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Anticipation Is Electrifying: Trysts for Tired Women

Tryst is an inherently sexy word. Webster's dictionary defines a tryst as “an agreement (as between lovers) to meet.” A lover's tryst brings to mind images of intense sexual longing and anticipation, covert meetings, and steamy sex. The anticipation of the tryst and the preparation for it heighten the sexual encounter.

Spontaneous is defined in Webster's dictionary as “arising from a momentary impulse.” Synonyms include impulsive and instinctive. Dictionary examples include the combustion of a motor and bursts of applause.

Yet, in daily language, the words spontaneous and sex are often paired together. Spontaneous sex just happens. There is no planning or intentionality. Individuals are swept away by their lust and before they can even consider the idea, they are engaged in an act of passion.

Longing for a Myth

In our culture, spontaneous sex is what many people think they should be having. “Sex should be spontaneous” is a common reply heard by counselors or anyone else who suggests that one plan for a sexual encounter. Planning is thought of as unromantic and as something that will ruin sex.

Yet, longing for spontaneous sex is longing for a myth, albeit a powerful one that vast numbers in our society buy into. Men seem to be especially prone to adhering rigidly to this false belief. But, there is also a good chance that you may be stuck on this myth as well.

If so, you will talk about the spontaneity of sex in your earlier years. Although perhaps you may have had a few instances of impulsive sex in your day, my guess is that most of the sex you are thinking of with longing was actually planned, anticipated, and orchestrated.

Think back to how it felt to get ready for an evening with your husband before you lived together or got married. You picked out your outfit with great care and with an eye toward looking sexually appealing. Perhaps you planned a seductive meal or music. Likely, you put on your sexiest bra and panties and sprayed yourself with perfume. Throughout the evening, you flirted and touched each other seductively. The sexual tension built, and as it did your anticipation of the evening ending in sex heightened. Sex just didn't catch you unaware: it was premeditated and orchestrated. In fact, you did this so well that this choreographed dance of seduction looked effortless. Built-up passion became confused with spontaneity.

Even sex experts sometimes are confused about spontaneous sex. In one sex self-help book for new parents, the author tells readers that in order to have spontaneous sex they have to be willing to create the opportunity for it. Purposefully creating an opportunity for a sexual encounter is not spontaneity — it is a tryst! Once you realize that good sex is almost always intentional, anticipated, and orchestrated, what fun you can have!

Surprise Him!

One advice column, written by a man, advocates that women give their guys spontaneous sex. Ideas he recommended included wearing a sexy sundress without any underwear when out on a date, finding a brazen way to make this known, and then finding someplace to have a quickie. This idea entails forethought on the part of the woman, and thus isn't spontaneous sex at all. It's a surprise tryst! A surprise tryst is a sexual encounter orchestrated by one partner that catches the other one unaware.

Early on in our parenting years, I gave my husband a surprise tryst. I booked a hotel room. I hired a sitter under the pretense of going out to dinner. When we got in the car, I said I wanted to drive. A few blocks from our house, I pulled over, blindfolded Glenn, and drove him to the hotel. Once we got there, the scene was all set with the wine, food, candles, music, and bubble bath I had dropped off earlier in the day. We enjoyed several hours of uninterrupted time talking, making love, and taking a bubble bath together. We went home and paid the sitter who asked us how dinner was. We both said it was delicious. It was!

Surprise trysts don't have to be this dramatic. Sometimes they look like ordinary sexual encounters to the husband, although the wife knows otherwise. Surprise trysts of this type are particularly useful when husbands reject the idea of a planned tryst. Marcia, a fifty-two-year-old woman, brought up the idea of scheduling a time for sex, and her husband unenthusiastically and sarcastically said, “That's romantic.” Marcia summed up the problem beautifully:“So, while we overworked, exhausted women see it as something to look forward to and a time to reconnect that might otherwise simply not happen, perhaps men see it quite differently!” If Marcia can't get Howard to budge, she may want to take control of the situation herself through surprise trysts. She may plan a time that works for her to seduce Howard, perhaps even on a weekly basis as my client Renee does. Renee has decided that once-a-week sex keeps both her and her husband happy. Renee also knows that for sex to work best, it has to be something she primes herself for and spends time planning — so she does, although her husband Kevin doesn't know this. He is simply content with the fact that Renee initiates sex with him about once a week.

