I toss my suitcase on my bed. Unpacking has me feeling sad, but I have nothing else to do this afternoon.
We got back from Alaska about an hour ago. John and Mark had to go to campus and start getting situated for the rest of the week, but I decided to stay in my dorm. I’m tired from the flight and the motion sickness pill I took before we boarded.
I wish we’d never had to leave Alaska. I was so happy there. My mood dropped the second we got back to New York.
It sucks that our interactions can’t be the same here. The freedom and happiness we enjoyed in Alaska are gone. We have to act like we hardly know each other now.
The baby makes the whole situation more complicated. I hate that even though I’m pregnant with their child, I’m not allowed to tell anyone we’re together.
What will this mean for our future? It’ll be obvious that we got together while I was still John and Mark’s student once I start showing. I might have to leave school because of this. Doing so would prevent anyone from finding out about us.
Will Mark and John expect me to do that? Am I supposed to give up my future because of all this?
They wouldn’t do that to me. Not that I would mind staying home with the baby. I’m excited to meet him or her and to take care of the baby with the guys. However, I would love to be able to continue going to school at some point.
I shouldn’t be worrying about this right now. There’s nothing I can do about it. Plus, it’s no use speculating. Mark, John, and I are going to have a talk about all of the details at some point. We have plenty of time to figure it all out; after all, I’m probably only two months pregnant. That gives us seven more months to make plans.
There’s also the issue of my parents. They’re going to freak out when I tell them about the pregnancy. I know they love me, and they won’t disown me or anything, but I know they’ll be worried. They’ll want to know details, and I’m not sure how much I can tell them right now.
That’s another thing to discuss with Mark and John. I think I want them with me when I tell my parents. It’ll be easier than doing it alone.
I make a mental note to ask them. They might not want to be involved with telling my parents.
The door to my dorm opens and in comes Jessica. She startles when she sees me, then runs over to hug me.
“Mari! I was beginning to think you’d never come home.”
“Sorry! Things were just so great in Alaska; it was hard to leave.”
“Girl, I get that. But I’m glad you’re back. I’ve missed you so much!”
“I’ve missed you, too,” I say, pulling her in for another hug. “So much has happened in the last week and a half.”
Jessica sits on my bed, pushing the still-full suitcase to the side. “Well, it’s a good thing I’m done with classes for the day; you can tell me all about it!”
“Don’t you actually have another class?”
Jessica waves me off. “That’s beside the point. Now, tell me everything! Don’t leave out a single detail.”
“Well, if you really want to know everything…”
I start by telling Jessica about the conference itself. She listens patiently as I describe some of the panels I attended, but I can tell she’s getting antsy. I don’t want to tell her the best parts immediately, though. I’m a storyteller. I have to make sure she stays interested the entire time.
I’m on the fifth panel when Jessica finally interrupts me.
“Mari, I love you, but you know this is not what I meant. Tell me about Mark and John!”
I laugh. “You lasted longer than I expected you would.”
“Whatever. Come on. Details!”
“Fine, fine. It was amazing. We really got to know each other on this trip. And we spent a lot of time in nature or at museums. Plus, we spent a lot of time in bed.”
Jessica rubs her hands together. “That’s what I’m talking about!”
“There was so much sex, Jessica. You wouldn’t even believe it.”
“Okay, but what was the best?”
I bite my lip. “It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“Please! I’ve told you so many things about my sex life. You can’t possibly say anything more embarrassing than the car story.”
I chuckle. Jessica had been with a guy in high school, and they were hooking up in his car. She’d accidentally hit the gear shift and put the car in reverse, causing the car to back into a tree. They were still hooking up when the cops showed up. To make matters even worse, the cop who showed up was Jessica’s uncle!
“You’re right. It doesn’t get worse than that,” I concede. “Mark, John, and I went for a hike the night we were originally going to come home. We got lost and had to sleep in the forest. We made love in the dark woods under the cover of some trees.”
“Mari! You had sex in the forest? God, I am so proud of you!”
“It was amazing,” I sigh, reminiscing. “Best sex of my life.”
“Girl, I’m so jealous of you! You’re living my dream life right now.”
I blush. “I don’t know if you’ll think that in a minute.”
“Wait, is everything okay?”
“Yeah! Everything is fine, I promise. It’s just that, well…I’m pregnant.”
Jessica screeches. “Oh my God! You’re pregnant? Mari!”
“I know! It’s crazy.”
“It is crazy, but so awesome. Who is the daddy?”
“I have no idea.”
“Mari!” Jessica repeats, shocked. “You don’t know which guy is the father?”
“No, and we’re not going to find out.”
“Wait, seriously?”
