CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

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I COULDN’T DAMN WELL sleep.

I’d hoped, after a day of heavy lifting and labor, that I’d crash the moment I entered the dorm. But my thoughts were swimming, my temper was short, and every inch of me snarled with hunger to finish what I’d started with Gemma in the garden.

Having her stay with me while I’d cooked dinner had grated on my nerves, and sharing a silent meal in the dining room had pushed me closer to my limit. Every moment in her company had become harder and harder, all while a conclusion formed from smoke to solid.

A conclusion that’d been floating in my head ever since this afternoon. Ever since she hacked off the chain and ensured we were no longer tethered. No longer bound against her will.

Free.

I’d watched her as we gathered wood. I’d seen her looking at me with desire in her eyes, occasionally opening her mouth to talk before pressing her lips together as if she didn’t know where to start.

I’d wanted to talk too.

I’d wanted to apologize.

To ask if she was okay.

But the words lodged in my throat, slowly sliding into my stomach where they putrefied.

I couldn’t understand how she wasn’t running—regardless of her assurances that she wouldn’t.  

I was in constant pain, waiting for the moment she took off, never to be seen again.

Every hour that she stayed did something to me.

Every minute that she watched me prepare dinner had confirmed what I’d already known had to happen.

I’d been alone for eleven years. I’d had Gemma for only a few weeks.

Yet all it’d taken was a single afternoon to change everything. Or at least, I thought it was a single afternoon. Who knew where my head had been when we’d shared a bath together the night before? What had we discussed? What promises had we given? Had I already reached the conclusion that, despite my selfishness at wanting to keep her, my conscience could no longer condone it?

I couldn’t remember the moment my heart switched loyalties.

I couldn’t remember yesterday...but today? Today had affected me to the point where I was done with all of this. Done with keeping her prisoner. Done with pretending I felt nothing.

I couldn’t do this anymore because I wanted her so fucking much.

I wanted her more than I wanted to keep my secrets. I wanted her with every breath, ensuring my very existence switched from me to her.

It felt as if the switch had happened in a flash, but really, it’d been creeping over me ever since that first fateful day.

I hadn’t wanted to admit it. I’d buried it like all my other unwanted thoughts, but tonight, I couldn’t hide from reality anymore.

The truth of how I felt was undeniable, unexplainable, and went against all my convictions that I would never have the strength to love again.

Turned out, my heart was a liar.

And it made me fucking sick to think how I’d treated her—treated her the same way I’d been treated with no remorse, no kindness. I’d fed off my vengeance and justified my actions every time I forced myself upon her.

I’d shut down the human pieces of me, the parts that recognized what she could become. I’d done my best to fight the inevitable.

But now? Christ, now I felt that guilt, that remorse. I felt it like a hammer, smashing my skull, my heart, my bones.

I wanted to take everything back.

I wanted to confess that she’d yanked out my heart and claimed it for her own. That having her care for me for weeks, nursing a concussed asshole with the temper of a bear and the history of a brutalized boy, had finally snapped me into pieces.

She’d systematically turned me against myself.

And it’d all come to a head as she willingly, happily, worked beside me, hauling armfuls of wood, wiping sweat off her brow as she stacked neat rows for winter, helping me prepare for a season where everything died.

Each winter, I’d always hoped I’d die.

I didn’t have the balls to slit my wrists or starve myself to death, but winter did offer a roulette of existence. All it would take was to walk outside in the dark with no clothing. To lie in the snow. To go to sleep. It wouldn’t be quick, but at least it would be over.

Winter was when my will to stop surviving became vicious and cruel.

But this winter wouldn’t be like that.

I would have company. Her company. I would have a body to snuggle up with. A girl to talk to. A lover who I would do anything to make happy.

And wasn’t that the fucking kicker?

I finally accepted that I couldn’t live without her. I wouldn’t be able to face another endless blizzard where ice coated everything and loneliness ate my very soul.

I couldn’t do it.

