THIRTEEN

It didn’t explode, exactly. More like it was murdered. WHAM! It pounded against the wall. Then it hung from one hinge, teetered for a few seconds and finally keeled over, dead on the floor.

“You know that wasn’t locked,” said Nico.

Two cops stepped over it. One was big all over, with short gray hair. The other was tall, thin and younger. The thin one was holding his arm and wincing.

“You could have just knocked.” Nico tsk-tsked.

They ignored him. Instead, they both glared at me. “Are you Gina Gallo?” demanded the big one.

I gulped. “I’m the real Gina Gallo,” I said. “Not the fake one that’s been on the news.”

“Sure, sister,” said the skinny cop. “You can tell us all about it at the station.”

Crap. The thin dude looked a lot like my cop nemesis at home. “Your last name wouldn’t happen to be Spenser, would it?” I asked him.

His face went snarly. “That one of your victims?”

I moaned and looked over at Nico. “Go with them,” he said. “Tell them everything, including the credit-card and Amazon fraud.”

“Find Pete!” I said as I walked out the door. “Don’t let him think I’m running out on him!”

“I’ll tell Salvo and Frank. They’ll know what to do,” Nico yelled after us.

We were in the police car, driving down the strip, when the thin cop pointed out the window. “Why are there so many crows hanging around? We don’t usually get crows right in town.”

I banged my head on the back of the seat in front of me.

I hate cop shops. Which is really unfortunate, since I tend to visit them a lot.

This one was standard issue, gray and dismal. I find they all use the same interior decorator. Not only that, but all stations smell the same. Old pizza and stale coffee. Another thing I hate? They’re noisy. Phones are constantly ringing. This station was especially noisy, as it was filled with customers.

Someone had taken the time to put up a spindly fake Christmas tree in the corner. It had some dollar-store decorations on it. Mainly plastic toy pistols in bright fluorescent colors. Orange, green, yellow and pink. Cop humor.

The big cop told me to sit on a steel bench and wait. I plunked my butt down. An older woman immediately to my right looked over.

“You new here, honey? Never seen you before.”

I smiled sadly and said, “Hi. I’m from Canada.”

My benchmate nodded. She appeared to be about fifty years old. She wore a pink leather miniskirt and a skimpy pink T-shirt. Her bra size seemed too big for her dress size, if you get my drift. She had bleached blond hair, and her colorful face owed a lot to Revlon. It was pretty clear she had spent a long time in a certain career. It was also obvious that she thought I shared her line of work.

“Goin’ for the ‘girlfriend experience’ look, are you? Nice and classy. Good for you. I couldn’t pull it off anymore.” She patted my arm.

I almost groaned out loud. As if things weren’t bad enough. Now I was being taken for a hooker on the strip. On my wedding day! I wanted to cry. Where was Aunt Miriam when I needed her?

The big cop came over and gestured with his arm. “Come on, Ms. Gallo. Interview time.”

“Be nice to her, Bill. It’s Christmas! And she’s new in town,” said my new friend.

“Shirley, you’re just too naïve for your own good, you know that?” said Bill, shaking his head. “You always pick the winners. This one is bad, through and through.”

“Hey!” I said. “No, I’m not. I’m…” What was I? Not good, exactly. I was stumped.

Bill reached for my arm. “Come on. We have a nice little interview room with your name on it.”

“Um, Bill?” said a female officer behind the counter. “You need to come here for a minute first.”

While Bill went to the counter, I gazed glumly at the corkboard behind it. Wanted posters. I shivered and looked for my own face. Phew. At least my Facebook photo wasn’t on there yet.

Bill and the officer behind the counter were having a heated discussion. Why were they taking so long? Every now and then Bill glanced over at me. His face was in permanent-frown mode. My cell phone binged. I looked down at the email. It was from Stoner. The corners of my mouth turned up in a smile. My weird, nerdy friend had come through. Not only that, but the result of Stoner’s…um…research proved that the gods were smiling on me for once.

I thanked my friend profusely by email. A steak dinner out would be coming to Stoner. I’d also provide special treats for his faithful companion, Toke, the giant black poodle with a Mohawk hairdo.

Funny how things work out. I guess I might have predicted it. Anyhow, no need to involve the family back home. I forwarded the message to my new relatives, Salvo and Frank, with an explanation.

I looked up from my phone to find the place still packed. Someone else’s name was called. I watched as another officer escorted the unlucky customer into the back.

Then I started to fret. I had already missed my hair appointment. I should be getting dressed for the big event. Meanwhile, the big clock on the wall continued to mark off time.

“Oh, no!” I cried. “It’s after three!” I had to get out of there!

“What’s wrong, sugar?” said my benchmate.

