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illustration “Oral” Sex: Talk for Tired Women

Hopefully, you are now thinking about sex. That is a private activity. Now it is time for a shared activity: Talk. It is time to focus on talking with your spouse and making improving your sex drive a matter that is between you and him.

The “Bed Rock” of Intimacy

Take a moment to think about a female friend or relative that you feel close to. My guess is you thought of a person you like to talk with. Perhaps she listens well to your problems, makes you laugh, or gives you good advice. You thought of this friend because the way you and she communicate enhances your connection. As humans, we are bound together by our ability to communicate. Communication is central to our individual well-being and to our relationship satisfaction.

As a therapist, I have seen marriages ripped apart by poor communication and pieced back together again by good communication. In counseling couples, I often find that at the root of years of built-up pain and dissatisfaction is simply a lack of communication skills. Likewise, couples can't heal their rifts without talking and listening well to each other. The research backs up my observation: good communication is highly related to satisfaction in marriage. Quite pertinent, one study found that husbands and wives who talked more to one another were more sexually active. Communication is the bedrock of a good marriage, and good communication can help make your bed rock!

That is why one of my first steps when counseling couples, about sex or any other issue, is to teach them the principles and strategies of effective communication. The same holds true in individual counseling. In almost twenty years of counseling, I can't think of a client I've worked with whose communication style has not either contributed to their problems, been part of their recovery, or both. Most people in our culture have never been explicitly taught useful communication skills and those who have often forgo such skills when tight on time, exhausted, or upset. The ability to communicate effectively, particularly when hurt or angry, is an uncommon skill, but the key to relationship intimacy.

In this chapter, you will find information on general communication principles and skills that is not always tied to sexuality. This is because these communication principles and skills are foundational. As you read some sections below, don't be alarmed if sex isn't mentioned for several pages at a time. To get your sex drive back, we must first focus on the basic issue of effective communication. But, you alone learning effective general and sexual communication skills may or may not result in your relationship improving. Even when you learn new communication skills, positive responses from others are not guaranteed, especially if the other person doesn't know how to communicate effectively. To address this problem, the last section of this chapter focuses on bringing your husband on board. This section will center on talking with your husband about your quest to find your lost libido, how he can help, and new ways of talking with each other. This assumes that your husband is willing. Alicia described her husband as uncommunicative. She says, “He isn't a talker and sex was our link. It was the greatest body language in the world, and now without that, it's just empty space.” Still, she predicted, once he understood that the outcome of talking would be sex, he would be more willing to talk. She was right. Like Alicia, you will be guided to talk with your husband at the end of this chapter and subsequent chapters will build on this.

From Faulty Beliefs to Guiding Principles

Communication consists of both principles and skills. Principles are the things we believe to be true that guide our behaviors. Faulty beliefs about communication can be at the root of a couple's problems, either sexually or in general. Below are four faulty ways of thinking that erode relationships, as well as ways to flip such thinking around for enhanced marital connection and harmony. Indeed, when turned around, these four faulty beliefs become the four guiding principles of effective communication.

I Shouldn't Have to Ask

Oftentimes during a counseling session with a couple, one of the partners will hint at something that they want from the other. I will then make this wish explicit by saying for example, “Janice, it sounds to me like you want Sam to spend more time with the kids on weekends.” “Well yes, of course!” is the general reply I get after such a reflection. I then ask, “Have you told Sam this?”About half the time, the answer to such a question is “I shouldn't have to ask. He should know this!” This response is based on the mistaken belief that our partners should know what we want without us telling them.

No one can read minds, nor should they be expected to try. The attitude that people, particularly your spouse, should know what you want without you having to tell them is a sure-fire way to communicate ineffectively. To resent something that your partner is not giving you that you haven't clearly asked for is also groundless. Likewise, to be angry at someone for doing something you find distasteful but that you haven't told him is offensive is equally as unfounded. To have any chance of getting what you want, you have to learn to ask for it clearly. People, particularly spouses, can't be expected to guess our needs. We have to tell them.

Perhaps you're thinking that if you actually have to ask for something, then it is less meaningful to receive it. Instead of thinking that asking diminishes receiving, ponder instead how magnificent it can be to directly ask for something important to you and then receive it. This means that your partner listened to you and demonstrated his caring for you by giving you what you asked for. Of course, we can't always get what we ask for, but the only way to have a shot at getting it is to ask for it. Expecting our partners to mind-read is akin to expecting them to know what childbirth or menstruation feels like. They can't.

Perhaps right about now you are thinking that men are flawed because they can't mind-read, yet you and other women you know seem to be able to do so. Research shows that women are better at reading nonverbal cues than men are. Some speculate that this is due to women needing to read the nonverbal cues of infants more than men do. This ability to read nonverbal cues is likely at the root of what we call “women's intuition.” Still, though, you can be totally wrong in your reading of nonverbal cues; your intuition can easily be off-base. Just as you cannot expect your spouse to read your mind, don't expect to be able to read his.