I wouldn’t survive another winter on my own.

Which meant I was choosing to end myself because she couldn’t stay here.

She couldn’t be trapped in this valley with me when the snow arrived and covered everything in thick white. She couldn’t exist in this house while my mind slowly disintegrated into nothing.

The amnesia would only get worse.

The blackouts could last for years.

I was a menace, a danger, and I would never be able to live with myself if I hurt her again.

I was her enemy, even if she no longer saw it.

I was her killer, even as she worked beside me and didn’t run.

She has to leave.

The moment she’d hacked off the chain, I’d known it.

The second she asked me to touch her harder, I’d crumpled inside because I finally knew that the kid inside me—the kid who’d sacrificed everything for those he loved—was still in there. Still fighting to be good, even if he’d disappeared for a while.

All it’d taken was Gemma choosing me, showing me that I could be wanted, preparing to help me survive a brutal season, and she’d resurrected a piece of me that I’d thought was long dead.

A piece that’d died the moment my family left and never came back.

A piece I didn’t want anymore.

I didn’t want to be the martyr. I didn’t want to put her needs before my own. I needed her help harvesting, prepping, and weatherproofing for the snow, I knew that.

But now? Christ, now I wouldn’t be able to accept her help. Because that damn piece of me that should’ve stayed dead was back. It was her fault. Her fault for being so fucking wonderful.

I hadn’t stood a chance, had I?

I didn’t stand a chance in hell of not falling for her kindness, empathy, and understanding.

But now I had a problem.

A massive, hellish problem.

I couldn’t put her in harm’s way. I couldn’t allow her to stay because I couldn’t guarantee her safety. Thanks to that part of me that still wanted to be good, I was choosing, once again, to do whatever it took to protect those I loved.

Which meant I...

Ah, fuck...

I love her.

I slammed to a stop in the dark corridor as horror slipped through me.

I.

Love.

Her.

She’d cracked my shields and ruined my mental walls.

She’d brought me right to the edge where my past and present did its best to merge.

I loved her, and that was the worst thing I could ever do.

I buried my face in my hands.

Why?

Why did this have to happen?

Why did she have to find me? Care for me? Be so goddamn perfect?

How was I supposed to say goodbye after weeks of admitting there was no way in hell I could ever let her go? How could my thoughts suddenly flip from selfishness to doing the right thing?

Schizophrenic, Kas.

I groaned.

No, I didn’t think this was a symptom of psychosis. This was just me. A product of doing whatever it took to keep those I loved safe.

I’d condemned myself to a childhood of rape and abuse, taking as much pain as I could to shelter those I loved. And now, now I finally had a chance at being happy with someone strong enough to stand up to me, and I couldn’t allow her to stay.

I wouldn’t.

Because if I did...she’d die.

Because of me.

All my prior possession slipped away.

She wasn’t mine to keep.

She was never mine to keep.

I swallowed hard, rubbing my temples to ease my constant headache.

She had to go.

There was no other option for her.

Because I fucking love her.

And I won’t hurt her again.

I swallowed another groan, forcing myself to keep walking. I’d been up for the past hour, patroling the hallways of Fables, skulking in the shadows, hunting bastards who might hurt the woman I’d fallen head over fucking heels in love with.

That was my sole purpose now.

To guard her, watch over her, protect her from everything...including me.

I shuddered as I cut through the rear of the house, padding barefoot past the laundry and surveillance room. What happened in the garden returned to haunt me. How incredible it’d been to sink inside her while pinning her against the wall. How she’d kissed me back. How she’d reacted to my touch, my tongue, my everything.

She’d made me feel wanted.

Real.

I remembered now.

I remembered who I’d been when I’d had a family to care for.

I remembered how nothing was more important than their welfare.

She’d shown me how good it could be between us. How right it felt to have her in my arms, willing and smiling, panting and squirming. How I could finally have someone to call my own after a decade of nothing.

She’d welcomed me.

All of me, and God, I wanted that.

But you can’t have it.

