MONTH 4
(16–19 weeks)
Baby’s weight: 10½ to 16½ pounds (average for girls);
12 to 17½ pounds (average for boys)
Baby’s height: 22½ to 26 inches (average for girls);
23½ to 27 inches (average for boys)
YOUR BABY
When you pick up your baby, she seems more put together and less floppy, and her arm and leg movements are better coordinated. She’s gaining more control of her little body.
She can keep her head steady if you bring her to your shoulder, or prop her up, and she looks around with interest, fussing to be picked up. In a supported sitting position, her head will be steady and erect, rather than flopping over, and she may be able to support her own weight in a standing position when you hold her in your lap. But don’t overdo the standing; crawling usually comes first.
Four-month-old baby
On her back, if you approach her as though you’re going to lift her, she will tense her body as though she knows what’s coming next. When she has “tummy time,” her legs straighten out behind her and she may make swimming movements with both arms and legs like a little mermaid. Bathtub time means a lot of splashing and water everywhere. (But never leave your baby alone in the tub, even for one second!)
If she’s sitting in your lap or in a high chair, she may turn her head to watch the tip of a spoon handle as you slowly move it back and forth a few feet from her eyes, and if you sound a bell or rattle to one side of her, she is likely to turn her eyes or her whole head back and forth from side to side trying to find the source of the sound.
You may also see some rollingover action. The first time your baby rolls over, it will be an accident and it may surprise her or even make her fuss. But after a lot of practice, she’ll figure out how to do it deliberately.
Most babies roll from front to back first, but since today’s babies are spending so much time sleeping on their backs (to prevent SIDS), or sitting upright in strollers, seats, and baby carriers—rolling over is happening later for a lot of babies. Because they spend so little time on their tummies, some babies’ neck muscles simply fail to strengthen equally on both sides. (For hints on how to maximize your baby’s tummy time, see in this chapter.)
Your baby’s hands are of great interest to her. She plays with her fingers and looks at each hand separately, or grabs one hand with the other. She’s now perfected how to reach for things and is learning how to use her eyes and hands together to reach and grasp at objects with open hands. Once she captures something, it usually goes directly to the mouth to get slimed and explored. If you place a toy ring or cube in her hand, she may be able to hold on to it, and resist your trying to take it away. Typically, she’ll hold the object against her palm using just her fingers, but not her thumb. If she drops it, she won’t be able to pick it back up without your help.
If she’s bottle fed, she may try to hold her bottle, or if she’s nursing, she’ll cup your breast in her hands or entangle her fingers in your hair. She can track an object with her eyes as you slowly move it from one side to another. Eyes are starting to develop binocular vision, which means the world has more depth and seems more 3-D. That makes it easier to reach for objects.
Her awareness of colors is becoming more acute, too. While she preferred strong black-and-white patterns as a newborn, by last month she began to perceive colors in the same way you do. She was attracted to stimulating, bright primary colors, like red, green, and blue. Now, she’s come to prefer colors that are clear and strong. For example, she’ll be more attracted to fire-engine red over rust orange, and royal blue over powder blue—one reason why baby toys can often look so gaudy.
Your baby has now begun to recognize and become attached to the voices and faces of familiar people. When she’s happy about interacting with you or someone else, she will show excitement by waving her arms, opening her eyes wide, and by breathing faster. When she’s in a strange place, she may become more vigilant and wary and get a worried look on her face. Some babies shut down temporarily in unfamiliar situations just to keep from being overwhelmed, such as when they’re at the doctor’s office or in a noisy grocery store, only later to become agitated and express their distress. She likes to coo, and it can be fun to listen to her babbling. She knows who’s most important in her life—you—and can zero in on you in a crowd. See if you can make her squeal or laugh out loud with the ever-popular “peek-a-boo” routine. (She may get cross when you turn away and stop the game.)