I'm Sure I Know

Assuming that you know something can be hazardous to your marriage and to your sex life. You must check out your assumptions. To illustrate the power of checking out assumptions, let's take a couple in their mid-sixties who came to me for counseling.

meet alex and lisa. Alex was raised to believe that women don't like sex, and that it is something that they do grudgingly to keep men happy. Over the years, when he and Lisa would have sex, he would try to complete the sexual act as quickly as possible. He said he did this to be considerate of Lisa. He didn't want her to have to do something she didn't like for too long. In therapy, Alex had the opportunity to check out his assumption. At my urging, he asked Lisa, “Do you like sex?” He was very surprised to hear that she did. Getting rid of this false assumption opened the door for an explicit discussion about what Lisa and Alex each liked sexually. Each of them spent time telling the other directly and clearly what they wanted sexually. Perhaps not surprising to you, Lisa wanted Alex to take more time and engage in more touching of her before intercourse. He was eager to oblige, and the result is a newfound sexual satisfaction with each other, after almost thirty years of marriage!

It's Useless to Discuss

Along with their sexual problems, Lisa and Alex had a host of other built up resentments. Thirty years of ineffective communication had led to a litany of things they each felt angry about. This is typical of couples that come to therapy and is why I tell my backpack story.

We all walk around with an invisible backpack on our backs for each significant relationship we are in. When things bother or upset us, we often don't tell each other. We may think it isn't worth it or we won't be able to solve the problem anyway. Each upset that we don't discuss is akin to a pebble. We walk along picking up pebble after pebble and putting them in our backpacks. Eventually the pebbles add up and the backpack is so heavy that it hurts to carry it. We dump it out, in an attempt to lighten our load. We start throwing the stones at each other.

My therapy with couples is focused on emptying the backpack and helping them to learn not to put pebbles in anymore. Couples need to get rid of the old stones by talking them through or by throwing them out, realizing that they were put into the backpack due to lack of communication. They have to learn the communication skills so that in the future, they don't hold onto pebbles.

Winners and Losers

In our culture, we are often encouraged to argue to prove our point. We are taught to fight to win. This is rarely constructive and can lead to harm being done to the marital relationship. Instead, couples need to take the attitude that the purpose of disagreements is to get closer rather than to win. When in conflict with your spouse, the ideal goal is to resolve the issue sufficiently (even if that resolution is agreeing to disagree) so that you don't have to argue about it ever again. When you disagree, look at it as an opportunity to understand your spouse's viewpoint, to express yours, and grow closer in the process. It will be especially helpful if instead of getting defensive when your spouse is upset with you, you actually try to understand why they feel as they do.

Four Guiding Principles

You just read about four faulty beliefs about communication that can erode relationships. You also heard about healthier attitudes about communication. Now, let's make these positive beliefs even more explicit. The four guiding principles of effective communication are:

  1. Principle #1: Ask for what you want. Don't expect your spouse to mind-read.

  2. Principle #2: Check out your assumptions.

  3. Principle #3: Work out issues as they arise, rather than hold onto them in your metaphorical backpack.

  4. Principle #4: Work to resolve issues rather than to win a fight.

Eight Superb Communication Skills

Entire books have been written on communication skills. The eight skills below are those I find create the most positive change in couples' general and sexual relationships.

Skill #1: Match What You Say with How You Say It

Communication skills consist of verbal components (what we say) and nonverbal components (the looks on our faces, our body posture). The nonverbal component is especially powerful. If your spouse or teenager was making a lot of noise while in the kitchen (slamming cabinet doors, banging pots and pans) but when you asked if they were mad, they said, “No, I'm not mad,” you would likely still think they were mad. If you told your friend that you were interested in hearing about her problem but then kept glancing at your watch while she was talking, she would conclude that you were not really interested. When you say you are enjoying sex but are stifling yawns, your husband will decide that you aren't really into having sex. When verbal and nonverbal behaviors conflict, we assume that the nonverbal behaviors are the truthful ones.

Often women's nonverbal and verbal communication don't match because they're reluctant to say what they are feeling or wanting, or because they don't have the skills to do so. This chapter will help you match your verbal and nonverbal communications by providing you with the belief that you have the right to express your wants and by teaching you the skills to do so. It will also help you effectively confront your spouse when his verbal and nonverbal messages don't match. If your spouse asks if you want to have sex and you say you are too tired and he says this is fine, but then pouts, you can point this out. “I hear you say that you are fine with us not having sex, but I notice you are pouting. I would like to talk about this.”

Sound unrealistic or hard to do? Read on for seven skills that will help you convey your needs and react appropriately to the needs of your spouse.