Overworked, exhausted women see it [sex] as something to look forward to and a time to reconnect that might otherwise simply not happen.

— Marcia, 52

Robert is completely aware that his wife Michelle is doing this, but is content in his illusion of spontaneous passion. Robert and Michelle are in their mid-thirties and came to me for marital issues, including Michelle's low sex drive. When I introduced the idea of trysts, Robert was adamantly opposed. Robert didn't like to plan in general, but planned sexual encounters were a particularly repulsive notion to him. Michelle, on the other hand, took immediately to the idea. She was a planner who lived by her schedule and felt that if she could block out time for sex, it would happen. She also realized that the planning and anticipation would get her in the mood. Michelle and Robert resolved this impasse by agreeing that Michelle would decide in advance when she wanted to make love and initiate it with Robert. They decided that ideally, Michelle would do this once a week. This worked excellently for both of them.

It's Sex Time!

Another type of tryst that works for some couples is one in which a consistent day or time is set in advance. Many couples find that knowing that they will be having sex on a designated day relieves tensions. Setting trysts in advance alleviates the tired woman's daily worry that her husband will want to have sex that night and that she may not be able to muster the energy. She doesn't have to feel the anguish and guilt that comes with saying she is too tired. Her husband doesn't have to worry that he is being pushy or inconsiderate. He doesn't have to face the risk of rejection.

Perhaps you recall from the introduction that my husband, Glenn, and I started off with this type of tryst. We picked two times that worked for us each week and made these part of our set weekly schedule. Several friends and clients have also used this tryst method with success. My client, Madeline (on a Tuesday/Saturday schedule) passed the wisdom onto a friend. Also a tired woman, the friend became a convert. She wrote Madeline, “Remember that last batch of ‘sensitive’ e-mails concerning scheduling aspects of your life not normally subject to scheduling? I'll have you know, it works great. Your therapist was right on the money. Truth IS stranger than fiction!”

Fantasy images don't capture the essence of real life with work, children, and chores. If it isn't on the agenda, it isn't likely to happen. This is why for some tired women, having prearranged, set sex times works well.

How Many Times?

You jotted down your ideal frequency in the Time step. Knowing you and your husband's ideal frequency and being willing to work out something mutually agreeable is important to having this type of tryst work successfully. In a perfect world, you and your husband would be in agreement about the frequency. However, one partner often has one idea and the other partner has a different idea. If this happens, the Talk skills will be especially useful. If you can't arrive at a compromise, you might want to consider counseling as an option to help you resolve the differences.

Night doesn't work because we are too worn out.

— Lisa, 66

The Right Time: Not Necessarily Nighttime

Some couples have their trysts at the same day and time each week or month. Some couples decide on when their trysts will occur while having the weekly planning meeting that was suggested in the Talk step. Either way, in scheduling trysts, it is important to pick times that you won't be exhausted.

There is interesting evidence that testosterone, which is partially responsible for our sex drive, is at its lowest at night. Between exhaustion and decreased testosterone, bedtime is not the ideal time for many women to have sex. As noted by Jean, “It's hard to find time alone with kids running around, but that's a problem because the only time we have is too late at night for me.” To get around this, one couple I know sets their alarm an hour early every Friday morning for their tryst. It helps take them into the weekend connected and relaxed. Another has arranged rides for their son to his weekly Boy Scout troop meeting, giving them an hour and a half at home each Monday after dinner. My clients Lisa and Alex, who no longer have children at home, have a Sunday morning tryst. They get up at a leisurely pace, cook and eat a nice breakfast together, and then go back to bed. They initially tried having a weekly evening tryst but as Lisa said, “Night doesn't work because we are too worn out.” Lisa and Alex needed reassurance that this was normal. Like many couples, they had bought into the myth that bedtime was the right time for sex. Once they embraced the notion that the right time was the time that worked best for them, they were able to discover that Sundays were a lovely time for their weekly tryst.

Get It On This Week!

