SHE WAS GONE.
Jeremy stared at the spare room with disbelief. She’d run. Granted, last night had been a disaster. But he would have taken her to the airport. He’d hoped that they’d get up this morning and be able to talk about what had happened without the high emotions of last night. Maybe even change her mind.
But she was gone.
He wandered to the main living area, his heart sore. The flower arrangement she’d bought was still on the dining table; the evergreen centerpiece in the living room, along with that silly little tree. A few dishes remained in the sink from where they’d had a cup of coffee yesterday afternoon before heading to Connecticut.
She was still here, whether he wanted her to be or not.
Jeremy wandered to the windows and looked out over the snowy city. She’d been right about pretty much everything. He should have stood up to his mother. Why not? It wasn’t as if they had a relationship to speak of anyway. But that house... Anytime he was inside he was back to being that little boy again. Protecting himself and his feelings against ridicule and neglect. Poor little rich boy.
He knew very well that rich people could be miserable, too.
It was eight o’clock now. She’d be boarding in an hour, heading back to Nova Scotia and the family and job she loved. After yesterday, he had no right to take her away from that. No matter how much he’d really wanted to try for the life they’d begun to plan.
And his baby... He sank onto the sofa and put his head in his hands. No matter what she thought of him, he wouldn’t put either of them through a legal battle. And there was no way he’d take the baby from her. She was going to be a damned good mother.
He wandered through the day aimlessly. Sarah called on her way back from Connecticut and he put her off. Cole texted and he didn’t reply. Right now he was licking his wounds.
If only she hadn’t heard him in Bruce’s office. He could have kept his mom at arm’s length and then gone on with his plans. And yet, deep down, he knew that was a coward’s reasoning.
He’d been fighting his feelings all week. He’d kept telling himself that he wasn’t capable of love. That it wasn’t on his agenda. That it wasn’t necessary for them to make this work.
But he’d been lying to himself. He did love her. Maybe he had from the beginning, when their connection had been so strong it had knocked him off his feet. When he’d looked for a reason to go back and see her again. Bringing her here to New York.
Making love.
It had been love, too. Not just sex. He just hadn’t wanted to admit it because it scared the hell out of him. Love was a weakness that could be exploited.
Except Tori would never do that. He knew that in his heart, and he’d lied to himself until it was too late and she had walked away.
And he could tell her all of that, but she was right. She didn’t know which version was true, and she couldn’t uproot her life for someone she didn’t trust.
She’d loved him. She’d said it. And he’d messed it up by denying what was right in front of his face.
He sat on the sofa until the light turned dark again.
Arrivals seemed to take forever. First, she was seated at the very back of the plane, which meant she was last to get off. Then there was the long walk to customs, and the line to get through. Then waiting for luggage. Finally she cleared the secure area and walked through the doors to see her mom waiting, a smile on her face.
Tori started to cry.
“Oh, honey!” Shelley came forward and gave her a big, reassuring hug while Tori’s hand clung to the handle of her suitcase. “Come on. Let’s get you to the car and you can tell me what happened.”
She had never been so glad to see someone in her whole life.
It took only a few minutes to reach the car in the parking garage and head out onto the highway that would take them first into Halifax, and then down to the South Shore. For the first few minutes, Shelley simply reached over and patted Tori’s hand, as if to say, It’s going to be okay. She kept quiet for ten minutes or so, and then simply said, “So what went wrong?”
Tori sighed. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Then let’s stop somewhere to eat. Neither of us has had lunch. Did you even have breakfast?”
She shrugged. “I had a yogurt at the airport.”
“Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t care.”
Shelley quieted again, and then turned off the highway and drove to a diner in Bedford. “Quieter here than Cora’s on a Sunday,” she said. “And breakfast all day. Come on.”
She wasn’t feeling very hungry, but she ordered a breakfast skillet anyway, to make her mom happy. And orange juice, because it was her favorite.
Once they’d placed their orders, Shelley looked at her with a “tell your mom about it” expression. “Okay. So you came back a few days early, looking like a whipped puppy. What happened?”
She told her mom everything. By the time she finished, their meals had been placed in front of them and Shelley had gotten a refill of her coffee.
“Baby girl,” she said, on a sigh. “You’re right. You deserve a man who will stand up for you, and for your family. Who will do the right thing.”
“I thought he was that man, you know? That’s what hurts so much.” She picked at a chunk of hash-browned potato in her skillet.
“You think he was pretending the whole time?”