It didn’t matter she’d consumed me body and soul. When she was in my arms and my body was deep within hers, I lost the ability to keep my walls up.

I slammed to another stop, recalling the sensation of having no barrier between my present and past. There’d been no labyrinth to hide in. No fortress in which to block certain things.

My mind had been open.

My memories stark and ready to swarm.

For the first time in my life, I’d had the urge to give words to the sickness inside me.

And that would not have ended well for her.

A noise wrenched my head up.

My ears pricked as ice slid down my spine.

A voice.

A masculine voice.

Fuck!

I bolted.

I grabbed the walls and hurled myself through Fables, chasing the man’s voice, panic overflowing that they’d hurt her. Touched her. Trapped her.

Gem!

A male laughter echoed through Fables.

Flickers of Storymaker and Levin and all the other men who’d hurt me swamped my mind.

My gut twisted as I bolted through the foyer and skidded into the library.

I slammed to a stop.

Gemma.

She sat cross-legged on the floor with a bunch of rope, metal, and climbing gear before her. Her head was bowed, and a sound, half a laugh, half a cry, spilled from her lips. With her back to me, I couldn’t see what she held in her hands, but the voice came again.

A stranger.

A male I didn’t know.

An enemy I needed to protect her from.

Stalking forward, I jerked as Gem’s head suddenly swung to face me, her eyes flaring wide, her hands latching around something black and large. “Kas. Crap, you scared me.” Her shoulders rolled with relief, a tentative smile on her face. Her gaze slid over my naked chest, lingering on the waistband of my jeans. Heat sparked in her eyes as her cheeks pinked. “Where the hell did you come from? What are you doing up? Did I wake you? I’m sorry if I—”

The voice came again.

“Who the hell is that?” My legs moved on their own accord, shooting forward. I almost kicked her over as I stumbled to a halt and dropped to my haunches, my attention locking onto the video playing in her hands.

There, on a tiny screen, was Gemma dressed in a yellow skirt and white T-shirt. Her golden hair glimmered in the sun, and her radiant smile lit up from within.

And she was in some asshole’s arms.

An asshole who whirled her around and threatened to throw her to the ground, only to toss her over his shoulder instead.

My temper soared, breaking through my barriers, ensuring I was seconds away from snapping. “Who the fuck is touching you?”

She flinched, studying me instead of the video. Whatever she saw on my face made her slip to her knees and angle herself toward the sharp letter opener resting on the desk above her.

My heart panged that she was unsettled enough to reach for a weapon, but my fury fired through me, uncontrolled. “Tell me who the hell is holding you.” My knuckles cracked as I flexed my hands, activating pain from cuts and bruises I didn’t remember how I earned.

She licked her lips, her voice breathy and wary. “It’s my brother. Joshua. He, eh...he likes to throw me around. To prove that even though I can bench press more than him in the gym, he can still toss me like a soccer ball.”

“He’s your brother?” I snatched the device from her, drinking in the sight of a shaggy lawn, a purple-painted house, and a laughing, carefree Gemma in the arms of another man.

I didn’t fucking care if they were related.

It wasn’t about that.

It was about her happiness.

How she glowed with it, burst with it. Her laughter clear and unafraid. Her face tipped up to the sun as Joshua lowered her carefully to the ground, then tickled her waist before snapping upright and running. Gemma shot to her feet and chased him, threatening to kick his ass all while absolute affection beamed on her face.

Whoever was recording chuckled and turned the camera on themselves, revealing an older woman who Gemma would resemble in forty years’ time. Wrinkles around her heavy, saddened eyes, and lips a bit too pink with lipstick. Sunshine twinkled on her graying gold hair, granting her beauty even if her grief tried to steal it. “Children.” The woman rolled her brown eyes. “Who would have ’em?” She sighed heavily, her sadness so obvious after witnessing Gemma’s squeals of joy before Joshua spun back into the frame and ripped the recorder from the woman’s hands.

