He’s never said he loves me.
Shannon came awake with that thought in the forefront of her mind.
But surely he does. Surely he wouldn’t have asked me to marry him unless he loved me.
She got out of bed, pulling a light shawl over her shoulders as she headed for the door. Her bedroom was too warm and she longed for a cool breeze.
I haven’t told him I love him either, but I do. He must know that I do.
A nearly full moon, hanging low in the western sky, illuminated her white nightgown as she stepped onto the small front porch. Although there was no cool breeze, she pulled the shawl closer as she sank onto one of the chairs. Grand Coeur was silent at this wee hour before dawn. Even the saloons and dance halls were closed, proprietors and customers having taken to their beds at last.
Of course he loves me. The way he kissed me . . . Oh, how she loved his kisses. How she wished he would kiss her more often. But that would soon change. Look at all that had happened since his proposal. There’d been wedding plans to make that had occupied so much of Shannon’s time. And then Alice had died and there’d been the funeral to get through and the grief to deal with.
What if he doesn’t love me? Would I still marry him if he doesn’t?
The question frightened her. She didn’t think she wanted to find the answer.
Somewhere on the far side of town, a dog barked. From the west, she heard the nicker of a horse. Neither sound was close. They carried easily in the night air.
Is Sheriff Dickson right? Does Matthew intend to return to driving a stagecoach soon? How much will he be away?
Married but alone. Well, not alone. She would have Todd with her.
“I reckon it allowed her to die in peace, knowing you’d be there to care for the boy after she was gone . . . Matt’s lucky . . . Not every woman wants a readymade family . . .”
Her head began to ache, and a shiver—despite the warmth of the night—ran up her spine.
Father God, whatever is wrong with me? Am I ill?
No, not ill. Anxious. Agitated. Troubled. But why? Why, when she had so many reasons to be happy? It wasn’t as if she hadn’t known Matthew liked driving a stagecoach and that he planned to return to it. He’d said so plainly enough in the restaurant their first morning in town. “I’m not the kind of man to stay too long in one place.” Those had been his very words. “I’ll be back to driving the coach. I don’t reckon that’ll be too long.”
No, it wasn’t the notion that he would return to driving coach that troubled her. What troubled her was not knowing why he wanted to marry her. She needed him to tell her why. She needed him to love her.
After Alice died, William had told Matthew to take the rest of the week off. “You’ve got enough to deal with,” he’d said. “Come back to work after the wedding.”
It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’d been moments during the week when Matthew hadn’t been too sure. He had too much time on his hands. Too much time to think, to dwell on his concerns about Todd, to wonder if he would make a decent guardian for the boy and a decent husband to Shannon.
Shannon . . .
He hadn’t seen her at all yesterday, the day after the funeral, and the truth was he’d missed her. She’d become a part of his life. A necessary part of his life. Not just because she’d cared for Alice and for Todd. Her presence was necessary to him too. For his contentment.
Contentment? Yes. Contentment. Matthew had found contentment. The realization surprised him. Despite the sorrow over his sister’s death, he wasn’t longing for his old way of life as he had in those first weeks in Grand Coeur. He didn’t seem to mind the hours he spent in the express office because he knew when he came home he would see Shannon.
There was no question about it any longer. He didn’t just like Shannon Adair. He wasn’t merely fond of her. It wasn’t only desire he felt for her, and it wasn’t because of Todd that he wanted to marry her. He couldn’t imagine his life without her in it—because he’d fallen in love with her.
The discovery was still fresh in Matthew’s mind when he answered a knock at the door to find Shannon standing on the veranda. He smiled, glad to see her, but she didn’t smile in return.
“May I speak with you, Matthew?”
“Of course.” He motioned for her to come in.
“Alone?”
“Sun Ling isn’t here right now and Todd fell asleep in the parlor. He’s been having bad dreams at night.”
“Oh,” she said, “I’m sorry to hear that.” But she didn’t step inside the house.
After waiting a few moments in silence, Matthew was the one to move out onto the veranda.
