Strengthening the Heart and Mind of the Adoptive Parent: Preparing to Embrace Your Child of Color
As white parents, the successful adoption of children of color requires you to be willing to experience the close encounters with racism that your children—and you as parents—will have and to be prepared to talk to your children about them. Ultimately you will need to examine your own identities as white people, going beyond the idea of raising a child of color in a white family to reach a new understanding of yourselves and your children as members of a multiracial family (Tatum, 1997, p. 190). And now that you have read In Their Voices: Black Americans on Transracial Adoption, you have taken another step in moving beyond a color-blind way of thinking to an awareness that will strengthen your multiracial family.
Generations of your family will be affected by your decision to adopt transracially. In order to make the experience smoother for all involved, what follows are step-by-step guidelines that will help you, as white adoptive parents, to prepare for the added responsibilities of raising black and biracial children to become confident and centered adults who are able to find balance in their multiracial-multicultural existence and adoption story. These guidelines are based on the findings in this book and from two decades of listening to adult adoptees of color, white adoptive parents, and nonadopted siblings.
Think carefully about whether you are willing and able to take on the responsibility of raising a child transracially.
• Understand that because of the history of the United States, racial discrimination remains a reality, experienced by virtually all black people and other people of color at some point in their lives. Choosing to raise a child of color transracially means you will need to learn how to advocate for your child’s best interests at home, in the community, and in school—ensuring that he is also safe psychologically. Because of race, your child will not always be treated fairly or be seen by others as capable or worthy.
• Recognize that your child will grow into a woman or man of color. Connecting your child to supportive black people (and other minorities) will strengthen your child’s racial identity and self-esteem.
• Commit to raising your adopted child of color to adulthood with the goal of maintaining a lasting and respectful relationship, even if your child ultimately decides to closely identify with the African American community (and/or other communities of color) and its issues or chooses to marry a person of color from a different socioeconomic background.
Ask yourself what your views are of your adopted child’s ethnic community/ies of origin.
Do you tend to feel superior, inferior, or equal to your adopted child’s ethnic community? Whatever your views, your child will see the truth. Therefore, if you are not already there, you need to change your thinking so that you see value in your child’s ethnic community of origin and will want to form relationships with people who look like your child. Even if at first you are not entirely comfortable associating with people who share your child’s ethnic or cultural heritage, you can start to become comfortable by building social connections in your place of residence. We now know, from research and personal accounts by adult transracial adoptees, that developing a healthy racial identity is key to your child’s self-esteem. Here are a few examples of what you can do, as early as possible, to make your child’s ethnic background part of your family’s identity:
• Include artwork or artifacts in your home that reflect your adopted child’s ethnic background.
• Ensure that your child has black dolls or action figures and regularly sees positive black or brown characters in books, movies, and in other media.
• Introduce your family to the traditional foods of African American culture and other cultures, both within the United States and from around the world. (Some of my favorite African American foods are greens, black-eyed peas, grits, cornbread, and sweet potato pie.)
• Learn about your child’s hair and skin care needs and seek out products that meet the specific needs of your child of color. (African American hairdressers and barbers will be wonderfully helpful in this regard.)
Continuously build a reservoir of knowledge of your child’s ethnic and/or cultural heritage and the subject of adoption.
• Read! Read! Read! Become educated about racial issues, the history of African Americans in this country, and the sometimes difficult losses that are also a part of many adoptees’ story.
• Prepare to share your child’s adoption story with her. Be sure to use age-appropriate language that honors the child and her need to know the truth. Revisit the story over time as your child’s questions may change and develop. Children are likely to ask, “Where do I come from?” “Who am I?” “Where do I belong?” And they are likely to want more specificity from you as they mature. For example, the results of a DNA test would mean nothing to a four-year-old but would mean a lot to a fourteen-year-old.
• Participate in a local reading group made up of transracial adoptive parents and people of color that focuses on books about transracial adoption and the black experience. Three of my favorite books that can lead to great conversations are The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson; Jesus Land: A Memoir by Julia Scheeres; and From Fear to Love: Parenting Difficult Adopted Children by B. Bryan Post.
• Visit African American art and history museums or exhibits in your state or in your travels to other places. You might want to document your adventures by taking pictures, recording oral histories, or by making a life book about your adopted child’s adoption story and experiences.
• Join the Transracial Adoption Facebook group and use the opportunities it affords to chat with transracial adoptees (of all combinations), many of whom are professionals in their own right and have given transracial adoption a great deal of thought. This group also consists of birth parents, people of color, adoptive parents, and non-adopted siblings. Other great resources are conferences, seminars, or camps organized by such groups as Bridge Communications; the North American Council on Adoptable Children; Pact Adoption Family Camp in California; Umoja: A Black Heritage Experience in Wisconsin; the Ethiopian Heritage Camp in Virginia; and the Colorado Heritage Camps, including the African Caribbean Heritage Camp.
Develop smart support systems for you and your family, and take steps to limit contact with anyone you suspect will be hurtful or less than accepting.
• Assess personal and professional relationships and resources within your community that can help you in your efforts to raise your child of color and support your multiracial-multicultural family.
• Identify anyone in your inner circle who is likely to be critical of your family. You should think seriously about severely curtailing any contact that such a person or people have with other members of your family. Transracial adoption is a wonderful journey, but it is fraught with pockets of emotional land mines, patches of racial insults, and bumps of exhaustion, confusion, and anxiety. You want people in your inner circle who will offer you kindness, a listening ear, compassion, wisdom, and encouragement.
