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I was truly freaking out about seeing this counselor, I was scared that they might find out that I was planning on hurting myself. I truly did not want them to find out my plan.
“Hello, I’m Doctor Thomson. Ashly Thomson.” The therapist said.
I put on my fake smile and told Thomson everything she wanted to hear, “Hi, I’m Lilian, Lilian Foster, or Collison. I had a friend named Ashley, but I don’t get to see her anymore, because I moved to another school. Well, I moved almost all the way across the country.”
“Nice to meet you, what do you want to talk about?”
“Well, nothing per se.”
“Oh ok, what is bothering you?”
“Nothing, I’m a completely normal child with a normal life. I just don’t have a mom.”
“And how does that make you feel?”
“Sometimes I’m angry she took her life but other times I think maybe it is for the best I mean; my life is pretty great.”
“Do you ever want to follow your mother’s footsteps?”
“What do you mean?”
“Kill yourself?”
“No, why would anyone ever want to do that?” That is exactly what I am going to do, “It is the most retarded thing you could do.”
“Oh interesting, I think it is time I talk to your mother, I mean grandmother.” Oh, that is the worst mistake she made in her life. Maybe I should invite her to my suicide.
I stepped outside the room and thought that I had to keep my happy face on until my birthday, the memorial. I knew that my grandmother was in there still freaking out about how I was able to open up to strangers and not to her.
I was 100% scared about what was going to happen to me when I got home because Nona was going to want to know what happened to me in that office. I was scared about the mess I put myself into. I just wanted the summer to be there so I could get done with my plan and my life in general.
I decided to start making the invitations I only wanted to make a few, just for the people I absolutely wanted to be there. I wanted the people that hurt my mother the most to be there and also, Hayden because he needed to be there when I died. My high school lover was not actually going to be my high school lover. That thought brought tears to my eyes. I really do love him.
* * *
SOON, IT WAS CHRISTMAS time and I still just waited for the summer. I had finished my invitations but had not sent them yet. Hayden was going to be out of town for Christmas because he was going to be with his father. Which really sucked and brought a lot of anxiety because we have never been away from each other for longer than two days.
I was spending Christmas with my grandparents. Jackie and Jason were back in Illinois with their own lives, gladly. Jacob was in the hospital Jackie worked in. I might not be able to see Jacob Thomas before I die, and I did not want to risk it.
I had gotten people I “cared” about gifts, but it did not mean anything to me. The gifts I bought were more of a “remember me” gift than anything else. I was not excited for Christmas but pretended to be.
Hayden and I went to the store on December 23, to get some last stuff for Christmas. Looked like people also had that idea. Hayden got what he wanted to get for his father, and I picked out some gum. We stood in line for almost three hours.
Finally, we checked out and got back in the car. “So, Lilian what do you want for Christmas?” Hayden asked.
“I don’t know,” I said but I knew exactly what I wanted, July to be there.
“Of course, you know what you want, everyone knows what they want.”
“Don’t make fun of me, but I want a dog.” I made that up. I hate dogs. It would really suck if Nona and Grandpa had to take care of it after I die.
“Cool, have you told your grandma and grandpa?”
“Well of course but it is something I won’t get,” I had told my grandparents this, but it was all part of the act I was playing until the day I took my life. I did not really think that they would get me one.
“How do you know?”
“I just do, I’ll probably get one of those old gerbil robot things.”
“Oh, Lilian. I love you, high school lover!”
“I love you too,” I did love him, and I really wanted to tell Hayden my suicide plan, but he would tell someone and shut it down.
I had barely ever kept a secret, and this was one of the hardest things I had ever kept. I thought of the pain I was going to feel when the knife would hit me in my heart.
I kept telling myself, it will only be a few minutes of pain then eternity with my beautiful mother. I got out of the car and walked inside. I did not say ‘hi’ to my grandparents. I just went inside to my room and got the invitations out and stared at them.
My eyes teared up, then I wiped them off. I did not eat dinner that night, I had not been eating a lot of food lately. I had lost some weight, but no one noticed.
I was happy that no one had noticed that I had been losing weight but was depressed that I was not important enough for anyone to see that I had lost weight.
* * *
CHRISTMAS FINALLY CAME, I ate a lot that day because I wanted to gain back the weight I had lost. And I wanted to look at my weight to make sure my weight was back.
“Hey, Lilian, it is time to open presents,” Nona smiled at me.
“Ok,” I said, “You can open mine to you first.”
And they did. They opened the presents I got for them first. It brought tears to my eyes seeing them open the last gifts I would ever be giving them.
