bed, push yourself up using the strength of your arms, then place your feet on the floor. Sit for a few minutes before try ing to stand.
7. Feed on the side. If you’re breastfeeding, it will be more comfortable for you to feed the baby while lying on your side. Make sure the baby’s bassinet or crib is within arm’s reach for easy access. If you’re bottle feeding, keep water and bottles with premeasured formula on your nightstand.
8. Set aside your own time. Have your partner hold the baby while you take a mommy moment— alone! If you can drive, visit mothers from your childbirth class. Consider joining a “Mommy and Me” group. It’s really helpful and comforting to talk with other new moms and to know you aren’t in it alone.
9. Pass that gas. Gas pains can be as or more painful than contractions. You may even feel them in your back and chest! The first few meals home, avoid gas-producing foods like beans, cabbage, and broccoli.
10. Be patient with BMs. Be forewarned that for several weeks you won’t be as “regular” as you were before surgery, and constipation is common. While you’re still in the hospital, you can request an enema or suppositories. Otherwise, your first bowel movement after surgery may not happen until you are home. Don’t worry, it will happen, and you’ll feel a great sense of relief. The same stool softeners you took in the hospital can be purchased over the counter.
11. Stay connected. The best part about recovery is that you get to relax in bed at home with your baby. And the worst part about recovery is that you are at home in bed with your baby. Sometime around the end of the second week or the beginning of the third, all of your visitors will have disappeared, your husband or partner will have gone back to work, and you may find yourself alone. That’s when to call your friends and family and ask for help.
12. Soothe the itches. A week or so after your staples have been removed, your incision may become very itchy. This is especially true if you developed the “donelap” (when your belly “done” lapped over your belt) during pregnancy. The excess skin may cause mild to severe itching. Tucks®, witch hazel pads, and/or MEDERMA®, cream can help provide relief from itching around your c-section scar and may also help to minimize the appearance of the scar.
“I was given a brand of painkiller for pain after my first c-section. I hated it! It made me scratch my nose off my face. After my second c-section, I asked NOT to have it again, but they did, anyway. I itched like there was no tomorrow, and nothing would take it away.”
13. Clean up. Your doctor or nurse will inform you when it’s safe to take a shower. Until then, it’s sponge, sink, and sitz baths. By the time you are able to shower, it will come as a welcome relief and will feel oh so good! You will be restricted to showers for a few weeks until you have completely stopped bleeding. Only after the risk of infection has passed will you be allowed to take a nice hot soak in the tub.
14. Be kind to your feet. You can consider yourself lucky if you managed to get through your entire pregnancy without any swelling of the legs or ankles. It’s more common to discover you have “cankles” (where your calves and ankles merge to become one). Those cute sandals you bought to wear home from the hospital may not fit. The fluid may take as long as three weeks to work its way out of your system. So be prepared to sport wide shoes and/or flip-flops until the swelling subsides.
15. Ease up. Take each day as it comes. Physically and emotionally, you have been through a lot. Don’t beat yourself up if things didn’t go according to plan. You may have wanted to deliver vaginally but had to have a c-section. That’s all right. Relax and let go; you are going to need all your energy to care for yourself and your baby.
The Psychological Side of Motherhood
Mothers of newborns tend to live in what we call New Baby Fog—a state of being never totally awake or asleep. Time seems to slow down to a crawl.
When moms of two-or three-year-olds say, “Enjoy babyhood, it goes by so fast!” you have no idea what they’re talking about. After all, when you wake up every three hours to feed and comfort a baby, your day doesn’t end at bedtime anymore but is 24 hours long, with no such thing as a weekend, much less a guaranteed, uninterrupted bathroom break. Time can seem to crawl even more if you’re caring for the baby without solid, practical support from family or friends.
Compounding the “molasses effect” of the Fog is the fact that getting anything done with baby takes about five times longer than usual. Time has a whole new meaning when you have a baby. If you’re not convinced, do the math: In every 24-hour period, your baby needs to eat 8 to 12 times, with each feeding lasting about 20 to 40 minutes.
The baby’s diapers and clothes need to be changed every time there’s a diaper leak or spit-up. Then there’s rocking or soothing the baby to sleep, a process that can take 20 minutes or more. (For more on baby sleep patterns and other practical baby-care info, see of 3. Your Baby Maintenance Guide.)
As you start to recover and are able to go farther than a block with the baby, it seems like every trip longer than 5 minutes takes a half hour to prepare for: loading up the car, checking the stroller, and filling the diaper bag with necessities like diapers, wipes, a changing pad, extra clothes, and pacifiers.
A trip for a quart of milk can take up a fourth of your day! It helps to pack your baby’s diaper bag the night before (except for premixed formula), and be sure to have plenty of diapers on hand while you’re out, at least 3 to 4 clean ones to make sure you get through.
“You aren’t crazy if you find yourself sitting in a rocking chair at three in the morning crying your heart out while your baby sucks away.”
It’s critical that everyone in the family bears their part of the burden of caring for your baby and getting the chores done, and not just you, the mom. In fact, one of the most contentious issues that new parents face is resentment when one person bears more of the brunt of baby responsibilities than the other. The future of your relationship as a couple may hinge on how you succeed in divvying chores up.
