mine only from now on?”
“I feel like I belong here.”
“it’s scary how much you look like anna karina. it’s scary how beautiful you are. you are going to destroy me.”
am i always going to feel like this? uncomfortable, tired, bored, irritable, depressed.
“i feel exhausted.”
“[being around you makes me feel depressed.]”
“how is marie?”
“insufferable.”
“it’s like she has never interacted with another human being, ever.”
“she’s so weird and boring. i don’t know how much longer i can take being around her.”
“Baby.”
“i feel like a monster. last night you kept telling me to ‘stop’, and i didn’t.”
“we were just playing.”
actually, trying to push him off of me was one of the most erotic and pleasurable experiences of my life.
“i told her i liked her.”
“i guess i just wanted to see how you’d react.”
he’s mean to me for fun.
[“I do actually like you a lot … I’m afraid of my feelings for you …. I’m like a little boy who teases a girl he likes.”]
he doesn’t feel that way at all. he’s just trying to manipulate me. over the internet i became interested in him because he talked about being manipulative. he seemed very intelligent.
i felt a connection to him, i wanted to be around him.
“I want to be close to you.”
“we are close. we’re laying on a twin mattress together.”
“You know what I mean. Why will you feel ‘relieved’ when I go home on Friday?”
“We’ve already had this conversation.”
am i not even worth talking to?
“i feel alone in the world right now.”
“i guess i always feel that way, but i don’t really think about it.”
he didn’t come home until 4 A.M. i stayed up until 2 A.M. waiting for him. eventually i fell asleep, using his jacket as a blanket. i woke up to him looking down at me, smiling, while he stroked my hair. i felt like i wanted to be very kind to him from then. i felt very happy and warm. i wanted to be with him. i want to be his. i wanted to always be with him so he could always show me affection like that. i wanted him to always be stroking my hair. i’m physically very beautiful, but my personality is terrible.
my life is stupid. it should be ended immediately.
“you don’t have it in you to make a work of art.”
later i would apologize for saying that to him.
“i have mixed-feelings about you.”
i like my life here.
“We’ve already had this conversation.”
There have always been many, many, many men who have fallen in love with the idea of Marie Calloway, and now that you’re a micro-celeb it’s only intensifying. When are you going to learn your lesson?
“i could change my ticket easily so i don’t leave on friday, but i guess you don’t want me to.”
“yeah, i guess i’d prefer it if you didn’t change it.”
“i don’t think you’re in love with me.”
i hate it when other people try to tell you how you feel.
he laughed at me. “It’s okay.
You’re not in love with anyone!”
“you’ve been very sweet and
cute the past day or two. i feel
like i’d be very attracted to you
if i hadn’t already seen a side of
you i didn’t like.”
how could someone be so cruel
he won’t even touch me.
just say you hate me already. please be honest. i’m not even worth that, to him.
“i’m not a doll.” i’m not either.
all of that effort for nothing.
i guess i admire his life
working at american apparel and art movie theatre with many cool attractive hipster friends and always going out and being v social and well liked
my life isn’t like that at all
and i liked cuddling/sex/etc with him
how could he dislike me so much
“[You’re too sexually forward. It’s very unarousing.”]
i know he only saw me as a concept; marie calloway the writer who is friends with tao lin and does readings in new york so nothing i could have done would have made him love me but it hurts very much not to be liked
What terrible things is he texting his friends
about me?
“i feel like you don’t want to be around me.”
“that’sallthat i want to do today.”
no, you want me to go home. please
stop pretending to like me to be polite. it’s humiliating.
“come out with me. don’t sulk in my bed all day, it’s depressing.”
“i’m sorry.”
you have to understand. there’s nothing
you can do that will make him comfort you,
not crying, not sleeping on the couch. you
mean nothing to him.
I’m sure he thinks I’m insane. But I’m not insane!!
i’m tired; i tried.
i wish i were normal.
i wish i were normal.
i wish i were normal.
i wish i were normal.
i wish i were normal.
i wish i were normal.
i wish i were normal.
i wish i were normal.
“Please don’t be mean after I leave.”
“I’m never mean!”
i feel very sad and alone in the world. maybe i’m incapable of being loved like this. how can i fix myself?
~fin~
p.s.:
