14

 

 

He was leaving. She knew it. She could tell by the way he was avoiding her. Every attempt she had made to gloss over that kiss had been politely rejected. It was as though he’d made up his mind and no matter what she did, it wasn’t enough. Suzanne blamed herself and her stupid reaction, making a joke, instead of being real. She had wondered who she was now, besides being a mother. Obviously, a comedienne wasn’t high on the list.

Finally, after three days of awkwardness, she couldn’t take it anymore and she asked Charlie if she could speak to him after they’d had dinner and she put Matty to bed for the night. Now it was here, the moment she had been waiting for, and she prayed she would have the right words this time.

He had lit a fire earlier as the evening had turned cool, and Suzanne was glad, since the fire definitely made it more intimate. Dressed in jeans and a pale blue cotton sweater, she sat on the sofa, pulling her legs up under her and staring into the low flames as she waited for him to join her. He came into the room, bringing with him a cup of tea. Placing it on the other side of the coffee table, he bent over and picked up another piece of wood, then added it to the fire. Suzanne watched as the dark cooling embers flashed with brilliance and several trails of ash scattered up the sooted chimney like shooting stars.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” she whispered to his back.

He became very still for a few prolonged moments, and then stoked the fire. “Yes, Suzanne. I am. After you move into the new place. It’s time I took off on my own.”

“Why?” she pleaded. “We were doing so well together until that other night in the kitchen. I messed everything up, Charlie. I’m sorry.”

He turned around and she was again reminded of how much she was attracted to him. Dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved white shirt, he smiled at her with such affection that she had to bite the inside of her cheek not to moan with a mixture of sadness and regret.

“You didn’t mess up anything. I had been thinking about this for some time now. I can’t depend on your kindness any longer. I have to strike out on my own and try to make my way in this strange new world I find myself in.”

“Why, Charlie? Why can’t you stay with us?” she asked, placing her feet on the floor and leaning forward to him. “I’ll pay you a decent salary, more than you could—”

“For what?” he interrupted softly. “Doing housework? Minding a baby?” He joined her on the edge of sofa and smiled. Looking down to his cup of tea, he added, “I never knew how hard it all was. Trying to find the time to wash clothes, or a dozen other things, and take care of a little one at the same time. And I don’t even have to feed him. I have a new respect for women, but I don’t want to do it anymore, Suzanne. It’s not me. I need to be out there, in the world, finding my place. It isn’t here.” He raised the cup to his lips and sipped.

“Okay,” she said, yet not willing to give up. “I can understand that. But why do you have to go away? Can’t you find your place and still live close to us?”

He looked at her then, and she could see the pain in his eyes. “Suzanne, there’s nothing here for me. The land is gone. Everything I knew no longer exists. My life…” he paused, as though stifling a thought, then finished, “It’s all gone.”

“I’m here,” she blurted out. “And Matty. We… we care about you.”

His face softened. “And I’m very grateful for that. I, too, care about you both. Probably more than I should. And, well… that’s another reason why I have to go.”

She would not cry, even though it felt like her heart was breaking. In that moment, she realized, as crazy as it was, she had been falling in love with an incredible man, a man who had time-traveled into her life and had captured her heart. Taking a deep breath, she whispered, “I’ve lost everyone, Charlie, please don’t let me lose you too. I promise I won’t ask you to do any more housework. I’ll take care of Matty. You can go and find some manly job if that’s what you want. Just don’t go, please.”

He looked into her eyes and held out his arm. “Come here, woman,” he whispered, in a rough voice.

She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer as she closed the space between them. Enveloped in his warm embrace, she clung to him and cried, “Don’t go, Charlie. I’m sorry for making a joke after you kissed me. I… I was so rattled and—”

“Shh,” he whispered above her head as he stroked her back and shoulders. “Don’t ever think you’ve done anything wrong. It isn’t about that. It’s about me, Suzie.”

“What? What is it?” she begged, looking up at him.

He reached down and gently placed a piece of hair behind her ear. “I have nothing to offer you, Suzanne. Nothing. A man doesn’t come to a woman like that.”