I shake my head. “We’re going to raise the baby together. We don’t need to know who the biological father is.”
Jessica considers this. “That’s crazy, but there are weirder things in life.”
“What do you mean?”
She angles herself toward me. “You’re not the only one who had an eventful week and a half.”
“Oh? What happened?”
“Do you remember that frat we went to? Mu Mu Phi?”
“Of course I do.”
“Well, I’ve become one of their little sisters.”
I scrunch my brow. “What do you mean?”
“Obviously, it’s a frat, so they don’t allow women. But they have this arrangement where they partner up with girls on campus who act as little sisters to the frat. It’s for women who are interested in bisexual relationships. I’ve been working toward little sisterhood since that first night, but I finally got inducted on Friday!”
Jessica is grinning like crazy. This is clearly good for her. I’m happy if she’s happy.
“That’s amazing, Jessica! What do you do as a little sister?”
“Well, officially, we attend a lot of the frat’s events, and we’re basically unofficial members of the group. Unofficially, we service different members.”
“Service them? How?”
“Not like a maid or whatever. We’re sexual partners.”
My eyes widen. “Oh! With Tom, right?”
I know that Jessica has seen him a few times since that first time we went to the MMF house. They’re not dating, but they’re hooking up. I don’t know if Jessica wants anything more from him. She doesn’t seem to care much about relationships. She’s more interested in the sex.
“Yeah, with Tom and this other guy, Raymond.”
This is the first I’m hearing about Raymond. “Who is he?”
“He’s another guy in the frat. He’s bi, too. He, Tom, and I get together to hook up. It’s amazing!”
I stare at her. I never expected this from Jessica.
Then again, I never expected to be in a bisexual relationship myself. Our upbringing in New York was pretty conservative. I had no idea bisexual relationships existed until I got to NYU. It feels like I’ve entered an entirely new world.
I’m glad I know about all of this now. It’s not like I thought gay people were non-existent, but I had no idea how much community and culture is involved with LGBT people. Now, I guess I’m kind of a member. I’m not bi myself, but my boyfriends are. At the very least, I’m an ally. That’s something I learned about online. An ally is someone who supports LGBT rights, even if they’re not LGBT themselves.
I wonder how much Jessica knows about all of this. I’ve been doing research so that I can be more empathetic toward the struggles Mark and John face when people find out their sexuality.
“I had no idea there were so many bisexual people around,” I admit aloud.
Jessica nods. “Right? I was so clueless. Now that I’ve discovered this lifestyle, though, I’ll never go back.”
“Same,” I agree. “I love it too much.”
“Me, too!” Jessica responds. “I know you told me about you, Mark, and John, but until I experienced it for myself, I had no idea how much I was missing out on. I mean, being with one guy is great. But being with two guys at the same time? It’s so much better!”
“Haven’t you…I mean, I remember you telling me once that you’d had a threesome before.”
“Well, yeah, but that was with a guy and a girl. That’s totally different. Being with two guys is way better.”
“How so?”
Jessica grins. “Well, because I get two guys at once, obviously. Plus, there’s something super hot about watching two guys have sex with each other.”
I have to agree. I’m getting a little turned on just thinking about it. I love when Mark and John give me attention, but watching them with each other is almost as good for me. I find it hard not to touch myself when I’m off to the side as they get it on.
“So you watch when Tom and Raymond have sex?”
“Of course. You watch Mark and John, don’t you?”
I nod. “I just wasn’t sure if all relationships were the same.”
“Definitely not. Tom told me that he has been with girls who don’t like to watch when he’s with other guys, but they like to be with both men. Everyone is different. I would be sad if I couldn’t watch them anymore.”
“Me, too. It’s one of the highlights of our…evenings.”
Jessica gives me a sly look. “We both know you don’t limit yourself to the evening.”
I flush. Maybe I shouldn’t have told Jessica so much about my sex life. It is nice to have someone to talk to, though.
I give my best friend a squeeze.
“What was that for?” she asks.
“For being so understanding when I first told you about Mark and John. For listening to me talk about them. And for being someone I can talk to about literally anything.”
“Oh, Mari. You know I love you. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”
I know it’s true. Jessica and I have been through so much together already. Nothing can tear us apart.
I rest my hand on my stomach. “The baby is going to need a godmother. I hope you’re up for the job.”
A tear spills from Jessica’s eye. “Really, Mari? You want me to be the baby’s godmother?”
“I can’t think of anyone I’d rather give the title.”
“I love you, Mari. Of course I’ll be his or her godmother! And I’ll spoil the heck out of this baby. I’m going to be the coolest aunt.”
“I know you will be.”
“Speaking of…what are you going to do about the baby?”
I furrow my brow. “What do you mean?”