Her fork kept moving the piece of potato around and around. “I did when I first heard what he said. And then... Oh, Mom. I don’t know. It’s hard to believe that it wasn’t real. The whole week was actually pretty magical. And when he heard the baby’s heartbeat...”
“You wonder how he could be such a good actor?”
“I...yeah. And I get mad at myself for wanting to believe him. But he never said he loves me. I keep coming back to that. And the fact that I don’t know if I could believe him even if he did say it.”
She sniffled. Put down her fork. “He had a rotten childhood. He never had a solid family unit like I had with you and Dad.”
“Does that excuse his behavior?”
She shook her head. “But it makes me understand it. I know he wants to be a good father, but what if he just doesn’t have the ability to let himself love someone? I thought I could go through with it. We were getting along so well. I could see our relationship growing so that someday maybe it would be...whole.”
“But...”
“But it would never be what you had with Dad. And I don’t want to settle for anything less.”
Shelley reached for her napkin and dabbed her eyes and her nose. “Well, I guess your dad and I did something right.”
“I miss him.”
“Me, too, honey. Every day.”
They picked at their food. Tori was hungry, and the more she ate, the better she felt. Even though she couldn’t finish the large portion, she’d needed the nutrition. So did the baby.
Shelley looked up at her. “You said before that you thought you could go through with it. Don’t hate me for asking, but is there a chance you’re using what happened as a way out?”
She wanted to say yes without hesitation, but she couldn’t.
“You hesitated, which means you’re thinking about it. I just think maybe Jeremy isn’t the villain he’s been made out to be. Yes, he made a mistake and you absolutely deserve better. You shouldn’t settle for less. But you need to be clear on your own motives too, sweetie. Picking up and moving countries to be with a man you care about but who might not love you in return is a big risk.”
The meal she’d just eaten churned in her stomach. “And he gave me a way out without me having to take any responsibility.” Ugh, had she really done that? Used his weakness to justify her own behavior, her own fears?
“I’m not saying you should have stayed. I think I’m saying this is a big mess, and the only way through it is for both of you to be completely honest with each other. You reacted and you left. But now there are a lot of feelings to sort through. I think you should take the time to do it.” Then Shelley smiled. “And you can spend Christmas with your mama while you’re sorting things out.”
“I love you, Mom.”
Shelley reached for the bill. “Well, duh. Of course you do. Look, kiddo, since your dad died, I’ve watched you be afraid. It made you grow up in a hurry. You haven’t had a lot of relationships since Riley broke your trust, and I think that trust is your deal breaker. Have you told Jeremy that?”
“Not really.”
“Look, your dad set a wonderful example and standard, but you were also hurt when he left.”
“He didn’t leave us. Not like Jeremy’s dad did.”
“Not in the same way, but he left just the same. Don’t be afraid to love someone, honey. Jeremy lied to his mom. He didn’t stand up for you. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.”
“He didn’t say it.”
“I know. Just give it some thought, and when you’re ready, you and Jeremy need to talk. Even if it’s just to decide what’s going to happen with visitation.”
They got up and Shelley paid the bill, and then they got on the road again. As they merged onto the highway, Tori sighed. “I keep telling myself I’m afraid he’ll use his money and power to take the baby. I feel like I need to protect myself and prepare for that possibility. And then my heart says he would never do such a thing. And I think I’m being a fool, again.”
Shelley didn’t answer, but Tori knew exactly what she would say. Sit on it. Think about it and sort through her feelings. And then talk to Jeremy.
The bar was crowded and noisy, and Jeremy could tell Bran was only going through the motions. Cole, on the other hand, was flirting with their waitress and being his charming self. And Jeremy was running around with his tail between his legs.
Still. He couldn’t mope around his apartment forever, and Bran needed to get out now and again. His possession date for the new house was the first of February; then the three of them hanging out would be a rare occasion.
Of course, Bran was going to be close to Tori. And that irritated Jeremy like a scratchy tag on the back of his neck.
“Beer, whiskey, and a rum and coke.” The waitress put their drinks on the table. “Can I get you anything else?”
“We’re good for now,” Cole said, flashing her a million-dollar smile.
She smiled back and was gone with a twitch of her hip.
“Stop that,” Bran said, scowling. “You’re not twenty-five anymore, Cole.”
“What? The day I stop flirting is the day I die.”
Bran shook his head. “Yeah, but you have no follow-through. You work too much.”
Jeremy shook his head. “Listen, you two, I came out for drinks and a good time.”