SCENARIO: Every time you take your baby to the grocery store, she gets very upset and cries in protest. People start staring at you as though you were a child abuser. The problem may be sensory overload from the bright lights, temperature changes, and strange colors and patterns. Next time, instead of using the grocery cart baby seat, you carry her through the aisles in a sling. This helps to shield her from the strangeness, and keeps her warm.
The ears have it
Human ears are, in effect, sound-gathering funnels that guide sound waves into a small canal in each ear, each of which acts like a resonating chamber. When sounds reach your baby’s eardrum, they become vibrations that are picked up in the middle ear by three tiny linked ear bones. The vibrations are then mechanically passed deeper to the inner ear, where tiny hair cells translate them into electrochemical impulses for the brain to interpret. Right now, your baby’s brain is in the process of learning how to tell how far away a sound is, where the sound is located in space, and what’s making the sound.
Even though your baby could hear well in the months before birth, it is taking months for her body to learn how to orient toward sounds. This month, your baby will probably start turning her head and eyes in the direction of sound made about 18 inches to the side of one of her ears, such as the tinkling of a bell. Next month she’ll be able to turn and lower her head if the sound is made below one ear.
By six months, she’ll be able to both turn her head and raise it when she hears a sound above one ear. By seven months, her head will be able to smoothly and rapidly move in the direction of a sound. By eight months, she will be able to smoothly swing her head around to virtually any angle to zero in on a sound source.
When older babies are tested for their reactions to sounds of different frequencies, it’s been found that they have an even wider hearing rate than most adults do. Your baby will be able to detect low sounds from 16 cycles per second up to those as high as 40,000 cycles, while the range of adult hearing is considerably narrower, especially in the high (shrill) frequency ranges due to hearing damage.
YOU
Let the bonding begin! Much has been written about parent-baby bonding—the weaving of that mysterious golden cord that connects babies and parents together for eternity—but true baby love has more of an everyday face. It happens during burping, diapering, and even when you’d rather be sleeping but you’re nursing instead.
It’s hard to remember what NOT having a baby felt like, and in the quiet, it dawns on you that you love your baby, really love her. Even if giving so much is hard, even if you’re really tired, you’re really attached to this little person.
Your baby is starting to wake up to the world and is paying attention to others besides you. Sometimes she seems as though she’s demanding attention. At some point between now and next month, she will laugh out loud for the first time, which will make you laugh, too. It feels good when you can respond to your baby’s need for “company” but frustrating when you’re rushed or torn between responding to her and getting something else done. When your baby engages with her dad, you may have mixed feelings: pleased that he’s now getting the hang of it but also a slight tinge of jealously now that your intimate relationship with your little “breast friend” and former “wombmate” has started to change.
SCENARIO: You’re doing the best you can to be present for your baby and satisfy her every need, but her constant day-and-night demands are really beginning to wear on you. You’re afraid you’re about to go into meltdown, and find yourself fantasizing about escaping to a tropical island to just rest and find your “real” self again. You decide to call up other moms from your childbirth education class and throw a Saturday afternoon picnic. Just being around other women going through the same process and watching their babies makes your situation easier to endure, at least for now. Everyone decides to meet again next month.
YOUR BABY
Help with a challenging baby
Here are some of the characteristics of the most challenging babies— both girls and boys can display any one of these traits—and some handling tips to help. (You may find that your baby is a combination of more than one type.)
Highly active
While other babies just lie and look winsome, your very wiry and active baby continually cycles his arms and legs. The baby is very hard to settle, resists change, and jolts awake the minute you try to lay her down in the crib. No amount of patting or soothing (or ignoring) will convince her to stay there without lusty protests.
“I realized that there’s a difference between happiness and fulfillment. Happiness is getting to sleep in; fulfillment is getting up early to care for someone else.”
Handling strategies: Let your baby have brief periods outside with sunlight to help her adjust his day-night rhythms. Large muscle activity may help her calm down. Swaddling her from the waist down, briefly sitting her in a vibrating infant seat, and teaching her how to suck on her fist may all help her to self-soothe and calm down.