Shannon turned and walked to the railing, her eyes trained on the three horses in the corral.
He had the feeling she didn’t want him standing too close. “What’s wrong, Shannon?”
“I need . . . I need to ask you something.”
He moved to stand at the railing as well but kept a respectful distance.
She turned her head to look at him. “Why do you want to marry me? Why did you propose?”
“Why? Well, I—”
“Was it because of Todd? So there would be a woman to look after him while you were away?”
Put in those words, it sounded bad. But there were plenty of marriages in the world that had begun for worse reasons.
Her face grew pale. “Is that the only reason?” she asked, her voice cracking.
“Shannon, I—”
“You plan to return to driving again, don’t you?”
“I don’t know. I used to want to, but . . . but things are different now.”
“Things are different now,” she echoed in a whisper. “You never said you loved me. I should have known it was only because of Todd.”
He took a step toward her. “It’s not. I do love you.”
“No.” She shook her head as she matched his movement by taking a step back. “Don’t lie to me just so I’ll marry you. Just so I’ll be there to look after Todd. At least be kind in that regard.”
“I’m not lying.”
“It’s all so painfully clear. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. Alice wanted me to marry you because of Todd. You wanted me to marry you because of Todd. That’s why you proposed. That’s why the wedding needed to take place so quickly. Because Alice was about to die and Todd would need a new mother. A wife is preferable to a governess, I’m sure.”
Matthew didn’t know what to say. Shannon was right. She was right about all of it. Everything except for the part about him not loving her, and he’d only begun to understand his true feelings this very day.
“You must think me a fool,” she said softly.
“No, I don’t.”
“Or perhaps you think me desperate for a husband.”
“Of course not.” His voice rose in frustration. If she would just give him a chance to explain.
She headed for the steps. “I’ll send Father for Ginny. You needn’t take care of her any longer. Not now that we’ve broken our engagement.”
“Broken our . . . ? Shannon, wait. Please.”
He reached for her arm but she pulled away. Then she was off and running, out of the yard, down the street, and around the corner, taking herself from his view.
Hot tears burned Shannon’s throat and eyes. Blinded by them, it was a wonder she didn’t stumble and fall headlong into the street. Halfway to the parsonage, she stopped and wiped the tears away.
What was she to do now? She wasn’t ready to tell her father what had happened. She wasn’t ready to tell him that she couldn’t marry Matthew. Wouldn’t marry Matthew.
“I do love you.” His voice in her head caused the tears to flow again.
Lifting her skirt, she turned and headed away from the parsonage, following the road into the mountains, up into the trees where she’d gone riding with Matthew and Todd, to the place where Matthew had kissed her the first time. Pain knifed through her chest at the memory.
So this was what a broken heart felt like.
She’d grieved the loss of her mother. She’d mourned the death of Benjamin. But this was different somehow.
I should have known. I should have known he didn’t love me. I should have known I needed him to love me.
If only she could hate him. She wanted to hate him. She wanted once again to think him a foolish, ignorant man—if for no other reason than he wasn’t a Confederate sympathizer. She wanted to believe him beneath her contempt. Just as she’d thought him that first morning in Grand Coeur. But it wasn’t in her to hate him, and she knew him too well now to think him foolish or ignorant. He’d loved his sister and he loved his nephew. He’d tried to do right by them. He was still trying to do right by Todd. She was the one who’d read more into his proposal than was there. She was the foolish, ignorant one.
She was the one he didn’t love.
She left the narrow, dusty road and sank to the ground under a tall pine. Leaning her back against its trunk, she covered her face with both hands and gave in to the tears. She didn’t try to hold back the sobs. Who would hear her? She cried until she had no more tears left. Until she was spent and her breaths came in tiny gasps. Until at last she fell as silent as the forest surrounding her.
Conscious thought left her. There was only the silence . . . and the emptiness of her heart.
Matthew and Todd went looking for Shannon, first at the parsonage, then at the church. The reverend was in the latter location, but he hadn’t seen his daughter since breakfast.
