It’s the first night of our trip in the hotel room-alone at last. Sophie and I manage to be civil to each other without addressing our issues all day. On the plane ride she chose to read brochures on colleges that her mother had sent over, or read magazines.
College, I forgot about college. She’ll be leaving me behind, just like I knew eventually she would, but never really expected it to happen. Every sign tells my head that this relationship is not going to work, if only my heart would listen, maybe, just maybe, I could move forward without her. Doubt it, but I’m starting to believe it’s not my choice anymore.
“So, where should we eat tonight? We could head downstairs, or out on the town, whatever you want?” I ask her. She is still wearing her blue bathing suit, that she knows I adore on her, after an hour of being back upstairs. I may need a cold shower if she doesn’t change soon. I’m sitting on the edge of the king size bed, watching her bent over, rummaging through her luggage. She tosses a few things out when I see one of my favorite T-shirts that she liked to sleep in land on top of the pile.
“Umm, I don’t really care. You pick,” she says, nonchalantly. As a few more articles of clothing land on the bed, I can’t help but notice a few items I most definitely have never seen on her. How, I would love to see the little purple lacy number at the top of the pile on her, is a major understatement.
I clear my throat, letting the image of her lying next to me wearing it run through my head. “How about we head downstairs, then maybe go for a walk on the beach?”
She pulls out a white sundress, and tucks her undergarments underneath the dress, before making her way toward the bathroom, giving me a sideward glance. “Sure. Let me shower. I just need about half an hour to get ready.”
We barely get to our table when Sophie just stops in front of me. She turns, looking up into my eyes. Mine search hers, waiting for her to say something, but she doesn’t, or can’t. I’m not sure which one it is. She just smiles softly, then turns to follow the hostess to our table.
She looks breathtaking tonight. She’s wearing the sundress that she wore the night we shared our first dance together here. Her cheeks have some color from the sun, and even a few freckles have started to show on her shoulders, and nose. Her hair is flowing over her shoulders, with a pin holding back one side.
I feel underdressed in my cargo shorts and linen shirt. Maybe I should have brought something nicer to show her how serious I am about her. But, then I start to think maybe Sophie doesn’t care, she never has.
It’s painfully quiet at our table as we both pretend to study the menu. I grab a breadstick, debating what I could say to turn the night around. If I could just get her to understand. The room is full of people, soft reggae music is playing in the background, the occasional clang of dishes comes from the kitchen.
Sophie orders the lobster, and a glass of champagne, so I just order the same, but ask for a bottle. I can’t concentrate on food or music, just her face. She looks a little tense, almost skittish to be here.
“I couldn’t help but notice only one big bed, Ethan. I really don’t think that’s a great idea. Would you mind sleeping on the couch, or I could?”
“It’s fine. I’ll take the couch.” Great! Now I’ve been banished to riding the couch.
She just nods slightly, both of us quiet.
“So, what are your plans when you go home?” I ask, merely to break the tension.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll go shopping for my dorm things, and hang out with Val before she leaves. You know, the basics.” After she says this without so much as missing a beat, like yeah, whatever, this it what’s next for me after you, my stomach feels like it’s in a knot.
“College? I wasn’t aware that you made that decision.”
“Well, my mom called a few times over the last few weeks. I got in to my top three. So that’s pretty amazing.” She smiles, unabashedly.
“I thought you were thinking of staying in London for school?”
She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, and looks away as she answers, “Oh, I never, um, got around to applying.”
“So which ones are you considering?”
“Oh, um, Ithaca, Providence and Seattle. I need to choose in the next couple of weeks. It’s a really big decision, so I need to weigh out the pros and cons. See which place I would feel more comfortable in. Part of me wants to go to Seattle to be near my Dad, but ugh..let’s not forget evil step-monster comes with that decision.”
“Soph?”
“Anyway, like I said, I need to decide soon, and Val is going to Vermont, so Providence would be kind of close to her.”
“Soph?”
“Although, Ithaca is such a doable drive. It’s only an hour and a half from Mom and Austin.”
“Sophie, bloody hell stop rambling.” “Oh, what is it?” She asks, innocently. I want to get up and run, like always, but I force myself to stay. “It’s nothing.