Skill #2: Don't Ask Questions That Aren't Questions

Many people ask questions that aren't really questions at all. Both women and men do this, although women seem to do it more often. Asking a question that isn't a question is often something that people do, consciously or unconsciously, to avoid owning their needs head-on. When I am especially worn-down, I fall prey to asking questions that are not really questions. Last night, I was lying in bed wanting to go to sleep and my husband was rambling around the bedroom, putting his laundry away. I asked, “Are you going to be done soon?” What I meant was, “I want to go to bed. I would appreciate if you could do your chores tomorrow so I can turn the light out now.” I asked a question that wasn't a question because it was easier than mustering the brain-power to make a clear statement of my needs. Glenn laughed and pointed out my nonquestion to me by saying he would be doing chores for several more hours. The result of asking nonquestions is generally not this humorous or positive.

To illustrate further, “Do you have to work late tonight?” isn't really a question if the asker wants their partner to be home at a certain time. When a desire is posed as a question, one of two things often happens: 1) the receiver doesn't realize it isn't a real question and provides an answer that is not satisfactory to the asker, or 2) the receiver becomes defensive. Let's pretend that Alice asked this question of her husband, Martin. If Martin thinks this is actually a genuine question, his answer might be, “Yes, I'm working late and will be home around 9:00 p.m.” He would then feel blindsided when Alice bites into him with “I hate how you are never home at night!” In this case, Martin innocently answered what he thought was a true question. In the second scenario Martin might reply not to the question but to what he perceives as an accusation. Martin's defensive answer might be, “I can't help it that I have to work late! I am under a lot of pressure and you're making it worse!” Certainly, in either case, asking a nonquestion ends in negativity.

THE MANY MEANINGS OF “DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?”

Turning to a sexual example, think about a woman posing the question, “Do you feel like having sex tonight?” This nonquestion can have many possible meanings. It can even mean one thing one time and something totally different another time! This question could mean any of the following:

Clearly, the question “Do you want to have sex?” can mean many different things because it isn't a sincere question.

illustration talk homework

Starting today, observe how often you ask questions that aren't really questions and work to change this pattern using the skills below.

Skill #3: Be Aware of What You Want and Your Right to Express It

Being in touch with and clearly stating one's desires are something that women don't often do. Sometimes, women are out of touch with their needs and wants. Other times, women know what they want but avoid saying it clearly. They have come to believe that directly asking for what they want, sexually or otherwise, is selfish. Yet, it is this ability to be in touch with one's needs and wants and to communicate them with clarity that is a key to mental and sexual well-being. Marlene, a thirty-nine-year-old woman with two young children, recently realized that she is much more likely to be able to relax and focus on sex if she has transition time between finishing her evening chores and engaging in sex. Once she realized this, she talked with her husband, stating her needs and wants clearly with “I” statements. She told him, “I realize that when you come up to the bedroom where I am folding laundry and ask me to have sex, it doesn't work for me. I have a hard time stopping my chores in the middle like this. I need some transition time.” She and her husband were then able to engage in an effective dialogue about how to get her the transition time she needs.

Marlene became aware of the conditions or circumstances that she needed to get in the mood for sex more easily. It is also important to get in touch with what you need to make sex more enjoyable. Examples of both types of needs include:

For now, don't evaluate how realistic what you need is. Don't think about how you could never tell your spouse these things. Just spend a few minutes brainstorming what would be ideal for you.

illustration talk homework

Stop reading and think about both what type of situations and circumstances will help you get in the mood for sex. Also, think about any explicit sexual requests that you have for your husband. Be sure to start each sentence with the word I. Jot these down and set them aside.

meet pam, a forty-five-year-old woman who realized that she needs her husband to use lubricant when he begins to touch her. She told her husband, “I am so tired that even when I want to have sex, I don't get wet. I find it much more enjoyable when you use lubricant when you touch me initially. It feels good and it also helps me relax and not worry about if I am going to get wet or not.” Pam and her husband then had a frank discussion, resulting in agreements about who would buy the lubricants, what types of textures and smells they both preferred, and the like.

Skill #4: Express Yourself with “I” Statements

Knowing your needs and wants is an essential first step to expressing them, but you must also learn appropriate ways of expression. Starting a sentence with the word “you” is almost guaranteed to result in an unproductive conversation. Sentences that start with the word “you” come across as accusations, and put the other person on the defensive. Contrast how you would react if your spouse said, “You never want to have sex anymore!” with “I find you really attractive and want to have sex with you and am concerned that you don't seem interested anymore.” My guess is the first statement would result in you feeling attacked, defensive, or guilty. Perhaps it would signal the beginning of an argument. The latter would hopefully be the entry into a constructive dialogue.

