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Get a Life
We live in an era of globalization and the era of the woman. Never in the history of the world have women been more in control of their destiny.
—OSCAR DE LA RENTA
Something happens to a woman who gets into a relationship. She changes. A switch goes off, and suddenly, the relationship becomes everything. The interesting, independent life she had becomes a distant memory. Suddenly, she doesn’t do anything alone. She stops focusing on her own interests and makes her partner’s interests her own. She transforms from “independent woman” to “girlfriend.” Later, she might change again. She might become “wife.” When she becomes “Mommy,” the person she was might seem so far away that she doesn’t recognize herself anymore.
It happens gradually, this loss of ourselves, and it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it’s shockingly common, especially with girls in their twenties. I find that women in their thirties and forties who have been in a long-term relationship or who have been married and have kids tend to circle back and regain their fun identity once their relationships feel settled and secure. Younger girls, and also women who just got divorced and are panicking about being alone, are more susceptible to losing themselves. We’ve all seen it (even if we aren’t quite ready to totally admit we’ve done it). The girl who doesn’t know what her plans are until her boyfriend tells her what they are. The girl who won’t decide what she’s doing that weekend until she knows what he’s doing, who doesn’t know what she wants to eat or what she should wear or what she should listen to or believe until he sets the tone. Some people are just easily and quickly consumed by a romance. It can happen to the strongest and most successful people, and they themselves don’t even necessarily see it or understand what is happening to them. But this is what is happening: a loss of identity and self.
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DR. AMADOR SAYS . . .
I see a loss of identity in my clinical practice over and over. I’ve also written about this in my book Being Single in a Couples’ World. This loss of identity, the loss of the now smaller “me” to the larger “US” or “HIM,” will not only lead to resentment on your part but will also ultimately make you less attractive. Keep a sharp eye out for this and listen carefully when friends and family complain that they never hear from you anymore. Some immersion into the couples’ world is natural, but should not happen at the cost of your identity.
—XAVIER AMADOR, PH.D., PRESIDENT, LEAP INSTITUTE, WWW.LEAPINSTITUTE.ORG
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As much as I like to consider myself a strong, independent woman, this has totally happened to me, too. I remember once I had a fun trip to Florida planned with a group of girlfriends. We were all really excited, and then I met a guy. I told him about the trip and he made other plans, but then his plans got canceled. He would be home alone! Without me! I actually canceled on my friends and didn’t take the trip, just so I could hang around with him that weekend. We didn’t even have any plans. I’ve always regretted doing that. Clearly, I needed to get a life. Maybe it’s biological, but it’s real. Once you become a “girlfriend,” everything becomes conditional. You love to go out with your friends . . . if he’s busy doing something with his friends. Or you’ll do it . . . to get back at him because he went out without you. You’ll go to the gym . . . if he’s busy. You’re happy to meet your sister for coffee . . . if he’s busy. You’ll be there for family Thanksgiving . . . unless he wants to go to his family Thanksgiving. You might have great ideas and great plans . . . but you cancel them because you want to be with him. You stop noticing other men. Dates? Giving hot guys your phone number? Boy talk? You no longer know what that is. If you don’t have enough time together, or if you lose time together you could have had, you obsess about it. When you don’t get the attention and romance you fantasize about, you might even flirt with other guys to get back at him or elicit a reaction, or post fake Facebook statuses about the fascinating things you are doing just to make him jealous—when in reality you’re sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring, the text to pop up on your phone.
If this isn’t you at all, you can skip this chapter. However, infatuation can happen to anyone, at any age, and when it does, you won’t recognize yourself. So maybe don’t skip this chapter. And if you know, even a little bit, what I’m talking about, then read on, because you need to get a life.
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MAN-FORMATION
It is my personal opinion that men do not perceive time in the same way women do. Specifically, they don’t value relationship time the way we do. They think of us as always there, somehow, even when they are on a guys’ weekend or a bachelor party or playing golf. They don’t think about how many times they’ve seen you this week, or how many hours, or which hours, or why the way we do. They live in the moment. Having a girlfriend means having a girlfriend, whether she is physically present or not. For some women, if their boyfriend isn’t with them, it’s like he might never come back! A woman will think, Okay, so I’ve got this business trip. If I don’t see him tonight, I won’t see him for four whole days! I better cancel my girls’ night out tonight. A guy would never think that. He would never calculate the cost in time together of a guys’ night out before a business trip. Women tend to take this very personally because they assume men see time the way they do, and men tend to think women are crazy because who cares if it’s been four days, they’re ready to see you right now, so what’s the problem? It’s just one of those gender-bending differences that interfere with sane communication.