“I know you said you don’t want to know who the father is. But how are you going to raise it? Is it going to know which man is its biological dad?”
“I guess if he or she wants to find out someday, then that’s something we’ll discuss. I think it might be obvious when the baby is born who the father is. Mark and John are similar, but they have some distinct features.”
“You just don’t want to take a test?”
“Exactly. We don’t need to. We’re going to raise the baby together.”
“Wow. That’s impressive. Where will you live?”
I shrug. “Haven’t figured that out yet.”
“You had better get on that! I know you’re not due for a while, but you’ll want the guys around to help with your symptoms and stuff. Plus, you should get used to living together before the baby is born so you’re not adjusting to too much at once.”
“That’s a good point. Mark, John, and I agreed we would talk about it once we’re settled back here in New York.”
“Make sure you do it soon. You’ll start showing in just a couple of months.”
I grin. “I know. I can’t wait!”
Knowing I’m pregnant is one thing. My body feels a bit different, and I still get sick in the morning, but that’s it. I’m excited for the physical representation of our love as my belly swells.
“I’m so glad you’re happy. A lot of people would be scared.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m terrified. But it just feels so right with Mark and John. We’re going to raise this baby together, and it’ll be wonderful.”
“You know, your happiness has me thinking.”
“About what?”
“Tom and Raymond. They’d make incredible fathers. What if they got me pregnant, too?”
“Jessica, no!”
“What?” she asks innocently.
I squeeze her arm. “Getting pregnant was an accident. I’m happy, but I’m also only nineteen. It’s crazy. We’re only freshman. I don’t want you to miss out on life events because of a baby too. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get pregnant right now.”
“I know, I know. You’re right. It was just a fun thought. We could’ve raised our babies together, like we’ve always talked about!”
“We can still do that. We’ll just wait a few years, and then I’ll get pregnant again when we’re both ready for kids.”
“I’m holding you to that,” she warns.
“Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll want tons more kids with Mark and John.”
“You know, you’ve only been with them a few months.”
“True, but like I told you, it feels right. I think…well, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with them.”
“Mari! Have you told them?”
“Not yet. I don’t want them to think I’m just saying it because of the baby. In all honestly, I’ve been feeling it for a while now. They’re amazing! Getting to know them has only solidified that I care about them a lot. I can’t imagine my life with anyone but them.”
Jessica grins. “That sounds like love to me. I’m so happy for you! Not only are you having a baby, but you’re having a baby with the men you love. That’s the dream, right there.”
“You’ll have it too, someday,” I assure her.
“I know. And you’re right about the baby thing. Honestly, I can barely take care of myself. I’m in no place to take care of a baby right now.”
“Exactly. I couldn’t do it without Mark and John.”
“They’re going to be great fathers. I know I only know them in class, but I can just tell. They have paternal instincts.”
I smile. I’ve been thinking the same thing. Mark and John care so much about people. They’re smart, strong, and confident men. I hope our child grows up to be just like them.
Of course, I want the baby to be a bit of me, too. I wouldn’t mind sharing my love of nature with my child. Then we could go on hikes and nature walks together when he or she is old enough. I hope the baby gets the guys’ hair, though. Mine is super curly and tangles easily. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
“You’re thinking about the guys as fathers, aren’t you?”
I blink. How long have I been staring into space? Probably too long, considering the way Jessica is looking at me.
“I was mostly thinking about what the baby will look like. And what traits I want him or her to get from me and the guys.”
“That’s adorable. I have an idea!”
Jessica pulls out her phone and fiddles around with it until she finds what she’s looking for. She opens up an app and pulls up a picture of Mark and a picture of me. One button push later, and it’s showing me what our baby will look like.
It’s the perfect combination of Mark and me. It has his hair and chin but my eyes and nose. The baby is adorable!
“Oh! Do John next.”
Jessica finds a picture of John and plugs it in. This time, the baby gets my hair, but it’s not quite as unruly. John’s genes help tame it. This baby is just as cute as the one with Mark was.
“You’re going to have the perfect child no matter who the father is!” Jessica exclaims. “I’m so jealous. You’re so lucky!”
My hand finds my stomach again. I truly am the luckiest girl in the world. Not everyone has two men who love and care for them, and who will love and care for our child. I may be young, but I know this baby is going to live a good life because of his or her fathers and me. We make the perfect team.
“I’m so happy, Jessica,” I say. “I know I keep saying it, but it’s so true.”
Jessica hugs me again. “I’m happy for you. Your life is perfect. Nothing can ruin it.”
We stay in my bed, chatting, for a while longer. Jessica’s words ring through my head the entire time. Nothing can ruin my happiness or the perfect life I’ve built.
I won’t let it.