When counseling couples, I ask them to cease using “you” statements. I ask them to use “I” statements instead. Just mastering this one skill is guaranteed to improve your general and sexual communication quite a bit! “I” statements are not selfish; quite the contrary, they are respectful of the relationship because they allow the other person to react to a real message rather than one that they have to decipher.

When opening a difficult dialogue, putting “I feel” with “I would like” is especially useful. Such a statement would go as follows: “I feel [fill in the word] when [describe situation]. I'd like [fill in blank].” An example might be, “I feel hassled when you grab my boobs when I'm doing the dishes. I would appreciate it instead if you would nuzzle my neck and even offer to do the dishes!”Use “I” statements in as many of your conversations with as many people as possible. Learning to use “I” statements in the rest of your life will help you use them later when talking about sex.

Use “I” statements with your children if you have them. Say “I want you to clean your room” instead of “You need to clean your room.” Use them with your friends, substituting “Do you want to go out to lunch sometime?” with “I'd like to go to lunch with you next week if you have time.” Use them for nonsexual matters with your spouse. Declare “I'd like you to try to help Scott with his math homework” rather than “Do you know anything about this new math Scott is asking me about?” There is no “you” statement in the world that can't be turned into an “I” statement.

illustration talk homework

Starting today, begin as many sentences with “I” as possible. Especially start sentences with “I” that you would have previously started with “you” or phrased as a question even though it wasn't really a question. If you catch yourself asking a question that isn't a question or making a “you” statement, stop yourself and rephrase.

Skill #5: Give Compliments and Make Loving Statements

“I love you” is an “I” statement! It is a special kind of “I” statement. It is a “soft ‘I’ statement.” Other such statements would be “I'm having fun with you today” or “I really appreciate that you do the dinner dishes.” Sexual examples of soft “I statements” would be “I love the way you touch me” or “I like how you take your time to bring me to orgasm.”

Too often in long-term relationships, we stop telling each other what we like and instead spend our time focused on what we don't like or what we want to be different. We also stop saying “please” and “thank you”; sometimes, we talk to our spouses with less care and respect than we do strangers or coworkers. Stopping this downhill pattern and noticing and commenting on what you appreciate about your spouse works wonders. It helps you focus, for example, on his terrific sense of humor rather than on his annoying habit of leaving his shoes and socks in the middle of the living room. Complimenting a behavior is also likely to increase that behavior. If you take the time to appreciate the fact that he did the dishes, he is more likely to do them again. Doling out appreciation will also help your spouse feel more connected with you and is likely to result in him giving compliments in return. Focus compliments on both behaviors and on physical attributes that you like in your spouse. If you think his eyes look particularly sexy, tell him so. Remember that every day is foreplay. Appreciative and loving statements are an excellent form of foreplay.

talk homework

Starting today, say at least two loving or appreciative things to your spouse each day.

Skill #6: Use Reflections

Just as couples need to remember to say appreciative and loving things to one another, they also need to learn to have difficult dialogues. One particularly useful skill for difficult dialogues is reflection. A reflection is when you repeat back what you heard the other person say. It is best when followed by an inquiry asking if your reflection is accurate or not. It is even better when this is followed by repeated reflections and inquiries, to make certain that the listener is reacting to what is actually being said. This mode of communicating is often the first thing I teach couples that I work with.

A conversation with reflections might go as follows. Harold says, “I feel like you never want to have sex anymore.” Nan would reflect, perhaps saying, “So, you think I hate sex!” Harold would clarify, saying, “No, that isn't what I am saying. I'm not assuming you hate sex. I just feel hurt that you don't seem to want to have it with me.” “So, you feel upset that I don't want to have sex and think it is about you and that makes you feel hurt?” Nan would reflect. “Yes, that's right!” Harold would affirm. Nan might then say, “Well it isn't about you, it is about me.” Harold would reflect, saying “So, you are saying that your lack of interest in sex isn't about me but is something in you?” “Yes,” Nan would reply.

Such conversations initially feel unnatural and cumbersome, but are a very effective way to keep difficult dialogues from escalating. They enable couples to work through problems more effectively. Please remember and practice the skill of reflection the next time you have a difficult dialogue with your spouse.

Skill #7: Find the Grain of Truth

Another key skill during a difficult discussion is to find and reflect the grain of truth in what the other person is saying. When you are in conflict with your spouse, keep in mind that there is likely some truth in what he is saying. If you can find it and acknowledge it, the disagreement will de-escalate and a solution will be arrived at more quickly. This technique reminds me of my late father-in-law. When he and my mother-in-law were fighting, he would say to himself, “This is the woman I love and respect. She is a very smart woman. There must be some truth in what she is saying. I will find it.” The next time you are in the heat of battle with your husband, take a deep breath, slow down, and remember he is not the enemy and that he likely has some valid points. Nothing will defuse conflict quicker than if you or your spouse can say with sincerity, “I see your point.” So, when talking about sex or any other topic, remember to look for the other person's point that has validity and let them know that you see it.

