Spouse of a Transracial Adoptee
INTERVIEWED BY TELEPHONE, NOVEMBER 10, 2013
Shilease, I am thrilled to talk with you to get your perspective on parenting and transracial adoption. Of course I also want to talk with you because you are the wife of a transracial adoptee. But first tell me about your background.
I was born in Toledo, Ohio. I grew up in the inner city of Toledo during the 1970s and 1980s and went to Toledo public schools. I have lived in Toledo my entire life so far. I have one brother, who is four years younger than me. My brother and I grew up in a home with both of my parents. My life was pretty normal.
Where did you meet your husband, Kevin, and how did your relationship evolve?
I was a teller at a bank. Kevin was one of our customers. I met him because he was in the bank quite frequently. One day he sent me flowers and asked me out to dinner. I agreed. Pretty much, after that the rest is history. We went out for a few years and then we got married and have been married for more than twenty years.
You and Kevin are the parents of two sons. What are their names and how old are they?
Our son Tai is seventeen and our younger son, Zion, is thirteen.
I am asked, often by white parents who have or are adopting children of color, particularly black boys, about how they can raise their children in a way that will protect them from the harshness and racial injustices of today’s society. So let me ask you, since I don’t have children: How do you and Kevin raise black boys in today’s society?
I don’t think, going in, we put a lot of thought into how we were going to raise our boys. We both brought our own experiences from our families and applied lessons from what we liked and did not like or what we agreed with or did not agree with. But with boys we did realize early on that we were going to have to teach them that they were going to have to be better to be considered equal to their white peers. We had to teach them that what people around them might find acceptable for their white kids to do would not be acceptable for Tai or Zion. In other words their friends could do things that they could not do, and that would not be fair, but it is what it is. We taught them: if you want to be successful, you have to be better.
Can you give me some examples of what it means to be better?
We pretty much have told our sons that whatever is successful for your peer group, you must be better than that success point. If everyone around you is getting Bs, and it is great for them, then you have to get As. If everyone around you is saying please and thank you, then you must do the same and also say, ma’am and sir. You have to stand above, just to be on an equal playing field.
I think that is where there can be a lot of confusion, particularly among white adoptive parents raising children of color. Why is it that you feel it is important and necessary to raise your kids to be better and behave better, compared to white kids?
In our opinion we teach our kids to be better so that they don’t appear to be a typical black kid as perceived by society. We teach them that so that they can hopefully overcome the baggage that people throw at them because of the color of their skin. And then, even when you do stand out to be above and beyond, you will be seen as possibly equal.
You said that when you got married, you didn’t necessarily think about how you were going to raise your two sons. As your boys got older, did they confront, as black boys, racism in their schools, on the streets, or in their communities? If so, how did you deal with those realities as a parent?
They have both unfortunately had negative racial experiences. It started when they were both very young in school, where they were called derogatory names by their classmates. Our boys have attended primarily white schools and were picked on because of their skin color. And the way that we dealt with it was we addressed it case by case. We always taught them that someone else’s ignorance is not their fault. And also we pointed out that they too had to take responsibility of whatever ownership that they may have contributed to the situation—because sometimes you can contribute to that situation. One of our biggest struggles we had was addressing the “N-word” and teaching our kids that if you don’t want to be called that word, then you can’t say that word. You can’t use the “N-word” as a friendly term between your black friends and then get angry that your white friends use it. If you don’t want the word used, just don’t use it.
Did you and Kevin have to address the racial incidents that were directed to your sons with the school system or the parents whose children used racial slurs against your children?
We have had to do both. We have had to meet with principals, teachers, and staff within the school system and address with them that this is happening and communicate with them that we need to know what the school system is going to do about it. We have had to address parents and let them know what has happened and ask them what they are going to do about the situation. At sports leagues our children have been insulted by racial slurs in the middle of games, and we’ve had to address the sports league. And so it has come up in different areas of their lives.
This country has not always been kind to black boys. How did the case of Trayvon Martin [the seventeen-year-old fatally shot by a neighborhood watch volunteer in Florida] hit your family personally?
