Somebody put me to bed, and in the middle of the day! When I awoke from my nap, I was surrounded by loved, and not-so-loved, ones. I wanted to puke. “Yoder, you are a disgrace.”
I stared up at the moving mandibles of my brother-in- law Melvin. Fortunately for me, praying mantises don’t eat ailing innkeepers. Or do they?
“Give me a little space, dear. I don’t feel so hot.”
Freni touched my forehead quickly with a pudgy little hand. “Yah, she feels cold to me.”
“I’m not cold,” I wailed, “I’m about to throw up.”
“Way to go, sis!” Susannah said. Her eyes were shining with pride.
Melvin rudely pushed his wife aside. “Yoder, what the hell am I going to do now?”
“You’ll stop swearing in my inn,” I said. I tried to sit, but was hit by a wave of nausea, which mercifully subsided somewhat when my head reconnected with the pillow. Still, it was touch-and-go. I felt like I could blow anytime.
“You still don’t get it, Yoder, do you? You have really screwed up big time on this one. It’s bad enough that you shamed your family, but what you did just might be illegal. I have Zelda checking on that now.”
“Drinking orange juice is not against the law.”
“But drinking alcohol while on duty might be.”
I started to roll my eyes, but even that made me dizzy. “You’re crazy, Melvin. I’ve never had a drink in my entire life—okay, so there was that one time I tasted beer in college. But I didn’t swallow!”
“Oh yeah? According to the Hamptons you drank almost half a pitcher of mimosas.”
“So what’s your problem?”
“Mimosas contain champagne!” Susannah chortled with glee. “Oh, Mags, I’m so proud of you. Your first drunk! Of course, it’s a little late for you—I was fifteen when I first blacked out—but better late than never, right? Maybe next time we’ll tie one on together.”
“Ach!” Freni clapped her hands tightly over her ears. As our surrogate mother, she is genuinely concerned about our welfare and strives to keep herself informed, but because she is only our surrogate mother, and unofficially at that, she reserves the right to time out whenever she is confronted with more information than she wants to know.
I struggled to a sitting position. I was now too shocked to be sick. Besides, if I did blow, I’d make sure to aim at Melvin.
“Champagne? There was alcoholic champagne in with the mimosa juice?”
Susannah twittered. “Don’t be silly, Mags. Champagne and orange juice is mimosa. But they don’t usually make people drunk. I guess it’s because you never had anything to drink before. Next time try the orange juice with vodka. They call that a screwdriver. Half a pitcher of those and you’ll really be sailing.”
“But I’m innocent!” I wailed.
“Like a weasel in a hen house,” Melvin growled. “Now the Hamptons know you suspect them in Lizzie’s death.”
“But I don’t. I just wanted to sound them out. After all, they’re from the city, and everyone knows that’s where drugs come from. Besides, talking to them was Freni’s idea.”
“Ach!” Freni squawked. Covering her ears was just an excuse for selective hearing. She removed her right hand from that ear. “Did you talk to them about you- know-what, Magdalena?”
“I didn’t get a chance, dear.” There was nothing to be served by telling her I plum forgot.
“What did Freni mean by you-know-what?” Susannah asked. She knew from experience that there was no point in asking the woman directly.
It was a reasonable question under the circumstances, but the answer would have needlessly embarrassed Freni. A small detour from the truth was in order. “Freni has extra eggs to sell. You want to buy some?”
“Nah. The ones I get from the grocery store have the chicken poop already washed off them.”
“Well,” I said, “it has been nice of everyone to be so concerned about my welfare. But now”—I yawned—”if you’ll excuse me, the sandman is calling.”
Freni dropped her left hand as well. “Ach, in the middle of the day? You have already missed lunch, Magdalena.”
“I always sleep after a bender,” Susannah said sagely. “It restores damaged brain cells.”
“I wasn’t on a bender! I was doing police work for your husband. Remind me next time to just let him flounder on his own.”
The mantis loomed menacingly over me. “I wasn’t floundering, Yoder. And if it’s the big-city connection you’re after, why didn’t you talk to your boyfriend? Rich doctor like him packing it in to take up life in the country—sounds mighty suspicious to me.”
That hiked my hackles. That made me so mad I was no longer nauseated. That in turn made me even madder, since now I couldn’t hurl on my tormentor.
“Aaron—I mean Gabriel—is not a drug dealer!”
“Yeah? From what I hear, doctors get hooked on drugs all the time. From using to dealing, that’s just a matter of time.”
“That may be, but it has nothing to do with Gabe.”
“Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn’t. Maybe you’re covering for him.”
“Get out!” I ordered.
No one moved.
“Out!” I shrieked.
Big Freni scowled, Little Freni yowled, and Shnookums, Susannah’s dinky dog, howled, but no one budged.
“Hey, Yoder, take it easy. I was just yanking your chain.”
“Well, you’ve yanked it too far this time. If I was feeling any better—and if I wasn’t a pacifist—I’d wrap that chain around your scrawny neck.”
“Sweetie Pie,” Susannah said meekly to her spouse, “maybe you should apologize to sis.”
“In a pig’s ear.”
“But Sugar Lump, if you don’t apologize to Mags, she might drop out of this case, and then you won’t have time to work on your campaign.”
“Forget it, Susannah,” I said. “Too much damage has been done. You’re right, I’m off the case. In fact, not only am I off the case, but I have just decided to devote all my spare time to running against Melvin in the election.”
Susannah wears too much makeup to ever visibly pale, but Melvin turned baking soda white. For the first time that morning both eyes focused on me.
“You’re kidding, Yoder, right?”
“I never kid when I’m drunk. Face it, Mel, you don’t stand a chance now. I’ve got plenty of money for a campaign, everyone knows who I am, and unlike you, I’ve never had to arrest somebody’s son, or brother, or cousin. You get the picture. Besides, it’s the year of the woman.”
Melvin’s enormous noggin teetered on his knotty neck as one eye focused on Freni, the other on Susannah. “She’s just kidding, right?”
Freni shook her head. “That Magdalena is a stubborn one. She would do this thing just to spike you.”
Susannah nodded. “That’s ‘spite,’ Freni, but Stud Muffins”—my sister put a long slender hand on her husband’s shoulder—”I’m afraid she’s right. And if she does run, Mags could win the election.”
Both oversized orbs attempted contact with me, but only one eye made it. Melvin’s left eye focused on my ceiling, which quite frankly was in need of a good dusting. “Okay, so I apologize. Is that good enough for you?”
“Not hardly.”
“Well, what the”—he caught himself just in time— ’’what is it you want, Yoder?”
“Say ‘I’m sorry.’ ”
“I’m sorry.”
“Now say it with feeling.”
“I’m sorry!”
“And you’ll have my car towed from the Keims’ farm and replace the three ruined tires?”
“Don’t you have insurance?”
“Sure, but I don’t want my premium to rise.”
“Do it,” Susannah urged. “Please, Snickerdoodle.”
“My sister wants to be the First Lady someday,” I said. “Don’t you want to see your carapace in the Oval Office?”
“Okay, damn it, I’ll do it.”
“Don’t swear,” I said sternly, and then dismissed the motley crew again.
This time they couldn’t wait to leave.