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Signs That You’ve Lost Yourself
I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve lost myself in a relationship. It’s so easy to do, and we slip into this mode so effortlessly, that you might not even realize it’s happened. Here are some signs:
• You hover over your phone, waiting for texts or phone calls.
• You aren’t seeing your friends. You don’t even think about them because you are obsessing about him.
• You don’t make plans with your friends or family until after you know whether you have plans with him.
• You stop doing things you used to enjoy because he doesn’t do them or because you might miss a call if you’re not home.
• You’re home a lot—even if he’s not.
• You want to be with him all the time, and when you aren’t together because of something he has to do, your feelings get hurt.
• You get irritated or angry when he wants to do something without you or if you are apart for a while.
• You want answers now about commitment and how he feels about you.
• You get a little bit paranoid, needy, jealous.
• You will delay an important call or interrupt work or family plans for this person.
• You are so preoccupied by the relationship that it interferes with getting your work done.
• You talk constantly about him to your friends.
• You think about him all the time, more than you think about anything else.
• You aren’t getting any alone time to recharge and stay in touch with yourself.
• You are feeling obsessive, extreme, or out of control.
• You feel like you are forcing it.
• You are terrified of losing him.
• It even crosses your mind to drive by his house when you can’t reach him.
• When you are together, you hang on his every word.
• The relationship has become your identity.
If you checked even one of these boxes, and especially if you checked more than three, then we have some work to do. If you know you are this person right now in your life, you need to take a deep breath and start being very deliberate about what you say and do. It’s time to get ahold of yourself. If you call or text and you don’t get an immediate answer, you need to stop yourself from doing it again and again. You need to remind yourself that maybe the other person has something else going on, or is on the phone, or is sleeping. Also remember that men process things differently from women. I know you feel insecure. You wonder why that person didn’t call you back, but your behavior is smothering. You have to control yourself. (See chapter 5.) Say what you need to say, but stay on high alert for your own personal crazy, because it’s just under the surface right now.
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DR. AMADOR SAYS . . .
If you have lost yourself, it is time to reclaim yourself. Women are socialized to put relationships first above almost everything else. This often results in morphing their identify into that of the man’s. This training starts when you are a toddler. There’s a lot of research on this but you don’t have to read it to know its wisdom. Just listen to yourself, friends, and relatives talk to little girls and boys and see what gets rewarded. Girls are praised for being sweet, kind, smart, and pretty (read: attractive for the purpose of attracting) while boys are rewarded for action and doing things well (“good throw!”). If you have drifted away from friends and family, it’s time to reconnect. Make a new schedule that includes people you saw and things you did before the relationship. Make room for your independent and separate self so you can become interdependent: Two people enjoying being a couple but also remaining individuals.
—XAVIER AMADOR, PH.D., PRESIDENT, LEAP INSTITUTE, WWW.LEAPINSTITUTE.ORG
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Men tend to try to live about the same as they did before the relationship, and this can really upset us. We want to say, “Look, I changed all these things and made you the main focus of my life. Why aren’t you doing that, too?” But why should anybody do that? You are both individuals with lives, and it’s time to get yours back. Make a coffee date with a friend. Organize your closet. Cook something. Go for a walk. Get lost in a book or a movie. Whatever it takes, you have to start distracting yourself so you don’t wreck the whole relationship with your obsessive behavior.
Once you detach and let go a little, you will begin to feel more secure in yourself. It’s like a cleanse—the first two days suck, but when you get to the third day, you feel clearer and easier and you realize you can do it. Getting your identity from a relationship will only make you feel insecure because you are handing your personal power over to someone else. When you get it back, when you allow yourself to reclaim your own life, your friends, and your interests, you will feel free.
Your relationship will get better, too. No matter how he acts or what he says, no matter how mopey he gets when you are busy, a man wants a woman to have a life beyond him and the relationship. He might not even consciously recognize it, but it’s true. Men respect independent women with their own personalities, opinions, and interests. Otherwise, they will begin to feel suffocated. They will lose respect for you, and eventually, they will break up with you. If you want your relationship to work, you need to get a life. Even more importantly, if you want to be personally happy, get a life. If you want to keep your options open until you have a commitment (and you should), get a life. And if you want to respect yourself, get a life.
