Chapter Four

BELLE WOKE UP on Monday morning and grabbed her gym bag. Her gym habit was a little haphazard—she only ever went the weeks she didn’t have the girls, and even then, she wasn’t always committed to rising early. If she allowed herself to put off until the evening, she never felt like going. This particular Monday, she jumped up, dressed in her leggings and T-shirt, and drove to the gym for a spin class. She loved cycle classes the most because she found she could switch off almost completely and just pump her legs, cycling her way through the sixty minutes. In contrast, dance classes or aerobics required so much concentration for her that they weren’t a stress relief. Although Belle loved dancing, she felt awkward trying to follow the instructor’s moves—something she didn’t feel when she was hidden away on the back, corner bicycle.

After her workout, she went to the gym shower, then dressed in a vibrant red work dress, heels, and cardigan; she felt ready to face the day. The gym offered a basic breakfast as part of the membership—more motivation to go to the gym in the morning, rather than wait until after work. She sat with her bowl of muesli, topped with cereal, coupled with a glass of juice, and read the novel she was half-way through. Belle sighed happily. Although she never signed up to a life of fifty-fifty parenting, she had to admit, there were some perks to it. Having more me time than she’d had in a long time seemed like the bonus of a bad situation.

Through the day, her decision about the embryos was nagging at her. Although Belle had given herself up to a year to decide, she didn’t want to live wondering. Instead, she wanted to decide what was the best decision. She knew she needed to know more. So, that evening, after making herself a chicken stir-fry and devouring it in front of the TV, Belle reached for her laptop and started to research embryo donation. She found a few Facebook groups, on which she lurked rather than participated. Some people who became parents through embryo donation seemed to be incredibly grateful for the gift they received, while others felt sad that they hadn’t managed to conceive on their own. Then, there were the donor-conceived kids, now adults, who also seemed to fall into two categories—those incredibly grateful for both their donors and their parents, and those who resented that they’d been donor conceived and almost felt that a life as a donor-conceived child might have been worse than no life at all.

Belle had to admit to herself that these people in particular pulled at her heart strings, and she wondered if she was just better off donating to science. But, the stories of the grateful donor conceived kids and the very grateful recipient parents warmed her heart. As she scrolled through message after message while sipping a warm mug of hot chocolate, Belle had no idea what to think or what plan of action to take. Not for the first time, she was sad that Tash was planning to have a third child while Belle was effectively giving her wish for a third child away—donating her dream. Tash and Emily could be living this dream together. It made Belle really question why Tash had ended their relationship. Belle had often consoled herself, thinking perhaps Tash wasn’t cut out for full time parenting, and it was easier to walk away when the going got tough. Perhaps Tash was attracted to the idea of raising their kids fifty-fifty so she got a break.

But now, she was embarking on full-time parenting with Emily—all going to plan, that is. Maybe it was Belle that had driven Tash away, not just the circumstances of their life. It was all too much to consider, and really saddened Belle. She had come to terms with the end of their relationship long ago, but the idea of a third child had always been her plan, and she couldn’t help but resent that Tash and Emily would be living her dream.

Later in the week, after working too many hours to be healthy, Belle was looking forward to a relaxing weekend prior to getting the children back on Sunday. Normally the kid handover was done on a Friday night, after school and day care, but because of the swap the weekend prior, this week it would occur on the Sunday. Belle had to admit she was looking forward to having some time alone after such a long week. Maybe Sundays were a better day for handover, given both she and Tash tried to do more work in their child-free week. Still, she supposed that soon enough it wouldn’t matter to Tash, once she had a third child. Her whole life would revolve around a baby’s routine once again. Belle didn’t envy that.

On Friday evening, she went for drinks with some people from work. It felt nice to let her hair down, and one of the advantages of being single and living alone was that she didn’t have to answer to anyone. It wasn’t that Belle was a party girl—it was just nice to go out and not watch the clock, to not have someone expecting her home, waiting for her. Belle led a fairly quiet life though, so drinks after work on a Friday night was about as exciting as it got. Occasionally she’d go out dancing with Nikki, but that tended to depend on Nikki’s relationship status, and now that Nikki was happily coupled up again, Belle expected that would be off the cards. Belle did enjoy going to a gay nightclub every now and again, just to feel part of the scene, but so much had changed since she was young, and having coupled up in high school, she’d never really been part of the scene, anyway. These days, the clubs certainly made her feel old and boring. She loved to dance but felt old and frumpy on the dance floor. She hadn’t even slept with anyone but Tash. She just wasn’t a casual fling type of girl.

Just as much as she didn’t want to chase women for anything casual, she also didn’t want another relationship. Although Nikki and Belle’s sister, Alex, regularly encouraged Belle to date online, any time Belle started to look, she lost interest pretty quickly. She simply didn’t have the faith in relationships that she’d once had. Blind trust was not something she believed in anymore. She felt jaded and cranky with women, even though it was just Tash who’d hurt her. No, dating wasn’t on the agenda. Belle had long ago decided it was best to just focus on work and the kids—and they kept her busy enough.