“That is what this is all about? Charlie, it doesn’t matter. I’ll have more than enough for both of us for two lifetimes! You can’t be serious.” Relief swept through her and she changed position, pulling her legs up onto the sofa and laying across his chest so she could face him. God, it all felt so natural, so right.

“I’m very serious,” he said, adjusting to her changed position. He now held her in his arms and looked into her eyes with a grave expression. “I don’t want your money. I don’t want to live like that. Can’t you understand I have to do this my way? I have to get out there and see what I can make of myself.”

“This is about pride?”

“This is about what’s right.”

What she felt was right at that moment was for her to remedy the blunder she’d made in the kitchen the other night. “Kiss me, Charlie.” It was bold, but she was desperate not to lose him, for she could feel how serious he was about this. And it was the only way she could think how to fix it.

He smiled into her eyes with tenderness. “That’s not going to change anything. Things are the way they are, and we must play our cards as they’ve been dealt.”

“Kiss me,” she whispered, leaning even closer to him. “I’m asking.”

She heard his quick intake of breath, as he lifted his face to meet hers. When his lips barely grazed hers, he breathed, “This won’t solve anything,” into her mouth and hesitated less than an inch from her face, not pulling away.

“Don’t talk,” she whispered back. “We’ve already said enough.” She smiled teasingly at him, hoping he’d know she was giving him back his own words.

The sly smirk on his face let her know he knew what had just happened and he pulled slightly away. “Sweet Jesus, Suzanne, you’re not making this easy.”

“Good. I don’t want it to be easy,” she murmured, just as she closed the space between them and pressed her lips firmly to his. She felt him equal her insistence and their kiss deepened.

He pulled her into his body and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, clinging to him, willing him to know how much she wanted him with her. After so long, she finally had the freedom to touch him, to feel the strength of his muscles, the silkiness of his hair as she ran her fingers through it… nearly desperate for the contact; to caress as much of him as she could. She opened her mouth to accept his exploration, while feeling his hand skimming over her breast then sliding down her sides to her waist. She felt the reverberation of his moan deep in her throat when he clutched her hips and pulled her completely against him.

He wanted her. She knew it. She felt it in every inch of her body.

It only lasted seconds more.

Breaking away from her, he quickly moved his hands to hold her shoulders, and she opened her eyes to see a pleading expression upon his face. “This isn’t going to change anything, Suz,” he muttered in a hoarse voice. “I must still leave.”

She was breathing heavily, staring into his deep green eyes, knowing that he was feeling the same as she. He had to be! “But…”

“It will only make it more difficult.” He kissed her temple and added, “for both of us.”

“How can you leave, Charlie?” she demanded, still reeling from their kiss. Her body was throbbing and she could feel his arousal against her. Now was not the time to be coy. Now was the time for honesty. “I want you. I want you to stay. I—”

“And I want you, love,” he whispered tenderly. “But not like this. I need to go make my own way. When I come to you, I will come as your equal. I’ve lost everything and have nothing to offer you now. I would only weigh you down when you need to get on with your life. We’ve both been through so much—”

“You are my equal!” she protested. “Look, I’ve lost almost everything too! We’re in the same boat.”

He was shaking his head.

“If it’s the money, then just forget about it. It doesn’t make a difference to me. I’m not like that.”

He gathered her once more into his arms and held her close to his chest. Cradling her head in the palm of his hand, he whispered into her ear. “It makes a difference to me, Suzanne.”

She stared at the fabric of his shirt, realizing no matter what she did, or what she said, he really was going to leave her. A deep ache in her chest began, as though she were losing a part of her heart. “I can’t make you stay,” she murmured, trying to keep the tears from forming at her eyes.

“No, my love, you can’t.”

Be brave, she told herself. Do not plead or make this any harder. He was determined. He had to prove something to himself and she had to respect him and his wishes, as crazy as they seemed to her. “Money will not buy happiness, Charlie. I should know.”

“This isn’t just about money,” he whispered, stroking her hair, trying to calm her. “It’s about something much more important.”

“Self-esteem?”

