Rasia smoothed a hand over her bare head. Most had molted off, but when Kai floored the windship away from Nico, the wind had taken the rest. Kai helped to shave the few stubborn patches left with his dagger. Rasia wondered if this was what a gran-scorpion felt like without its carapace, or a hyena without its pelt. She felt stripped of skin, exposed, and scratched raw by every brush of air.
Rasia had escaped Death before, but it had been so close this time, as if Death’s claws had raked against her skin and taken chunks out of her. She felt porous and off-balance. Or maybe it was the lack of hair. Who knew hair could hold so much weight?
“Are you alright?” Kai asked.
Rasia turned to Kai, who sat behind her. Back on the windship, Rasia had struggled to stand for any length of time, so Kai pulled the windship over and made camp so they both could get some rest. Or so he’d claimed. He had probably done it so he could keep an eye on her without having to steer.
Kai leaned against a large rock formation that formed a hollow wrapping them in a hard hug. It was a good spot for a camp, and judging from evidence of past campfires, scavengers had thought the same.
“Am I still sexy without my hair?” Rasia couldn’t help but to ask, self-conscious, finally feeling like all her peers taking off their shrouds for the first time.
“Of course you are,” Kai said, too fast in Rasia’s opinion. “I think all the insects and small creatures that made it home will miss it more.”
Rasia pushed her hand into his face, smiling. She barely applied much strength behind the playful shove, but Kai dropped down on his side. He stared up at her, with an intense gaze, searching her face. Something uncomfortable twisted her stomach. Rasia used one of the nearby rocks to temporarily stand and brush off the snippets of hair.
“Remember the first time we had sex?” Rasia asked.
“I’ll never forget.”
“I hadn’t taken my wrap off in years. It had sort of melded together and I couldn’t take it off even if I wanted to. Then you cut me out of it, and suddenly I was exposed and off-balance and never realized how it had become a second skin. It feels the same without my hair. Dying sucks.”
Rasia spread out her bedroll, weak kneed, and laid across the mat in painful relief. Kai joined her, and it felt good when he wrapped an arm around her waist. She stared at the stars, too tired to move her body and process all the tossed emotions the poison had left in its wake.
“I’m sorry,” Rasia whispered.
“For what?”
“About the gonom. I thought I knew what I was doing. I never intended for this to happen.”
“I know.”
Rasia tangled their fingers and tucked his arm under her head. She was still feeling spasms through her body.
“Rasia,” Kai said, after a moment.
“Hmm?”
Kai shifted onto his forearm. Rasia turned to look at him, with that intensity in his eyes again. He licked his lips. “I want more. I want to be more than just friends. I want to . . . court . . . you.”
Rasia laughed, and immediately regretted it when pain stabbed through her ribs. That injury too, was annoyingly still there. At Kai’s wince, Rasia realized Kai had been serious, and it wasn’t some joke she hallucinated.
“I’m sorry. That was stupid.” Kai laughed at himself, sharp and hollow, then turned and huddled away from her.
Technically, courting wasn’t too different from what they were doing now, except that courting was a blatant declaration of intentions to pursue her in the hopes of a romantic commitment. It was the commitment part that was the problem.
“Kai, I . . . I almost just died,” Rasia said, unable to be anything but honest. “I’ve only ever had sex with you. There’s so much I haven’t done yet. I want to kiss other people. I want to have sex with other people. The last thing I want to do is tie someone else’s name to mine.” Rasia stared at his back. “This doesn’t have to change anything.”
“You probably think me a fool.”
“Not necessarily. I am awesome,” Rasia said lightly.
“It’s not awesome being on the other side,” he mumbled.
“We can still fuck.”
Kai turned at that and gave Rasia the most frigid, unimpressed glare imaginable.
Rasia quickly amended, “I mean—no sex until after the Naming Ceremony. I’ve learned my lesson. No more mistakes. No more accidents. We’ll do this the right way.”
“How mature of you.”
“I know. It sucks. Try not to miss this ass.”
“If only I had an ounce of your self-control.”
“Ha! I have plenty of self-control.”
“Your hand was once dipped into the Lake of Yestermorrow because you don’t.”
Rasia’s smile warmed. “Kai, I like you. You’re literally the first friend I’ve ever made other than jih, and he doesn’t really count. Even beyond the Forging, and beyond the tryouts, that fact doesn’t change. The lake tried to give me everything I could possibly want, but all I wanted was you. That’s not fate, or bones thrown. I chose you. You and I, and our kull, that’s forever.”