• Seek out new, positive relationships with people—especially people of color—who are supportive of you and your family.
Consider whether you regularly encounter African Americans in your community, your place of worship, and in your place of business.
The way to build safe, nurturing environments for your child (and family) is by ensuring that family members regularly encounter people who look like them.
• As you go about your day, do you see African Americans in the grocery store, your exercise class, at the local library, or right down the hall in a nearby office or cubicle? If so, these are wonderful opportunities to introduce yourself. Make a connection with your smile and wit.
• Have you established any genuine relationships with African Americans and other people of color? For example, have you taken the next steps and invited these folks over for dinner, set up play dates with their children, or visited them at their home?
It is important that you have African American friends and acquaintances who share your socioeconomic background because they will offer your child of color familiar and comfortable role models; the result will be that your child will see that he can achieve good and noble things. If such role models simply are not available in your neighborhood, consider moving into a predominately black or multicultural neighborhood so that your child is not the only person of color (or one of very few) in your neighborhood, schools, or community.
Create tangible connections to the black community.
• Attend a black church. If you are religious, you might even want to join a black church. Your minister, priest, or rabbi can introduce you to black clergy in your community.
• Make an effort to frequent black (and other minority) businesses. For example, when caring for your child of color’s hair, instead of doing it by yourself, connect with barbers and stylists in the black community. Remember that barber shops and beauty salons are important social gathering places in the black community and provide an opportunity for you and your family to create meaningful relationships with people who look like your child while ensuring that your child’s hair is properly maintained. Simply passing the time of day with black dry cleaners as you hand over your clothes or as the butcher of color packages your order is another way for your child to learn how black culture works and is different from the white culture.
• Locate black pediatricians, dentists, and other professionals for your child; they will be knowledgeable about your child’s specific health and wellness needs while also acting as great role models.
Once you commit to participating in activities in the black community, you will quickly gain a comfort level that will encourage you to expand your connections with the community. Simply by doing so you will be showing your child how to navigate effectively within the black community and other communities of color. Your newfound skills and knowledge will help you better hear your child and advocate for him at school and in your community. These skills will also help you and your family achieve a broader and more integrated worldview. Other means of multiplying your connections within the black community include
• Developing personal friendships and even finding godparents and mentors for your child. The relationships that you develop may become lifelong.
• Learning about your new friends’ joys, struggles, and experiences, many of which will be unlike anything within your personal experience. You will see on an intimate level how your friends of color address within their families racial insults and discrimination and how they move forward.
• Using your privileges to open doors of opportunity for people of color in the workplace and elsewhere. Speak up against racial injustices that occur within your sphere of influence. Support adoption policy that is inclusive of communities of color.
Within the pages of In Their Voices: Black Americans on Transracial Adoption, you have met black women and men who show what it means to be vulnerable, courageous, and giving to a community that is different than theirs but shares common ground. The participants’ investment in the transracial adoptive community and other communities is valuable and should not be minimized. By their incredible example and frank discussions they have shown how white adoptive parents, transracial adoptees, nonadopted siblings, and extended adoptive family members can break down racial and cultural barriers and develop meaningful relationships with people in communities of color for the advancement of transracial adoption.
I would like to close with a personal example of how a relationship between a transracial adoptive family and an African American family can blossom through work, love, and commitment. In 1973, shortly after my adoptive family moved to the Washington, D.C., area, we joined a Christian Reformed church. I was three years old. The church was predominately white, but within its membership were black families from the community and several transracial adoptive families.
One of the black members, Ms. Myrtle, who was also the organist-pianist, saw me sitting in the pews with a white family. As she told me years later, she looked over the top of the organ and saw my runny nose, my ashy skin, and dry, apparently uncombed, hair. After the service she approached my parents and firmly told them that she did not believe that a black child should be raised in a white home. Then she added, “Since you chose to adopt her, it looks like I am going to raise Rhonda with you.” My father, a tall man with blond hair and blue eyes, said that was probably the first time that he ever said “yes, ma’am” to anyone. After that, Ms. Myrtle became my godmother and worked closely with my mom and dad to nurture and love me. From her constant involvement in my life, my parents and siblings gained a special and respectful relationship with her and her family. We shared regular meals together at each other’s homes, we laughed and cried together, and we grew together. When I faltered—had an identity crisis, failed to focus on my education, or behaved badly—my godmother would wrap her arms around me, look into my eyes, and inspire me to get back on track and remember who I was and what my destiny was. My godmother’s expectations of me where high and unwavering.
I will always remember watching The Color Purple and The Sound of Music with her while eating chocolates and popcorn, occasions that always seemed to brighten my life in subsequent days. I will always be appreciative of my adoptive parents and siblings for opening our lives to Ms. Myrtle and her family. My relationship with them became the first of many priceless and enriching relationships with friends and mentors from the black community.
In the mid-2000s, as my godmother was struggling with health issues and had difficulty driving, it was my dad’s turn to give back. Until she died in 2006, he would pick her up at her home and drive her to and from choir rehearsal, where she found joy, and he made sure that he was a constant support system. Four years ago, when my brother, Chris, got married, his best man was Myrtle’s son. The relationship our families shared changed all our lives for the better. We loved more deeply, thought more keenly, and acted with more compassion in every aspect of our lives.
Good luck on your journey!