He nodded. “Worth. It has to do with more than money. I have to feel honorable about my life. I don’t feel that now. It’s like I’m without direction. I knew it once, before I was taken away from everything, but I don’t know that anymore. I have to see if I can find it again. And staying here with you… bless your pure heart, you’d make it so easy I could put it off forever. But I’d never feel good about it. It would wear away whatever is good between us, until one day what we had was ruined.” He held her closer. “I could never do that to you, Suzanne. You’ve been through so much already. And I don’t want to do it to myself. I couldn’t have you and then lose you. Trust me, this is for the best.”

“Is this forever? I’ll never see you after you leave?” She didn’t care that her voice sounded like a child’s. She had to know.

“I don’t know the future. I just know it’s the right thing to do now.”

Cradled against his chest, she listened to his heartbeat and ran her hand up and down his arm in a slow motion. She would not cry, she told herself, as the burning in her eyes increased. She would wait until he was gone, and then she might just have that nervous breakdown she’d been putting off for almost two months. “Just so you know you don’t have to prove anything to me, I already think you’re the most honorable man I’ve ever known.”

“Coming from you, that is a high compliment.”

They sat in silence for a few precious minutes, neither of them wanting to break the embrace.

“Charlie, what was your childhood like?” she whispered, wanting to prolong the intimacy and needing to change the subject.

She listened to his soft breathing as he hesitated for a moment. “You want to know about me starting that far back?” She heard the playful tone in his voice.

“I want to know everything about you, Charlie,” she replied seriously, then added, “I think you’re a remarkable man, and I’m sure your parents must have been wonderful to have instilled in you such integrity. Why don’t you start by telling me about them?”

He sighed deeply, while continuing to stroke her hair. “My mother,” he exhaled, with a thoughtful pause. “Well, let’s just say, if she’d been Catholic, she probably would have been a nun. She was a fine woman.”

“Irish, and you weren’t Catholic?” She was surprised.

“No, I was born an only child into a Protestant family, and had a privileged upbringing. My father was a gentleman, although, quite frankly, he did a bit of gambling… none of us understood just how seriously he was involved in it until after he died.”

“How old were you?”

“I was attending Trinity College in Dublin when I received word, so I suppose I was around twenty.”

“That’s still a young age to lose a parent. I’m sorry, Charlie.”

“Thank you,” he said, wrapping his arms more snugly around her.

After a moment of silence, she encouraged him. “Please continue.”

“Indeed, his death was sudden—taking us all by surprise, but I learned more about him after he was gone than I’d ever known while he was living. You see, when I came home for his funeral, just the day after he was laid to rest, my mother and I were confronted by my father’s… let’s say, for lack of a better term, dubious creditors, if you know what I mean.”

“Yes, I understand. Go on.”

“Well, they took everything, as my father’s debts exceeded our estate assets. There had already been a lien placed on the property, which my father had kept secret for quite some time. In the end, even the house furnishings had to be sold to satisfy the creditors. It all happened so suddenly. My mother was forced to go live with her sister in Westport and, after I saw her settled, I couldn’t afford to continue my schooling, so I headed for the coast and took the first ship to America I could get.”

She was fascinated, as this was the first time he’d opened up about his life, and she wanted to know everything about him, to put together all the pieces, for one day she would tell Matty about this incredible man who came into their lives just when they needed him most. “Wow,” she breathed. “I’m so sorry,” she repeated.

“Actually, I’m not,” he answered, squeezing her and planting a kiss on the top on her head. “I’ve had quite an adventure, you know. I think had I gone on in the lifestyle to which I’d become accustomed, I would have eventually become an unsufferable bore.”

“Oh no. Not you,” she protested. “I can’t imagine you being like that.”

He laughed. “Oh, you should have seen me then, Suzie. I was quite the dandy. I’m not sure you would have even liked me. I started out with the attitude that only the best would do. Yet before I even stepped foot on this continent, I learned what it was like to be without.”

“Was it a rough journey?”

“Well, not so much the journey itself. You see, I was suddenly cast into a class distinction I hadn’t really been exposed to before. As far as anyone on board was concerned, I was nothing more than a poor emigrant, looking for a new start in America.”