That tragedy was very hard for Kevin and me, being the parents of black boys. Trayvon Martin did what I would have told my children to do. But with the incident involving Trayvon Martin the whole game changed. It was confusing. Before we told our kids, “Don’t run because you will look guilty.” Now maybe had Trayvon run, he would be alive. The whole “hoodie” thing is the issue that they knew beforehand. Hands free. Face clear. And hopefully that keeps you out of trouble. In this case it didn’t matter. So it just holds a lot of confusion and questions and reinforced some of my beliefs that you always have to be vigilant and you always have to be aware, because the rules can change on you.
Even though I grew up in the Washington, D.C., area, which was diverse racially and culturally, I lived in a white family and experienced white privilege. So I didn’t realize early on that, for so many black families and other families of color, there is a constant cloud of suspicion and pressure over them because of how society perceives blacks and other minorities in America. Now, living away from my white adoptive family, I find pushing through the stereotypes and suspicion can be quite exhausting. How have you had to condition yourself for that reality as a parent—a reality that many white parents of kids of color are confronted with but don’t always know how to address effectively?
For me it really wasn’t a conditioning that I had to do because I grew up in it. My parents had these same conversations with myself and my brother. We saw racism in action. I saw my parents experience it. So being a voyeur into their experiences prepared me for parenting in it. And of course Kevin’s experience was totally different, because he didn’t see his parents subjectively experience racism. He did however get to see his parents fight against racism through their active involvement in social justice issues. For me racism is one of those realities I expected would happen but hoped never would happen. So when it happened, I wasn’t surprised. It is the world that we live in.
From your perspective how did Kevin respond to racism as it affected his own children, especially given his upbringing, versus how you responded to racism?
The way that I saw Kevin respond to racism when it came to our kids was that he was more vigilant than me. It seems like things were newer and fresher to him than they were to me. For me dealing with racism on a personal level was very, very, common area. For him you could tell the reality of racism wasn’t as ingrained into him as it was in me. I think because of it he was more vocal and action oriented when there were racist insults done toward our kids. I was more matter of fact when it happened. For instance my mind-set was, “Okay, this is what happened. This is what we have to do going forward from my child’s point of view.” Where he was more, “This is what happened, and this is what we have to do from the outsider’s point of view.” The differences in our approaches to how we dealt with racism may in part have to do with maternal versus paternal instincts as well. I was focused as a mother on my child’s hurt, his experiences and his pain. Kevin was like, “This is wrong. We have to fix this systematic problem!”
Transracial adoptees like me and Kevin who were raised in white families grew up with a sense of privilege, which we got simply by living and being within our white families. Granted, growing up we may not have known that was privilege, but it was. We witnessed our white family members moving in society as true members of society or welcomed participants at the table of power instead of feeling like so many people of color, at one time or another, as uninvited visitors who are tolerated at best. Have you seen cases with Kevin that aligns with what I am saying?
Yes. I can still see incidents where he is ready to take action that I wouldn’t consider need action. But he comes from that advantage of growing up with that privilege. For example: “If I have a privilege, then I have a right to speak, be heard, and do.” My thinking is that I don’t have that place in society, so I have to protect my own. I have to do for me. So I can see where growing up in that privilege really gives you the mind-set that you can go out and change and fix a problem. Whereas growing up in racism you learn to grow and fix only what you can in your space.
I have been married to my husband for over thirteen years, and I am still struggling with grasping the reality he sees through his lens. He definitely holds the same perspective as you do. I am more like your husband, Kevin. When there is racism that comes to the surface, I don’t want to just address it within our family. I want to talk to, for example, the head of the corporation and address the systemic problem. I don’t like revisiting stuff, especially if it is crazy.
Can you remember your first interaction with a transracial adoptive family and what your initial thoughts were when you interacted with them?
Yes. I can remember. And my first thoughts were, “You are in for a rude awakening.” What they portrayed to me was [a] “roses and sunshine and we are going to take on the world kumbaya attitude.” I felt, like, oh, my goodness—this is going to be a hard road to travel.
How did you come to that line of thinking?