Communication Skill #8: Time Your Difficult Communications Well

Timing is everything. What you have to say is not going to be heard if you say it at a lousy time. As a general rule, you should avoid having serious talks when you are at the peak of your exhaustion. In my marriage, the rule is that we don't have any serious discussions after 9 p.m., which is the time that my brain (as well as my sex drive) shuts down. Think about what time your brain shuts down. Do your best to not hold serious discussions at this time.

I had to get comfortable talking about sex or else I wouldn't have gotten my needs met.

— Nadine, 75

Sex Talk

Let's talk more directly about sex talk. Perhaps this is what you were expecting this entire chapter to focus on and you are thinking, “Finally!” If so, remember that before you can talk about sex, you will need to have learned good basic communication skills. We just did this, so now let's look at five types of sex talk.

Kitchen Table Sex Talk

Talking about sex may be difficult for you or your spouse. Many people are uncomfortable with the topic. My seventy-five-year-old friend Nadine said, “Men don't like to talk. That is why the touching is so important. I would talk during sex and say, “touch me there or here,” but we hardly ever talked about sex when we weren't having it.” Nadine explained that once, however, she had to talk with her husband about sex. She had to tell him that he had to slow down and take more time with foreplay. She had to tell him that women need things sexually too. Nadine says this was a hard discussion, but one that she had to have. She said, “I had to get comfortable talking about sex or else I wouldn't have gotten my needs met.” Sexual problems don't solve themselves; they need to be talked about. This is true for the problem of being too tired for sex.

When working with clients, I advocate that they talk about sex as they would any other topic. It would be unthinkable to tell our spouses that talking about money or parenting made us uncomfortable and have this be accepted as a legitimate excuse to shut discussion off. Sex is a fundamental part of marriage and of life, and it is important to make it a topic for open dialogue.

When I work with couples with sexual problems, the first step is talking about the problem. Do you recall Lisa and Alex, the couple in which the man thought that women didn't like sex? Without a conversation, they could have never resolved this misunderstanding. Once they did, they continued to talk and Lisa was able to tell Alex what she likes sexually. Alex did the same. They talked and talked until talking about their sexual preferences was as comfortable as talking about their food preferences. In fact, this is the goal I set with them. I encouraged them to learn to talk comfortably outside the bedroom and explained that this would help them to learn about each others' sexual needs and would also assist them in feeling comfortable talking during sex when needed. Lisa and Alex talked their way back into a good sex life.

Similarly, do you recall Marlene telling her spouse that she needed transition time between chores and sex? If sex was a taboo topic, she would have been unable to have this conversation. If she was unable to have this conversation, she would still be turning her husband down each time he came upstairs when she was folding laundry. Now, due to their ability to talk about sex, he comes upstairs and asks if she wants to have sex. If she does, she tells him that this sounds good but that she needs a little transition time first. Sometimes he offers to fold the laundry and she retreats to rest or read an erotic book. Sometimes she says yes and tells him she will come to get him when she is ready, after her chores are done and she has some down time. None of this could happen if they had not been able to talk about sex. Instead, they talked to successfully solve a sexual problem.

Kitchen Table Sex Talks are problem-solving talks that occur outside the bedroom. In fact, it is best to not bring up sexual dissatisfaction or any other difficult topic (e.g., money, children) in bed; the danger is a creating a negative association to a place that you want to be fun, exciting, and positive. It is better to have these talks in a safe, nonsexual place such as during a walk, or as the term suggests, at the kitchen table. Of course, make sure to use “I” statements and the other communication skills discussed in this chapter. Say, for example, “I think it would help me get turned on if you…” rather than “You don't seem to know how to turn me on.” Likewise, remember to time your Kitchen Table Sex Talks well; having them five minutes before relatives arrive for a visit isn't a good time. Neither is when you are exhausted. In the final section of this chapter, you will approach your husband to have your first Kitchen Table Sex Talk.

Having him talk to me like this helped me realize that there was something there to be found.

— Kimberly, 37

Provocative Sex Talk

While Kitchen Table Sex Talks are focused on dealing directly with problems and issues, Provocative Sex Talk is focused on having fun. Like Kitchen Table Sex Talks, they also occur at nonsexual times. Provocative Sex Talk is a type of everyday foreplay. Kimberly, a thirty-seven-year-old woman, has a husband who travels a lot. He calls her at night, after she has put the kids to bed, and sometimes says sexually provocative things. One time he asked her where her hands were and what her nipples looked like. Kimberly said that while at first she just laughed, eventually she played along and “this did something to me.” For Kimberly, Provocative Sex Talk helps her realize that, in her words, “there is something there to be found.”