Angling it up at himself, he winked and ran a hand through his dark blond hair.

I could see the family resemblance. He and Gemma could’ve been twins.

“My dear ole mother is only complaining because Gem is such a bad cook. She burned the cupcakes she was baking for us.” He ducked suddenly as Gemma reappeared, snatching the camera and angling it on herself. “Lies! He deliberately picked me up, dragged me out of my house, and proceeded to demand a cash allowance for being a jerk.” She sniffed and bolted around the garden, still holding the camera as Joshua chased her, filling up the view behind. “You ruined those cupcakes, Joshykins, not me!”

“Grrrr. Come back here, sparkly Gemstone. I deserve payment for being your sibling, and you owe me for that ridiculous nickname. Who else puts up with you and your midnight texts about you going off on some boulder hunt, huh? Piss me off, and you have no one!”

“Oh, you love it,” she yelled back. “Admit it. You have no one else to bother you at midnight ’cause you suck at women!”

“I do not.”

“Do too!”

“Argh, you wait!” He sped up and launched himself on her. The camera went flying, sending the video spinning before it crashed into the grass and filmed the two squabbling siblings sideways in the dirt.

“Pay me a million dollars, or else I’ll...I’ll post online that you’d rather kiss a frog than go out with anyone who shows a tiny amount of interest in you!”

Gemma squirmed and pinched him hard in the side. “Excuse me if I have standards and don’t just hump anyone who smiles at me.” She giggled—a sound I’d never heard, never earned—and added, “Not that you succeed in even doing that. Like I said, totally pathetic in love.”

“Now, now.” Their mother walked toward the camera, plucking it from the grass and zooming in on the two demented siblings as they rolled onto their backs, kicking each other like toddlers. “Don’t kill each other over cupcakes. And Gem, don’t pick on your brother. He’s not pathetic in love.”

“He’s demanding money for that very reason.” Gem laughed loudly. “Tell you what. I’ll give you twenty thousand if you go out with my friend who’s been ogling you for months.”

“Katie?” Joshua wrinkled his nose. “She could kick my ass in her sleep. I’m not safe.”

“I could kick your ass. And do.” Gemma winked.

“Yeah, and that’s why I don’t like you. Climber girls are weird.”

“You like me. You lurve me!”

“Only if you pay me to!” Joshua threw himself back on her with an animalistic roar. “I’ll show you just how much I’m worth, Gemstone. A far sight more than you, that’s for sure. I mean, who’s calling who pathetic when you choose rocks over a man and can’t bake to save your life?” He grabbed a handful of grass and stuffed it down her T-shirt, making her squeal. “Not to mention a girl who’s too cheap to buy a lawnmower and actually do some gardening!”

“Okay, that’s enough. The neighbors will talk.” The video suddenly cut off as if their mother had turned off the recorder and gone to discipline her children.

I tripped backward, falling on my ass and finding it hard to breathe.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit!

Icy claws sliced my back as panic quickly flooded my bloodstream.

Gem’s laughter still rang in my ears. Growing louder and louder, a direct contradiction to the heavy silence in the darkened library.

I couldn’t...

I can’t breathe.

My heart felt like it would explode from my chest. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t handle seeing what she’d been like. How carefree she’d been. How light and young and happy.

Before me.

Before I’d imprisoned her, used her, dimmed out the light that’d been so wonderfully bright inside her.

I’d done more than just captured her—I’d snuffed out that light inside her. I’d done so many unforgivable things, but that? God...that was the worst.

I’d changed her.

I’d made her sad and scared and—

“Fuck!” I launched to my feet and backed away, tripping into Storymaker’s throne as vertigo hit me. Gemma’s giggle, her light-hearted wonderful goddamn giggle, continued to echo in my ears.

I drove both hands into my hair, ignoring my broken arm twingeing, doing my best to yank that giggle free. To rip out everything I’d ever done to her. Doing my best to ignore who I’d been, what I was, and what I’d become because of her.

I growled at nothing. At everything.