“What’s wrong, Matthew?” her father asked.
“I’m afraid I’ve hurt her, Reverend Adair.”
“Hurt her?”
Matthew glanced toward the doorway, wanting to resume his search. “She’s broken our engagement.” He looked again at the reverend.
Delaney Adair’s expression made it obvious Shannon hadn’t spoken to her father before going to see Matthew.
“Reverend, would it be all right if Todd stayed with you for a while? I need to find Shannon. I need to explain and I . . . I think it would be better if we could talk in private.”
“Of course. Of course.” Reverend Adair motioned for Todd to come stand beside him. “God go with you, Matthew.”
“Thank you, sir.”
When Matthew stepped outside a few moments later, he said a quick prayer. Where had Shannon gone, if not home? Into town? He didn’t think it likely. To call upon a woman friend perhaps? Who would that be? Alice had been her closest—and perhaps only—friend in Grand Coeur. To the dress shop to cancel her wedding gown? Even that seemed improbable.
His gaze was drawn to the north. She would want to be alone. At least he would if he were in her shoes. He set off, following the road out of town and into the mountains.
Help me find her, Lord. Help me explain.
Explain? He wasn’t sure an explanation would help anything. He had to convince her of his true feelings, the ones he hadn’t been smart enough to recognize until it was too late.
Almost too late, he amended silently. He wasn’t giving up yet. Almost too late.
With long strides, he followed the road until he reached the trees.
Only then did he slow his pace. He wanted to shout her name, but he was afraid she wouldn’t answer him if he did. Worse, she might try to hide herself. He couldn’t risk it. He had to find her, had to convince her of his love. For the more he thought about it, the more he realized he couldn’t imagine life without her by his side.
Alice knew. He stopped for a moment, mulling this new revelation. Alice knew I loved Shannon.
No wonder his sister had urged him to propose. It hadn’t been for the sake of her son alone. It had been for Matthew’s sake as well. Just like she’d said.
He moved on, raking the forest with his gaze. If Shannon had come into the mountains, if he’d chosen the right road, he could still miss her. Her dress, as he recalled, was the same color as the mule deer that populated these mountains, a perfect shade for blending in with nature.
And then he saw her, sitting on the ground about ten or fifteen yards above the road, her back against a tree. Her knees were drawn up to her chest beneath her gown, and she hugged her legs with her arms, her face buried in the folds of her skirt at her knees.
I’m the cause of her sadness.
He moved up the incline toward her. When a twig snapped beneath his boot, he heard a small gasp of surprise as she raised her head. There was no welcome in her eyes when she saw who it was.
He stopped. “Shannon, we need to talk.”
“Please go away.” She scrambled to her feet.
“We can’t leave things like this.”
“Of course we can.” She looked around, as if she thought she might find a way of escape, a place where he could not follow.
She wouldn’t find such a place. He’d follow her to hell and back if that’s what it took to convince her he wanted her as his wife, convince her of his love.
“Please go away,” she repeated. She headed for the road, giving him a wide berth.
Matthew turned and followed. “Look, Shannon. Maybe you’re right about why I proposed in the first place. But only because I hadn’t had a chance to recognize what I felt for you. How could I? Alice was sick and I had a new job and I’ve never felt anything like this before.”
She didn’t reply except to quicken her pace.
“Shannon, please.”
Up ahead of them, a horse and buggy trotted into view from the other side of a small rise in the road.
Shannon raised her right arm and called out, “Wait!” Then she broke into a run. “Mr. Burkette! Wait!”
Recognizing the driver of the buggy at the same time Shannon called his name, Matthew came to a halt, a curse word rising in his throat. He swallowed it back.
Joe Burkette stopped the horse and waited for Shannon to reach him. Matthew couldn’t hear what she said, but Burkette nodded and gave her a hand into the buggy. Then he turned the horse around and headed back in the direction of Grand Coeur.
Matthew could learn to hate that man.