It may seem like your obstetrician (who may have never stayed home with a baby), your partner, and your employer have come up with the magic time frame of “6 weeks,” or the period after which everything’s supposed to be normal again for moms. The truth is, recovery from childbirth takes a lot longer than 6 weeks, and there’s no such thing as “normal” with a new baby in the house. By 6 weeks, you and your baby may just be beginning to get out.
After the baby’s born, you may not feel like “yourself.” This is not just because of the huge lifestyle change of parenthood; it is also because of the massive hormonal adjustments your body makes as your system goes back to its pre-pregnancy state. And if you lost a lot of blood, you’ll really feel the drain.
As many as 80 percent of moms experience what’s called the baby blues. But don’t be fooled by the cute name: It means anything from a few days to 2 weeks of sadness, anxiety, panic attacks, crippling feelings of guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, and moodiness. The hormonal effects usually peak at about 2 weeks after giving birth, which unfortunately may be just when your spouse or support people are going back to business as usual.
First Steps for Fighting the “Blues”
Here are some times to help you come with the blues:
• Lie in bed with your baby.
• Breastfeed.
• Drink lots of water.
• Eat.
• Sleep.
• Use the bathroom, cleanse your perineum, and change your pad.
• Bathe according to your care provider’s instructions.
• Repeat.
The symptoms of postpartum depression are the same as the temporary hormonal storm of the baby blues; it’s just that the symptoms don’t go away in 2 weeks, they linger. Talk to your doctor or midwife about locating a family therapist or psychiatrist specializing in postpartum depression. (See Professionals You May Encounter on in this chapter.)
Five blues busters
1. Get other people to help out. You will need practical help for at least a few weeks after an uncomplicated delivery, and even longer if you’ve had a c-section. Human support can make a huge difference with your physical recovery, but will also help prevent depression and positively affect how you interact with your baby. Marshal all the household help you can while you and your baby simply rest, bond, and rebound. If your partner must return to work, consider calling on family members or hiring someone to come in every day.
2. Don’t be self-critical. If the baby’s alive, you’re doing your job. Feeling sad or resentful of the baby and being glad to get a break sometimes does not make you a bad mother, and having someone else care for the baby while you take time for yourself won’t scar your baby for life.
3. Get out of the house. Sitting outside with the baby or taking a walk and getting sunshine and fresh air will make both of you relax and feel a lot better.
4. Find other moms. Other moms come in all styles, and being a mom suddenly means you have something in common with 2.5 billion women around the world. Join a local playgroup or local parent’s support group—you’ll get a break, drink some coffee, and meet your local soldiers on the front lines of humanity. (See Where to Connect with Other Moms on in this chapter.)
The Internet can also be a great parenting resource. The advantage of connecting with parents on the Web is that sites are accessible 24 hours a day, and they can put you in touch with a huge array of special-interest groups. The disadvantage is you’re sending your messages out into cyberspace and not to a “real” person who could be there for you in an emergency or come over, hug you, and hold the baby.
Tip
Try placing an ad at a local college to hire a student part-time, or contact an agency specializing in domestic placements. Most cities have trained postpartum doulas who are skilled in helping new moms. They usually list their services with hospitals and on city Internet directories. For advice about sore nipples and breastfeeding problems, contact a local La Leche League leader (usually the League is listed in the white pages or on www.lalecheleague.org), or temporarily hire a lactation consultant.
5.Write down what happened at your baby’s birth, especially if the birth was complicated. You may have had some upsetting experiences, wonder if doctors or nurses made mistakes, or have other regrets or unanswered questions. You may not feel like reliving the story for some time, but it’s important both to make sure your medical records are complete and to make peace with your birth experience.
PROFESSIONALS YOU MAY ENCOUNTER
During the first 6 weeks there are a variety of professionals available to help you out. Here’s a list:
Pediatrician
This is a physician with special training in the medical needs of babies and children through adolescence. The best pediatricians are board certified and have the letters FAAP after their names, which means they are Fellows of the American Academy of Pediatrics.
How to find someone: Ask the nurses in the baby nursery or neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), your friends with babies and children, or the person who taught your childbirth education class for recommendations. The person may need to be approved by your health insurance company as a provider, and a pre-interview could be useful. (See Questions to Ask a Potential Caregiver on in this chapter.)
Having a medical expert who specializes in baby care can be reassuring, especially if your child has special problems. Some pediatric practices also provide the services of a lactation consultant (see below). Most pediatricians are adept at answering everyday baby-care questions and offering parents reassurance and emotional support. Some respond to e-mails.
Pediatricians may charge higher fees than family practitioners. They may be in short supply in your community, and that could translate into their carrying large patient loads; turning down new patients; long waits at the office for appointments; and inefficiency when it comes to returning calls.
Costs: Hopefully, you have a health insurance policy that will cover most of the costs of well-baby and sick-baby care during your first year. Routine office visits, exams, and immunizations can cost more than $100 each time. (Most states have Medicaid provisions for baby medical care to provide for families with limited incomes.)