I wanted to kill Storymaker and all the Fable guests all over again for taking my one chance at happiness and stealing it before I’d even had a chance to try.

“Kas? Kas, what is it? What’s wrong?” Gem swooped to her feet, placing her recorder on the desk beside the letter opener. I waited for her to grab the weapon. I wanted her to. I wanted her to be armed and threaten me. To force me to keep my distance all while I fucking unraveled.

But she didn’t.

She came toward me, arms open, worry blazing in her stare. Worry for me. Kindness for me. So brave. So forgiving, yet...no sign of that effortless happiness she’d had with her brother, in her home, far, far away from me.

I wanted to be sick.

I wanted to run.

Instead, I shot out of the chair and stumbled backward. My legs locked, and I slammed against the wall. The same wall where my blood stained the wallpaper and signs of an earlier breakdown whispered through my memories.

I flinched as something teased on the outskirts of my thoughts.

Something black and grave; something I didn’t want to recall.

“Stay away from me, Gem.” I braced myself, twitching with determination, doing my best to keep my memories at bay.

“It’s okay.” She held up her hands, acting as if I were a cougar about to attack. “I keep forgetting that all of this will be so new to you. You’ve lived in the place without TV or movies. You’ve probably never seen a home video before—”

“It’s not that.” I bit out, doing my best to get control of my hurt, my temper, the part of me still so fucking possessive of her. “I know what a video is.”

Panic licked through me, building into an attack. My nostrils flared, inhaling too fast, doing my best not to give in to a blackout that could arrive at any second because she was too much. Far, far too much for my pitiful mind to handle.

God, she’d been so happy.

So free.

She’d had everything I’d always wanted. A family who joked and jested. A sibling who was whole and not scarred. A home that protected and kept her safe at night instead of housed a hundred monsters.

I was jealous.

So fucking jealous.

And I was also horrified.

Horrified that I’d changed her from a giggling, happy woman into one who watched me as if her very life was on the line.

Which it was.

I was so, so close to snapping.

I could feel it.

The looseness of my psyche.

The shadows of my past.

The hissing memories just waiting to snatch me.

She touched me.

I sucked in a tattered groan.

She cupped my cheek and interrupted my chaos, and...

And I couldn’t stop myself.  

Grabbing her by the wrist, I spun her around and shoved her against the wall.

She let out a little squeak as I placed my palm on her sternum, keeping her trapped. Her eyes widened, the hazel color swirling with golds and greens, hesitation and wariness but no fear, no hate.

“How do you do it?” I hissed. “How do you look at me like that after everything I’ve done?”

She flinched, locking her fingers around my wrist where my hand pinned her against the wall. Licking her lips, she whispered, “Because I see you.”

“But you don’t. You don’t see. You don’t know. Not really.”

“I know enough.”

“But you don’t.” I bared my teeth. “You don’t understand that it’s fucking killing me knowing you’re not safe around me. That I lie in bed at night, wanting you so damn much, but not knowing how to treat you. I’m terrified that any moment, I’ll snap and hurt you. I’m afraid, Gem. All the goddamn time. I’m afraid because one kiss from you, a single passing touch, and my mind is no longer mine to control. It lets go. It remembers. And when it remembers, I blank.” I added more weight to my hand, driving her harder against the wall. “I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I feel like I’m going around in circles. I want to keep you, but I can’t. I need you to go, but I honestly don’t know how to say goodbye. But you have to go. You need to leave because I’ve gone and done something really fucking stupid.” I cut myself off, panting hard.

She trembled in my hold, her tongue wetting her bottom lip. “What have you done?” True fear licked through her stare. “What did you do, Kas?”

I slid my hand from her sternum to her throat, closing my fingers around the column of muscle. “Something that I can’t undo. Something that means you can’t stay here anymore.”

She went unnervingly still, highly aware of my fingers locked around her neck. “Kas...”

