Chapter Three

THE INCIDENT THAT got her and Tash together was possibly one of the most mortifying incidents in her life. Belle was at a school dance, watching all her friends trying to catch the eye of all the boys and dancing moves that raised even her own eyebrows. Belle went to the bathroom and was brushing down her clothes when Jenny, a girl from her science class, came out of the cubicle. They began talking and eventually walked out to a quiet garden area, still talking about the dance and all the girls fussing over the boys. Belle admitted she wasn’t interested in the boys, and Jenny asked Belle if she was interested in girls. Belle had just come out to herself and wondered if Jenny was potentially interested. She’d confessed to Jenny that, yes, she was interested in girls—something she hadn’t even told Nikki at that point. Jenny had looked horrified and responded, “I actually thought you would have said no to that. I’ve never known a lesbian before.” To her credit, Jenny talked to Belle for a little longer, but after a few minutes, they returned to the dance and went their separate ways.

On Monday, however, the news had spread that Belle was a lesbian. Nikki was the one to break the news to Belle, confronting her in complete disbelief. At lunchtime, things got worse, when a group of girls taunted her and called her names. Belle had never been one to draw attention to herself and was mortified that her sexuality was being so publicly discussed while she was still coming to terms with it. She was angry with Jenny, but later discovered Jenny had only told one person and the rumour had spread like wildfire from there.

Tash, the school’s vice captain, two grades above Belle, heard the commotion and strode over to the group of girls surrounding Belle.

“What’s going on?” Tash asked. Many of the girls backed away, but a few remained and whispered to Tash that Belle was a lesbian. Belle was mortified and panicked that she was being dobbed into a school captain. She put her head into her hands, buying herself some time before she had to meet the eyes of the school leader. The older girl trying to sort things out.

When she finally looked up, she realised Tash had sent the girls on their way and sorted out all their drama. Belle was mortified. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry you had to come and fix that, and I promise you I’ve never done anything lesbian and certainly never will while I’m at school.”

Tash nodded, her blonde ponytail swishing. “None of my business,” Tash said, matter-of-fact. “That’s your business, and your business only.”

Belle was still anxious, but gave her a small, grateful smile. “Thanks.”

“I’m a little worried about you, though,” Tash said, which surprised Belle. “That must have been really hard to experience.”

Belle nodded awkwardly, finding herself opening up to this girl she had never talked to. “Well, I’m certainly not excited about coming to school again tomorrow, or, you know, the next two and a half years!”

“You’ll be okay. Maybe it would be worth getting some counselling.”

Belle raised her eyebrows. “I’m sure the nuns would love to hear about that.” She knew she was blushing. “I’ll be okay. I’m sure there are plenty of other gay girls at this school.” Belle gestured around the playground.

“Oh, there are,” Tash said with certainty.

When Belle and Tash told this story for the years to come, at various dinner parties or even just amongst themselves, as couples always do, Belle always wondered how she hadn’t picked up Tash’s loaded tone. The way Tash would eventually tell the story, this conversation was laden with flirtation and inuendo that Belle had totally missed; however, Belle was sure Tash had been just as anxious herself.

Over the next few weeks, the two of them became friends, starting with Tash taking Belle out for the occasional milkshake to talk things through. Tash had said to Belle that if she wasn’t going to see a counsellor, they’d at least have a regular milkshake to chat. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that Tash finally confessed to Belle that she, too, was gay. She had everything to lose, though, in her mind, and so no one knew—not her parents, nor any of her family members, and certainly not any of her classmates at school. As the school’s vice captain, she didn’t want to be the topic of discussion—she wanted a clean slate.