Lactation consultant
This is a professional with extensive training in breastfeeding. The best consultants carry the credentials IBCLC after their names, which stands for International Board Certified Lactation Consultant.
How to find someone: Your health-care provider may have a consultant on staff who provides services either in the hospital or at home, or you can locate the names of consultants through La Leche League groups. The International Board of Lactation Consultant Examiners (www.iblce.org) maintains a national directory of certified consultants.
Breastfeeding can give your baby a huge health boost and can also be immensely rewarding in the long term. It’s a skill, and getting help and the necessary intervention early on can make a huge difference for both you and your baby.
Using a lactation consultant’s professional services can be expensive, and you may be able to get similar, well-informed help for free from an experienced, local La Leche League leader.
Costs: Professional charges are usually by the hour and can range from $50 to $80 per hour, with about two hours for each visit. Most breastfeeding challenges can be resolved with one or two visits. Although most health insurance companies won’t initially pay for these services, they may be more willing to do so if your doctor prescribes them or writes a letter recommending them. Some consultants will provide you with an insurance code or forms to help you in processing your insurance claim.
Postpartum doula
The word doula comes from the Greek word meaning “trusted servant” or “woman’s servant.” While most doulas have special training for supporting women during birth, there are also doulas who specialize in helping moms postpartum. (Ask about her credentials, experience, and training.) A doula is usually a caring mom herself, so she will be an expert in baby handling and on breastfeeding. She may be willing to pitch in with light household chores or meal preparation. Doula services are usually temporary.
How to find someone: Ask local childbirth educators for a referral, or try Internet locators for national organizations that train and certify doulas, such as Doulas of North America (www.dona.org), the International Childbirth Education Association (www.icea.org), and Birth Works (www.birthworks.net).
Having a supportive, well-informed doula dedicated solely to supporting you and your baby can be very reassuring and pave the way for successful breastfeeding and emotional bonding with your newborn.
Your postpartum doula may only be available for certain hours during the day due to her other clients and her own family responsibilities. (You’ll just wish you could afford to have her stay around forever.)
Cost: Depends upon the going rates where you live. Fees can be anywhere from $200 to $1,000 per week for part-time services.
Mental health counselor
This may be a licensed social worker, counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Whether you’re suffering from the baby blues, more prolonged and deeper postpartum depression (PPD), or having a baby has brought up emotional issues or marital conflicts, a trained mental-health professional can be a powerful tool for talking out your concerns and finding solutions. A psychiatrist can also prescribe medications that can help you recover your balance. Each profession has its own credentialing process, and it’s important to choose professionals who are both licensed and experienced in dealing with postpartum issues.
How to find someone: Ask your physician or the chaplain at the hospital where your baby was born; they may maintain lists of therapists. Friends who have sought counseling in the past may also be willing to recommend individuals. Most communities have agencies that specialize in offering counseling services to families. Check with your local information and referral services or the United Way to find them. If your faith plays a central part in your life, then your pastor, priest, or rabbi may be able to help you find a counselor whose value system meshes with yours. The counselor you choose should have ample experience in working with postpartum issues.
You will have a neutral party outside of your family and friends whom you’ve hired specifically to help you, and you need not worry about your deepest secrets being shared with anyone else. The fact that you have an appointment to address your own emotional needs can be very reassuring, and the sessions can be strengthening and clarifying.
In the first year after birth, both moms and dads undergo major changes in their self-images and have their abilities to cope truly tested. What may loom as a major emotional crisis this week could well resolve itself and blow over a few weeks down the road. Some methods of counseling may prolong your dependency on your counselor, rather than help you to make the necessary changes to solve your problem so you can move on.
Cost: Hourly rates vary between individuals, professions, and agencies, with the services of a psychiatrist (a trained physician) being the highest-priced. Don’t be hesitant to inquire about a counselor’s fee when you call to set up an appointment, and check your health insurance benefits to see if counseling is paid for under your plan. Most communities have mental-health agencies that offer low-cost counseling services with fees adjusted on a sliding scale according to your income.
Managing Relationships After Birth
Dads are important!
It used to be believed that babies exclusively bonded with their moms, but newer research is proving differently. Studies show that babies attach to both of their parents and can clearly pick out their moms and dads over strangers, even if one or the other is away for most of the day.
Fathers who are present at their babies’ births often say that they felt an instantaneous connection with their babies—something they’ll never forget. And these involved dads later report feeling more confident about their relationships with their babies.
If given the opportunity, dads explore their newborns’ bodies in the same way that moms do—they start with their fingers and then their palms; then, they proceed to touch their babies’ arms, legs, and finally their trunks. Dads also slow down and speak in a higher pitch to their babies, just as moms do, and use shorter phrases, repeating words to maximize their babies’ understanding.
Videos of fathers interacting with their babies show that dads give the same playful responses to baby movement as moms do, and they’re equally as sensitive to their babies’ cries. Dads do tend to be more physical and playful with babies than moms, and there’s nothing wrong with that—the contrast of handling styles between two people will help develop babies’ large muscle and motor skills.