“I’m not well,” I groaned, part of me loving her sudden wariness and the other part screaming to stop. Two sides of me. Two sides that would forever rule and condemn me. “I think you already know that though, don’t you?” I ran my thumb over her silky skin, seeing faint bruises from the previous times I’d hurt her.

How many marks had I left on her?

How many souvenirs of ownership that were never meant to be given?

“Kas, look at me,” she murmured, twisting her head a little, asking silently for me to release my grip. I loosened my hold, even though it cost me. Even though I continued to battle between the good and the bad and the monster inside me.

“Tell me what you did. Did you remember something? Did you do something in your sleep?”

Fuck, her worry was all about my welfare, not hers.

She searched my face for signs that I was the one hurting. She didn’t for a second fear for herself. Her kindness reached into my chest and ripped out my godforsaken heart.

Tipping forward, I wedged my forehead against hers. I breathed her in. I smelled faint threads of woodsmoke and papaya.

Something hissed on my memories—slithering like a snake, hissing with a forked tongue with things I didn’t want to remember. Things that made sweat roll down my spine.

“What did you do, Kas?” She nudged her nose with mine, shattering me into pieces.

I pressed my body against hers, aligning our hips, grazing my lips over her mouth.

I fell in love with you.

The sentence flew into my head, loud, obnoxious, flapping on wings made of worry. I tasted them on my tongue. I felt them in the back of my throat. It would be the biggest confession of my life. A heart-breaking admittance that I no longer wanted to be this man. This loner. This beast.

I wanted to be better.

I wanted to deserve her.

But I’d never deserve her.

And I couldn’t tell her how I felt because then she’d never leave. She’d stay. For me. She’d stay because she’d believe there was hope. That I’d finally allowed light into my darkness. That this was a beginning where I only saw an end.

“Kas...” She arched her chin, pressing her mouth firmly to mine. “Talk to me. What’s wrong? You can tell me anything. You can trust me—”

I couldn’t fight it anymore.

Tomorrow, I would march her out of my valley at gunpoint if I had to.

Tonight, I would indulge one last time. I would say goodbye in the only way I could.

I kissed her.

Slow and shallow, I licked at the seam of her lips, my body locking with need as she shivered. Her head fell back, and her mouth opened, giving herself over to me in an instant.

My stomach coiled. My balls tightened. I grew agonizingly hard.

I love you.

My hand unlatched from around her throat, dropping down her front to palm her breast.

She cried out as I squeezed, her tongue twisting with mine.

A hiss of something black coated my thoughts. A memory I had no intention of remembering. The doors between me and my past opened wide, and my walls smashed into rubble.

I should pull away.

I should stop before I no longer knew what was real and what was not.

I should toss her out of this mansion before my lust switched to violence, and she suffered.

But her hands wrapped around my nape, pulling me into her, shattering my willpower. She sucked in a breath as I deepened the kiss, sinking into her taste. Her tiny gasp ignited the fire between us, placing us in a vortex of crackling lust.

“He loves you so much,” I groaned, pinching her nipple, fondling her. “And I took you away from him.”

“Who? Josh?” Her back arched, gifting up more of her flesh. “He’s my brother. He’s biologically programmed to love me.”

“He’d murder me if he knew what I’ve done to you.” I captured her mouth in a fierce, viscous kiss.

She moaned as I dropped my hand down her front, cupping between her legs. Her hazel eyes darkened to golden brown. “When you meet him, I’ll promise to protect you from his wrath.”

I kissed her again.

I kissed her with tongue and teeth and pain. So much fucking pain because she still thought this was our beginning when I knew different.

This was our end.

This was all we could ever have.

I’d been selfish long enough, and it was time to fix everything I’d done wrong.

I would let her go.

She’d go back to her loved ones.

And then, I would let the winter come.

I wouldn’t bother planting vegetables. I wouldn’t hunt. I wouldn’t gather.

I would just wait.

And I would be grateful as the snow finally ended my misery.