Furthermore, Tash was finishing school and heading into law school the following year—all going to plan that was, which for Tash always seemed to happen. For seventeen-year-old Tash, the stakes seemed too high, and so she wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardise her future, or her image at her school. That was more important than her heart, she’d decided. She wouldn’t ruin it on a whim. At least, that was the plan, but over numerous milkshake dates, eventually hanging out at one another’s houses, and even the odd sleepover, Belle and Tash became so important to one another that it felt so natural when Tash embraced Belle one evening, and they finally shared their first kiss. It wasn’t just their first kiss together; it was their first kiss ever.

Belle couldn’t wipe the grin off her face for weeks. She couldn’t believe that someone so pulled together and smart was interested in her. She couldn’t believe that Natasha Maree Evans was her girlfriend! Tash seemed just as happy, if not a little more low-key about things. They were both delighted, and the two of them spent every minute possible together. With Tash’s permission, they eventually told Nikki who was relieved that Belle hadn’t just found a best friend to replace her.

Despite taking the plunge on a relationship, Tash’s plan still did come to fruition, and she went to university to study law, while Belle finished high school. Eventually Belle joined Tash at university, studying events management and fashion, and they moved into a large share house with Nikki and two guys from Tash’s law school. That house had a bit of a rotating door, though, with people coming and going—Tash, Belle, and Nikki always remaining.

Tash graduated a year before Belle and became a graduate lawyer at some large firm in the city. Belle worked all through her studies in fashion stores and eventually got a full-time job coordinating various fashion parades and managing a small chain of stores. When Belle got her full-time job, Tash and Belle rented an apartment together—their first ever “couple” home. A year later they bought a different apartment in the same block—their first real home—and celebrated by throwing a civilised housewarming party, feeling very grown up.

By the time she was twenty-four, Belle was employed full time as an event manager for a slightly larger chain, and Tash, twenty-six, was exhausted by her busy law career. One night, Tash came home at eight, scoffed down the dinner that Belle had cooked, and said, “Let’s go and live in London!”

“London?” Belle had asked. This seemed so out of the blue.

“Why not? Every Australian eventually spends time in the UK. I’m nearly thirty. Life is passing me by! And look, I get home at eight o’clock!”

Belle pondered the idea. International experience would be beneficial for someone working in fashion, and so they rented their apartment out, packed their things in storage, and said farewell to their families and friends.

Belle and Tash had a ball in London, and eventually New York when the company Belle was working for expanded over there. The experience was excellent for her career but probably made little difference to Tash’s. Tash didn’t care about that—she was hardworking but seemed a little burnt out. She was no longer particularly ambitious. Her legal career had jaded her a bit and she just wanted to do the “right thing,” rather than necessarily work harder to succeed quickly. Belle, on the other hand, was feeling inspired in her field, so climbing the ladder was now Belle’s goal. By then, Tash had caught the travel bug and was thrilled to be able to spend her weekends flitting off to Ireland or the Netherlands when they were in London, and to DC or even Canada when they were in New York. They didn’t go home once in their five years overseas—something which wasn’t particularly popular with their families—but Belle and Tash were having far too much fun and enjoying one another’s company so much that they never felt lonely.

They managed to talk to their families through Skype and WhatsApp regularly enough, and at the end of their five years, they reluctantly packed up to return home to their apartment. Tash in particular felt down about returning home but was also ready to leave the US. She needed something to look forward to, she had said. Belle suggested attending concerts, weekends away, or maybe planning a cruise, but nothing seemed to hit the spot for Tash.

Suddenly, Tash suggested they start a family. Again, Belle was surprised, but she’d learnt enough about Tash over the years to understand that Tash did get a bit directionless and flat if she didn’t have something energising her. Besides, they’d been together such a long time, and Belle was twenty-nine and Tash had just turned thirty-one. Maybe it was time to settle down, back home in Australia, and start a family. They agreed that their apartment wouldn’t be suitable, so made a decision to buy a house when they got back to Brisbane.