When under stress, babies appear to connect more with their mothers, but when life’s calm, they seem to be equally as happy to engage with their dads. In experiments that monitored how babies reacted to their moms and dads versus how they responded to strangers, babies clearly showed they responded to both parents and reacted differently to them than to strangers.
Parenting and romance: a contradiction in terms
It’s no secret: Learning to parent is tough on couples. One study of 1,400 couples found that almost 70 percent of new parents reported a decrease in marital happiness.
What’s going on?
While work roles for women have shifted dramatically in the late twentieth century, family roles have not. In the majority of American homes, the brunt of work inside the home and care of children still falls to women, even if both parents work outside the home and even if mom earns more than dad. The contrast between the balance of power and division of labor that a couple had before a baby and the one they find themselves in after the baby’s born can be very, very different.
Adding to the stress is the fact that families are smaller and more isolated than ever, and more concentrated in cities and suburbs. While for most of human history there were usually plenty of family members around to pass the baby to while mom went out to hunt for lunch or take a shift at the factory. But these days, somehow, moms are now expected to work outside the home, attend to all of the chores inside the home, and care for a baby, without grandma, a teenaged cousin, or an affordable, safe care center nearby to pitch in, and possibly no one to talk to. Is it any wonder that new moms can feel overwhelmed and isolated?
When it comes to working moms, while every other Western country has an explicit family policy, the United States just doesn’t. There are no resources to help parents deal with the tremendous psychological and practical challenges of parenting young children.
This hasn’t always been the case: During World War II, the Maritime Commission partnered with manufacturers and set up 24-hour neighborhood care centers, complete with nurses and kitchens that would send moms home with a hot-cooked meal after a long day riveting! But the vast majorities of companies today don’t feel at all obligated to accommodate moms: Parenting is seen as an inconvenient hobby, detracting from the corporate bottom line. So the conflict and stress of trying to figure out the whole work/life dilemma, attempting to please job, spouse, and baby, can be an emotional land mine.
Meanwhile, your husband may be feeling that he needs to focus on his career now more than ever and, for the sake of the family, be seen as a serious and valuable employee. Taking time off work to help you and the baby or going part-time could endanger his status at work. But it’s easy (and probably natural) to be resentful that while you have the toughest burden, he’s out conquering the world, possibly excited by his protector-provider role, getting congratulations from colleagues, and getting a paycheck to show for it.
The couples who can make it through this stormy and extremely challenging time are the ones who can make the shift from “your problems” and “my problems” to “our problems,” and who can communicate about the emotional changes and feel heard. You will need to take extra care of your relationship during this volatile time.
A dozen coping tips from successful couples
Here are some good ways to keep your relationship with your spouse or partner running smoothly:
1. Respect parenting-style differences. Moms and dads don’t always have the same style when it comes to relating to babies or solving problems. In general, dads tend to be more playful and provide more physical and social stimulation to their babies than moms, while mothers tend to be more rhythmic and soothing in their baby interactions. Dads are more likely to try to solve problems by taking quick actions, while moms usually like to talk a lot about problems and to view all aspects of them before slowly coming to a decision. Typically, men like to give advice, and women are more likely to want just to be heard, instead of being told what to do. Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
“My husband had trouble adjusting to the idea that I was now a mother, and not just a lover. He felt jealous of this little person who took all of my time, but also stole my heart.”
2. Acknowledge the stress. Remind yourself that you’re in a demanding, high-stress situation. Before you attack your husband, try to figure out what percentage of your rage is really his socks on the floor, and how much of it is exhaustion, the pressure of being isolated, and feeling that mothering as a job is so undervalued by the world at large. Then remind yourself that women live 7 years longer than men.
FLASH FACT: Working Moms
In 1960, 18 percent of mothers with children under six worked at least part-time outside the home. Today, about 65 percent of mothers of one-year-olds work outside the home.
3. Schedule time alone if you possibly can. Ask your baby’s grandparents to babysit for a weekend so you and your husband can become reacquainted. Make one night a week “date night,” and don’t miss it. Marriage counselors have discovered that the secret to reuniting couples lies not in fingering who’s wrong about what, but in rediscovering the attraction that brought the couple together in the first place.
4. Seize the moment(s). Long romantic evenings may have turned into 20-second glances over a rare quiet second at the dinner table. A romantic dinner for two may have to be scrapped for a few minutes of staring at the moon between baby-soothing hours. Lovemaking on the bed may have to be relocated to the laundry room or living room couch if the baby’s asleep in your bed.
5. Deal with conflict. Every couple has conflicts—it’s how you handle the disagreement that counts. Conflicts need to be handled quickly before they have a chance to fester, and both persons need to feel heard and respected for a conflict to be worked out productively.
6. Fight fair. It’s important to have ground rules for arguments. Some couples vow to never go to sleep mad, while others agree that they’ll only deal with conflicts after sleeping on them. Both strategies work equally well; the important thing is to have a strategy. Other good rules you may want to adopt: no fighting in front of the children, no name-calling, no dredging up past arguments or using terms like “you always,” or “you never.” And, of course, no hitting or throwing things.
7. Be polite. It sounds so simple, but a “please” or “thank you” can go a long way. And sometimes when you’re wiped out and stressed, manners are all you’ve got left!