A new relationship, especially a really passionate one, really can sweep you off your feet, and that’s fun and exciting. It’s not necessarily bad that this happens. For many of us, it’s inevitable. You’re in love! (Or extreme like. Or lust. Or whatever it is that hijacks your brain.) Enjoy it. It’s part of what makes life fun. I would never deny you that human pleasure. At some point, however, you have to get back on your feet. You can’t live like that any more than you can survive on candy.
But getting back to yourself can be difficult. Especially in a new relationship, it can take a little time to get reacquainted with yourself and regain your identity, interests, and balance. You also tend to forget your own worth. You don’t remember how cute you are anymore. You don’t know if guys even like you or think you are pretty. If you feel a pull in that obsessive direction, it’s time to get dressed and go do something without him. Get back to who you are. It’s hard if you are a homebody who hoped to get a boyfriend so you’d never have to go out again, but this isn’t good for you because you will lose yourself if you don’t interact with other people besides your new love interest.
Once you start giving up things you want to do because someone else doesn’t want to do them, you are headed into dangerous territory—identity-losing territory, resentment territory, doormat territory. You don’t have to be extreme about it, and you haven’t ruined everything if you’ve done this already. You can repair the situation. Trickle your life back into your existence. Don’t do it spitefully. Do it for yourself. The first step is recognizing that you need it, then the second step is to white-knuckle it a little bit. Hold on and don’t blow up at him or yourself for losing touch with your life BR (before relationship). Do something on your own or just for yourself at least once a week. If something fun comes up, like a concert or a show you want to see, and your partner isn’t interested, go anyway, with someone else. It doesn’t have to be intense. Go to the mall. A cooking class. A movie.
Don’t be that girl who thinks (or says), Never mind, I don’t need to go because you don’t want to or I won’t go without you. Don’t blame him or say things like, “I canceled this for you!” Nobody asked you to do that. This is all on you. Only you can make yourself happy. If you have simply made the mistake of thinking that was somebody else’s job, now you know the truth. Now you can get down to the business of taking care of yourself.
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JUST THE TIP
There are definite advantages to going out on your own. You will be more likely to meet interesting people. It can be a relief to go out when you aren’t trying to hook up with someone, too. You can actually enjoy the event and the company of friends. You’ll feel like the focus is on you, not on you as part of a couple, and that can build your self-esteem. It will also help keep your partner on his toes. If he knows you have a life and he doesn’t have control over everything you do, he will have to be a better partner to you or you might meet somebody better. He’ll have to jump in and make a move if he wants to get on your calendar. This is the position you want to be in. It’s good for both of you and it keeps the relationship alive, active, and exciting. It also puts you both back on equal footing, which is where you should be.
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Get a Relationship . . . with Yourself
The next thing you need to do if you have slipped into “get a life” territory is to get reacquainted with yourself. Men need alone time, and maybe you don’t think you do, but you might be surprised at how good it can feel to just be with yourself for a while. Women love to be social and many women are afraid to spend too much time alone, but sometimes you need to spend some time with that girl in the mirror, just relaxing and contemplating the big questions: Who are you? Where are you going in your life? Who do you want to become, as you evolve, beyond your relationships to other people?
You can’t fully become who you are without spending some time alone every now and then. You might not need much of it—alone time is exhausting, if fruitful, for extroverts—but you should be getting at least some. If you never take the time to really think about these questions, without anybody else’s input, you will remain undeveloped. You don’t have to sit at home if that drives you crazy. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. Get in your car and take a drive. Maybe you’re the type of person who would love to spend the whole day at the library by herself, browsing the stacks and finding new things to read. Or maybe a massage or a spa day is more your speed. You could curl up in bed and have a nice nap, then a movie marathon. Do some yoga, shop online, even masturbate. Make yourself happy, and it takes a lot of pressure off the relationship.
Socializing beyond your relationships is also extremely important. This gives your partner space, which everyone needs, but it also gives you space to pursue your own interests and social relationships. Maybe you blew off all your friends for the first few months of a new relationship. Is it time to reclaim them? So let your guy go out golfing all day. You’ve got a spa appointment with your best friend, or coffee, or shopping, or an outdoor concert, or a game of tennis. Maybe you’ve got a yoga retreat and your partner is going to have to figure out what to do with his time.