They returned home to the excited embraces from their families, and moved in with Tash’s family for a few months while house hunting. They finally purchased a five-bedroom, two-bathroom house, that stretched them to their limits, but left just enough to pay for the fertility treatment they planned. Tash had done all the sums—as spontaneous as she was to make decisions, she was the planner of the two of them and left nothing to chance. Through all of this, they’d never discussed who would carry the baby, and Belle assumed that Tash might want to, given her age, but when they finally got around to the conversation, Tash said she wanted a “mini Belle” and would prefer to not carry herself. Belle was secretly delighted, and they commenced the series of required medical appointments.

On the day of the egg retrieval, the fertility specialist had said he was hoping to get ten eggs, based on the scans. When Belle woke from the sedation and saw the number fifteen written on her hand, she was even more delighted. Fifteen eggs gave them many more chances. With fifteen eggs, they’d definitely get a baby, Belle thought.

The fertility specialists worked their magic, mixing the fifteen eggs with the magic sperm the couple had shipped in from the clinic. Tash had spent many nights looking for a donor. It was Belle’s request that Tash select the donor, since they were using Belle’s eggs. Eventually, Tash provided Belle with the donor codes of three men, and Belle had to make the final decision out of the three. She opted for a blonde-haired, blue-eyed donor, to match Tash’s appearance, and he happened to be a law student, selected for obvious reasons. Tash was thrilled with Belle’s choice, and the two of them proceeded, never once imagining that life wouldn’t work out happy ever after—at least, as far as Belle was concerned.

First, only thirteen eggs fertilised, and the clinic told them this was very good news. Belle wasn’t worried; it only took one embryo to produce a baby.

The first cycle didn’t work, though.

Belle and Tash came crashing down. Everything pretty much went to plan for the two of them, and so to have a hiccup caused them so much grief. Belle tried to be optimistic. They’d try again two months later. Two months later, though, and they got yet another phone call telling them that Belle wasn’t pregnant. A lot of tears, a lot of emotions, a lot of stress and tension. They tried three more times. Belle suggested they try to get Tash pregnant, but Tash asked Belle to try six goes. The IVF was causing Belle to get so emotional, which was unlike her, and she was resenting Tash getting on with her normal life. Eventually on the sixth attempt, the doctor suggested they transfer two embryos. Somehow that worked. They finally received the phone call that had them in tears of joy, rather than tears of sadness. Pregnant!

Belle and Tash celebrated and told their families and Nikki. They were simply thrilled, calculating the due date.

“I wonder if it’s twins,” Tash said excitedly. “I wonder if both embryos took.” Belle was secretly relieved when the scan showed just one heartbeat.

The months passed, and the couple excitedly prepared the nursery, bought the pram, and discussed the various parenting books they read. When Cora arrived, kicking and screaming into the world, the new mums were absolutely in love and agreed they wanted another two children. Given how long it had taken for Belle to fall pregnant with Cora, Tash gently suggested that Belle should try again sooner rather than later, and Belle reluctantly agreed, even stopping breastfeeding early so that they could try again. They rushed back to the clinic to do a frozen embryo transfer to start the process for a sibling for Cora. This time they were shocked that it worked first go. Their babies would be just fifteen months apart. Belle was anxious, but Tash seemed excited and told Belle not to worry, which calmed Belle a little. They were a team, and they would manage.

But as the pregnancy progressed, Tash became anxious. Cora was waking often, and Belle and Tash were struggling with their sleepless nights. Their anxiety about coping with two small babies heightened. Suddenly both Belle and Tash were nervous and worrying, and that led to them snapping at one another, and generally not having much fun together. By the time Ada was born, Belle and Tash felt almost like strangers to one another, and they didn’t know how to reclaim the incredibly close bond they’d once shared. Belle read relationship books and tried to implement strategies. They kept talking about how they may be able to reconnect, about ways to carve out some more me time and couple time, but over the months and weeks, Tash’s me time apparently became us time for her and Amanda. By the time Belle felt she was coming through the fog of parenting two young babies and finally felt ready to take some time to get their careers and relationship back on track a little before completing their family with a third child, Tash had ended their nineteen-year relationship.