“Were there a lot of people coming here then?” Her own question made her realize she was getting a first-hand history lesson from a person who lived through actual events. It was a fascinating thought, even if a bit daunting; for to know this incredible man and his story was far beyond anything she’d ever been taught or had experienced. And she wanted to know all of him.

“The ship was full, or nearly, to the best of my knowledge, yet how many were emigrating, I’m not sure. I’d say most of the passengers aboard in first class were probably made up of tourists and those who had business affairs to conduct in America. I could only afford a single bunk in a steerage cabin, which I shared with five other men.”

“Ah,” she interjected knowingly. “That’s where you met Mitch.”

“Yes. He was younger, more green than myself, and I sort of took him under my wing. Not that I was much better, mind you, but if I put on my best manners, I could talk to the stewards, and finagle an extra ration of dried beef on the occasion. You can’t imagine what steerage was like. Dreadful. But we decided we would make our fortune in this grand new land and filled ourselves with fairy tales of wealth. Such were the stories bandied about of America’s opportunities. And we believed them, every one of us. When we landed in New York, we thought for certain we could attain good positions and better ourselves. There were signs everywhere: ‘No Negroes or Irish need apply.’ I found out what it meant to be Irish in America. And an Irishman without money was even worse.”

Listening, Suzanne could almost see it in her head. Steerage. Hope. Disillusionment. Slums. Prejudice. She had never really paid attention to what her ancestors, everyone’s ancestors, went through to come to this country and make a new life. What courage it must have taken just to leave everyone and everything familiar, to cross an ocean and venture into the unknown. She was uncertain about leaving the state!

“We heard there was work in the coal mines for the Irish, but neither Mitch nor I could see ourselves digging in the ground to stay alive. It took some time, but I eventually got us associated with a group of fellows who were moving on west, for the slums of New York were horrendous. Some of the boys were worse off than the Irish at home. But I remembered everything I had learned while I was in New York. I could see where there was money to be made. A day out of New York and I saw land, so fertile and rich with potential. I actually could see, in my mind’s eye, the acres of apple and peach trees. I wanted it. I wanted to make it happen. It’s what drove me as Mitch and I made our way west, working at ranches, being drovers for cattle drives. But there was no real money in it unless you owned the herd, so we came back east. Then Prohibition hit. I saved every bit that I could running bootleg whiskey and I invested in the stock market—in the Edison Light Company, Bell Telephone, railroads, and the oil fields of Pennsylvania and Texas. Regular Western Union dispatches kept me informed of my earnings.”

“Your scoundrel days,” she said with a smile.

“Yes, lass, my scoundrel days,” he said, patting her back in agreement. “I’m not too proud of that time, but I did what I did, and I’ll not apologize for it now.”

She shrugged. “I don’t think you have to, since the law was repealed. You weren’t a gangster, like Al Capone, were you?”

He laughed. “A gangster? I drove a truck.”

“And Mitch was with you?”

“We were living in Jersey City. Whereas I was saving everything I could, Mitch was living the high life—spending it as fast as he made it, and there was plenty of money to be made. I was driving a truck of whiskey across the Canadian border when word came to me that Mitch had been arrested. It was only when I arrived back in New York that I found out what had happened. He was always the fool when it came to drink, and had been bragging about the small fortune he was making. It wasn’t long before he was being followed and when he was making a delivery, he was arrested. After a quick trial, he was sentenced to two years, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. But I felt guilty, for I had gotten him into it, filling his head with my own dreams.”

“Charlie, it’s not your fault he was caught.”

“I know that now, but by the time he was released I had already purchased the land here in Mount Laural, and I wrote to him, asking him to be my partner, just like we’d always planned.”

“Then what happened? Why did he shoot you?”

“I don’t know. Greed, perhaps. Spending those two years in jail had hardened him. I could see it when he finally showed up. He was a changed man and he’d lost everything. I bought him a new suit. Grace even cut his hair. We did what we could…”

“Grace? That was the woman you were going to marry?”

He didn’t speak for a few moments, and Suzanne patiently waited.