I’m sure you’ll make the right choice. Let’s just eat.” After we finish the dinner, and the bottle of champagne, Sophie fiddles with her napkin in her lap, looking at everything but me. I can’t tell if she’s nervous, or if she’s starting to regret coming with me. I know I need to say something.
“How about that walk on the beach we talked about?”
Her face lifts, and she finally looks at me. She pushes back from her chair. “Sure.”
I do the same after I quickly scribble down our room number on the bill. I decide to take my shot. As she starts to walk away, I move a little faster to catch up, and I grab onto her hand. She doesn’t let go, so I hold on to her a little tighter.
“Ethan,” she whispers. “What are we doing?” “We’re going for a walk.”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
We come to the end of the concrete walk that leads us onto the beach. Sophie drops my hand from hers, before bending down to slip off her shoes. I follow suit, taking my loafers off, and set them in the sand. Her eyes follow my every move, but she holds onto her shoes.
I reach down to grab them out of her hand. “No one will take them. Leave them here.”
She nods, handing them over. I place them next to mine.
Sophie looks up at the moon for several seconds, before turning to me. “It’s so beautiful tonight.”
Immediately, I answer, “You’re more beautiful.” Her mouth tips up into a small smile. “Nice line.” I turn her to face me, cupping her face in my hands. “It’s not a line, Sophie.” The desire to kiss her has me unraveling inside. I lean down, tilting her face up to meet mine. Just as my lips start to graze hers, she turns her head. I clench my jaw, trying to hold back getting upset, or angry.
My hands drop down to my sides. “I thought you came here to try?” She turns, wrapping her arms around herself. “I am trying.” I hear her sniffle a few times. I rake my hand through my hair, then grab her elbow, pulling her with me. “C’mon, let’s go for that walk. I have a story to tell you.” This time, she grabs onto me. Just the feel of her hand in mine, settles me. After we walk a little further down the beach, we get closer to the ocean. I gesture for her to sit. She smoothes her dress down with her hands, tucking her feet underneath her.
I sit down next to her, as close as I can get. “First, let me apologize again. I know I’ve said it a million times, but I am sorry, Soph. I never wanted to hurt you, you have to know that. I mean, somewhere deep inside of me, I knew it was going to happen, but I couldn’t breathe in London. It was like a weird out of body experience, that I couldn’t control. And, you were caught in the crossfire. I’ll never forgive myself for the pain I caused you, and if I do lose you, well, that’s my fault. I had everything I wanted, and I fucked it up.”
I fall back into the sand, looking up to the stars. I could always see them as something more, but tonight they’re just stars twinkling in the sky. It’s hard to dream anymore. Sophie switches positions, so she can face me. “Ethan, I know you’re sorry. You don’t have to say it anymore. If you would have just picked up the phone, once even, I would have waited forever for you.”
A small laugh escapes me. “I called you so many times, Sophie. I just never had the balls to beg for your forgiveness over the phone. I’d hang up as soon as you answered. I was so ashamed of myself. Ashamed I left you to fend for yourself. Ashamed at the words I said to you. Ashamed at the look on your face when I did. I had so much pain, and rage boiled up inside of me. I don’t expect you to wrap your head around it, I couldn’t.” I sit up, and pull her to me. “I just want to be us again. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I love you so much. I can’t imagine not waking up next to you ever again.”
Sophie wipes away a tear that falls onto her cheek. “What about Australia?”
I grab a hold of her legs, and pull them around my waist so she’s sitting on my lap. “I don’t know. We’ll figure it out, I promise. I just want you.”
Sophie’s arms wrap around my neck, and then she smiles softly. It’s the first time in a long time, that I let myself feel hope. She rests her forehead on mine, breathing in and out several times. “I want you too.”
Her lips crash onto mine, and I savor it for a moment, before flipping her onto her back. My hands slip under her neck, pulling her slightly up to meet my kiss. The feel of her warm hands slip under my shirt, running up and down my back. With one hand still cupping her neck, I let my other run down, feeling the contours of her body. My hand slowly hikes her dress up so I can touch her skin. She pauses, and pulls back a little. I hate the separation. “What?” I ask, frantically searching her eyes.
