CHAPTER TWENTY

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HE UNDID IT.

I blinked at the splash where Kas had vanished underwater, my gaze flicking back and forth between the river and my ankle. The chain curled from my leg, still padlocked to me but not to him. The links were weighty and solid, but they coiled to nowhere...

How?

He’d said he’d never unlock us, ever.

So what...what the hell happened?

I touched my painful throat with shaking hands.

One second, he’d been explaining the hydro thing, and the next, he’d gone stone cold and white. Absolutely ghostly white with eyes wide, seeing something I couldn’t. I’d popped back up from being underwater and tried to get his attention with a soft tap on his shoulder, but he’d merely hunched into himself.

I’d deliberated leaving him to sort through whatever memories had attacked—after all, it was all the suppressing he’d done that caused such misery—but then he’d groaned exactly like a haunted, hunted animal, and I couldn’t leave him to his mind’s mercy. I couldn’t stand there and not do my best to snap him out of it.

It turned out, that’d been the wrong decision.

Swallowing, I winced as familiar soreness throbbed around my throat. At this point, I’d almost lost track of how many times he’d strangled me. I was past berating myself or feeling furious or even guilty for being silly enough to keep letting it happen.

This time, he hadn’t been strangling me. I’d known that. Anyone would’ve been able to see that if they looked into his hollow, hurting eyes.

What did he see?

What the hell has he lived through?

Kas popped up by the rapids, climbing from the deeper pool and wading through the shallower parts to the concrete structure in the middle of babbling white water. His naked back glittered with droplets as well as scars, complete with the leather belt that once bound us together. His long hair lay plastered over his shoulders, looking as if he’d just appeared from the jungle for a swim while his bare legs looked almost part of the river as he climbed over rocks and grew closer to his task. He wasn’t self-conscious as his cock bobbed between his thighs. He didn’t glance back at me to ensure I hadn’t run away. He acted as if he couldn’t stand to face me and hurled himself into distraction.

I bit my lip as he slipped on an algae-coated rock, falling to one knee. With his head bowed and both hands digging in the water up to his elbows, he looked as if he prayed to a river god.

He still wasn’t well. Doing this would tax him of whatever energy he’d been able to gain back. He’d brought me here to help, yet...I couldn’t seem to move.

Something called to me.

Something that had once been so strong I’d cried myself to sleep with longing, now whispered on the breeze.

Home.

I shivered as I turned and looked at the cliff surrounding us. The crisscross tree branch canopy shivered in the light wind, dropping the occasional orange and brown, crinkly and dead leaf.

The urge to run whispered louder.

Light-headedness from being strangled answered back.

Half of me swayed toward the rock face, gathering up strength to climb while the other half of me already knew how that story would go.

I would leave.

Kas would follow.

I would climb.

Kas would probably fall.

And I’d return because...

Why?

Because you’re worried about him? Because you care about him?

I winced.

I’d return because I was sick of going around in circles. Sick of fighting and arguing and going against all the nurturing and understanding parts of my nature.

This man was not at all well. Not just because of his concussion but something deeper than that. A rot had begun in his soul, and I didn’t know how much longer he had left. I cared because I cared about all life. It didn’t mean I wanted him for my own or had any delusions of why we were so drawn to one another.

After the last week of chained captivity and wallowing in my anger, I could never go back to that. He’d very successfully ensured that no matter how long I remained here, no matter what happened in the course of surviving together, I would never be stupid enough to fall in love. Whatever emotion I’d felt for him was no longer relevant—not because of strict pep talks in the dead of night, but because it just wasn’t possible to love something so damaged.

I could help, sure.

I could forgive, possibly.

But trust? Adore? Have faith that he was whole enough to love me back? To even understand the meaning of love?

That was where I had to draw the line.

After what he’d endured, I couldn’t blame him that pieces of himself were missing. I could understand that. I could respect that. But expecting a miracle where he suddenly grew a heart and let me go and actually willingly came with me back into society where help could possibly heal him...well, I no longer believed in fairy tales.

I’m too tired...

Tearing my eyes off Kas as he vanished into the large concrete box, ducking down to fiddle with whatever machinery made electricity from water, I chose a different story. I would not run today, but I would not help him either.

He’d hurt me.

And frankly, right now, I had nothing to give him.

Today, you’re on your own, Kassen Sands.

I was justified to rest...just a little while.

Exhaling heavily, wincing at the pain in my throat, I lay down on my back. I flinched for the numerous time at not having underwear on. My exercise bra seemed superfluous without panties protecting me. Since that first day Kas snapped the chain on me, I’d had to cut off my panties and couldn’t figure out how to get a new pair on that didn’t involve undoing the padlock.

I shouldn’t have taken off my skirt.

But it’d been clinging to my legs, making it hard to swim. I’d thought we’d stay submerged, complete the chore he’d chosen, and I’d put the material back on as we waded back to shore. I hadn’t expected him to strangle me and carry me out unconscious.

