I feel so incredibly drained.
I spent last night at John’s apartment with him and Mark, but I needed to get back to campus today. They may be suspended from duties indefinitely, but I still have class even though I don’t want to attend.
I made it through both of my classes today, so now, the weekend has finally begun. I’m worried about going back next week, though. Who is teaching now that Mark and John aren’t allowed to? I don’t want some other teacher. I want them.
The dorm room is empty when I get back from class. Jessica must have decided to go today. I’m proud of her. She’s gotten a lot better about doing school work over the last couple of weeks. She still uses her tutor a lot more than she should, but she’s making progress. And that’s what matters.
Going back to school today was double the stress. I only made it to Mark and John’s class yesterday, and that obviously didn’t happen. Today was my first full day back at school since Alaska.
Ugh. I miss Alaska. We never should’ve come home. The situation would be the same, but the guys’ reputations wouldn’t be tarnished. And we’d still be happy.
It’s crazy to think how sad I am now that we’re in New York. This feeling started the second we landed, so it has nothing to do with what happened with Dean Dryer. I knew this would happen. Alaska was a pocket of bliss; New York is dreary in comparison.
I need to be back in nature. Maybe the guys and I can go away for the weekend. I know we’re supposed to talk to my parents this weekend, but with all of this stuff going on at NYU, I’d rather put that conversation off.
My heart sinks. Scandals like this gain attention from all kinds of newspapers, and my parents love to keep up with the news. The story better not break before I have a chance to explain to them what happened.
How am I supposed to do that? Jessica will still come with me, I’m sure. The guys, too.
My parents may have been able to get over the pregnancy. They love me. They only want me to be happy, and anyone can see the guys make me happy. However, knowing that I had a part in getting a professor and a grad student fired? I’m not sure how proud Mom and Dad will be once they find out about that.
I take a few deep breaths. Stress is bad for the baby, like John and Mark warned me yesterday. I can’t do anything that might risk the health of my child. He or she is going to become my entire world in just a few more months.
I rest a hand on my stomach. Everything I do from now on is for this baby. I want him or her to have an incredible life. I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen.
The dorm door opens, and in walks Jessica. She grins when she sees me.
“Mari! I missed you last night. Did you get some?”
I thought I was doing better. That I was all cried out after last night. Apparently, I was wrong.
Just the sight of Jessica causes me to burst into tears.
She rushes over to me. “Oh my God. Mari, what happened? Did you break up?”
“No,” I manage. “It’s so much worse!”
“Is it the baby?”
“No, the baby is fine. We’re in so much trouble, Jessica.”
“You’re not making sense. Tell me what happened.”
Jessica sits on my bed, and I lay my head in her lap. I recite everything that happened after class yesterday. The trip to Dr. Dryer’s office is especially hard to recount, but I know I need to.
My best friend listens quietly until my story is over, stroking my hair as I speak.
“Holy shit,” is all she says when I’m finished. “That’s intense.”
“I know. It’s a fucking mess, Jessica.”
“It’s bullshit is what it is.”
I sit up. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, who does this bitch think she is? The way she got all condescending when you told her that you love them is ridiculous. She doesn’t get to decide how you feel!”
That’s exactly what I had thought when Dr. Dryer was talking to me. The old woman had no right to act like I’m not in control of my feelings. I may be young, but that doesn’t mean I’m an idiot.
“It was so awful, Jessica. I wish you’d been there. The guys couldn’t even talk. She just kept steamrolling them.”
“What’s going to happen?” Jessica asks. “Do they know yet?”
“They’re going to be fired. They’re sure of that. Mark might get kicked out of the PhD program. I don’t think there’s anything more they can do to John, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they tried.”
“God, Mari, I am so sorry. This is truly terrible. I mean, it’s not like you’re the first student to get involved with a professor!”
“No, I just wasn’t careful enough. We shouldn’t have gotten caught.”
“How did they find out about you guys?”
I shrug. “I have no idea. Someone ratted us out. I guess maybe a student or another professor saw us out on a date or something.”
Jessica sighs. “Bullshit,” she repeats.
“It is what it is. There’s nothing I can do about it now.”
“No. I mean, it’s bullshit. Like I said, these relationships happen all of the time. The punishment is never this severe. You’re being brought down for a different reason.”
I furrow my brow. What is Jessica talking about? She always has some other reason for everything. Like how she thought I was with Mark and John to better my grades. She doesn’t think that anymore, but it took a lot to convince her.
“I don’t think so, Jessica. I think they’re just really harsh on punishments.”
Jessica rolls her eyes. “You like to believe the best in people, Mari. Sometimes the reason isn’t so cut and dry.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. This isn’t some massive conspiracy, Jessica. The guys broke the school’s rule. That’s all.”