Ripping my mouth from hers, I latched my teeth onto her neck. Deep and unapologetic, completely uncontrolled as primal instincts overrode the shreds of my humanity.

I wanted her to run, but I also wanted her to spread her legs.

I wanted her to say yes and no.

I wanted so many contradictory things. The two sides of me tugged in opposite ends of a war I couldn’t keep fighting. The protector and the damned, the lover and the nightmare.

Her hands landed in my hair, dragging my head back up as her mouth sought mine.

She willingly kissed me.

She inched me closer to the edge.

Our teeth clacked and tongues slashed, reaching dangerous levels.

I felt it.

The blackness teasing my mind. Memories gathering with tar and oil.

“Gem...” I choked on a growl. “I don’t...I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

She inhaled, harsh and quick. “You’re not hurting me, Kas.” She nipped at my bottom lip. “Kiss me. Stop fighting what you feel and give in.”

Christ, that was what I was trying so hard not to do.

If I gave in, who knew if she’d be breathing after. Who knew if I’d—

“Kiss me,” she moaned, her leg latching around my hip, rocking her pussy against my achingly hard cock. Fissures of desire shot through me. Lust exploded in my blood.

“I need you to finish what you started in the garden.” Her body writhed against mine in need. “Please, Kas.”

Her plea.

Her need.

It broke me.

My head roared with darkness. My mind gave into sickness.

Shoving up her nightgown, I gathered the soft material at her waist with jerky grabs. I snarled with need as I found creamy thighs, strong muscle, and hot wetness between her legs.

“Oh, God.” She jerked as I sank two fingers deep inside her. For a second, she hovered in propriety and decorum. She stood on her tiptoes, balanced on my hand with two of my fingers impaled inside her.

We made eye contact.

Electricity swarmed round us, making my skin prickle and heart race.

I stroked her.

I thrust my hand deeper.

And something switched inside her. Something got loose. Something manic and wild.

“Kas.” Her hands clawed at my naked chest, her nails scratching me as she dropped them to my jeans and tore at the zipper. “Now.” She undid the button and pushed them over my ass. “I need you now.”

I quaked as her need infected me.

It rippled through my memories, plaiting present with past, sinking me deeper into things I couldn’t face.

My jeans fell to my ankles.

Gemma pulled me forward, and the second our skin touched skin, we lost ourselves.

I fell on her like a savage. Kissing, touching, fingering.

We moaned and pawed.

She grabbed my length and squeezed, stroking me fast and hard.

We weren’t human. We were claws and cruelty, imprinting and scarring each other before the moment could be stolen.

She choked on a cry as I inserted a third finger, her hips riding my hand with total abandon. I stopped kissing her to watch. To witness how her eyelashes feathered on her cheeks as she squeezed her eyes closed with need. How her mouth popped wide with a silent scream. How her hair rubbed against the wall as I thrust my cock into her palm.

A slither of blackness hissed in my mind, hinting at a memory I wouldn’t like.

Shaking my head, I forced myself to stay with her.

“Kas...I need you.” Her eyes blazed open, pupils dilated with hunger. She looked absolutely perfect. So stunning. So unbelievably beautiful and wild and mine.

She wanted me.

Truly wanted me.

She was addicted to the same kind of madness I was. A disease that had no medicine or remedy, leaving us both doomed forever.

“I need you to fuck me, Kas. Show me you feel this too.”

I shut my eyes as my mind swarmed with sick shadow. Her command mirrored the mistresses of my past. Her instruction to pleasure her. Her authority shackling my body to her direction.

I shuddered.

“Hey...it’s me, Kas.” Her hand landed on my cheek, forcing my eyes wide. I focused on her. Only her. I did my best to forget about the abusers of my childhood.

“Just me.” Her whisper arrowed through my heart. “Just us.”

I drowned in her stare, suffocating on the emotions she let me see.

She didn’t just want my body.

She wanted me.

Every part.

All of it.

And fuck, I wanted to give it to her.

I wanted to be honest.

To be free.

To be happy.

