Mama Bear insists on driving me home. His car looks like it was made from leftovers of other cars. Every piece is a different color. The only unifying feature is the rust.
We don’t talk on the ride. Mama Bear glances at me every time he checks the mirrors. Maybe he’s expecting me to cry, but my eyes feel dry. I don’t feel much of anything. I keep replaying the events in my head.
I am so relieved that Mama Bear came in when he did. A part of me, the part making my stomach grind, knows that if KCC and Brandon had just slowed down a little, I probably would have done whatever they wanted. I liked how hot they were, how they found me attractive, how they wanted me, how they told me I was talented and could win. I even enjoyed the physical stuff. So I went along with it. I guess I really am a big, stupid, fat slut.
Mama Bear pulls over near my place. “What’s going on in there?” he asks.
I don’t know how to answer.
“Listen,” Mama Bear says. “KCC is a huge dick. He shouldn’t have put you in that situation. You shouldn’t have had to tell him to stop. He shouldn’t have started. What KCC and Brandon tried is wrong.”
I shake my head. “I was a willing participant. Di warned me. You warned me. But they were nice to me. They offered to help me. I thought they actually cared about me.”
“They hurt you,” Mama Bear says. “It doesn’t matter if KCC is God’s gift to gays or even God himself. He doesn’t get to treat you like crap and then blame you for what he did.”
“I guess.”
Mama Bear heaves a big sigh. “You can only try to trust better guys in the future. Guys who treat you well. Guys who are nice to you and don’t expect anything in return. You don’t need to waste your time on assholes you can find anywhere, anytime. KCC’s not special. You are. Don’t forget that.”
“I’m not though,” I say. “What KCC said was right.”
Mama Bear unbuckles his seat belt and leans over to hug me. His body is warm and soft. He doesn’t let go. I rest my head on his shoulder and curl into him.
“KCC is wrong. You’re a great cook. You don’t make people feel like garbage. And maybe you don’t see it, but you’re cute as anything.” Mama Bear strokes the back of my head and keeps hugging me.
I feel small and safe. I turn my head and look at him. He looks good in a lumberjack way with his big beard. Maybe I did pick wrong. Maybe I missed a good guy right in front of me because of how awestruck I was over KCC. Maybe I should have taken a chance on a different guy.
I lift my head up to kiss Mama Bear. I lean in. Our lips nearly touch.
Mama Bear pulls back. “I’m sorry. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“What? Why?” I sit back in my seat and feel my cheeks start to burn. “I thought…you said pick a better guy. You called me cute.”
“You are,” Mama Bear says. “But I have to actually be a better guy, and you’re making that really hard.” He gives a big sigh and closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “KCC and Brandon are too old for you. I am too. You’re upset, and it wouldn’t be right. I’d be taking advantage.”
“You don’t want to kiss me?” I ask.
“What I want doesn’t matter,” Mama Bear says. “If you were a little older or I was a little younger, it would be different.”
“I’m not that young.”
“You’re still in high school. We’re in different places. I’m sorry, Theo. I know this feels shitty, but don’t take it as a rejection.”
“It is a rejection.” I unlock my door and grasp my backpack. “Thanks for the ride.”
Mama Bear grabs hold of my hand as I get out of the car. “I’ll call you. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. But trust me, it’s better this way. Especially for you.”
“Right.” I slam the door and walk away.
I don’t want Mama Bear to call. I don’t want KCC or Brandon to call either. I want a voice mail from the ditzy guy telling me I’ve been cut from HEAT’s competition. After making it to the finals and then being dropped by KCC, Brandon and Mama Bear, all in the span of a few hours, I don’t think I can face any of them again. If I’m not kicked out of the contest, I’ll have to quit.