She scoffs. “Please. That’s not true, and we both know it.”
“We don’t both know it. Can you please bring me up to speed here?”
Jessica gets up off the bed and starts to pace. Sometimes I hate how dramatic Jessica has to be about everything. Can’t she just say what she wants to say without all of the theatrics?
Then again, she wouldn’t be Jessica without a little drama.
“Think about it, Mari. What is different about your relationship with these guys compared to all of the other professor/student relationships that happen?”
“Uh…nothing?”
“Mari.”
“Oh! You mean the fact that there are three of us? That doesn’t mean anything, Jessica. Mark and John got in trouble for their relationship with each other, too.”
“That’s even worse! You’re being punished because you’re in a bisexual relationship!”
Jessica’s words fall between us. I don’t have anything to say in response to that.
I’m trying to keep myself calm, but my palms are sweating. Jessica has a way of talking that always convinces me she’s right, even when she might not be. Like the outfit she made me wear when I went to John’s office the first time!
Of course, in that case, it worked out well. I ended up with two boyfriends out of the deal.
This time, though, I don’t feel as confident. I mean, Jessica is probably just upset on my behalf. I appreciate that about her. But that doesn’t mean there’s some big conspiracy against bisexuals on campus.
“You’re mulling it over. That’s good.”
“I’m trying to decide how full of it you are.”
She laughs. “The only one who’s full of it is the dean. I don’t get why you’re not more angry about this. You’re being targeted for your sexuality!”
“That’s not entirely true. I’m still heterosexual. Mark and John are the ones who are bisexual.”
“Fine. They’re being targeted. It’s semantics. You get what I’m saying.”
“I don’t get it, Jessica. I appreciate that you’re on my side, but I don’t want you to take this too far.”
“I never take things too far.”
I shoot her a look. Once, a tree was going to be cut down in our neighborhood. Jessica knew nothing about the tree or the street where it stood. She just decided that she was going to stop it from being cut down, so she stood in front of it from dawn until dusk for a week.
The tree got cut down anyway because it was super dead and would have been dangerous to keep up. Jessica hadn’t known that it was a safety hazard. She had unintentionally put four houses in danger.
“It was one time!” she exclaims, but we both know that isn’t true. “Okay, fine, but that’s not what’s happening now. I’m telling you, Mari. This punishment is stemming from the bisexual part of your relationship, not the professor/student part.”
“Jessica, it’s written right in the handbook that professors can’t date TA’s and that neither professors nor TA’s can date students. I had to read the stupid page aloud, remember?”
“Yeah, and I’m pissed about that, too. However, I believe that if it had been just you and John involved, the punishment would’ve been less severe.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Want to bet?”
“What?”
“I think I can prove I’m right.”
“If you can prove it, go for it.”
Jessica hops off the bed to get her phone from her coat pocket. She opens up a search engine and starts looking for proof. I doubt she’s going to find anything. I’m not even sure what she thinks she might find. Is there a secret forum for professors who got fired for having illicit relationships with students?
The thought makes me laugh. I should look for a support group to join. Like Jessica said, these kinds of relationships happen all of the time. There’s bound to be a community out there for me.
It seems like a joke, but maybe it would be a good idea. Jessica clearly doesn’t understand what I’m going through. Mark and John do to an extent, but it’s still different for them. They’re set after this because of their other work, but what will I do when this is over? I’m not strong enough for the ridicule I’m sure to face when the story breaks.
“Got it!” Jessica exclaims. “I knew I remembered a story about this recently. Here’s one from last semester, and it happened here at NYU.”
She hands me the phone so I can read the article. It talks about a student and a professor who were caught in a relationship. It even names them both. I guess they’re allowed to do that since they’re both adults. I don’t want my name in an article, though!
At the end of this article, it outlines the punishment that the professor and the student faced.
My jaw hits the floor.
“She was forced to drop his class? That’s it?”
Jessica nods. “See? I told you. The dean may have talked a big game, but you’re being discriminated against. This professor still teaches here, and the student still goes here. Neither of them were actually punished. I doubt they even faced any backlash from their peers.”
This is insane. “Dr. Dryer made it seem like the same punishment would be given to anyone who made this mistake.”
“She was lying. She doesn’t want to get in trouble for forcing out a bi professor and a bi grad student.”
This still seems insane, but the proof is right in front of me in print. Dean Dryer is even named in the article as heading the investigation into the allegations. I can’t chalk it up as different people having different methods when the same woman is involved in both cases.
I start to cry again. Jessica returns to the bed and holds me as I sob into her shoulder.
Tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up with another headache, just like I did this morning. My eyes were only just starting to lose their puffiness, and here I go bringing it back. I hate crying. I blame the pregnancy for all of these tears.
Then again, I think I’d be upset even if I wasn’t pregnant. This is all a lot to handle, especially knowing what I know now.
I may not have believed Jessica when she first started spewing her theory, but I can’t deny the evidence she’s presented.
“Jessica, I’m so fucking scared.”
She strokes my hair. “Don’t be, sweetie. You have me, and you have Mark and John. You have this baby. Everything is going to be okay.”
I cry harder. “I don’t know what’s going to happen with the guys. What if they resent me for this?”
“They won’t. They knew what they were doing when they started dating you. You’re not to blame.”
“That’s what they said, but I’m not so sure…”
“Be sure, Mari. No one is to blame here. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know it isn’t wrong in my heart, but it’s wrong according to the NYU handbook. That’s what matters.”
Jessica scoffs. “It obviously doesn’t. Look at how the others were punished! They weren’t. Yet Mark and John are going to be punished – probably fired. What matters is that the school board is against bisexual relationships.”
Jessica continues to rant about the injustice I’m facing, but my mind is on Mark and John. They seem so confident in everything. I wish I shared their confidence.
Mark is sure he can earn enough money playing cards to support a family. Is that a realistic goal? What if he loses his touch? What if the site he uses is shut down? What if they make gambling illegal? These are all very real possibilities to consider. I can’t put my baby in danger by relying on something like online cards unless Mark can assure me that nothing bad will happen.
Then there’s John. He claims that he’s not going to Nepal, but how long will that resolution last? He said it himself: he has a wandering foot. John wants to travel. He’ll resent me if I make him stay in the United States. I don’t want that. Even worse, he might resent our child.
Is what we have enough to survive this hurdle? We’ve only been together for a few months.
Regardless of my fears, I’m not giving up. I meant it when I said I love Mark and John. They love me, too. We’re perfect together. I’m terrified, but I believe in our love.
I just hope it’s enough.
“And even worse, Dr. Dryer is targeting you!”
I startle. Jessica has been talking the entire time I’ve been lost in my head.
“I’m sorry, what?”
Jessica stares at me. “Have you been listening to me at all?”
I bite my lip. “No. What were you saying?”
“The gist is that we need to do something about this.”
“What are you talking about? There’s nothing that can be done.”
“Well, you know I have a personal stake in this. I’m in a bisexual relationship as well.”
“That’s different. Neither of your guys work at the university.”
Jessica nods. “That’s true, but do you really think they’ll stop with staff members? If the university is biased against bisexual relationships, they’ll find a way to stop all of them. MMF will be banned from campus. Bisexual students will start being expelled for random reasons.”
“You’re getting carried away again.”
“Am I?”
I want to say yes, but I’m not so sure anymore. Everything Jessica is saying seems plausible at this point. I wouldn’t be surprised if they found a way to get rid of anyone in a bisexual relationship on campus.
I thought this university was so accepting. They act like they’re friendly toward all sexualities, but only if the relationship is two people, I guess.
“So this is about you, but it’s about me, too. I’ve been thinking while you’ve been ignoring me.”
“I wasn’t ignoring you!”
“You were, but that’s fine. Anyway, I’m going to organize a rally.”
I bark out a laugh. “A rally? You’re going to organize an entire rally over this?”
“Why not? You need the help. Mark and John shouldn’t be fired over this. And I need to protect the future of the fraternity. It’s a win all around!”
“Jessica, this all sounds really sweet, but I don’t think… Mark, John, and I aren’t ready to be out in the open with all of this.”
“It’s going to get out, Mari. You should get ahead of it.”
“I don’t know. This sounds like a lot.”
“It is a lot. But you don’t have to do anything but show up, okay? I’ll handle everything.”
I think about it for a minute. The gesture is really nice of Jessica. She’s trying to help me. I’ve never seen her so passionate about anything. If she wants to put her whole heart into the cause, who am I to stop her?
“I can’t be a part of this. You have to leave us out of it as much as you can.”
Jessica grins. “Yes! I will, I promise. I won’t do anything to expose you without getting your approval first.”
I pull my best friend in for a hug. “Thank you, Jessica.”
We talk a bit more about everything, and I feel lighter already. Jessica is the best person to have on my side. The fact that she wants to have a rally in my honor is heartening.
I’m not sure what the guys are going to say. I hope they feel the same as I do. I doubt the rally will prevent them from losing their jobs, but it might help change the minds of some staff members. At the very least, it’ll call attention to the bias present at the University.
I’d much rather the attention be there than on me.