This family told me that they were going to love their child, and it didn’t matter what the world thought. Everything was going to be okay as long as they loved their child. I thought that was great. I am glad that they loved their child. I just come from the camp of thought that love is not enough. I mean, I love my children. And I am black with black children. If all I did was love them, they would be in trouble. I need to love my children and prepare them to thrive in the world that they live in.
When you talk about preparation, what would that look like for white parents raising a black child in a predominately white community like in Perrysburg, Ohio [an affluent suburb of Toledo]?
I think that white parents adopting black kids or any kids of color need to be educated. And I don’t mean simply learning that Rosa Parks sat on a seat on a bus and Martin Luther King Jr. gave a good speech. I am talking about parents’ need to educate themselves about the world they live in and the perceptions that people might have about their children and their family. I say might because everybody won’t. I tell adoptive parents not to always look for the bad but always be aware that the bad is possible. Another way of saying it is you can’t always assume that people are good, but you can’t always assume that their intentions are bad.
Do you think that transracial adoptees need to connect with their ethnic communities of origin?
I do believe that transracial adoptees need to connect with their ethnic communities, and how they do that can take a lot of shapes, but it is important. As far as how you go about doing it, going to church is an option, joining social groups or visiting a barbershop or beauty shop where there are a lot of people are all good options. I would recommend that parents find out what their kids are interested in. Usually, depending on where you live, if there is a sport or a social outing, there is generally somebody else of color present. Connecting with them is a starting point. If you practice connecting with people that look like your child and going out of your comfort zone, you will get so good at it that you will be the one that extends your hand to somebody else and be the one who starts up a conversation and develops a friendship.
You have seen transracial adoptive families develop over time, given your unique position. Do you think that transracial adoption is good policy? And do you think that we as transracial adoptive families are gaining better understanding of how to deal with some of the complex challenges?
I think that transracial adoption is very good and very necessary. I think that most of the parents that I have interacted with seem to be much better on how they tackle some of the issues they are confronted with because they are multiracial and have adoption in their family. I think that in general the transracial adoptive community has made big strides in coming from a “love is enough” mind-set. There is awareness on the part of transracial adoptive parents that there is some work involved in fostering and nurturing a child of a different race and culture to live in the world that we are in.
Why would you argue that transracial adoption is necessary?
I say it because the numbers say it is a necessity. For the most part the adopting population is white, and the adoptable population is not. So the numbers say that it is necessary or kids in the system are left without homes.
How have your kids embraced transracial adoption?
Transracial adoption is normal to them. They don’t even think about it. It is commonplace to them that their grandpa and grandma are white. And when they see other families like that, they say, “Oh! They are like your family, Dad.”
Given the twenty years of marriage to Kevin, how has your relationship with Kevin’s family developed overtime?
My relationship with them was very easy from the beginning. Kevin’s parents were very open to me, and his parents and my parents got along. It was all organic and good. For me it was a good transition.
Wow. That is excellent. There are families, though, where that transition is not as smooth. In my case, while I think that my parents would like my husband’s family, they have not met. It just hasn’t happened. In other cases it is simply hard for some transracial adoptive families whose children marry into families of color to push through the “un-comfortableness” to create meaningful relationships.
For us what worked was the time spent with Kevin’s family and my family. I had a family that didn’t have any issues with me marrying into a multiracial family. They did not have issues with white people in general. Kevin’s family did not have any regrets about him marrying me or building relationships with black people. It’s like with any relationship: it takes time invested in one another.
What words of wisdom do you have for transracial adoptive parents, particularly those who are adopting black and brown children, seeing that this form of adoption is on the rise?
I would encourage adoptive parents to look at the adoption process as a “special needs situation,” even if and when the family continues to grow. In my opinion there is nothing negative about the term special needs. It means your child (and family) has special needs. If your child is of a different race compared to the rest of their family, then the child now has a special need. And you need to address it like you would any other need your child has.
When you say “any other need your child has,” what do you mean by that?
