CHAPTER 11

“You can leave me here,” Tally tells Dad, glancing anxiously around. The last thing she needs is for the others to see her being escorted into the shopping centre by her father. She’d never live it down, although the idea of having to walk inside on her own is making her legs feel like jelly. Anything could happen to her in between leaving Dad and meeting the girls. She’s pretty sure that most kidnappings happen in places like this.

“Absolutely not,” Dad says firmly, and Tally’s shoulders sink under the double whammy of relief and shame. “I’ll walk you in and we’ll find the place you’re meeting them. And once we see them, I’ll stay back and they’ll never even know I was there.”

Inside, the shopping centre is heaving with people. Tally stays close to Dad as they weave their way through the throngs, heading towards the doughnut stand which is where Lucy has told her to meet them. As they approach the food court, Tally’s stomach writhes like it’s filled with snakes. Nell took her to one side this morning and told her that she should be prepared for them not to be there; that the whole thing could be one big joke to make her feel bad. Tally isn’t sure how Nell telling her this is supposed to make anything easier, but she knows her big sister was trying to be helpful, even if all she succeeded in doing was making Tally feel like she might throw up.

And then the doughnut stand comes into sight and there they are. Lucy, Ayesha and Jasmine. And standing next to them, deep in conversation, is Annie with the unicorn hair. Tally’s heart leaps in her chest and she turns quickly to Dad.

“They’re here!” she exclaims. “I knew Nell was talking rubbish.”

Dad stares across at the girls, who haven’t noticed them yet. “Are you really happy for me to leave you?” he checks. “I can always stay here and have a coffee so that you know I’m close by. I can head to the music shop another time.”

Tally shakes her head. The idea of Dad going to the other side of town is pretty worrying, but nowhere near as bad as the thought of the other girls spotting him waiting for her at the shopping centre.

“I’ll be fine,” she tells Dad. “Just go.”

Dad presses his lips together. “OK,” he agrees. “But I’ll be waiting outside the main entrance at twelve thirty. You know, the doors where we came in?”

“I know.” Tally scowls. “Now leave before they see you.”

She turns and starts to head across the food court, glancing back once to ensure Dad has followed her instructions and gone back to the car. And then, ignoring everything else, she focuses on getting past the tables and chairs and prams and baskets and people, people, people and walks over to where her friends are waiting.

“You came!” squeals Ayesha, waving wildly as Tally approaches. She turns to Jasmine. “You owe me a quid!”

Jasmine grimaces. “Damn,” she mutters. “I was sure she’d bottle it.”

“Now Tally’s finally here, we can do some shopping,” says Lucy, looking pointedly at the clock hanging from the balcony. “Come on – I’ve got a long list.”

She marches off with Ayesha and Jasmine on either side of her. Tally falls in behind, next to Annie.

“I thought we were meeting at ten thirty,” she mutters. “I didn’t think I was late. Am I late? Were we supposed to be meeting earlier?”

“I don’t know,” Annie tells her. “I just bumped into them a few minutes ago and they asked me to join you. And, seeing as I don’t know anyone else around here, I thought I’d hang with you guys for a bit.”

“Come on!” calls Lucy. “We’ve wasted enough time as it is. Let’s have some fun.”

Tally and Annie speed up and join the others, and the next hour consists of what Lucy calls fun, but Tally defines as mindlessly dull. She trails from shop to shop, watching the others try on clothes that they’re not going to buy and examine make-up that costs more than Tally’s entire monthly pocket money, the whole time urging her to relax and join in. Even Annie seems to enjoy dancing in and out of changing rooms, putting on one item of clothing after another while Tally slumps against the wall and pretends to be interested.

“Come on, Tally,” urges Lucy, in the fourth shop that they visit. “Try on this top. It’s really boring if you just stand there. You might as well have not bothered to come.”

Tally frowns. Lucy knows she’s not into this stuff. If Layla were here, she’d never pressure Tally to try on new clothes. She’d suggest that they go and look at the fish in the aquarium downstairs or get an ice cream from the cart by the entrance.

But Layla isn’t here.

“Let’s both try it on,” suggests Annie. “Look – I’ve got it here in red but that aquamarine will look amazing with your eyes.”