Another type of Provocative Sex Talk is sharing one's sexual fantasies. Talking openly about one's fantasies is very intimate and can bring much closeness to a couple. Also, talking about fantasies outside of the bedroom allows couples to decide if the sexual fantasy is something that both partners would enjoy trying. Chapter 8 includes some resources on learning to use and share fantasies with your spouse.

Provocative Sex Talk also consists of jokes and evocative hints about sex, helping to keep sexuality in the forefront of your relationship. Provocative Sex Talk reminds you and your husband that you are more than just two people sharing the chores and hassles of daily life. It reminds you that you have a special secret that only the two of you share. According to Dianna, “Once the subtle teasing and insinuations of sex go away, that's when you are on that slippery slope. For me, that was the nail in the coffin.” Still, Dianna can take this nail out and try Provocative Sex Talk again. So can you.

An ideal time to experiment with Provocative Sex Talk is after you and your husband have had a successful sexual encounter. For example, if you have sex at night, you might want to send your husband an e-mail the next day. Perhaps something along the lines of: “I can't stop thinking of last night” or “Thinking of last night is getting me wet.” Then, keep this Provocative Sex Talk going.

As you recover your sex drive, you may find that your first twinges of horniness occur at times when you are not yet ready to drop into bed exhausted. If this occurs, call your husband at work and tell him that you are thinking of him and would like to make love. Even though you aren't likely to be able to pull this off, putting it out there can work wonders for becoming a sexual couple again.

If you aren't yet ready for Provocative Sex Talk, that's okay. Just keep it in mind as something to try later. You will be reminded of this when we get to Trysts.

Let's Have Sex Talk

As you will learn in the Tryst step, rarely do married couples, especially those with children, end up having sudden, unplanned passionate sex. This is because they have way too many other obligations and distractions. Besides, the kids are often right there! Given this, sex is often discussed first. Such discussions often begin with some kind of invitation from one partner to the other. Some couples have a secret language for such invitations. As you may recall, Lisa and Alex refer to sex as “making spaghetti.” For them, an invitation might come as the coded phrase, “I'd love to have a spaghetti dinner tonight. Would you?” “Do you want to have sex?” or “Should we have sex?” are more common conversation starters. Since these are questions that aren't questions (a pitfall of communication discussed earlier), a better phrasing would be “I would like to have sex and am wondering if you are interested.”

Because you generally feel too tired for sex, you likely aren't the one in your marriage initiating such invitations. Thus, it is very important that as soon as possible, you learn to accept or turn down your husband's invitations gracefully. The most graceful way to do either is with “I” statements. “I would love to have sex with you” is a loving acceptance of a husband's invitation to have sex. A graceful no might be “I love you and am attracted to you, but I am just too exhausted and distracted for it to work well. I hope we can find a time soon.” Something in between might be, “I would like to give it a try, but I am pretty tired so we may end up just cuddling.” The key is to use loving, “I” statements, whether saying yes or no to your husband's sexual advances. This is a type of sex talk you can begin practicing immediately.

Learning to make your own advances is also important. Don't worry if you aren't there yet. You will be by the time we get to the Tryst step. After reading that chapter, you may find yourself saying things along the lines of, “The kids are out, and I would like to make love while we have the house to ourselves.”

In-the-Midst Sex Talk

The media has misguided us about the importance of talk during sex. In the movies, no one talks during sex but everyone knows what to do and does it just right. In real-life sex, talking can be a powerful tool for enhancing passion and satisfaction. Talking during sex can serve many useful purposes.

MAKING REQUESTS

Talking during sex can include brief requests, such as the one Nadine referred to, instructing one's spouse to touch here or there, harder or lighter. “More,” “Faster” “Slower” “Harder,” or “Now” are words often uttered, sometimes intentionally and sometimes impulsively, during sex. This type of talk can be essential to enhancing sexual pleasure, and will be explained and practiced in more detail during the Touch step.

MAKING DECISIONS TOGETHER

Talking during sex can include making joint decisions about what you are doing, such as discussions about what position for intercourse each of you would prefer. Such discussions will go much better if you use “I” statements rather than questions that aren't questions! Instead of asking, “Do you want me to be on top?” or “What position sounds good to you?” say “I'd like you to be on top. Is this ok with you?” If you are used to having good communication and talking about sex outside of the bedroom, such discussions can go quickly during sex and any differing preferences can be easily worked out. Your husband may reply, “I prefer you be on top, but that's okay” or may counter with “I really want you to be on top” and you may say okay and climb on up. If you think this sounds unromantic, I urge you to think about how much more romantic it is than having sex that isn't enjoyable. That isn't going to do much to rev up your lacking libido!