“Maybe we should go back to the room,” She suggests. I shake my head. “I don’t think I can make it that far, Soph.” She chuckles. “I’m not kidding.” I’m still on top of her, our faces barely an inch apart. She looks from side to side, then releases a huge smile, and then pulls me back down. I hike her dress even further up her leg, as her hands come down to my shorts. She starts to unbuckle my belt, but then stops to look at me. “If we get caught, I’m going to kill you.”
I’m panting, I feel like I can’t breathe, let alone wait much longer. “I’ll be quick. Trust me.”
She rolls her eyes. “Gee, thanks.” I wince. “Sorry, it’s been so long.” Her hands grab my face. “Shut up, and kiss me.” The sun is just starting to rise when we make our way back up to the room.
Sophie fell asleep in the crook of my arm, and I didn’t have the heart to wake her. She keeps running her fingers through her hair, complaining about all the sand caked in her hair, but I think she looks adorable.
That afternoon I wake before her. She looks so innocent curled up to the pillow. My stomach rumbles, so I hop out of bed to change into my board shorts to grab some food for us. I scribble a quick note, dropping it onto my bedside, telling her I’ll be back in twenty minutes.
The buffet on display makes my mouth water instantly. I make two plates of eggs, bacon, toast, and grab some coffee before placing them on a small tray. Once I get back to the room, I place the tray of food down, slip the keycard from my pocket, and open the door quietly in case she’s still sleeping.
I can’t wait to get back to her. The only thing I want to do is wrap my arms around her, and hold her all day.
Although, when I walk in, she’s not in the bed.
I check the bathroom, but there is no sign of her, panic starts to build, my heart races at the thought of her gone, when I hear muffled cries coming from the balcony.
I step out to Sophie, who is covered up in the white hotel robe, peering down to the pool area.
“Sophie,” I call out softly. “What’s wrong?”
In her hand lies my mobile. SHITE!
She walks around me, and back inside the room. “You got a text. It woke me up. I only looked because I thought it was probably Peter, but it wasn’t.” She tosses the mobile onto the lounge chair and sits on the edge of it.
She looks back up at me with her huge green eyes, filled with tears. “Who’s Brooke?”
My eyes close. Why did I ever give that girl my number? “She’s just a girl I met when I left.” “Where did you meet her?” “Why do you want to know this?” I ask her skeptically. She blows her nose, then looks at me. “Just answer the question.” “Ireland.”
She laughs, but it’s not a happy one. It’s an, “I figured” one. “When?” “What does it matter?” “It matters to me Ethan. WHEN?” She screams. “About two months ago. I was checking out the Blarney Stone, and she was there with some friends about to kiss it, when I told her not to. I mean, everyone knows the Irish piss all over it.” I stop to look at her before I continue. “I stopped her from doing it, and we met up for a few drinks.”
“So while I was home crying my eyes out, throwing up, and being shoved tea from your Aunt every five-seconds, you were off having fun with Brooke?”
My head keeps yelling, DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING, but I take a deep breath. I can’t lie to her, not after everything else.
Feeling ashamed as ever, I have a hard time looking at her, but I force myself. “Yes, but, I swear she meant nothing to me...I swear to it. Ask Pete. Sophie, she’s an American from Ohio. When I closed my eyes and listened to her, I swear I felt like you were with me. I am so sorry, but yes, I was with her. Just once, not that that matters, but fuck,” I stop, furious at myself. If Brooke screws this up for me, so help me. “We just figured this out. We’re back together. You need to forgive me?”
“You are unbelievable?” She shoves me. “You think because you thought it was me that you heard, while you were with someone else that I’d forgive you?” She points to the door. “Get out, Ethan. NOW!”
“Sophie, please listen to me. I love you, and only you. If you’d just let me explain better.”
Sophie stands her ground, so I stand mine, but she must realize that I’m no going to leave, so she runs into the bathroom, and slams the door. I hear the little click of the lock mechanism.
Great! This is not how I expected this trip to pan out. I bang on the door for over an hour, slumped on the floor. She doesn’t come out.
Drowning my sorrows is something I’ve gotten used to, so why stop now? The clock on the bar reads ten when I know I’ve had my fill. I want to go back to the room and knock some sense into that head of hers, and after putting away too much liquor, believe I have the balls to do it.