This is all about getting back in touch with your personality and getting your mojo back. This is about reminding yourself that you are in control of your own happiness. This isn’t about acting busy. It’s about being busy. It isn’t about acting independent. It’s about being independent. Anybody can be busy. Even if you don’t have a full-time job, there are always things to do, at home and out in the world. Organize old pictures. Clean the garage. Start an exercise program or a book club.
Nobody wants to be anybody’s everything. How often do you really need to hear from a person for him to prove he likes you? Maybe not as often as you think. You’re busy. Be busy. And don’t be annoyed that he’s busy, too. Even when you are truly madly deeply, take a few days apart to miss someone and get refocused every so often. You don’t have to be together all the time. You shouldn’t be together all the time.
If you’re married or in a long-term relationship and you’ve gotten into a funk and you never do anything but you always do it together, then you can shake it up, too. You can get a man on his toes again. Go do something interesting, and if he doesn’t want to do it, go do it yourself. He will take notice. That doesn’t mean you should stop being sweet or letting him know you need him and love him, but a woman who has her own interests and makes her own plans and changes and grows is more attractive than a woman who becomes an appendage to a man. You don’t have to grandstand about it, though, or brag about what you are doing so he’ll pay attention. Be light and breezy about it. “I thought I’d go try trapeze classes.” “I’m taking up windsurfing.” “I’m planning a girls’ weekend to Florida. I’ll miss you!” After you get back, throw on some lingerie. That should wake things right up.
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JUST THE TIP
We’ve all heard stories about those couples who do everything together all the time, and we’ve also heard stories of couples who are away from each other for weeks at a time, or even live on separate coasts. These stories are interesting, but they are not the norm. Most of us wouldn’t thrive that way and most couples who have too much or too little proximity eventually don’t work out. This isn’t always true, but it often is. These are the exceptions, not the rules. The best relationships are usually a balance between these two extremes.
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Needy Is as Needy Does
The hardest part of reclaiming your individuality in a relationship is that feeling of neediness we all get. I think it comes from a biological impulse to be with another human. We fear that it’s not going to happen, that it won’t last, that we need it, and neediness is the overreaction we tend to have. Even the most strong, independent, self-sufficient women can get needy. It happens to everyone.
Maybe you have a good reason—all the same things that make us feel insecure or temporarily crazy can make us feel needy in a relationship. You were fired from your job, so you get needier in the relationship because your self-esteem is damaged. You just had a baby and you feel fat and your husband is still hot. You’re older or much younger than your partner. You feel like your partner values his family or friends more than you. Maybe you’re feeling needy because you’re going through a divorce and just starting to date, and the stress compels you to try to get a premature commitment from someone else. Maybe you just have PMS.
There are many different reasons why you might feel needier during certain times in your life, and that’s normal. If this is you and you trust your partner, then cop to it. Especially when you are in a long-term relationship/married, you should be able to say to your partner, “Hey, I’m feeling a little insecure right now. I know it’s not rational, but it is what it is.” See if he can deal with you. Because I guarantee that at some point, your partner will be feeling insecure, too. If you can both help each other through the needy times, then your relationship will be stronger. Occasional neediness isn’t a crime, and you can ask for understanding without being demanding or whiny.
It’s the chronic neediness that erodes your connection—the kind where you are always the needy one and your partner is always running away from the neediness. Just like jealousy, neediness is okay in small doses but destructive when it’s going on all the time. They have a word for relationships where one person constantly bends to please or accommodate the other person all the time, and the other person allows and even encourages it. It’s “codependent.” Don’t be that girl. The danger is that you could become a doormat by letting your partner take advantage of your neediness, or lose all your self-esteem because your partner doesn’t know how to give you what you want (or just won’t). Chronic neediness is a relationship killer. It’s like a chronic disease—it’s always in the background and it’s really hard to cure.
If you’ve gone too far in the direction of chronic neediness, you can repair the situation. Change something you are doing now so you can break out of the cycle and get your life and your personality back. Needy is as needy does, meaning that if you act needy, you are needy. If you stop acting needy, then you will stop being needy.
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Here’s a very important thing I have learned: You have to really intellectually understand that winning and getting what you want is never as important as knowing the truth of the situation. Ultimately, needs and wants based on something untrue will never be met. Maybe something feels true in the moment, but you know it isn’t actually true. You will not die without that other person. You might be very sad for a while, but you won’t die. You don’t need that person, and you have to recognize this and act on it. If it’s hard, then fake it until you make it, but you definitely have to make it.