For some couples, a fixed tryst schedule feels too rigid. Some couples aim to have a tryst during a specified period of time. Sandra and her husband have agreed on a weekly tryst that occurs sometime during each weekend. As their weekend progresses, they look for opportunities to meet for their tryst. Sometimes, when energy levels allow, their tryst is at night after the kids are in bed. Other times it is during the day when both children are occupied. Sometimes their weekend trysts are more scheduled, because they hire a sitter and plan their tryst around this. Occasionally they take their children to the sitter's house and go home and make love. Other times, they go out at night and come home after the kids are asleep for their tryst. A few times they had the sitter come during the day and take the children to the park and to lunch, with explicit instructions on how long to stay away from home. The key to this type of tryst is deciding a frequency within a set time period and looking for, or creating, opportunities to make it happen.

Grab the Opportunity!

Another type of tryst is the opportunistic tryst. This is where a couple keeps sex on the front burner as an important possible use of any time that they find themselves alone together. Opportunistic trysts are more difficult for tired women in the early stages of recovering their drive. They work best after other types of trysts have built up comfort with and energy for sex again. Opportunistic trysts also are easier for parents of older children than those with young children. It's harder to count on young children being occupied for a set period of time. Still, all of the following can present opportunities for parents of young children: children watching television, children napping, and children playing at friends' houses, to name just a few.

Grace and Peter have a teenage son who is often out in the evenings and weekends. Just about every time he goes out and they find themselves home alone, they openly discuss whether or not this would be a good time for a tryst. They also consider whether other opportunities are likely to present themselves later in the week. If not, they take the opportunity given. They remember that they don't need to be horny to have their tryst, but that taking the time to touch will get them interested. Grace also remembers to use her Thoughts techniques to consciously let go of her usual task focus. She changes, “I should pay the bills” to “I'm entitled to take a sex break.” Knowing that the later into the evening they wait, the less likely they are to have sex, they also have their tryst at the early end of their teen's departure rather than waiting until they go to bed. They also keep in mind that sex entails more than intercourse. Sometimes they end up deciding to have playtime instead, where one partner pleasures the other exclusively. Sometimes they decide that they won't take the opportunity for sex, but they will spend time together talking, cuddling, or both. Certainly, sometimes they decide their chores or work are the main priority for the moment.

The key to opportunistic trysts is to keep the sexual aspect of your relationship in the forefront. The idea is to always be on the lookout for opportunities and to grab them when they come along. Sometimes the opportunity is a short-lived one, and so the tryst has to be a quickie. Annie says, “Sometimes when we have to have a quickie, I watch a few scenes from a Candida Royalle movie, while Bill brushes his teeth and files his fingernails so he can better touch me.” Annie laughingly adds, “This isn't a traditional form of foreplay, but it works for us!” Knowing what works for you and your husband for a quick sexual encounter is important if you want to take advantage of fleeting opportunities that present themselves.

A Hot Hideaway!

Planned getaways are the perfect opportunity for trysts with no time pressure. While not always feasible due to time, availability of sitters, and expense, they are a wonderful way to reconnect with your sex drive and your husband. Getting away for the weekend can be a wonderfully romantic and sexual experience. Even one night away can be terrific. One couple I know, Kate and Tim, book a room, right in their own town, when they can get coverage for their children. Their favorite is to book a bed and breakfast, and take along a picnic of wine, cheese, bread, and fruit, as well as candles and bubble bath. They stay in their room from arrival until the next morning, eating, talking, cuddling, bathing, and making slow, luxurious love. They report that getting away from home, with all its cues of the chores that need to be attended to, and focusing on each other exclusively is a wonderful way to reconnect. Kate and Tim spend the night away for the specific purpose of having an electrifying tryst. Purposefully dedicating a weekend, or even one night, to having great sex is a splendid way to rekindle your sex drive and revitalize your sex life. In fact, there is even a terrific book focused on helping you do just this; The Great Sex Weekend by Pepper Schwartz and Janet Lever provides effective and enjoyable recommendations for planning a weekend tryst, the benefits of which will last long past the weekend itself.

Although they didn't specifically plan for a sex getaway, two women recently told me that they had sex with their husbands for the first time in a very long time on vacation. One had not had sex for two years; the other had not had sex for five years. Kendra planned the sex in advance. She knew this would be a good opportunity and she thought about it, priming her mind well in advance. She orchestrated a surprise tryst with her husband. Helen thought about vacation sex also, but she did so with dread. What if even on vacation she didn't want to have sex? What if it just didn't work anymore? The first night, her husband approached her for sex and she declined; she felt exhausted from the travel. The next night, however, she approached him and they had sex. The next day she and her husband, Paul, felt closer than they had in years. They broke out of their no-sex cycle and began a new cycle where sex led to Provocative Sex Talk and No-End-Goal Touching, and these led to more sex.