“I have to be at the chapel in less than an hour!” I said. “I’m getting married!” And then I burst into tears.

“Oh, poo, sweetie. Here, let me think of something.” Shirley put her arm around me. “There must be something we can do.”

We spent another few minutes like that, me quietly sniffling into her shoulder.

Finally Shirley raised her head. “How about I create a distraction? And you make a run for it.”

I looked up. “But how?”

The corners of her mouth turned up in a grin. “The way that always works.”

Her arms released me. Before I could say anything, Shirley stood up. She walked over to the counter and turned around. She reached down with both hands and pulled her T-shirt over her head. Then she threw it at a handsome young cop who had just come in the front door. It hit him square in the face. The other cops looked gobsmacked.

“Yee-haw!” she whooped. All eyes were turned on her now. As if on cue, Shirley reached behind her and undid the hooks of her Wonderbra.

“Hey, boys, it’s hot in here. Ain’t it hot?” She twirled the bra around her head like a lasso.

My new friend was a pro, all right. The room erupted in yells and cusswords.

“Shirley, what the hell kind of…” Bill charged out from behind the counter. “Jesus Christ!” He tried to reach for the flying bra without actually touching Shirley. That was tricky. A lot of Shirley was bobbling around uncontrollably. It was mesmerizing. I could hardly move my eyes away. Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one.

Bill was on a mission though. He caught one strap of the bra as it passed through the air, and that started a tug-of-war.

It was the perfect distraction. Cops and suspects started calling odds. This was Vegas, after all.

God bless Shirley and Wonderbra. I silently made my way to the front and started sneaking toward the door.

I never made it. This is because Salvo, Nico and Lainy burst through the entrance.

“We’re here!” yelled Nico. “And Lainy has your wedding dress!”

Everyone stopped moving. Salvo made his way through the packed bodies to the counter. He said a few words to the sergeant. They seemed to know each other. The cop smiled, laughed and waved his hand in the air.

I was absolutely baffled.

Salvo turned back to me. “Sergeant Doherty here says you can use the interview room to change, Gina. I’ll stay here and complete the paperwork.”

“I can go?” I said hopefully.

Bill grunted. He let go of his end of the bra. “Seems you have some big-shot relations in town who will vouch for you. They say it’s all a mistake.”

“It is,” I said, nodding my head. “A case of mistaken identity.” In fact, it was identity theft. But I didn’t want to waste any more time explaining. I had a wedding to get to!

“There should be just enough time to make it to the chapel,” said Nico, practically bouncing up and down. “Go, go, go!” He pointed to the little room.

Lainy rushed into the room first. I dashed to the doorway, then turned back. I looked over at topless Shirley and waved. She winked back.

The room had a few chairs, a steel desk and no window. I dropped my purse and cell phone down on the desk and undressed in record time. As I wiggled into the flowing gown, my cell phone binged again.

I pointed to it. “Hand that to me,” I said to Lainy. “It’s important.”

The email was from Frank Portobello himself. It put a big fat smile on my face. “I think my little problem has just been solved,” I said.

“Tell me,” said Lainy.

“Stoner found the person who has been impersonating me,” I said.

“What? How?” she asked.

“He hacked into Sugar Daddy dot com. Then he isolated the IP address of the computer used to create my fake account. Tracked it down to a street address right here in Vegas.”

I slipped the cell phone into my purse and turned around to be zipped up.

“Wow! That’s terrific. Is he going to tell the police here?” Lainy finished zipping.

“Oh, I don’t think that will be necessary. That email was from Frank. He said he would take care of it. In fact, I think it’s being handled at this very moment.” I didn’t know exactly how he would handle it. One thing I’ve learned in this family is you don’t need to know everything.

“That makes sense,” said Lainy. “Frank believes in keeping family problems in the family. There’s something of the Wild West about him.”

I would remember to thank him later. At least the nightmare of identity theft would be over for me. Not only that, but this con artist wouldn’t be hurting any other innocent people in the near future. That made me feel good.

Nico would be glad to hear all this. I’d tell him as soon as we were out of here. Pete—well, Pete didn’t have to know everything, at least not now. Why spoil a perfectly good honeymoon?

I turned around. Lainy smiled her approval. “You look sensational.”

“So do you,” I said. Her country-and-western bridesmaid dress gleamed with rhinestones. Lainy was doing me proud.

“Ready to rumble? The clock is a-ticking.”

“Let’s go!” I said.

I held up the skirt of my gown and left the interview room. Nico gave a loud wolf whistle. The front room exploded in clapping.

My new friend whooped. I was relieved to see she was back in bra and T-shirt.

“Bye, Shirley! Thank you!” I said.

“You’re welcome, honey! Gawd, you look like a million bucks.”

I blew her a kiss from the door.