What I mean is that if your child was musically gifted, and you knew that your child craved the ability to create music, and you had the ability of getting them in a situation where they could do that, you would seek out the music teacher or the piano teacher for your child. You would go to garage sales to seek out a piano if you couldn’t afford a new one. So it doesn’t even necessarily have to be if your child has autism—no, it is any need your child has that is special, which means it is different than anybody else’s need might be. You owe your child as a parent to do whatever you have to do to seek out filling their need. So if my child is African American and I am not, then I need to tell myself that since I don’t know how to be African American, then I better find some African Americans who can help me make sure that I am not missing something. It means that as an African American parent who, let’s say, adopted a Latino child and doesn’t know enough about being a Latino, I might miss something. So therefore I need to build a Latino community to make sure I don’t miss anything for my child’s sake.
I was at an event recently, speaking to adoptive families. This one couple said to me essentially that they did not feel comfortable asking an African American parent for help because they wouldn’t want them to think that the only reason why they are asking them questions is because of their black child. How would you address that question?
Parents have asked me that question too. I have told them that they probably are desperate. You might start out in a position where you are kind of using them. It is what it is. But if your child had any other need, you would do what you had to do. You should think to yourself in that case, “Whatever relationship I must make, whatever bounds and steps I must take for my child.” So that you can get the courage to say to the person in front of you, “I have this child and I don’t want to miss something.” Like I said, parents may have to be desperate sometimes when helping their kids. It’s just us being adults and putting on our big-boy and -girl pants.
Who is Shilease today? And what do you want for your kids?
Today I consider myself a mother in a multicultural family. I want for my children to be able to pursue their passions. I would love for them to pursue that on a level playing field, but they won’t because of being black in America today, and that’s a reality. I don’t want them to lose sight of who they are and their values. And I want them to remember that, if they want to be considered equal, then they really need to work at it and for it. I want them to pursue their passions so that they can be happy, productive citizens. And I would like to graduate them out so that I can have the second act alone with my husband.
What is it that nurtures your family’s worth?
For our family we function not on our self-view but our God view, how God sees us. It is our faith in God that keeps us functioning the way that we do. We do not put our worth into how others view us based on stereotypes or media but, again, on how God views us. Our worth means so much to him, like it does for all of his children.
Researchers, adoption agencies, and parents have certainly made strides in moving the transracial adoption movement forward over the last fortysomething years. What can adoptive parents in particular do more of in terms of bringing clarity and cultural inclusiveness to their families?
I think that what needs the most work within transracial adoptive families is their connection to communities that reflect their adopted child’s racial and ethnic background. It is important of course that the adopted child connect with others, whether they are mentors or friends that look like him or her, so they won’t feel alone. But when the family as a whole connects with the community, then it is normal for everybody. Therefore as a transracial adoptee creating a family through marriage that is multiracial or resembles your ethnic community of origin, your own cultural nuances that so many adoptees seem to face for the first time won’t be new and different anymore. It won’t feel like an eye-opening experience because your transracial adoptive family connected with it when you were of younger age.
Where does the problem come in for families when they don’t connect as a whole to others that are from their child’s ethnic community?
I believe that if there is a white family that adopts a child of color and even makes sure the child is connected to his or her ethnic community, but they don’t invest in that community themselves, then when the child develops his identity and interests and the adoptive family doesn’t grow, it will create confusion and pain for the child. Essentially that child will grow up as a black child in a white family and not as a child in this multiracial-cultural family who has all of these cultural experiences that they can now take and build within their own family later in life. That’s why I think it made it so easy for Kevin and me. His family was at ease being around me and my family and other people of color. They did not have to aggressively work at it.
My understanding is that Kevin’s father was a pastor in Detroit.
Correct.
I think that it makes a big difference to be able to interact with people of color on a regular basis. It deepens one’s ability to move into a wider range of venues and opportunities. I of course think it is beneficial for all families to reach out to a more global world.
I agree. My parents purposely put me in situations where I was not only among black people but had exposure to people who didn’t look like me or have my same experiences.
I want to go back to parenting. Many transracial adoptive parents are now realizing that the societal consequences for their black sons and daughters’ acting out are more severe than if it were their white sons and daughters exhibiting the same behavior. As an African American mother, what is your philosophy on how to best handle society’s rules when it comes to how your kids are perceived?