Highly sensitive
Your baby appears to be upset by being touched or handled and is simply overwhelmed by too much stimulation. She becomes restless and strains away from you when you try to hold her. Every move appears to be jarring to her, as though she has trouble managing the bright, loud world in which she finds herself. When she gets into a cycle of crying, it snowballs: She just keeps getting more and more upset.
Handling strategies: Try moving slowly and deliberately. Keep noise levels low and soften your voice. Swaddling her in a blanket to buffer her skin sensations and to restrain her movements may help. Respond quickly to her signals to intervene when she cries before she really loses it. Feathery touches and “finger talking” can be unpleasant to this type of baby. Don’t distract her by touching or talking to her when she’s trying to feed. Deeper touches, such as massage that milks her limbs, may work. (For information on baby massage, see in this chapter.) For the most sensitive babies, nursing while enfolded in a pillow may be more soothing (but don’t leave her to sleep that way because of the risk of SIDS). Use rocking for soothing, but if that doesn’t help, sit her in a motionless infant seat with the toy bar removed so she can pull in and compose herself. Keep her crib area low-key and don’t attach a mobile or activity center there. Tape the monotonous sounds of a droning fan, an air cleaner, the noise of a vacuum cleaner, or the rhythmical beating of a clothes dryer; or use the white noise of an off-air radio station to help mask sounds that would normally arouse and startle her.
“Don’t fence me in.”
Your baby resists being confined even for one minute. She will arch her back and scream the minute you try to fold her into her car seat. She hates having shirts pulled down over her head and may even seem to feel imprisoned in a front carrier, baby swing, or jumper.
Handling strategies: Give your baby lots of space for gazing around while lying on her back. Offer her a variety of textures to explore with her body. Bring her car seat inside and let her sit in it when her’s fed and happy, and play with her using a soft toy with constant supervision so the seat doesn’t topple over and injure her. Use only the softest T-shirts with smooth seams and no tags—clothing that won’t evoke her fear of suffocation and entrapment. Make your car’s backseat less boring by installing a soft activity–play bar, and play soft CD music.
“Please carry me.”
This baby only wants to be where you are day and night—on your person, that is. When you hold her, she molds her body around you. She stubbornly fights being put down for sleep, or doing anything that separates her from your loving arms and body.
Handling strategies: While you’re at home, wear your baby on your chest in a sling or soft carrier to allow the rhythm of your walking and movements to soothe her (and to free up your hands to finish up your chores or deal with other children). Take mini-naps with your baby on your bare chest as you recline on the couch or bed with a blanket to cover the two of you. When your baby’s alert, give her time to briefly explore separation by placing her in an infant seat while you stay close by. Lay her on a blanket on the floor while you sit next to her with your hand on her back or chest, or try placing one hand at the top of her head and using your other hand to support the soles of her feet.
“Shush! You’re too loud.”
He startles at noises that you hardly notice, like the whistle of a passing train, or the garbage truck outside the window. His hearing may be strangely selective: He may not respond to your calling his name from nearby, yet may appear to pause and listen to the cat leaping onto the windowsill in the next room. Rhythms and noises that he doesn’t like will cause him to become restless or fussy.
Handling strategies: Speak in a low, soft monotone and try repeating simple sounds when you comfort him, such as, “Shusssh . . . shusssh,” or, “Bahhhh . . . bahhh.” Consider temporarily shielding nursery windows from loud noises with thick drapes or blackout shades. Keep the television off or down. Droning and monotonous sounds may work for this baby as for the highly sensitive one. Try exposing him to gentle, low-key music, such as recordings of baby lullabies or heartbeat sounds.
“Just leave me alone.”