Reassurance for Common Concerns

One common concern mentioned earlier was the notion that sex should be spontaneous. This chapter has hopefully convinced you otherwise. Two additional common concerns about trysts are the pressure for sex to happen and for it to be good.

That sex always needs to be good is a false notion. All sex is not going to be mind-blowing. Sometimes it will be mundane. Sometimes it will be great for one person and mediocre for the other. Couples that have the best sex life are those that know that quality will vary and that are able to talk about this, learn from it, and laugh about it. Sometimes you might have a tryst, and you just can't get into it. The more trysts you have, the less likely this is to happen and the less a big a deal it will be when it does. If it does happen, talk about it, and perhaps switch gears into playtime or another type of time together. Having the tryst is more important than having it be perfect. Any sex is better than no sex at all, for you and for your marriage.

The second common concern relates to the pressure for sex to happen. Not being horny is not a reason to cancel a tryst: Sexual touch can get you there. But, what if, as asked by Nadine, “you schedule for Saturday night and you have a headache and think you would rather die than have sex?” Certainly, this can happen. You can have a tryst scheduled and something else comes up that is more pressing. I had just finished telling my sister about the Tryst step. She loved the idea but just hours afterward she ended up in the hospital. In her recovery she said to me, “There goes the Five T's for a while!” Lisa and Alex put their weekly trysts on hold for three months when Lisa was dealing with an illness. Sometimes trysts are postponed for more transitory reasons than the illness of one partner. Perhaps your child has the flu or your refrigerator breaks. Life is filled with many unexpected hassles and some will interfere with a scheduled tryst. Don't keep on postponing trysts for reasons that can truly wait. Make sure that if a tryst has to be canceled, you reschedule it. Make sure your trysts don't fade into the background of your life.

Don't Go Too Long Without

It's good to have in mind a period of time that is just too long to go without a tryst. Grace and Peter, the couple that has opportunistic trysts when their teen son goes out, found that he was suddenly hanging around at home more often. Three weeks went by, and they could find no opportunity. Grace and Peter have about a two-to three-week limit before it starts to feel too long to have gone without a tryst. They decided that because their life situation had changed, they would need to alter their usual method of grabbing opportunities. Instead, they would need to find a set time they could count on. What length of time feels too long for you to go without a tryst?

Trysts: The Treatment Program Climax

Trysts are the culmination of all the previous steps in the treatment program you have been working through. Give Thought to the tryst beforehand to rev up your sexual motor. Talk with your husband both before and during the tryst about your sexual desires. Use Time alone and together to have you feeling centered in your own life and closer to your husband. Use both affectionate Touch to enhance this closeness and sexually provocative Touch to keep your juices flowing between trysts. Remember that spontaneous sex is a myth, and that in actuality, anticipation is enticing! Use whatever type of tryst (surprise, set in advance, or grabbing opportunities) works for you, or use a variety of tryst types. To make your trysts even more alluring, spice them up with novelty. Occasionally add in something new that you feel comfortable with, such as a movie, toy, or lubricant. During the tryst, have mind-blowing sex by shutting off your busy brain and focusing on the sensations in the moment. Have these sensations be sensational because your husband knows that you are a slow cooker and how to heat you up. He knows this because you tell him what you and your hot button need both in general and in the moment. Still, remember that all sex won't be perfect and that any sex is better than no sex at all for your personal and relationship health. Never go too long without a tryst. Keep in mind that the more sex you have, the more sex you will want, and that the more sex you have, the easier it will be to get into the flow of having great sex. Engage in Provocative Sex Talk after the tryst to keep the heated memories alive and to reinforce the special secret that you and your husband share. If it is a particularly exciting tryst, add it to your bank of fantasy images that you use in your Thought step — and let the wonderful cycle continue.

Think of your Final Homework as a culmination of everything you have learned and all of the changes you have made:

Have a tryst with your husband! Keep having them! Make tryst a word you use frequently and a special action you engage in often. Enjoy trysts as a vital and central part of your relationship and life! Have great sex — and keep having it!