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March was gone before it even came, April was the month I had finished planning the memorial.
My grades began to drop, they kept dropping I was failing three of my classes. English was because I had not turned in one of my projects, Math was because I did not understand it, and Social Studies was because I did not take the time to study for each quiz.
The last thing my father had heard that Erin was on the news, she had been arrested for the murderer of two men. Matthew was happy he had noticed she was not nice when he had because if he had not noticed she would be in prison for the murder of me and not the two men. Though Matthew’s other lawyer that share’s an office with him is representing her in her trial. Which I think is dumb and probably bias because Matthew and she used to date.
“What will happen if I don’t get my grades up?” I asked Matthew, he had been giving me a hard time.
“You will not do any sports or have your mother’s memorial.”
“Oh, then I will have them up by the end of the year, my grandma already threatened to take away my puppy if I don’t get them up.”
“Well see Lilian, get your grades up or bad things will happen.” Bad things will happen no matter what.
“Ok, will you help me with this extra credit work my teachers gave me?”
“If you need it, come on I know you are not dumb you can use your head and do it well.”
“But I am dumb.”
“Lilian you never say that ever again.”
I got out my extra credit work and did all of it then I was ready to turn it in on the next day.
I fell asleep that night, with little on my mind. I had a dream about the suicide and everyone watching. It was a good dream, I guess.
I woke up and was scared about it, but I knew it was not that day yet. I went to the kitchen grabbed a knife went over everything I was going to say, it is like rehearsing a play. While I was in the bathroom, (going over my lines) I slit my upper leg and it began to bleed very badly. I got a band-aid and cleaned up my wound. Then I washed the knife so that Matthew did not question me.
To be honest, I started to back out of the mess, but I remembered that I could not. I had to do this for Sabrina.
* * *
THAT MORNING BEFORE school I went to all the classes that I was failing and turned in my work for the teachers. They all said stuff like thank you and keep your grades up. I liked that they were all encouraging.
I walked back to the gym happy. Then, I got sad again. Jessica had not been hanging out with me lately because I had been distant, and we did not really have a lot in common. Hayden had other friends now from his basketball team. He is really good so of course, he made it.
I ended up sitting on the bleachers all depressed and alone.
My leg throbbed with pain and I could not stand that the band-aid was rubbing up against the cut causing it to sting, the band-aid did not even cover it all, I probably needed stitches.
I felt that it started to bleed. It had not really bothered me but in second hour I had to ask to go to the bathroom because it felt so bad. I limped to the bathroom.
When I got there, I locked the door and took my pants off trying to cure my cut. I wrapped it in toilet paper and felt it stop bleeding so much and put my pants back on.
To be honest, I had not realized that I was gone for a long time, but I had completely missed all of third hour and some of fourth. Ms. Ortiz gave me a warning and sent me to the office. I could not tell her the real reason I was late, so I just listened and went. I deserved this punishment.
They made me promised to never miss class again and if I did, I got detention which is not that bad. I drowned the conversation out and almost ended up almost missing lunch because of the big lecture on missing class from the assistant principal. He wasn’t the best, but he didn’t swoop down to Mr. Sweetie’s level. Anyone is better than the Sweeties.
I sat by Hayden at lunch and decided to laugh for the first time in a long time. I do not remember why I laughed but it was soothing to laugh with him.
I felt like Hayden knew something was up with me because he loves me, but he never asks. He was the only reason I had second thoughts about suicide. It is for Sabrina though, not me.
I looked over and saw Jessica and Jessica must have been talking about me because when I looked in that direction Jessica whipped her head around the other way. That made me know suicide was for the best.
I was mad that Jessica would talk about me but mostly I just felt hurt from everything. I felt invisible, yet I felt watched. I felt retarded, yet I felt smart. I did not want to finish off school that day I just wanted to go home, lay in my bed, and cry myself to sleep.
Soon enough it was time to go back home, I went home (to Nona and Bill’s) and ate ice cream. I put all of the toppings that they had on my ice cream and barely ate any of it.
Weeks went on like that, and soon it was the last day of school. I was so incredibly happy that school would be over by the end of that day and I was happy because it was almost July.
That day was fun for most students, well the students that had friends and were not depressed. I had multiple cuts up and down my legs, they were all scarred up. Luckily, leggings hid that. That is why I only wear leggings and never shorts, nor jeans.
The next day would be June first and I was already counting down the days.
Hayden’s birthday came, June 19th, and I got him a pack of gum and candy. I thought of the plane when he brought the candy we ate. I gave him a hug and tried not to cry. How could I be so selfish as to leave my best friend forever? But it would be selfish to stay here for Sabrina’s sake. What I am doing is selfless. Or selfish? How?
Today is exactly a month till I perform the selfishly selfless act.