IMPROVING SEX AS IT IS HAPPENING

Talking about sex can also focus on what is going on and improving it. For example, a couple I worked with shared a fairly amusing, but informative, story. The woman in this couple was in the midst of a job search. During one sexual encounter, her husband noticed that she seemed distracted. He simply observed this and sought to understand it. “I notice you seem distracted and wonder what's going on,” he stated. She replied in a forth-right manner, telling him, “I'm really sorry. But, honestly, I can't seem to let go. I keep rewriting my résumé in my head.” They then stopped for a few minutes and discussed what would help her to focus. She decided she needed a backrub since this helps her relax. Her husband gave her a massage, and she was able to let her worries go and focus on enjoying sex. Now, they use this as a quick way of conveying the notion of being distracted during sex. “Are you writing your résumé?” or “I want to have sex but I am afraid I am so stressed it will be résumé-writing sex,” one of them might say. For this couple, talking during sex helped to solve a problem that was occurring in the moment, and it also gave them a special way to talk about this same type of problem in the future.

CHECKING OUT ASSUMPTIONS

Talking during sex can also include checking out assumptions. Another couple I worked with, Jack and Anna, both had the problem of unchecked assumptions getting in their way during sex. Jack liked to receive oral sex, but worried that Anna would get tired of this. Likewise, Anna liked to receive manual stimulation but worried that Jack would get bored by doing the same thing over and over. Their unchecked assumptions created so much discomfort that by the time they came to see me, they had stopped having sex. They had tried multiple sex therapy techniques but none had worked. I advised them to check out their assumptions during sex. Anna learned to say, for example, “I am enjoying this but am afraid you are getting bored.” When Jack reassured her that he wasn't, she had to learn to trust he was telling the truth. When she did, she was then able to relax and enjoy herself. As stated by Anna, “I have read every self-help book on sex there is. None of them told me I have to get my faulty assumptions out of my head and verbalize them. It has worked magic! Everyone should talk during sex.”

It has worked magic! Everyone should talk during sex.

— Anna, 42

EXPRESSING IT'S HOT AND MAKING IT HOTTER

Talking during sex can also be used to give positive feedback, or as an additional turn-on. This type of talk can be done verbally or nonverbally. Often people sigh, moan, and groan during sex. These sounds, along with heavy breathing, are a way to tell our spouses what we like. Sex sounds may also enhance our sexual pleasure, both when we make them and when we hear them. In two separate studies, both men and women reported that sex sounds were a turn-on for them. Some scientists even hypothesize that there are legitimate physiological reasons that sex sounds are a turn-on, in that they involve hyperventilation and arousal of the central nervous system. Additionally, several sex therapists and writers point out that the deeper into the sexual experience we get, the less inhibited our sex sounds may be. Recall the notion of mindful sex from the previous chapter; for some, mindful sex is noisy sex. You might want to experiment with increasing your sex sounds.

Like sex sounds, actual verbal utterances made during sex can be used to give positive feedback, or as an additional turn-on. Just telling your spouse, “That feels good,” “I love the feel of your skin,” “You're getting me so hot,” or murmuring “mmmm” can be both reinforcing and exciting. Some women say that this kind of sex talk increases their ability to have mindful sex, since saying sexy things aloud keeps them away from having distracting thoughts; it's hard to be thinking about unpaid bills and saying sexy things at the same time. Nevertheless, women vary in what they are comfortable saying during sex. Some women like to voice their sexual fantasies during sex, to tell their partners what they are going to do to them, or to hear their partners say the same. Some women like to say or hear profane words. Other women would be uncomfortable with — or even turned off by — saying or hearing such words. Explicit talking during sex is a preference like any other; some people like it and some don't.

After-Glow Sex Talk

Talking after sex can be a useful experience. My friend Patti has a marvelous sex life. Routinely, after sex, she and her husband discuss what has just occurred. They sometimes rate their sex, on a one-to-ten rating scale. “What was that for you?” one of them will ask. They then use this as a way to discuss what would have made it a better encounter or to revel in pride at their high scoring accomplishment. They expect to sometimes have mutually low ratings. They also expect times when one of them reports a rating of two and the other reports experiencing a nine. All this is simply material for nondefensive and open discussion.

Sex Talk is Important Talk

My guess is that you will find some of these examples intriguing and some of them will sound a bit crazy to you. But, I hope my point is clear: sex talk is very important to a satisfying sex life and it is going to help you get your sex drive back. Talk about sex when you aren't having it. Talk about sex in the middle of having it. Talk about sex when you are done having it. The more you and your husband talk about sex, the more sexual you will feel!

Bring Your Husband on Board

It is time to have your first Kitchen Table Sex Talk about your waning libido and request your husband's assistance in helping you recover it. Where you start with this dialogue will depend on a variety of factors, including how much you have already been talking about your lost libido and how solid your communication skills are in general. Of course, if you find that you are frozen with dread and can't even begin this conversation, then you need more than this book has to offer. Turn to Appendix A to find a therapist. Do the same if you try this conversation and it turns out to be an awful experience. I certainly hope this doesn't happen — and I don't think it will for the vast majority of you — but I do want to account for all possibilities.