If a relationship really is right and it works, then it’s right and it works. If it’s not right and you’re trying to force it and you’re terrified that you might lose it, you have to face the truth that it’s not right and it’s okay to lose it. Sometimes I ask myself whether love is really enough. I don’t think it is. How do you face the fact that you are in love with somebody and it still might not work out? Should love be enough when you aren’t compatible or going in the same direction as someone else? And on the other side, is compatibility enough without passion? Should you be with somebody you can live well and easily with but whom you don’t love? How far do you take this? Is the relationship worth fixing?
I think you take it back to the truth. You might want it desperately, but maybe the person you are in a relationship with right now isn’t the right one because the truth is also that the two of you can’t make it work. Neither of you can sustain a life trying to be anything other than who you really are. If you are a person who always feels longing, who is basically needier than average, then you may not do well with somebody who is superconfident or very independent, even if you have gotten very good at pretending it doesn’t bother you. You may need somebody who can be needy with you. If you are independent and can’t stand clinginess, you might have to let go of that needy person, even if you love him, just because you can’t keep pretending to be needier than you really are. If your relationship constantly gives you a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, that may be a sign to move on from it. But you can also ask for what you want in a nondesperate way, and you just might get it. Then again, you might not. If you can’t sort it out, that’s what therapy is for. I just want you to know that whether your relationship lasts or not, it is also true that you will be okay. You have to know that, and when you realize this for yourself, your lack of need will radiate as confidence, independence, a woman who has a life. And that’s the sexist thing of all. It just might save your relationship in the end.
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Here’s an example of one way to head off the needy impulse. Let’s say you just had an especially great night of romance. It was all perfect—the perfume and the lingerie, the candles and the music, and he was so romantic! It was amazing and the earth moved. Great. Lucky you. Now, what do you do the next morning? Do you cling? Do you want to cuddle for hours? Do you want him to skip work and do it all again? Do you want to talk about the future? Even if the earth moved for him too, this kind of behavior from you is a guy’s worst nightmare. Instead, if it’s early in the relationship, get out in the morning. Don’t hang around all day waiting for more. Get on with your life and let him be the one to come after you for more. If you’ve been together for a while and you hang out in the morning, that’s great too, but let it be mutual and breezy and pleasant, not clingy and full of grasping. Remember, men need to be the pursuers. When you pursue, cling, and try to force commitment issues, he’ll run in the other direction.
You might feel it, but if you don’t act on those feelings, after a while, they will go away. Distract yourself. When you are feeling needy or you feel bad about your relationship, you feel gross and you might even look gross. I’ve been in that place—I post pictures on Twitter of myself in sweatpants with curlers in my hair. You have to get it together. Stop wallowing and go get a facial. Get your hair blown out. Put on something nice and get out in public.
Most importantly, maintain radio silence if you’re going to be a mope or a whiner and you know it. Or maybe you don’t know it. As soon as you hear that tone in your voice, end the conversation and go do something else. You could say something like, “Hey, I don’t have much to add to the conversation right now, I’m in a bad mood. I’ll be fine, I’m just cranky. Get back to me later.” Don’t cave in to the temptation to send fake-casual texts that solicit a response because you are desperate to hear from him: “Just thinking about you, are you okay?” When you need your mojo back, remember this rule: You have no fingers. You cannot dial your phone. You cannot text. You are incapable. And your car is incapable of going in the direction of his home or workplace. A friend of mine likes to say, “How can you miss them if they never go away?” Go away and let yourself be missed a little bit. Depending on where you are in your relationship, that radio silence might be a few days (early in the relationship) or just a few hours you can take to calm down and get centered (if the relationship is advanced).
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GIRL TALK
One of the most important things not to do when you are feeling needy, insecure, and obsessive is to have a relationship conversation. If you detect the seeds of an argument (even if your partner starts it), don’t engage. Don’t be a moper or a whiner, either. Intervene in your own behavior. Don’t escalate things that don’t need to be escalated, even if you are feeling like you need to prove your point. When you are feeling needy (or PMS-y), definitely don’t say things like, “So, when are we getting engaged?” or “Shouldn’t we be moving in together by now?” Those might be totally legitimate questions to discuss when you are both in a calm, neutral place, but trying to discuss them when you are emotionally charged is a huge mistake. When you get emotionally charged, he probably won’t be able to hear what you are saying.
