Joe was a mess. He knew it, everyone around him knew it, and yet whenever anyone even tried to mention anything, he ignored them. They’d go away eventually, wouldn’t they?
After his showdown with Clare at the office, she’d walked out and, within a week, as promised, she’d moved out. He still wasn’t convinced about the pregnancy, still thought it was a ploy to get him back, but he had no proof.
The first few days after Seb had left, he’d tried desperately to get in touch with him, calling and texting him, knowing deep down that he wouldn’t reply. He was sure Dom and Natalia were fed up with him going around, and eventually, he tired of seeing the pitying looks in their eyes and stopped visiting.
He took some time off from work. He had plenty of vacation days available, and he just couldn’t concentrate when he was there anyway. Hazel was understanding and had managed to rearrange his meetings and reallocate the work to some of the other partners and accountants.
Joe moped at home, pulling the clothes he’d lent to Seb out of his drawers and laying them out on the bed next to him. He felt stupid doing it, but he could just about smell the unique scent of citrus and Seb on the clothes. When had he become this pathetic man that couldn’t even feed himself, let alone get dressed every morning?
He realised that his feelings for Seb had grown to this all-consuming thing that wouldn’t allow him to function, so he decided to get out, do something, anything.
He managed to shower and dress, picked up his keys and phone and drove to the beach where he’d spent the evening with Seb and Rocco. He felt compelled to go there. It was a place he loved, a place that made him feel calm and the last place he’d felt truly alive with Seb by his side.
He drove a little farther along to where the cliffs met the sea, then got out of his car and turned his face to the warm sun. There was a stiff breeze, and Joe walked to the edge of the cliff. He listened to the sea pound against the rocks, the sound hypnotic. Rhythmic and soothing.
“Not gonna jump now, are you, lad?” a gruff voice asked, startling him out of his trance.
Joe turned to see an old man with a little dog on a lead. He was probably in his eighties with white hair sticking out from under his flat cap. He wore a suit and leather shoes, his Sunday best.
“No, I’m not going to jump. Just have a lot on my mind, and this has always been a good place for me to come and think.”
“Aye, it makes you feel alive, the sea, but she’ll just as soon chew you up if you disrespect her. Don’t step too close; I wouldn’t want you to experience that now.” The old man chuckled. “I’m Jimmy, by the way.”
The man held his hand out to Joe, and he took it, surprised at the strength in his grip.
“I’m Joe. Pleased to meet you. Do you mind if I walk with you?”
“Pleased for the company, actually. Just me and Bertie now. Lost the wife about six months ago, so I suppose I know what you mean about this being a good place to think. We used to come up here all the time until she left me. Cancer, you know, a dreadful thing. She knew her time was up, made me promise to come here every Sunday until I couldn’t.”
Joe walked alongside him, hearing the sadness in his voice.
“We were married for sixty years. They were the best years of my life, but I ain’t gonna lie, son. We had our ups and downs, and my Betty, she put me through the wringer a couple of times. I wouldn’t have swapped her for anything, though. She was my world.” Jimmy looked wistfully out to the sea. “I loved my girl.”
Joe’s heart broke for Jimmy, and he was almost lost for words. He thought about how he felt about Seb and wondered whether he’d ever have this with him. Whether he’d ever love someone with all of his heart, so much that it was all he could think about.
“I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds like she was one hell of a woman.” Joe looked over at him. Jimmy’s eyes had misted over, but as he turned back to Joe, he blinked the tears away.
“She was, lad, she was. Tell me, what’s got you all upset? A young man like you shouldn’t carry the worries of the world on his shoulders.” Jimmy gestured to a cafe set back a bit away from the cliffs. “Fancy a drink? Even though it’s warm today, these old bones still feel the cold.”
Joe nodded. They walked over and stepped inside. It was a typical seaside cafe, impersonal tables and chairs with glass salt and pepper pots and a bottle of ketchup on each of them. A counter ran along the righthand side of it, and a young girl, no more than sixteen, was waiting to take their order.
“Afternoon, Jimmy. The usual?”
“Yes, please, Georgia, and whatever my friend wants. We’ll be sitting right over there.” Jimmy moved to a table in the window where they could still see the sea.
“I’ll just take a coffee, please,” Joe said, dropping money onto the counter.