Belle was shocked. She hadn’t seen it coming.

Nearly two decades as lovers, best friends, and partners in life—more than half their life, and two babies later—and their relationship was completely done. The end of their romance felt like the end of all of Belle’s hopes and dreams. If she couldn’t make it work with Tash, the love of her life, the person who knew her better than anyone, then she couldn’t make it work with anyone else. The end of their romance somehow made it seem that all of their memories—of their five years travelling together, of all of the nights spent talking until the early hours of the morning, of all of their adventures, hopes, and dreams—had never happened. Their relationship was witness to hours and hours of conversations, dates, and adventures, and these stories would no longer grow old with them. Belle had never felt so lonely, and yet, she was the mother to two young children. She never really got a moment alone. How can you be lonely when you’re never alone?

Belle didn’t understand why Tash wasn’t willing to try to fix things, especially after their amazing adventures together, and she persisted, trying to get them to see a counsellor or talk openly about what was going wrong. Belle sent Tash letters, text messages, and arranged catch ups, hoping that Tash would understand what they were saying goodbye to by ending things. Their future, and the life they’d imagined for their children, and eventually, perhaps, their grandchildren.

Finally, months after their relationship ended, Tash told Belle that she’d started dating Amanda. Belle wasn’t stupid. She realised they’d started an affair before Tash had ended their relationship. No wonder Tash hadn’t been willing to try. Belle was broken hearted, but somehow it helped her to know there was no chance. It was pointless to keep trying. It was Tash’s choice. Everything had always been Tash’s choice.

Belle spent the first year single trying to work out what Belle’s choice was, without Tash’s input. The trouble was, she didn’t really know what she’d wanted. She’d started dating Tash when they were so young that everything Belle had done had been somehow influenced by Tash. Tash was taller, slimmer, smarter, prettier, older, and much more opinionated. Belle had always felt fortunate to have caught Tash’s interest and happy to follow along with Tash’s whims. She should have known Tash’s interest would have been fleeting. She had worried about that in the early days, but over sleepovers and milkshakes, they’d seemed to establish such a strong bond that Belle, at least, thought what they had was forever.

Tash had been the leader in their relationship—from the pace of their relationship, to their decision to travel, to return, to have a baby, even which brands of products to buy; hell, she was even the leader in all the sexual adventures they’d shared. Though they’d moved to America for Belle’s career, it was mostly because, by then, Tash was bored in the UK and felt that a change of scenery was what was needed. Perhaps Tash was always quickly bored, always looking for the next adventure. In the absence of study, career, travel, and IVF, her new adventures had become girls—Amanda first, and finally Amanda wasn’t enough, and she’d moved on to a string of various women, and now Emily. In some ways Belle pitied her.

Now, Tash was making another choice. She was going to have a third baby, and she was giving away their embryos to Belle. Belle had never thought of the embryos as hers because despite being connected to her genetically they were theirs—Tash’s and Belle’s. They wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for the two of them, and they wouldn’t have happened without the donor Tash had carefully selected. The donor that Emily would now get pregnant by.

Belle was hurt, frustrated, and anxious about the future. She knew that opting not to have a third baby was going to be hard, particularly when she saw Cora and Ada’s new sibling when Tash and Emily exchanged the girls back and forth. However, she was on track for another promotion and feeling especially inspired by her career. She didn’t want to return to the baby days given she was now alone. On the spur of the moment, Belle had mentioned donating the embryos when she’d talked to Nikki, and the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. The clinic had told them that they could donate embryos to another family, to science, or discard them. Discarding them was simply out of the question to her. Perhaps it was Catholic guilt, but there was no way Belle could do that. Science or another family, therefore, were her only options. Without their donor, they wouldn’t have Cora and Ada, so Belle thought donation to a family might make sense—a nice way to give back.