Then Bill left the room and opened the door and let in a small black pit bull that I named Frank. Frank’s paws were extremely cute, I picked up the puppy and did not let it down. Maybe I do like dogs.
I finally let my secret go, but not to a human but to the puppy, in my room after Christmas. The puppy did not understand but I felt good about letting it out to something.
It was the worst Christmas I had ever had in my life and it was the last one.
* * *
SOON, JANUARY CAME, and it was a new year. I still had not sent the invitations, but by February they were out.
Nona was filled with anger about the memorial, and she was mad about me staying in the house, but Nona knew that she must go and support me with the memorial. She thought it was my way of giving the subject closure.
The one thing I never mentioned after the invitations sent out was the memorial due to my thoughts inside my head. I had already cut my leg, but it was cold enough that I could wear pants, and no one would look at my leg.
That Saturday, me and my father sat down and talked about the memorial, “What kind of food do you want at the memorial?” To be honest, when he said talk about the memorial, I thought he was going to talk me out of it.
“I don’t know, what kind of food did my mother like?”
“She liked or you could even say loved chips and salsa.”
“Ok well, I want chips and salsa along with cheese because that is all the twins eat with their chips. They always make it clear that they don’t like salsa.” I also don’t really like salsa, but I tolerate it.
“Oh ok, there is something I need to tell you, Lilian. You have to promise to not freak out.”
“Ok,” I was confused about what he was talking about.
“Erin, come out here,” then a lady came out of the kitchen into the living room, “This is my girlfriend, Erin.”
“Oh,” I automatically knew that I was not going to get along with her and I could sense that Erin felt the same way about me.
“Hello Lilian, I’ve heard so much about you!”
“I’ve never heard anything about you, sweetheart.”
“Oh, you are a funny little girl.”
“Erin, maybe it would be best if you leave for a moment.”
“Ok,” she said as she left the room back into the kitchen.
“I don’t like her,” I said, “she is very mean and ugly. Why do you like her?”
“You don’t even know her, I bet she loves you.”
“I doubt it did you see how rude she was? You probably are blind by her because you are in love.”
“Lilian stop it, you’re going to have to at least pretend to like her because you are going to be seeing a lot of her.” He looked at the door and rolled his eyes, “You haven’t even been in the same room for five minutes.”
“I have a great idea, break up with her.”
“No, I love her. I love you too you are my daughter.”
“I know this.”
“Lilian, just pretend to like her by the way she is going to help plan your mother’s memorial.”
I was terribly angry at Matthew and did not want to talk to Erin but put on my happy face and pretended to like Erin. I knew that I only had to get along with her until July 19th.
I ran to my new room and slammed my door, I sat on my bed and just was mad and angry and sat there.
In anger, I laid on my bed and cried again. I fell asleep and then was awoken by my father, “I’m going to the store, and do you want to come?”
“No, can I stay here?”
“Yeah, there is food in the kitchen.”
I waited a few minutes and then walked into the kitchen and saw Erin. Erin was at the table on her phone, it had looked like she had just done the dishes.
“Lilian, do you want your lunch.”
“No thanks though I would love to be left alone.”
“Oh, Lilian sit down and eat your food.”
“No, leave me alone.”
Erin gave me food, but I just stared at it. “Lilian if you don’t eat, I will force it down you.” She was going to poison me. This is not how I am going to go down.
“Why do you even care if I eat or not?”
“I just care.”
“If you care so much you eat it.”
“No!” She tackled me and held me to the ground “You are going to eat this and fall back asleep and get sick and hopefully my plan will happen, you will die, and I will marry your father.”
“Wow, I told my father you were a bad person,” I started, “It must be my sixth sense finding all the bad people in the world!”
I pushed Erin off of me and turned to say something, but Erin had thrown a chair at me. I swerved and the chair missed, then Matthew walked in.
Erin looked but before she could say anything Matthew said, “What happened here?”
“She tried to poison me with that bottle in her purse!”
“No, I did not! What are you talking about?”
“You know that chair you just threw at me!”
“Both of you stop!” He demanded, “Lilian go to your room and Erin why did you try to poison my daughter?”
“I didn’t.”
“Give me your purse!”
“Whatever!” She said grabbing her purse and she pulled out the poison. “Yes, I tried to poison her idiot!
“Get out!”
“What? What about my pay? I did your dishes!”
“I said get out of my house now before I call the police!”
“Fine whatever. See you tomorrow, master.”
“By the way, I love my daughter and would never hurt her, we are done!” Matthew watched as she slammed the door then he ran to my room to check on me. I was shaking I almost got killed.