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Women are thinkers and often overthinking gets us into trouble. We convince ourselves we need to act on something that actually just requires a little more time to cook in our heads. Or we create whole scenarios based on a long, intricate, convoluted thought process, but we forget that the other person wasn’t there inside our heads and has no idea what we are talking about.
The Needy Wife
This all changes a bit when you are married, but married people can definitely still deal with neediness, especially when it becomes a marital pattern. You cling, he withdraws, you cling harder, he withdraws more. This is a frustrating cycle, and you can’t just leave or be mysteriously unavailable or not answer texts if you’re married. You live together and you have joint responsibilities. However, you can still shake it up. Don’t be a sack all day. Get up and go do something. You’ve gotten your night of romance. Now get back to your life. Get back to work, whatever that is for you. Get back to you. Put it in perspective—it was great, but so are all the other things you get to do with your day. You’re a hot passionate wife—and also so much more. Do something that has nothing to do with your husband or kids. Do what needs to be done. You don’t have to neglect your family, but focus on getting your confidence back for a while. Do something you enjoy, something outside of the house. It’s amazing how much better you’ll feel.
Sometimes you have to be okay with not talking because men (and some women) need to retreat, and you can benefit from it, too. When you are really having a problem and you know the neediness and fighting have to flush out, step back and let it be for a while without any intervention. I know this is impossible. No, not impossible, but hard. We panic. We don’t understand how he can go out and play golf after a fight and not want to talk about every aspect of a disagreement, but men are different beings. You have to give them a break. Let them work things out in their own way. Let it breathe. You can’t always impose a discussion just because you feel like having it at that moment.
I know this is harder than I’m making it sound. There is always that fear that if you don’t cling, if you don’t put your plans on hold, he might disappear. You might think that the person who loved you yesterday won’t love you today if you take a break from each other. There is always that feeling that the romance was so good that you are addicted and you don’t want to miss the chance to get more. What if you act like that mind-blowing night was no big deal? Will he think you’re not really interested and move on to someone else?
Of course not. There is nothing more intriguing and addictive to a guy than a girl who breezes out after a great night, like it was no big deal. He won’t understand why you aren’t following him around, and his next move will be to follow you around to figure you out. Men love a good mystery and a woman who isn’t too easy to manipulate or understand. Men also need space, and if you give it to them, they will be even more head over heels about you.
And if he does blow you off, what you need to understand is that you don’t want him. You are the fisher, not the fish, and if he’s not a good catch because he doesn’t value you enough, then you need to throw him back. If he’s really interested in cultivating something with you, he will be more interested, not less interested, when you get up, get out, and get busy with your interesting life.
Get the neediness under control, get yourself back, and then you can look around and see who’s still interested—in the woman you really are, not the needy, clingy woman you temporarily became.
Look, you are an interesting and complex and independent woman. You don’t actually need a relationship. You want a relationship, and those are two totally different things. Now, here’s the important part: If you act like you need it, like you can’t live without it, then you will be much less likely to get what you want. Scared money never wins. If you really want it, you must act like you don’t need it. It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s true, and it works. Fake it till you make it. Act like you don’t need what you want, and you’ll get what you want.
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JUST THE TIP
I have a philosophy about relationships: Even the ones that probably won’t last are worth working on because it is about you. Even in the wrong relationship that you are staying in for whatever personal reason, you can workshop it. A challenging relationship is an opportunity to work on yourself so that down the line, in the next relationship, you won’t keep having this same issue. When a relationship feels uncomfortable, make it about you. Dive in and really figure out what’s happening. Get to the bottom of the insecurity, the jealousy, the boredom, the disrespect. Try to work through it because you will be better for it later, with or without that relationship in your life.
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Find Your Passion (Apart from Your Relationship)
Going out with your friends more is great, but it’s also important to feel like you have a purpose apart from your relationship. If you live for your husband and children, for example, you might be just fine, or you might eventually start to wonder what your purpose is and even get depressed. This is very common with wives of rich men who don’t have to work and end up not doing very much, or with anyone who doesn’t have to have a career or a purpose and isn’t particularly driven toward any one direction. They lose themselves because they don’t go out and seek something just for themselves that drives them and that they feel passionate about. Why do you think all those 1950s housewives were on Valium? They were expected to be fulfilled by housework and parenting, but it’s the twenty-first century now. We have options.