Accounting for a variety of possibilities is why I have included several sample scripts below.

Lead-in to Sample Scripts

First, you need to open the conversation. Try something along the lines of:

I want to talk with you about something important to me. I hope this is a good time, but I want you to tell me if it isn't.

I want to talk with you about my low sex drive and a book I've been reading. I'd like to get a sitter and go out to dinner to talk about this.

In short, make sure you are having this talk at an optimal time. And, as this talk progresses, remember to avoid making “you” statements or asking questions that aren't questions. Instead, use “I” statements.

I wish I could be with you as you have these conversations, as I am with the couples I counsel. However, I am confident you can do this! Use the scripts below as a guide to help get you started.

Sample Script #1

We haven't talked about this, but I know we've both noticed my lack of interest in sex lately. It has nothing to do with you or our marriage. It's because of how tired and stressed I am. I bought a book about it and think it could help. The author gives some homework assignments for us to try together. I'm hoping you're willing to do this with me. I love you and want to feel sexual again.

Sample Script #2

I know we've talked before about how I'm not too interested in sex lately. I heard of a book about this and I've been reading it. It's helped me figure out what's going on. It's not about us, it's about me. It's because I'm so tired and stressed. Apparently, women's sex drives are way more affected by stress than men's. I think this book can help me. But, I need your help too. The author recommends talking with your spouse about the problem, and she gives things for us to try together. I'd like to find a time each week to talk with you about the book and what the author suggests. Maybe I can even mark some passages in the book that I think would help for you to read. I hope you'll do this with me. I want us to have sex more often.

Sample Script #3:

I want to talk about our sex life. I know we'd both be happier if we were having sex more often. But, I always feel so tired that I'm not interested as often as I wish I was. So, I've been reading a book about it. It's actually really common. Anyway, the author has an approach she calls the Five T's and a Bit of Spice. The T's are thinking, talking, touch, time, and trysts. I did the thinking chapter, and it's helping. Now I've read the talking chapter and I learned some communication techniques that I want us to try together.

Sample Script #4:

I want to talk about how I'm so tired that we hardly ever have sex anymore. I don't want it to be like this. I want us to have sex more often again. So, I've been reading a book about it. It's already helped me feel better just knowing how common this is. The author has some suggestions that I think could help, but she says if they're going to work, it has to be something we do together. So I'd really like you to read the chapter I just read and then find a time to talk about it. I'd actually like to do this with the next four chapters since they have all the suggestions in them. I hope you'll do this with me. I think it would be good for us. I want to feel like I used to and have sex more often.

Sample Script #5

I'd like to talk with you about that book you've seen me reading. Katie said it helped her recover her drive and so I bought it to see if I could get mine back. I've learned some stuff I want to tell you about. The book talks about how we first have to learn to communicate better to get our drive back. It made me realize how we hardly ever say appreciative things to each other anymore. So, I don't know if you noticed, but I've been trying to tell you more each day how much I appreciate you. It's helped me focus on the good things about us. I'd really like if you could do this for me too. It may sound weird to you, but I'm sure it will be a good step for me in getting my sex drive back. I'd like us to try this. Actually, there are lots of things the book suggests that I would like to try, but I want to start with this one.

Likely, none of these scripts will fit your situation exactly. Use the parts that do and also add on your own words. Remember: You don't have to address everything in this first conversation! I sincerely hope — and predict — that it will be your first of many wonderful sex talks with your husband!

illustration talk homework

Your final and very important homework for this First-T, Talk, is to simply open the dialogue. Have a Kitchen Table Sex Talk about your lost libido and your desire to regain it.

Talk Step Wrap-Up

Good communication is the foundation of a good marriage and a good sex life. Remember the importance of asking for what you want, checking out assumptions, and working out issues as they arise. Keep in mind the notion that the purpose of disagreements is to get closer rather than to win. Practice the important communication skill of matching your verbal and nonverbal communications. Time your difficult dialogues well, and during them use reflection and work to find the grain of truth in your spouse's point-of-view. Don't ask questions that are not questions; instead get in touch with and express your needs with “I” statements. Finally, remember to say something loving and appreciate to your spouse every day. Talk about sex when you aren't having it: solve sex problems at the kitchen table. Make sexual jokes and innuendos to remind you and your husband that you are a sexual couple. Initiate and respond to sexual invitations with grace; use “I” statements for both. Talk during sex to solve problems, make decisions, check out your assumptions, give feedback, and turn up the heat. Have talking be part of the after-glow for you and your spouse. In short, talk your way back into a great sex life!