8. Acknowledge gestures. If it seems like your husband doesn’t care or isn’t there for you, take a step back and think about what he does do. Takes out the trash? Shovels snow? Replaces the toilet paper roll when it gets to the last square? Not all romantic gestures have to involve flowers or candy.
9. Wait to try to resolve big issues until you’re calm, fed, rested, and sober. And don’t make a big production number when a “please do the dishes” will do.
10. Take the risks of honesty. It’s better to say out loud, “I’d like to snuggle, but I really don’t feel like sex and I don’t want you to get the wrong idea,” than it is to avoid him.
11. Keep your promises. If you say you’re going to be home from work at 6:00 p.m., then get home at 6:00 p.m. If you say you’re only going out for an hour, then return in an hour. Expecting to have a break from baby care only to be left waiting can be torturous to the partner who’s expecting a break.
12. Don’t hesitate to seek help. Having extra wisdom and help from a neutral outsider may make the difference between staying happily married and being miserable or divorced. Help from a marital therapist, priest, rabbi, or social worker can help you both get through this incredibly difficult period and can lay the groundwork for a solid future with your mate. The time, effort, and expense of getting help are minimal when you consider the importance of what’s at stake, not only for the two of you, but also for your baby.
It’s safe to have sex after your stitches are healed, but you may find that a number of factors conspire to thwart your love life during baby’s first year. One online survey of sex life after birth conducted by FitPregnancy magazine found that out of 145 new moms, half felt that first-time sex was fantastic or enjoyable, while the other half found it uncomfortable or painful.
It’s not just in your head: Having a baby in the house causes hormonal shifts that may decrease desire in both you and your husband. Physically, during breastfeeding, estrogen levels decrease, which may not only dampen your desire but can also cause your vaginal walls to thin and be less lubricated and more sensitive than normal. Also, especially if your husband witnessed the birth and has to get used to thinking of your breasts as a dairy bar, it may take him a while to think of your body as a sexual wonderland again.
Also, it may take a while for your vagina to return to normal after giving birth. Some studies suggest that as many as one out of two women experience some discomfort when they begin having sex again. This is especially true if you experienced tearing or had stitches, both of which take longer to heal than usual.
And gaining 20-something pounds can also have a psychological effect in our weight-conscious society. Yes, 25-year-old professional dancers and celebrities with trainers can spring back in no time, but the odds are against you being one of them. (For postpartum nutrition and fitness tips, see in this chapter.)
“We discovered we needed to actually schedule time to be together and to take those “appointments” as seriously as a meeting with some influential and important client. Each Sunday we ink our date for the coming week for our baby-free time just to hang out with each other and reconnect as friends and lovers.”
Co-sleeping and sex
Co-sleeping can be a wonderful experience for both parents and children . . . to a point. The good news is that you and your child will get lots of warm, wonderful cuddling time together. The bad news is that it’s almost impossible to get any adult bedtime privacy. (For more discussion about co-sleeping pros and cons, see in 3. Your Baby Maintenance Guide.) If you’re co-sleeping with your baby, here are some alternatives for making an intimate connection with each other:
Tip
To relieve the pressure of rekindling sex, talk with your husband about intimacy being more than reaching “a goal,” and express your need for hugs with no strings attached. You’ll feel better knowing that you’re being hugged for who you are, and not because your partner has an ulterior motive.
• Get help. Take up your in-laws’ offer to babysit for a Saturday night so you can get reacquainted.
• Know it isn’t terminal. Your baby will be developmentally ready to sleep through the night in his own crib as his stomach matures.
• Use baby’s naps. You’ll have more energy during daytime snoozes instead of waiting until midnight.
• Be creative. Try being intimate in other places at home besides the family bed.
THE FLIPSIDE: SINGLE PARENTING
About 35 percent of children born in the United States are born to single mothers, and 16 percent of single parents are dads. So if you’re unmarried, your situation is not as uncommon as you might think.
As a single parent, you will have more complicated practical concerns to work out during your baby’s first year, starting from the day the baby’s born: Will you put the father’s name on the birth certificate? Should you make a claim for child support? Do you need to establish custodial rights?
Coping with joint custody
Your baby needs a secure sense of having a caregiver who is there and will be present for him; someone to whom he can attach and feel at home with. But, sometimes in separations and divorce, it’s challenging to know how to maintain a strong primary relationship with a baby’s main caregiver—which is in the baby’s best interest—and at the same time provide time together between the non-custodial parent and the baby.
If you and your partner live near each other, and you’re both good parents, then the best strategy is to keep both of your relationships with your child as similar as you can to while you were still together. In an ideal world, it would be best for both parents to see the baby every day, but that’s not always possible. In the real world, babies end up spending most of their time with their primary caregiver (usually mom) and very little time with the other parent who isn’t carrying the full responsibility for the baby’s day-to-day life.
When that happens, it’s hard to know what to do about separating the baby from his main attachment figure for long spans, such as overnights and weekends. You may want to meet the not-at-home parent’s need to feel involved in his or her baby’s life, but separation from you for long periods can be distressing for the baby. If breastfeeding is involved, separating a baby from his mother can not only be extremely distressing emotionally, it can actually cause the mom physical pain and lead to early weaning, which will mean that the baby loses out on the numerous health benefits of human milk.