Finally he said, “Yes. I had asked her to be my wife.”

“Can you tell me about her? It’s all right if you don’t want to. I’ll understand.”

Sighing deeply, he said, “She was a good woman. She had a heart of gold and would take in a stray cat or an injured bird. I guess that’s why she tried so hard with Mitch. She could see he was injured inside. She had the gentlest hands. That day, the morning all this happened, she had given me and Mitch a haircut, and again I was reminded of how gentle and sweet she was.”

“You must have loved her very much.” It was okay to say it, to admit to herself that Charlie had loved another.

His hand stopped stroking her hair. “It was time for me to dig in roots and settle down, to become the man I knew I was capable of becoming. I wanted a family. I wanted stability… and Grace loved me. It’s hard for me to admit this, but I don’t think I loved her. I know I didn’t love her the way she loved me, but I was sure that given time I would grow into it as we made our home and family together. She was a good woman. And I’m sorry I must have hurt her by disappearing from her life.”

He didn’t think he had loved Grace. That admission stirred threads of excitement and gratitude. She allowed him his moment of reflection, stroking his arm and shoulder with compassion. She knew what it was like to lose and how hard it can be to let go. They sat in silence, listening to the crackle of the burning wood as memories came alive and then faded.

“So when did Mitch shoot you?” she asked gently.

“The third day after he came. I took him to the land I had recently bought, telling him all my plans for this grand orchard. Informing him of the contacts I had already made for distribution. I sketched out everything. Within five years I knew I could make a profit.” He paused, as though willing himself to relive a painful experience. “We were walking across the railroad trestle when he suddenly pulled out a gun and demanded the deed to the land. I couldn’t believe he was serious, but when he shoved that gun into my chest I knew he wanted everything. He wanted my life. So I jumped, figuring I’d rather take my chances in the water. I heard a shot. I felt a burning at my temple. I guess the bullet grazed me. I saw this light as I fell and the next thing I knew I was looking into your eyes.”

He sounded so sad, she raised her face and smiled. “And then you came into my life. I’m so sorry you lost everything and Mitch betrayed you, but I’m so grateful, Charlie, for you being here now.”

“Yes,” he whispered with a smile. “Here and now. Wherever I find myself. That’s where my life is… in this twenty-first century, with all these marvelous inventions and—”

“With me?” she asked hopefully, unable to stop the big grin from appearing on her face.

He shook his head and laughed. “You never give up, do you?”

“Not when it’s something this important,” she answered.

“I’m still going to leave, Suzanne. I’ve made up my mind.”

“I understand that. I think you should go out there into the world and see if you can find what you’re seeking. I know now I can’t keep you here and you’d be unhappy if you remained. Just promise me you’ll stay in touch. Call me. Write to me.” She took a deep breath and added what was in her heart. “Come back to me, if you can.”

“I won’t ask you to wait.”

“So you’re not asking.”

“I want you to get on with your life.”

“Do you think I have any other choice, with Matty in it now? I have to keep going.”

“I’ll miss the lad,” he whispered, looking at the dying flames of the fire.

“We’re going to take pictures tomorrow,” she pronounced. “I want Matty to remember you. And I guess I’m selfish too. I want them for myself.”

“Whatever you want, love. Now let me throw another log onto the fire.”

She moved, allowing him to get up and tend the flames. Watching him, she smiled, in spite of the seriousness of the situation. He called her his love again. She didn’t want to make a big deal of it. It could be just an endearment, but it sounded heavenly to her ears.

So he was leaving. The thought settled into her mind as she rose from the sofa and walked up behind him. No longer did she feel she had to hold back, for she didn’t know when or if she would ever see him again. Slipping her arms around his waist as he looked into the fire, she leaned her head against his back and whispered, “It’s okay to say I’m going to miss you, isn’t it?”

He turned around and took her into his arms. Looking deep into her eyes, he smiled sadly. “I’m going to miss you, too. More than I can ever express. You’ve been my savior, my teacher, my mentor… my friend. Perhaps the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“I don’t want to be your teacher or your friend right now,” she said, lowering her body and pulling on his hand for him to follow her. “I want you to hold me tonight. I want to be as close to you as you’ll allow. Give me tonight, Charlie. Give me this memory.”