Your baby is so low-key, she seems almost to be lazy. No matter how much you talk to her or try to get her to react to things, she seems to draw back into her shell and become increasingly more passive and disinterested. Unlike babies who thrive on social games, this type of baby may not welcome eye-to-eye contact, may not turn toward you when you approach her, or brighten up or seem excited when you come near. If you pick her up or try to play with her, she may just flop in your arms—her way of defending herself from becoming overwhelmed.
Handling strategies: Instead of working hard to calm this baby down as you would a highly active baby, you may need to work harder to get her more engaged with you and the world around her. If sound, touch, or movement doesn’t turn her on, there may be other methods for getting her attention. Things she sees, animated expressions, and brisk movements may intrigue her. She may prefer voices in the midrange rather than those that seem too low or too high. The task is to help her liven up, whether it’s with silly faces, brightly colored toys or pictures moved in front of her, or a noisy rattle. She may respond to vigorous movement, toe and finger games, or become fascinated and drawn out by a flashlight beam moving around in her darkened room.
Be your own baby detective
Is your baby starting to show a distinct personality? Each baby is just as unique as her mom and dad are. Different babies show remarkably different temperaments, energy levels, and coping abilities, almost from day one.
FLASH FACT: Some Babies Are Born Shy
About one in ten babies is born with a tendency to be fearful. These babies startle more easily and react intensely to anything out of the ordinary. Interestingly, they have a slightly faster heart rate than other babies, even when they’re asleep. While an easygoing, cheerful, and energetic baby will thrive on exploration, a fussy, timid, or quiet baby may be upset by change and reluctant to explore anything new.
Some babies have “I’m gonna make you look like a GREAT parent” written all over their faces. They’re the easygoing, extremely flexible kids who are very regular in their eating and sleeping patterns and almost sleep on command.
Typically, most babies are a lot more demanding than that, at least at first. They don’t sleep through the night, and even if they do get into regular sleeping patterns, night waking returns, especially when there’s a big drive toward new skills, teeth are coming in, or an illness is taking hold. Some babies cry at the slightest provocation; or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, a baby may be extremely deadpan and nonreactive and nothing seems to draw her out.
Unfortunately, parents don’t have much control over how well their temperaments match their baby’s disposition. What matters most is how their personalities mesh together to form a relationship.
A laid-back mom may be paired with a highly reactive, extremely sensitive baby who forces her to watch her p’s and q’s; a mom who’s a dedicated control freak or a neatnik may be yoked with a very irregular baby who randomly wakes up day and night or an equally challenging, strong-willed, and difficult-to-manage tot. A very shy and reserved parent may find herself gifted with a highly active, very sociable, and outgoing baby who always leaps before she looks.
If your baby is high-demand, you’re likely to find yourself parenting in extremis, a situation that calls for utmost patience and self-care to match the around-the-clock requirements that you’re experiencing. In that case, you’ll spend your days wandering around like a zombie and find it hard just to function. Unfortunately, no matter what books and experts tell you, only time will make things better.
“Stop, look, and listen! The question to ask yourself at any given moment is: ‘What is my baby trying to tell me?’ ”
Slowing down and becoming more sensitive to your baby’s signals is the best way to manage. When your baby fusses or seems unhappy, it’s very tempting to rush in to try to make things right by pulling out every soothing trick you know. But being in such a rush to solve things may cause you to overlook the subtle cues your baby is giving you about how she prefers to be handled.
Try listing out loud what you’re observing about your baby. If her eyes are bright and open wide; her head is turned toward you; her shoulders are relaxed, lowered, and folded forward; her movements are smooth or she’s staring at you and being perfectly still; and her skin tone is even—then she’s probably telling you: “Bring it ON!”
On the other hand, if she’s tense; fussy; arches her back; looks popeyed; peers up to the ceiling or anywhere but your face; turns her head to the side when you’re trying to engage with her; or she’s hiccupping, coughing, sneezing, or spitting up—then she’s probably telling you: “Back OFF!”