If you’re the non-custodial parent, it may be tempting to plan a weeklong vacation with your baby, or to want to keep the baby on weekends for your own convenience. However, that kind of separation from a baby’s primary caregiver may be very emotionally distressing to the baby.
What’s best for the baby will ultimately be the best for the two of you, too. And taking control together to work out creatively how shared custody will work in relation to the needs of the baby is a far better solution than asking an impartial judge to decide what’s needed in your unique case.
Babies need mothers. Babies need fathers. But, babies also need a predictable reality in which they feel secure.
“My sexuality is closely connected to how I’m feeling on any given day about myself and life in general. When I’m down on myself, I feel too self-conscious to want intimacy. I have to keep reminding myself that my husband isn’t concerned about my big butt—that’s why he’s my husband.”
Here are our suggestions for separate parents who want to co-parent successfully during that first year of a baby’s life:
• Maintain steady routines. If possible, try to blend visitation into the everyday life of the baby. Arrange a predictable schedule of visits throughout the week, preferably during the daytime, instead of expecting the baby to adapt to long separations from one parent or the stress of overnight visits in an unfamiliar setting.
• Be sensitive to your baby’s personality. Some babies are highly sociable and adaptable, other babies are completely unnerved by change. If your baby falls into the “highly sensitive” category, then it may be you who has to adjust to your baby’s need for protection and balance rather than your baby.
• Be attuned to developmental stages. While a teenager may have no problem spending weeks or even months away from his or her primary custodial parent, short, frequent visits are best for infants.
• Schedule in transition time. Rather than racing in, grabbing the baby, and leaving, practice building in gentle times for transitioning from one parent to another to give the baby adequate time to adapt to the sight, smell, feel, and shift in parents.
• Don’t use the baby as a bargaining chip. It’s important to spare your baby from being caught in the middle of your personal feelings about your former partner and the residual anger, resentment, and blame you may wish you could heap on his or her shoulders.
GETTING ALONG WITH GRANDPARENTS AND OTHER RELATIVES
Throughout history, human families have served as the primary structure that ensures that children are protected and nurtured. Families don’t always work perfectly, but more often than not, it’s good to belong to one and to have the help of other, often more experienced, people when you become a parent.
Sometimes having a baby can draw you closer to the ones you love and to people who have been important to you in the past. Then again, it can also exacerbate old, unresolved conflicts or cause serious rifts.
On the positive side, your parents—the new grandparents to your baby—may be willing to pitch in to help you out physically, emotionally, and financially. In fact, in the United States, grandparents spend literally millions of dollars every year on baby products for their new grandchildren and equally millions of hours supporting young parents and doing babysitting.
Many grandparents report that having grandchildren is an awesome and joyful experience for them. It causes memories to resurface of their own baby-rearing days, and they find it deeply satisfying to see the next generation emerge so many years later.
“It’s hard to describe my feelings the first time I held my first grandchild. It was holy, mystical, amazing, and wonderful, as though the hands of time had stood still and I was holding his mother again for the first time.”
Watching your baby grow may remind your mom or dad of when you were a child, and grandparents may secretly be proud of you as they observe your strength and cleverness now that you’re a parent yourself. And most grandparents find this stage in the parenting process much easier and more pleasing than the first time around since they don’t have to bear the heavy weight of responsibility for your child or worry about losing sleep at night.
If your parents live far away, or you’ve lost one or both of them, the birth of your baby may arouse acute feelings of loneliness or sadness because they aren’t there to rejoice with you or support you at the time when you feel you need them most.
For some couples, the downside is just the opposite: Grandparents and other relatives are too close and meddle too much in their lives. Grandparents (and aunts and uncles) may criticize your parenting style, ignore your rules about how your baby should be handled, or they may attempt to interfere with parenting decisions that are rightfully yours to make.
Tip
It’s been said that “babies bring their own luck.” Sometimes a baby can heal rifts between family members much better than confrontation or therapy can. There’s something about the enchantment, sweetness, and innocence of a baby that helps adults to lay aside their defenses and grievances.
In some cases, parents secretly or openly disapprove of the person who is the father or mother of their grandchild, or they may take sides against their child’s “significant other” at every turn. Doing so can cause discomfort and emotional pain for the rejected partner, who may feel angered, hurt, or vengeful as a result.
Parents of babies and young children sometimes feel forced by their life circumstances to totally (or partially) turn the care of their children over to their own mothers or fathers, perhaps because they’re still teenagers, because of their own severe emotional or drug problems, or because they are forced to go back to work and feel they can’t afford any other option.
Tip
Religious differences that stayed dormant before the baby arrived may be exacerbated when it comes to the issue of how the baby will be reared. The first inklings of conflict may arise over whether the baby will be breastfed or not, circumcised (and by whom), or have a christening ceremony.
Inheriting primary care for a baby can place a special burden on grandparents who are aging, and thus have less energy to burn, and whose expectation is generally that they have graduated from the heavy and demanding job of rearing children.