He came to her and gathered her into his arms as they laid in front of the fire. She could feel the heat from the flames on her back and the length of his body as he pulled her into him. Leaning up on his elbow, he stroked her hair and looked down to her. “I’ll not make love to you, lass,” he murmured. “For to do so would break my heart when I left.”

“Then just stay here with me like this. It’s enough… for now.”

They spent the night in each other’s arms, talking, sharing stories, sharing a lifetime of memories. She fell asleep and awoke when she felt a slight draft at her back. Turning her head she saw that the fire was out. Slowly she turned in the other direction and saw him sleeping—so soundly, so peacefully. The light from the kitchen illuminated his face, and she gazed at his features. He was the most handsome man that had ever been in her life. But it wasn’t his great looks that had attracted her. It was his soul. He wasn’t perfect. He was a good, decent man, who knew how to be a scoundrel when he had to be. She knew, somehow, that he would be all right when he left. After listening to his stories, she was confident that he would make it. She only hoped that he found whatever it was he was seeking and came back to her one day.

For she now knew she loved him.

He must be chilled, she thought, and realized how protective she was of him. Even if she had to let him go in less than two weeks, she was going to spoil him until then. Easing out of his embrace, she crawled away and forced herself into a standing position. Her muscles ached from sleeping on the rug, and she stretched them as she quietly walked toward the stairs. She would check on Matty and then bring the down comforter from her bed. Grinning as she walked upstairs, she thought she hadn’t made out and cuddled with a man like that since college. Somehow it was even better than making love, for the closeness they had achieved was remarkable, surpassing any other relationship, male or female, in her life. They were friends who loved each other.

Although he hadn’t said the words, and neither did she, it was love they had shared last night. She would cherish the memory and fold it in along with others they had made.

Matty was fine and, as she tiptoed from the nursery, she thought back again to Charlie’s story. What an exceptional man, and she knew now why he understood her loss and the pain of betrayal. He had lost a friend and left a woman. Grace. It was a common enough name, yet as she was about ready to pull the comforter from the bed, she turned instead to her closet. In the bottom of it, in the corner, was Kevin’s grandmother’s chest. It was a tad small, so Suzanne never really used it. The sweet old woman had given it to her, filled with the most beautifully embroidered pillowcases. She had always meant to use them, but wanted, to save them for a special occasion… and then she had forgotten about them.

Realizing she wanted to pack it to take with her, for it was Matty’s great-grandmother’s, Suzanne picked it up and brought it to the bed. She wrapped the big comforter around it and took it all downstairs with her into the kitchen.

She set the oak chest on the kitchen table so she would remember to have Charlie pack it and took the comforter into the living room. Spreading it over him, he shifted his position and murmured, “Where did you go?”

“I just wanted to check on Matty,” she whispered back, crawling in next to him and snuggling into the warmth of his chest as she pulled the comforter around them both.

Held in his arms, listening to his breathing and the sure beat of his heart, Suzanne closed her eyes and knew, no matter what happened, right here, right now, she was happy. It was with that thought she fell back into a dreamless sleep— sure of the love within her heart.

“Suzanne!”

Startled, she jerked awake, her heart pounding, trying to figure out where she was. The fireplace was dark and cold. The light was coming in through the windows.

“Suzanne!”

“What?” she demanded, recognizing Charlie’s voice. “Is it Matty?” she asked, throwing off the comforter and trying to get up. God, she must be out of shape for her muscles to be rebelling so much.

“Where did you get this?”

She attempted to focus on him and what he was holding. It was the chest she had put on the table last night. “I’ve had it for years. I wanted to have it packed. Is Matty all right?”

He was staring at the box as though he couldn’t believe what he was holding.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, trying to wake up completely and coming closer to him when she saw his hands were shaking. “Charlie, what is wrong?”

He looked up to her and his eyes were wide with amazement. “I made this,” he whispered in a shocked voice. “For Grace.”