We started at the very beginning with our children, sending the message that being out of control and unruly was not acceptable behavior. There is always a threat. The [parental] threat that, “You know what? I might beat you within an inch of your life.” That threat alone kept it from ever being necessary. But they always knew. And they saw the situation that if they ever—ever—acted like that, they would pay dearly. And so it was a threat. Honestly I can count on one hand how many times my kids got spanked. And how many times did they get beat? Zero.
Can you take me through, step by step, the parenting strategies you and Kevin applied and continue to apply [in] raising your kids?
Honestly our parenting strategies have been the same since day 1. As soon as our kids walked, talked, and understood what we were saying, it was “No!” The first time my kids asked why, I said to them, “Why is the answer no? Because I am your mother and the authority, and I said it was no! And as a child you need to accept that my answer is no.” Rhonda, I know that when I get into this same conversation with white moms who have adopted black children, they say to me that they cannot speak to their child like I do, because they do not have the voice and that they feel like their child should be able to participate in the conversation and express themselves. I disagree. I say that these are black children living in the United States of America. And if they do not understand and learn how to respect authority and operate in a disciplined manner, I would argue that white privilege is going to get them into trouble because everybody else does not see them as white. So my job as a parent is to teach my children how to respect authority. When my children were growing up I taught them that there is a time and place for their questions, and in the middle of administering that authority is not that place. In other words I could tell my kids no, but later on we could have a conversation about why Kevin and I think A was a good idea and why B was not a good idea. For example, when our kids were little, I would say, “No, I don’t want you to have another cookie because that is too much sugar.” Later on we could have a conversation with them about it in more detail. But in the middle of the situation, that is not the place for a question. They had to learn that you accept what it is and move on so that they can live another day.
I think that this is an important piece to discuss when it comes to disciplining children. I know that when my husband has gone with me to adoption events and has seen little black boys, especially, hitting walls, throwing objects at folk, and jumping off of couches with no intervention from their parents, he is very concerned about that because he recognizes the consequences for these kids in society is more serious than it is for white boys and girls, generally speaking. He, like you, is supportive of transracial adoption. He was informally adopted himself. But poor behavior, especially by kids of color in public, I think that he finds [it] unacceptable and dangerous.
It breaks my heart because I see that child that you are talking about either dead or in prison. There are no other options, except for death or prison, for that child.
It is not fair, but there still continues to be unwritten or hidden rules in this society if you are white and different ones if you are black. Case in point: When a little white boy or girl hits against a shelf in Walmart or pushes carts into people, I have seen it perceived by the people watching as cute. That same behavior can get a young black boy into the juvenile detention center.
Yes, as I said it before, a black boy or girl has to be better to be equal. If you are black and want to be cute, then you need to say, “Yes, ma’am, yes, sir.” At work I interact with white parents who tell me about their children. They say to me, “I don’t know what to do with my son; he is always talking back to me. I can’t get him to do what I want.” And then they stop and say to me, “I don’t understand why your two sons are so good.” And I am thinking loudly to myself, “Well, when your son was two years of age and telling you to shut up and did bad things and you giggled, you taught him who he was and what allowances he had. So now when you say something to him, he is going to tell you to shut up because it has always been okay.” It is too late now. But, Rhonda, in that instance their mother-son relationship may not be great, but her white son knows how to go out into the world, and he has allowance to do some of that stuff, exhibit those same behaviors, without getting penalized. On the other hand the consequences for the black child who gets to do that, run around recklessly and say whatever comes out of his mouth to his parents, he grows up to be not that cute little black kid anymore but now this grown black man who doesn’t understand that you can’t just do whatever or say whatever because you will land yourself in prison.
When parents are raising children in a blended family situation, where there is a black adopted child and white nonadopted siblings, how do parents set boundaries and rules for their kids? Should parents set different boundaries for the black kid and different boundaries for the white kids?
You, as the parent, have to set boundaries for the whole family. There has to be an expectation. And even if it is uncomfortable in a transracial adoptive family, you have to make it the family expectation. When I grew up, it was the Hightower family expectation. My mother said to her kids, “You will not disrespect our family. This is how we act. So out in public this is how you act.” Transracial adoptive families can adopt the similar mind-set: “This is how we act.” This is how everyone should respect everyone.
Thank you, Shilease, for a great discussion.