She smiles encouragingly at Tally and her face is so kind and open and honest that Tally relaxes for a second. She takes the top and slips into the cubicle next to Annie, pulling off her soft, comfortable T-shirt and replacing it with the top that Lucy has chosen.

“Let’s see!” clamours Ayesha and, before Tally can tell her that it doesn’t fit, the curtain is whisked back and they’re all standing there, observing her with critical eyes.

“Perfect!” declares Lucy, hands on her hips. “I knew it would be – I’ve got an eye for these things.”

“I love this top so much!” Annie pulls back her own curtain. “And, Tally, you look incredible!”

Tally turns to look at her reflection. She might look incredible, but she doesn’t feel it. The top is scratchy and rubs against her neck and if she has to wear it for another second she might actually scream.

“Give us a twirl,” demands Jasmine. “Let’s see the back.”

Tally grits her teeth and turns in an awkward circle, before dashing inside the cubicle again and pulling the curtain firmly closed. It isn’t until the top is yanked off and thrown on the floor and her own familiar T-shirt is safely back on that she can breathe properly. She’s done what they wanted and maybe now she can relax.

Back out in the shop, the girls are waiting as she and Annie emerge from the changing room. They start hanging the tried-on clothing on the unwanted rail and then Lucy leaps forward and takes the tops from their hands.

“You have to get these,” she says. “You both looked so good in them.”

Annie laughs. “Yeah, right. Have you seen how much they cost? There’s no way I can afford to buy this.”

She flips over the price tag and Tally peers at the number on the card. Mum gave her a bit of money for today’s shopping trip, enough for a snack and a drink and maybe something small – but this horrible scratchy top costs three times what she has in her pocket.

Lucy pushes the red top into Annie’s hands and then passes the other to Tally.

“Who said anything about buying it?” she asks softly.

Everything stops.

Tally stands very still, her eyes fixed on the frozen scene in front of her.

Lucy’s eyebrows, raised in a question.

Annie’s forehead, wrinkled in surprise.

Ayesha and Jasmine’s mouths, turned up in a smirk.

Her own breath, held inside, while her brain whizzes through all the possible options for what is being suggested.

And then Annie laughs and the world speeds up again. People barge past them and a loud shop announcement over the tannoy system makes Tally jump and surely, surely, surely this is all just a big joke?

“You’re kidding, right?” Annie smiles at Lucy.

Lucy grins back. “Nope. If you want it then you should just take it.”

She isn’t kidding. It’s not a joke.

Annie shakes her head. “Yeah, I don’t think so.”

Ayesha looks pointedly at Lucy and Jasmine. “I told you she wouldn’t be chill,” she tells them.

Jasmine pulls a sad face. “I did not think you’d be chicken,” she says to Annie.

“It’s just a top.” Lucy’s voice holds a clear challenge. “We’re not suggesting you rob a bank or anything.”

Annie rolls her eyes and reaches over to hang the top on the rail. “Whatever,” she tells them. “I’d say it’s been a pleasure, but I’d rather not lie.” She glances at Tally. “Are you staying with them or do you want to come with me and get an ice cream?”

Getting away from this shop and Lucy’s suggestion is all that Tally wants right now. In fact, the idea of going with Annie and getting an ice cream sounds like exactly what she needs. She opens her mouth to reply but Lucy beats her to it.

“I hope you enyoy spending time on your own,” she says to Annie, her eyes narrowing. “Because nobody at Kingswood Academy is going to want to hang out with someone as lame as you.” She shoots a look at Tally and delivers the punchline. “Nobody who cares about having any friends, that is.”

Tally shuts her mouth and clutches the top in her hands. If she goes with Annie now, then she’ll have thrown away everything she’s worked so hard to get. And Lucy, Ayesha and Jasmine are her friends, aren’t they? She might not always like what they do but that’s the thing about having friends – you forgive them when they do stuff that isn’t great and, in return, they look out for you. Layla warned her how tricky it would be to deal with year eight on her own and now she’s been given the chance to be part of the group, she can’t do anything to jeopardize her position.

“Tally?” Annie gives her a concerned look. “You don’t have to stay, you know? You can make up your own mind.”

