19. FISH VIDEO

There’s video footage of my first attempt at friendship.

Due to the way books work, I cannot show it to you. But, for the purposes of foreshadowing, I’m going to describe the video.

I’m two. The friend I’m trying to make is a sardine.

It’s dead, so right from the beginning, things aren’t going well.

I’m really doing my absolute best to get the conversation started, though.

I don’t know about death yet, but I can sense my friend isn’t doing as great as his max potential probably. He needs my help. The determination sets in across my face. By god, I am going to help this fish, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.

Plan A: blow on the fish.

Plan B: blow as hard as you can on the fish—a tremendous air current will surely invigorate him!

Still not working. Okay, moving on to Plan C: motivate the fish by yelling encouragement directly onto his body.

Minutes later, he still isn’t okay. I, however, do not appear to be discouraged by this at all. This fish is my friend, and I am prepared to do everything I know. For instance: setting him on the ground with ceremonial precision and then backing away with my arms raised.

And if that doesn’t work, there’s always singing…

Most people wouldn’t know where to go after singing, but I do:

Vigorous massage.

This is a home video from the ’80s. Compared to the resolutions available in modern times, the quality is like standing behind a wall and guessing what’s on the other side. And I’m mangling the poor fish so badly that even at this ridiculous resolution, you can see pieces of its body rubbing off on my mittens.

Fast-forward five minutes. For some reason, my grandma is still filming. We are well past the turning point between cute and sad. The other people on the beach are becoming uncomfortable. Sensing this, my mom makes an attempt to end the situation.

Suddenly we zoom out. It’s the future. I’m a deeply depressed adult watching this video alone in the dark at my parents’ house after my sister’s funeral. I found it in a box in the garage and thought, Hey, I bet I know what would cheer me up! Watching videos from before I knew how horrifying everything is!

And then here comes this battering ram of existential tragedy…

… unintentionally raising every point it’s possible to raise about futility and really just hammering it until there’s nothing left.

And I think I just found it devastatingly relatable.