“They’ll be right over. Just need to let his tea sit. He hates it when it’s weak.” Georgia laughed.
Joe joined Jimmy at the table, and Bertie lay at his feet, clearly content.
“So, want to tell me what’s up? Might help to talk to a stranger.” Jimmy had such kindness in his eyes, Joe felt it hard to resist. He was a little hesitant at first, unsure how he would react to a story about two men, but once he started, he felt he couldn’t stop.
He didn’t even notice when Georgia came over with their drinks and carried on, telling him about Clare, Seb, and the baby. How he felt about Seb, felt about Clare, and ultimately how he felt about maybe being a father.
Joe hadn’t allowed himself to think about the baby, too wrapped up in his pain at losing Seb, his anger at Clare, and the thought that he might be alone. He felt he was alive but barely breathing at the moment.
“Do you want the baby, son? You don’t strike me as the type of man that would turn his back on this.”
“I wouldn’t. As much as Clare has hurt me, I won’t abandon her or the baby. Not saying I’m rushing down the aisle with her. I don’t think I could do that now.” Joe paused for a moment, not sure how to word how he was feeling. “I don’t love her, Jimmy, but I won’t let the baby down.”
“What about this Seb you talked about? How do you think he feels about all this? Sounds like he was pretty upset.”
“He was, and I feel awful for not following him right away, for going back to Clare. If I had, maybe I wouldn’t have lost him.” Joe spun his now empty coffee cup in his hand. “I just hope I haven’t missed my chance with him. “
“Would you have gone through with the wedding even if you hadn’t met him? Sounds to me like you and this Clare were not getting on so well. And you think she was being unfaithful?” Jimmy’s questions were forcing Joe to think about things, maybe talking to a stranger was helping.
“I would have called the wedding off even if I hadn’t met Seb. It wasn’t working with Clare and me, and it just seems so glaringly obvious now that after almost five years together, we’d just grown apart. I’d rather take my chances on my own than be tied in a marriage neither of us wanted. I’m not convinced Clare wants to get married anymore. She’s not really been in touch since she left, and she’s seemed happier being away from me these past few months.”
“You need to do what makes you happy, Joe. Life really is too short to try to please everyone else. Do what your heart tells you to do. I think you owe it to yourself to see what Seb has to say. Explain to him that even if there is a baby that you still want him, but he needs to know that the baby is part of you, part of your life, and unfortunately that will mean that Clare’s always going to be there. If he can’t handle that, then perhaps he isn’t the man you thought he was. I’m not saying he won’t be, but you need someone that can cope with it all, the bad as well as the good.”
Joe was trying to take in everything Jimmy had said. He knew what he wanted, and that was Seb and the baby—if it was his. They’d both have to put up with Clare, and whilst he knew he would be able to deal with her once the shock had worn off for both of them, he hoped Seb would be able to as well. He wanted him in his life. Fuck it, when did everything become so complicated?
“Well, time for me to get going. I’m glad you could talk to me, and I hope it all turns out the way you want it to. I’m sure it will. True love is worth waiting for, and you deserve it, Joe. You seem like a good man. I just hope Seb and Clare realise that. Thanks for the tea, and maybe I’ll see you around again.”
Joe stood and offered his hand, but Jimmy pulled him into a hug.
“Good luck, son.” Jimmy patted him on the back, then walked away. “Come on, Bertie. Time to go home.”
Joe walked back to his car, deep in thought. He needed to make things right with Clare, and he supposed he should visit his parents. He’d told them over the phone that he’d called the wedding off and that he needed time to think.
That time had now passed, and he had to get his life back on track. Time to get back to work and time to figure out how to let Seb know that he was still serious, that he still wanted him.
Joe’s future and his heart were in Seb’s hands at this point. He just hoped he’d be gentle with them and not crush them beyond repair.
The following couple of weeks were filled with work, meals with his parents and his sister. He visited with Hazel and Dave and tried his best not to dwell on the man he loved. He knew he wasn’t back yet through the occasional text with Natalia, although she was reluctant to tell him even that much, let alone if she knew when he’d be back.
Everything for the wedding had been cancelled, and the relief Joe felt was immense, like a huge weight had been lifted. He hoped that when Seb returned, he’d see that he was serious about him and their relationship—only time would tell. He just needed him to come back, come home.