Sometimes couples find that they have to turn their backs on their troubled families in order to protect their children from the conflicts and problems of the past. It’s sad when it happens, but if that’s the case for you, it’s useful to think of it less as a loss than as a choice to exchange your family of origin for a new family that you choose for yourself. Then, appoint mature people and friends whose relationships you cherish to serve as godparents and your new family, and cultivate closeness.
If you already have children, you may be wondering how to help them adjust to having a new sibling in the house. Older children and also pets may need some help getting used to your new addition.
If you have other children you may be worried about how they’re going to react to the new baby. Know that when it comes to siblings, it’s natural for older kids to feel both happy and jealous at the same time.
How your child reacts to having a new baby in the house will depend on his or her age. Children aged two and under may be curious about the new baby, but more because of the novelty of it. Your child may try squeezing, poking, or licking the baby just to see what happens, and may try imitating being a mommy with a doll or stuffed animal.
A three-year-old is old enough to hold your new baby with some help and can understand the importance of being gentle. A tot this age may be able to help with simple routines, such as bath time and singing lullabies. A four-year-old has a better-developed sense of empathy and can follow directions about what to do or not to do. He, or she, may enjoy playful moments with the baby or helping to push the stroller.
WARNING! Unsupervised Toddlers and Babies Don’t Mix
Never leave a toddler alone to play with your baby, or expect a preschooler to babysit an infant. Young children can hurt babies, and they don’t have the judgment to know when there’s an emergency, or what actions to take.
A child who’s five or older may not be as openly jealous at the arrival of the new baby, but may still be feeling it on the inside. It’s nice to let your child help with such tasks as diaper changing, dressing and undressing, or telling stories to the baby, but it is not appropriate to make him, or her, feel responsible for the baby.
With a preschooler, regardless of the child’s age, it’s important to establish some basic baby-handling rules. These are best stated as “things we do” rather than as “don’ts.” For example: Always ask for help in picking up the baby; wash your hands before touching the baby; let mommy give the baby toys and food; even though the baby may seem cold, it’s mommy’s job to put a blanket on the baby.
Tips for helping your other child(ren) adjust
Here are some parent-tested tips on bringing a baby home to siblings:
• Reassure. Let your other children know that they all have their own important roles in the family.
• Be discreet with gifts. Ask friends and relatives to be low-key when presenting new-baby gifts.
• Help kids remember. Remind older children in various ways that when they were a newborn, they got the same (or better) treatment: “When you were a baby, I nursed you just like this, nine times a day!”
• Teach baby games. Teach siblings baby games, like peek-a-boo and making funny faces.
• Keep things stable. If possible, don’t plan any other big life changes, like a new house or school, for around the time that the baby’s due.
• Expect regression. Don’t be too worried if your older toddler starts to revert to babyish behavior such as regressing with toilet training or having tantrums.
“For the first year after my second baby was born, I didn’t cope very well with my first child. We just didn’t seem to like each other very much anymore. He seemed big, noisy, and very annoying. I couldn’t wait for his dad to come home to take him off my hands.”
• Share yourself. As hard as it may be, try to work one-on-one time with older siblings into your daily or weekly routine. Let dad hold the new baby while you bathe, play with, or read to your older child. Try to talk about something other than the new baby during your time with other children.
Tip
With your second baby, you may not feel the same rush of love that you experienced with your first. Sometimes feelings toward your next baby take time to grow.
• Let siblings help. Everyone likes to contribute and to feel as if they’re needed. There are lots of things a younger child can do to feel important when it comes to helping a baby brother or sister; for example: fetching diapers, refilling the wipes container, finding a missing blanket or toy, helping to hold the baby’s bottle, singing a lullaby, pouring bath water over the baby’s belly and toes, helping to push the stroller, and sitting on the floor to hold the baby. Reward older siblings with privileges when they take on new responsibilities in the house.
• Plan a celebration. Involve siblings in any party planning for the new baby. Ensure that you also celebrate older kids’ new big-sister or -brother status, and encourage them to invite their friends along, too.
Pets can be wonderful to have around. Sometimes they can soothe and offer companionship to a child in ways that adults and siblings can’t. But not all pets are like Nana in Peter Pan, and sometimes they can harm babies. Bringing home a new baby means lots of changes for your whole family, including your pets. Here are some suggestions for getting your pet “babies” prepared before you bring your human baby home:
Keeping Kitty Out of Trouble
• Keep the cat and baby separate. Keep the baby and cats away from each other unless you’re close enough to stop flying claws. Be particularly wary after your child reaches about six to eighteen months old and starts to become more mobile.
• Spritz her. Use a spray bottle filled with water to train cats to stay out of the baby’s room. Cats also hate aluminum foil and cardboard covered in double-stick tape; consider putting these in front of the baby’s door (just don’t trip or get stuck yourself!).
• Tent the crib. For extra security, use a crib tent to keep cats out of the baby’s sleep area.
• Protect the cat’s territory. Always keep the baby out of the cat’s food area (and, of course, the litter box).