Does it matter?

He’d seen me.

He’d made it abundantly clear I wasn’t allowed to say no to him.

What difference did it make if I was nude or covered? He’d take me regardless.

My tiredness shoved away embarrassment and vulnerability.

In fact, it regressed me to animalistic roots, and I swooped up, yanked off my soaked bra, and tossed it away, leaving me sublimely bare to the hot sun.

I didn’t care anymore.

I just wanted to rest.

As I lay back, the long grass cradled me, forming around my body as if creating a natural hammock. The ground was warm and the sun beamed down, painting my nakedness with yellowy rays and shadowy crosses from the tree branch ceiling.

A splash came from the river, but I ignored it.

I gave myself this moment.

A single moment where I turned everything off.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d relaxed. Truly, completely relaxed.

It’d been too long. Way, way too long.

I didn’t know why I was suddenly able to switch off in his company after a week of living in constant awareness. A week where my skin prickled whenever he was close, and my instincts were hyper-sensitive to his every sound.

Perhaps it was his hands yet again around my throat, or maybe it was the fact he’d let me go and hadn’t checked to see if he needed to kill me to make me stay. Or maybe it was just because I’d reached my limit of being afraid, and this was now my new normal.

Either way, I only got to enjoy the sun’s golden rays for a few minutes before sleep crept over me, inching with its foggy fingers and pulling a velvet curtain over my mind. It soothed. It comforted. It erased the bruises around my neck, the bruises around my heart, sucking me deep, deep down into healing darkness.

* * * * *

I dreamed of softness and sensuality.

Two things that’d been missing in my life for far longer than when I’d first found this valley. I dreamed of my lovely lavender house. I strolled through my living room and ran my fingers over the back of my tan suede couch. I smiled at the TV as some cheesy rom-com played and inhaled with the utmost gratitude the scents of a vanilla cake baking in the oven.

Domesticated perfection.

I’d returned to my home that sheltered and protected me.

But it wasn’t lonely like before.

On the mantel, photo frames of a life shared with another replaced emptiness. In the fridge, beer rested beside my choice of white wine. In the bathroom, two toothbrushes existed instead of one.

I hugged myself in joy.

There was another person inside my perfect little home—a man who cherished and desired me. A man who came up behind me, spun me around in his arms, and settled his mouth over mine before I could see who my dream lover was.

I melted into his touch.

I gave him everything because he’d done the same for me.

He loved me to the tips of his toes.

And I loved him to the highest cliff I could climb.

The kiss started exquisitely sweet. A barely-there caress, a nip, a smile, a brush of promises. I moaned as he teased me, his hands worshiping as he gripped my waist and pulled me against his muscular body.

We both shivered as his obvious arousal dug into my stomach.

I laughed into his mouth.

He groaned into mine.

We didn’t need to speak to know just how much we needed each other and just how effortless it was between us. He knew what I was thinking before I did. I knew what he wanted before he could tell me. Everything between our hearts and minds was linked on a level that couldn’t be labeled.

Marriage couldn’t explain this. Friendship couldn’t describe this.

The only explanation could be fate.

My hands slinked into his hair, tugging a little as desire pooled in my belly. The soft kiss was now a tease. I wanted more.

He opened wider and took me harder, his lips firm and possessive. The first lash of his tongue hunting mine made my knees buckle. He wedged me against the couch and his hard body.

His hands roamed as he kissed me deeper. He palmed my breasts and pinched my nipples. He dragged his fingers down and down, dousing me in flames. With one hand he kneaded my hip while the other rocked against my clit.

I cried out, my moan swallowed by his deepening kiss.

He was everywhere. In my mouth, my mind, my heart. I couldn’t get a clear thought. I didn’t want a clear thought. All I wanted was him. Inside me. Taking me. Granting the release rapidly coiling in my core.

“Please...” I murmured into his mouth. “I need you.”

He reared back, his eyes burning with endless passion. His lips were kiss-swollen, and his scruff bristled like a caveman...but something was wrong.

Those eyes.

Neither black nor blue, undecipherable from green or hazel.

There were too many shadows in them. Too many horrors. Too much pain.

It broke my heart.

I cried for the splintered soul within.

And then, he kissed me viciously.

Slamming into me, he poured every shred of himself into me, feeding me every splintered piece, begging me to mend him, to stitch every tear and glue every fragment so one day he might have eyes that looked back with vibrant color instead of dead with despair.

But as he kissed me harder, as his touch turned desperate and the connection between us flared with fire, I began to fight.

It was too much.

Too hard.

I wasn’t enough.

I would never be enough to fix this man.

He would drown.

And I would drown with him.

Water babbled.

Air vanished.

No!

He didn’t stop.

Didn’t let me go.

He just kissed me harder, deeper, killing me with his unhappiness.