Cole sipped on his rum and coke. “No, you didn’t. You came out because you’re being a sad sack since Tori went back to Canada. We don’t need to tell you how you messed that up, Jer.”
He took a big pull of his beer. “Yeah, sure. I know that.”
Bran looked at him. “When we saw you in your office that day, you looked pretty happy. She thinks you were faking it, right? That she was manipulated? But was she?”
The beer didn’t quite settle in his stomach. “Of course not. I mean, I wanted to bring her around, but damn, you know?” He scowled. “The way I sounded at my mom’s... It was like she wasn’t worth loving. I don’t blame her for being furious. Or walking away.”
Cole saluted with his glass. “Well done, dumbass.”
Bran rolled his eyes. “Jer, let me ask you this. What was the moment you first knew?”
“First knew what?”
“That you loved her.”
The table went silent.
Bran took a drink of his whiskey and pushed back his shaggy hair. “Look, when I met Becca, I didn’t love her at first. But there was a moment. It wasn’t even a big moment. She was in my place and she looked over her shoulder at me and laughed and it was just there. Bam, I love her. And I’m guessing you had that moment, because you’ve been dragging yourself around for the last five days, beating yourself up and thinking about nothing but the fact she’s gone. So when was it?”
Jeremy’s throat tightened. “When we were skating. She did this turn thing and faced me, holding my hands, and she laughed and had this weird hat on with her ponytail out the top, and it was like someone opened my heart and poured in a ray of sunshine.”
Cole swore and shook his head.
Bran wagged a finger at him. “Look, he-man. Don’t be like that just because it hasn’t happened to you.”
Then Bran turned to Jeremy. “Dude, I’m telling you right now. You’ve got to go make this right. I won’t have another chance with Becca. She’s gone, but Tori isn’t. She needs to know how you feel. You’ve got to lay it on the line, brother. You’ll regret it forever if you don’t. And she’s having your kid. If you want to have a relationship with him or her, if you want to do better than your own father did, you’ve got to step up.”
“She doesn’t want to see me.”
“Bull. I’m telling you right now, there’s no room for pride at this point. You might have to beg. But if you love her...”
“Of course I do. And my kid, too. Hearing that heartbeat...”
“Then fight for her. You didn’t do that when you had the chance, don’t you see? And if she loves you, too, that had to break her heart.”
Cole took a long drink. “As much as it pains me to say it, I agree with Dear Abby here. We were with you at school. We know you almost as well as you know yourself. You would do anything to not be your dad, and that’s great. So stop acting like him. Man, every time you go to that house you act like... I don’t know. Like she has some kind of say over your life. You’re a grown man.”
Jeremy chuckled despite the sting he felt at Cole’s words. “That’s what Tori said.”
“So quit running away and stand up to your mom instead of all that polite-distance kind of thing. And go talk to Tori. Tell her how you feel.”
“Sometimes manning up means laying your heart on the line, rather than being ‘strong,’ you know?” Bran finished his whiskey. “I’m telling you guys, I’m a freaking mess, but I wouldn’t trade any of the time I had with Bec.”
“We know, man.” Jeremy put his hand on Bran’s shoulder. “And you’re right. I just... I don’t know how to do this.”
Cole leaned forward. “I think the correct word is beg. Or maybe grovel.”
“Helpful,” Jeremy muttered. “I guess...family means everything to Tori. She loves her mom so much, and her dad died a couple years ago, and... I feel like a horrible human, not feeling that kind of connection or loyalty to my own family. Sarah excluded.”
“Hey.” Bran looked him dead in the eye. “Family is more than genetics. We learned that at Merrick.”
“Go Monarchs,” Cole and Jeremy said, lifting their glasses.
Jeremy settled back into his chair, while Cole signaled for another round. “Yeah, you’re right. You guys are my brothers.”
“And it’s our job to kick you when you’re being an idiot. So get yourself together and figure out how you’re going to get her back. It’s Christmas. A good present should come with the groveling.”
The next round of drinks appeared, and Jeremy perked up. He at least had to try. He’d been miserable the last few days. The apartment was cold and empty. He couldn’t focus. He stared endlessly at the ultrasound picture. He’d let the best thing in his life get away, because he couldn’t deal with his feelings.
And as Bran and Cole started to discuss ordering some snacks, Jeremy got the first inklings of a plan. Starting tomorrow, he’d have to get himself in gear in order to have it all set for Christmas.