• Provide a retreat. Create a secure place for your cat to retreat from your baby, such as a perch or a tall scratching post, so she can escape and safely watch at a distance.
WARNING! Protect Your Baby from Dog Bites
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 400,000 children in the United States require medical help for dog bites every year. Any dog can be dangerous, but it is particularly true of breeds that are known to be aggressive, such as those typically chosen for guard dogs. Although pit bulls, rottweilers, and other dogs bred for protection are often thought to be the most dangerous to babies and young children, there’s at least one case of a baby being killed by a 4-pound Pomeranian. If your dog is aggressive and snarls or snaps at you, consider finding a new home for him before your baby arrives.
Dog attacks on babies are often unprovoked, and two-thirds of dog-related baby deaths involved babies who were asleep in a crib or bed. Dogs can also become agitated by automatic baby swings, which they have been known to attack. Never allow an unsupervised dog to have access to your baby, and set down rules when visiting relatives and friends with in-house dogs, since visiting babies and tots may be even more vulnerable to injury when they enter into the pets’ territories.
Cats
Cats and human infants don’t always mix very well. We personally know of more than one formerly beloved household cat who had to go to a new home after scratching a baby or toddler one time too many.
Some cats are mellow, but others can be quite unpredictable and get indignant when you don’t pet them in the right place or are high-energy and will lash out and swipe at whatever catches their eye. While some cats can adapt readily to household changes, others will show their indignation by pooping on your pillow if they feel they’re not getting the attention they deserve.
Dogs
How well will your dog get along with your baby? The best dog to have around is one that’s submissive and can tolerate a lot of handling. You should be able to roll him over, play with his paws, stick your fingers in his mouth, tug on his ears, and do other things a toddler would do without your dog reacting negatively or nipping at you.
Tip
It’s better to wait at least a year after your baby is born to add a dog to your household; otherwise, you’ll have to deal with training and cleaning up after a puppy at the same time as you’re dealing with the demands of a new baby.
If your dog knows that you’re the leader of the pack, it’ll usually follow your lead on how to treat the baby. Dogs are social animals with an instinct to operate in a family group, so you’ll find that most dogs adapt to a new baby pretty well. You may even find that if you take the dog and baby on a walk, the dog will act protective of the stroller.
“We were worried that our retriever’s constant barking would disturb our baby. We filled a spray bottle with water and every time he started to bark, we told him to be quiet, and at the same time, we sprayed his nose and mouth with the water. He got the message.”
However, even if your dog isn’t jealous of your new baby, he may get frustrated if he’s suddenly getting less exercise and social time. This can translate into behavior that might seem spiteful, like chewing on something of yours or jumping up on you.
Tip
Feliway Comfort Zone® for cats and D.A.P.® (Dog Appeasing Pheromone) for dogs claim to help ease a pet’s anxiety by delivering comforting pheromones that are similar to the chemicals produced by a lactating female dog or a cat rubbing its cheek against an object or person. Preparing Fido™ is a CD that exposes dogs (and cats) to common baby sounds, such as breathing, grunting, squeaking, and screaming. Nature’s Miracle® is for cleaning up doggie accidents. Premier Pet Products produces a citronella collar that can be placed on the dog during the times when you want to discourage barking, such as during the baby’s naptime. You can use the Internet to locate these items.
Dog-Management Tips
Here are some quick ideas for managing your dog after you bring your baby home:
• Set up a pet zone. Use pet gates to fence off a spare room or special area where your dog can be confined if he shows problems adjusting to your new baby.
• Shift responsibilities. If you’re the dog’s main caregiver, try shifting more feeding, walking, and playing responsibilities to your partner before your baby arrives, so the dog won’t feel suddenly abandoned after the baby enters your life.
• Introduce new odors and sounds. The smell of a new baby and mom’s breast and bottom pads can seem strange to a dog, and baby screaming can be upsetting. Your dog may regress to urinating in the house to mark his territory. Introduce the dog to a soiled baby’s diaper and a blanket before you bring the baby home.
• Stop the jumping. If your dog is excitable and jumps up, cure him of this habit as soon as possible. The last thing you want is dirty paws flying at you while you’re carrying the baby, or a dog that leaps at your tender c-section incision, which might tear it. Fit the dog with a harness and train him when he jumps up by pulling him down with a resounding “no” or bending your knee to throw him off balance. Better yet, enroll him in obedience training to make your life easier.
• Exercise. Don’t forget your dog’s daily exercise needs. Regular walks will help to calm his excitement. If you’re too tired from postbirth recovery or preoccupied with the baby, hire a dog walker.
• Teach floor commands. If your dog associates you being on the floor with playtime, retrain your pet to follow simple commands like “down” and “stay” when you’re in that position. That will prepare your pet to remain calm and obedient when you’re on the floor with the baby. Again, if that doesn’t work, hire a dog trainer to help you bring Fido under tow.
• Spay or neuter. Neutered animals are generally calmer and less likely to be territorial or to bite.
• Practice with equipment. Some dogs are unnerved by the tick-tocking and motion of a baby swing and may attack it, and others may have problems walking alongside a stroller. Expose your dog to these pieces of equipment and train him to remain calm around them.