“Sam.”
“I was . . . I wanted to walk you to lunch.” He’s shaking his head. His face is like someone punched him in the stomach. “I don’t know why I’m surprised. I shouldn’t be surprised.”
I rush over to him. “There’s nothing going on with Nico. He just—he wants there to be, but I told him I was with you.”
“Is that why you didn’t want to be seen holding my hand this morning? You’re still holding out hope for him?”
“That wasn’t it.” But what was it then?
“So you didn’t drop my hand and spring away from me as soon as you saw him walking up? That was just in my head?” His face is heavy with the challenge, and when I don’t say anything—because I can’t really deny that, can I?—his eyes darken even further.
“I guess I can only be mad at myself for being so stupid, for believing that last week . . . what we had . . . was anything real. Was I just a nice little break for you? You know, before you got back to reality and the person you really wanted?”
“Of course not!” I grab his hand, and I can feel him wanting to pull away, but he doesn’t. I touch the side of his face. “Last week was real life, and it was more than I ever could have imagined. You are perfect, Sam, and you have been so good to me, and I’m telling you now that I didn’t let anything happen with Nico. I am with you and not him, and I would never do that to you.”
“I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice, Tessa,” he says, “some sort of consolation prize. You’ve always been my first choice, and I deserve that back. Can you tell me that I’m your first choice?”
I want to explain to Sam that he wasn’t my first choice, but he is now. Or at least I think he is. Or at least he will be when I get a second to catch my breath. But this moment between us is so tenuous that I’m scared to say anything, do anything, that will scare him away.
Apparently my silence is enough of an answer, though, and his face shutters. The vulnerable, soft side is tucked away to be protected—to be protected from me.
“Forget I asked, Tessa.”
He starts off down the hallway, moving fast, and pushes the button for the elevator, which opens immediately as if it was waiting for him. He gets in, but before the doors can close, I jump in after him.
“Are you sure you want to be seen with me?” He scoffs. I flinch at his tone. He’s never talked to me like this before.
“I just . . . I need you to let me get my thoughts together. It’s a lot to process today.”
“Why bother processing anything? Because if you’re putting me and Nico up against each other in your mind, we both already know who’s going to win. I don’t need to wait around for the results.”
“I’m not saying these things! Stop acting like you know what I’m thinking!” We’re getting dangerously close to the first floor, and I can feel whatever is left between us slipping away. Once we get to the bottom, I know I’ll lose him. So I do the only thing I can think of—I pull up the glass protective cover and slam the emergency button. The elevator car screeches to a stop.
“Sam, please, can we slow this down? You’re assuming you know what I want, what I’m thinking, and I’m not even sure yet. I just know that I like me and you, and this isn’t supposed to end. Not like this.”
“Why delay the inevitable?” he says, not looking me in the eye. “And wait—” His gaze whips from the bright red emergency button that I pushed and back to my face. “Are you seriously trying to use something off that stupid happily ever after list right now? You know I’ve seen it, right?”
“I mean, that wasn’t . . . It is, but I wasn’t thinking about—I just want us to talk.”
“This isn’t a game to me, Tessa.” His voice is small, and I can’t stand the look of hurt on his face.
I know this is my chance to convince him—to explain away everything with Nico. To make him understand how I really feel. But all I can manage is “I like you, Sam.” I hate that my voice cracks when I say it. I hate that it doesn’t feel like enough.
He looks at me, and his green eyes are shiny. There’s pain there, but also resolution. “I like you too. But I’m done.”
He brushes past me to pull the red button. The door springs open, and a crowd of students and staff members is waiting for us. He walks away without turning back.