But that’s the problem. She doesn’t know if she can, because every time she tries to make her own decision, it goes wrong. She needs the girls, no matter how much they make her head buzz with worry. She needs to be inside the group because being on the outside is just too scary.

“Don’t tell Tally what to do.” Lucy puts one hand on Tally’s arm. “Just because you’re not brave enough to take the top doesn’t mean she’s as pathetic as you.”

“Tally is super brave,” agrees Ayesha. “Aren’t you?”

Tally hesitates. Jade and Gory think she’s brave, or they used to anyway, and Mum is always telling her how courageous she is. They must all know something that she doesn’t, because the last thing she’s feeling right now is brave. But maybe she can be.

She gives a tiny nod.

“Excellent!” Lucy claps her hands. “OK, here’s what we’re going to do. We’ll go outside and wait for you so that it doesn’t look too suspicious. And after a couple of minutes, you can hide the top under your T-shirt and follow us out. OK?”

“OK.” The word has left Tally’s mouth before she can stop it.

Annie looks at her disappointedly and then shrugs. “You don’t have to do this,” she tells her one last time. Then she’s gone, stalking through the shop with stiff shoulders, pushing through the other shoppers and away.

“Finally,” says Ayesha. “She was the most boring person I have ever met in my entire life.”

“She was actually even more boring than Tally,” snorts Jasmine. “No offence.”

“Shut up,” snaps Lucy. “Tally isn’t boring. She’s one of us and she’s about to prove that.” She gives Tally a quick look. “You know what to do, right? It’s all good.”

The three girls turn and walk away, leaving Tally smiling and nodding at their retreating backs, although her body is lying. She doesn’t know what to do and none of this is good. She’s never stolen anything in her life and she doesn’t even know if she actually can. All she does know is that she has two choices. Put the top back on the rail and walk out of here with her conscience intact and her social life in pieces. Or shove it under her T-shirt and leave the shop with a heavy heart but her place in the group secure and safe.

As is so often the case, her choices aren’t real choices at all.

Is it a RED day, an AMBER day or a GREEN day?

On a RED day, there is absolutely nothing I can do to get to school, short of my parents tying me up and transporting me on a stretcher. Actually, I’d better not give them ideas. To be honest, it feels like that’s almost what happens on some days.

On an AMBER day, I really am panicky about going to school, but if I’m supported in the right way I may be able to find enough strength to just about push myself. This is a delicate balance, and at any time I could move to RED if something goes wrong, like Dad talking too much, or finding out that Layla isn’t going to be in, or realizing I have a lesson like PE, which is just the worst.

On a GREEN day, even if I wake up negative, I can get into school. Don’t think I’m happy about it, but I’ve either focused on something positive that’s happening there – which is usually friendship based – or I’m feeling strong enough to put on a front. And of course when I feel that way I try and go with as little fuss as possible, because I know how much it means to Mum and Dad and I just want to make them happy for once instead of always stressed. On GREEN days I’m pretty much masking – working hard to hide my true feelings. That’s exhausting and ends up taking its toll when I get home and let my true feelings out. That’s when Mum, Dad and Nell really have to watch out.

The hard thing is I won’t always be able to tell my parents if it’s a RED, AMBER or GREEN day. Sometimes I’m not sure myself. So they have to kind of work that out by tuning into me.

Three things parents need to know about school anxiety

1. If it’s a RED day, please don’t make your child feel any worse than they already do. When my parents tell or show me how stressed they are, it just makes me feel more anxious and guilty and I can’t stop that coming out in anger. Then that makes me feel even worse because I start thinking that they are having a horrible life all because of me.

2. Punishments do not work! If I’m already saying I CAN’T go then threatening me with taking away my phone is not going to make me turn it all around. This assumes I can go to school and I’m just choosing not to. I already feel terrible, but this makes it worse.

3. Bribery doesn’t work either, but sometimes having something nice to look forward to does. I know it sounds like the same thing, but it’s all about how it’s done. If my mum says, “Don’t forget after school today we are bathing Rupert,” or, “I’m really excited about taking you shopping at the weekend, just three more days at school,” then it might help me to focus my brain on that instead of the worry about school, and I might be able to get through. I say might because things that work one day don’t always work on another.