I opened my mouth to tell her I loved her. That despite all my martyrdom and desire to be good, I would never let her out of my arms. She was mine...for fucking eternity.

I bowed closer.

I grew drunk on her lips as I let the final barriers inside me crash down.

And that was it.

My mind abducted me, wrenching me back into a black void.

“Kas, stop!”

Her scream fed the mania inside me as I rutted harder, faster and faster, fucking her like an animal on the library floor.

Her face twisted with tears. Her legs spread wide as my ass pumped between them.

I viewed it as an outsider.

I saw precisely what I’d become.

My hips pumped harder, aggressive and mean, crazed with violence and nightmares.

She gasped and cried, tears glittering on her cheeks as I plunged deep, taking her against her will. She was nothing beneath me. Nothing but a vessel for me to purge all my dementedness into.

“Please!” she screamed, tears catching in her throat, disbelief etching her panic-stricken face. “Please, stop, please—”

She locked eyes on the ceiling as I ignored her.

My hips worked harder.

I took her so hard, she inched along the carpet, her skin rubbing raw.

I fucked her.

Wilder.

Meaner.

My body pinning hers down while I did something un-fucking-forgivable.

I was exactly what the guests had been.

Taking her against her will.

Making her helpless and traumatized.

“This can’t be happening,” she moaned, stricken and broken as I continued to ride her without permission.

Her legs flopped wider as I crawled into her body.

She closed her eyes and gave in.

She gave up.

She went lax beneath me and still I rode her like a monster.

No!

Stop it.

STOP IT!

I tripped backward.

I fell with my jeans looped around my ankles, smashing to my ass.

I couldn’t stop trembling. Shaking. Convulsing.

Sweat drenched me.

Nausea climbing up my throat.

No.

That couldn’t—

I didn’t.

FUCK.

But I had.

I remembered.

I remembered it all.

How I’d chased that release like a maniac.

How she’d stopped fighting beneath me.

How I hadn’t stopped—

“Jesus Christ,” I groaned, wiping my mouth with a quaking hand.

“Oh—” Gemma’s voice dragged my gaze to her. “Are you okay?” She reached out to me in surprise. Her face no longer pinched with pain from when I’d hurt her but lax with lust and welcome. “What happened? Did you trip?”

I glanced past her to the blood on the wallpaper and down to the carpet.

And I retched.

Right here.

I’d done it right here.

In this very fucking spot, I’d raped the girl I was in love with.

I’d had my cock deep inside her, my body punishing hers, and I hadn’t even been aware of it. I’d been trapped in a nightmare. A hallucination. A goddamn curse.

I’d hurt her past anything redeemable.

I’d raped—

Nausea spilled from my gut, lightning quick.

“Oh, shit.” I scrambled to my hands and knees, giving in to the repulsive abomination inside me.

I wanted to spew it all out.

I wanted every twisted and nauseating memory out of me.

Gemma dropped to her knees beside me, her hand landing on my back and drawing soft circles. “It’s okay. Was it the soup? What can I do?”

Nothing came up.

Acid burned my soul.

I wanted to die.

I wanted to grab a knife and stab it into my worthless heart.

Instead, I laughed.

A cold, empty laugh that cut like a blade. A blade that made me bleed, giving me a thousand cuts of sorrow.

Even now.

Even after I’d raped her, imprisoned her, taken everything she had to give, she still offered more. And because I was a motherfucking bastard, I would continue to take and take until she had nothing left.

No.

It ends.

Right now.

Scrambling to my feet, I yanked my jeans up and fought the wave of headaches and imbalance.

I couldn’t do this.

I wouldn’t.

She had to leave.

Before I did something worse.

Shouldering past her, I snapped, “Pack your bag, Gemma Ashford. We’re done here. I want you gone in the morning.”

I left before she could argue.

I broke into a run, crashing off a wall, struggling to stay standing through my horror.

Wrenching open the front door, I bolted from Fables, from her, and myself.

I didn’t stop running.