However, some women still feel like it’s selfish to do things for themselves. This is not true at all. Having a purpose and something you love to do, whether it’s a job or a hobby or a volunteer situation, makes you a happier and more interesting person. Everybody always talks about how men need to have a career to be fulfilled. I don’t believe anybody can be truly happy if they don’t have something for themselves. It’s not a gender issue. Everybody needs to have a sense of self-worth and accomplishment, not just men. Whatever that thing is doesn’t matter. It could be your career, but it doesn’t have to be. Even if it’s going to the gym or running or doing yoga or learning Italian or training for a marathon or painting or volunteering or doing some kind of charity work or blogging or travel or your book club, if you are passionate about it, it will feed your soul. Only then will you be able to stop demanding (out loud or just in your head) an unreasonable amount of time, attention, and validation from your partner. (Just to be clear: You absolutely should get time, attention, and validation from your partner, but it can’t be his whole reason for living. He has to have a life, too.)
The secret is to be passionate about something. Find it, and go and do that thing. If you don’t know what it is at first, experiment. Try lots of things and see what sparks your interest. Get more invested in your career, or take up a hobby, or do something social. If your guy is maintaining his guy connections and you’re sitting at home all the time waiting for him to get back from his guys’ night out, ask yourself why you aren’t doing something with your life. You are not a product of someone else’s love. Being a doormat with no personality (or a suppressed personality) is one of the least attractive qualities a person can have. You are your own person, so think back and remember who that is, and get out and be that person. You will have a much better life, whether you are in a relationship or not.
Getting a Life: Special Circumstances
There are a few situations where getting a life can be particularly difficult and especially necessary. If you are an empty nester or your kids are teenagers and they have their own lives and don’t need you that much anymore, you can start to feel really depressed or just lost. A lot of moms make their children their purpose in life, even unintentionally, and when that purpose is winding down, it can be confusing. This is a very important time to take up something new. Maybe this is when you finally plan that trip to Europe, or write that novel, or start that business, or take up some kind of art or craft. Maybe it’s time to remodel the house or finally volunteer at the animal shelter or the food bank, or maybe it’s just time to reassess and experiment. Take some classes and figure out what your next great passion can be, but find one, because even though your kids will always need you to some extent, you have a lot more life to live. Don’t waste it on feeling lonely and worthless. That’s not you.
Another situation where it’s really hard to get out and be someone confident and strong is after a breakup or divorce. Even in the friendliest of breakups, there are bruised egos and hurt feelings. When it’s nasty, it can really take a toll on your confidence and self-esteem. I know this firsthand. I’m still recovering from my divorce, and I may not ever be quite the same. It’s a brutal experience and it injures you, even if you were the one who wanted it.
Recognize after a breakup that you do need a period of mourning, just like you would if a friend or family member passed away. Your relationship or your marriage has passed away, and that takes some time to get over. Be patient with yourself and focus more at first on self-care. That doesn’t mean you don’t go out and booze it up a little with your friends, but be mindful that booze, sugar, caffeine, red meat, and lack of sleep will all make you more emotional. Nothing will make you feel more focused than exercise, a good night’s sleep, and a break from the highs and lows of sugar and alcohol.
Also work on being calm and tolerant of your own mood swings and bad feelings. The only way for them to pass is to experience them. If you stuff all the feelings down inside, they’ll only come out later, bigger, and nastier, so go through it. Dr. Amador says, “Don’t let negativity rent space between your ears.” Things only matter when you let them matter. You are broken-hearted, but that doesn’t mean you have to get mired in it. Enlist friends to help you if you need them (and you probably do, even if you don’t think you do), but also spend time by yourself just processing, thinking about what went wrong. You’re a different person now, and you need time to acknowledge this. Just know that everything is as it should be right now in this moment. Even if you have screwed things up, just know it was supposed to happen, and don’t relive the past and torture yourself about what should have happened. But do learn from your mistakes. Look at what actually happened so you can avoid making the same mistakes next time. You should understand why your relationship ended and then you can start there and move forward. For more on breakups, see chapter 7.
It feels really good to get back to yourself after you’ve been swept away by a relationship, and when you do, you’ll love what happens next: Your relationship can get deeper, more interesting, more intimate, and more meaningful. When two people who know themselves and know each other choose to go in the same direction together on equal footing, that’s the stuff long-term relationships are made of. Nobody else can save you. Only you can save you. Only when you save yourself can you find contentment in your relationship.