Don’t be offended by her turnoff message. Just imitate what she’s doing. That will help make you more baby-aware, and it may also encourage her to come back around for a little more play.
Tip
If you want to grow into a careful baby-watcher, it helps to keep a journal and jot down notes about your baby’s changing, sleeping, and eating patterns and to record what handling strategies appear to work—at least for now.
Introducing solids
You may be feeling pressure from your mother and others to start your baby on solids. They’ll tell you your baby will sleep better; that she’ll cry less; she’ll gain weight (and therefore be happier); or that she won’t nurse as much. However, nearly every major health organization in the world recommends that babies not be given anything but breastmilk or formula for the first six months of life. This is because before this point, the baby’s digestive tract is not yet fully matured and hasn’t developed the enzymes necessary for digestion.
Baby Massage: All the Smooth Moves
Most babies love being touched, and you can make a 15-minute massage a part of your nighttime ritual for soothing your baby and preparing her for sleep. Usually, babies prefer being massaged from head to toe, and not in the opposite direction. Discontinue massaging if your baby seems fitful or unhappy. (Some babies are very skin sensitive and don’t feel comfortable with too much hand-to-body stimulation.)
Here are the basics:
1. Create as quiet and peaceful a setting as possible. Turn up the heat so your baby doesn’t feel chilly. Sit on your bed with your baby between your legs and prop her head and shoulders on a towel-covered pillow. Use firm pillows to support your back, too. Rub a baby-safe oil or lotion between your hands and gently hold your baby’s head between your palms. Then take a few deep breaths and stroke the baby down either side of her cheeks.
2. Continue stroking downward on both sides of her body all the way to her feet, making sure your hands stay well oiled so there’s no friction. Repeat several times.
3. Use both of your hands to milk each leg, starting with her thigh and going all the way to her ankles, using firm, deep strokes as though you were milking a cow. Then, milk her arms from her shoulders to her wrists. Roll each thigh and leg as though you were working down a piece of dough.
4. Turn your baby over and place her facedown across your thighs with her head at your left. If you wish, put her on a moisture-proof pad or towel and remove her diaper. Stroke your hands down your baby’s back to her ankles, or use any other back strokes that feel comfortable to you.
Baby massage classes may be available in some cities if you want further instruction. Alternatively, look for baby massage books, DVDs, and videos online, or check one out from a library or video store to find out more.
FLASH FACT: Too Good to Be True?
Sometimes a baby can be too good! Doctors and developmental specialists may be concerned about babies who sleep too much, who are too passive, and who don’t actively demand a lot of attention from their parents. And, if it’s any comfort, at least one study shows that a so-called “good” baby is far more likely to turn into a little hellion as a toddler, while a challenging, very demanding baby has a greater chance of turning into sweetness and light during that stage. Some babies, though, have sensory processing problems that make them challenging at every stage.
Your little napster
Between now and her first birthday, your baby will probably need two daily naps that will usually last from 30 minutes to 2 hours each, but some babies give up their second nap as they get closer to twelve months of age.
Daytime and nighttime sleeping appear to be independent from each other, so keeping your baby up during the day offers no guarantee that she will sleep better that night. If anything, an overly tired baby will sleep more poorly at night and wake up earlier than one who has had adequate rest during the past 24-hour cycle.
Most babies take their first naps of the day several hours after they wake up in the morning. (If you’re at home with your baby, you should probably go back to bed, too, especially if your baby’s awakened several times in the night.)
It helps to keep your baby napping in the crib, rather than in a soft carrier, car seat, or stroller. Don’t feel as though you have to tiptoe around the house or cringe when you step on a squeaking floorboard. Unless your baby’s highly sensitive to sound, it’s better to let her get used to household noises now.
“I discovered that my baby hated tummy time unless he was completely naked. He liked having the whole-body sensation, and maybe his diaper pressing into his belly made him uncomfortable. So, buff it was.”