Chapter 10

 

NAN.

I stared out the window as dawn bathed the tips of the trees with a golden glow. The waterwheel ground and rumbled on, reminding me of her. When I needed her. When I needed help. She was there. Sometimes she would swoosh on in just to bicker with me. She’d always been my stability; my home and the cabin hummed with her presence. It had always meant more to me than the house I grew up in. I’d felt safe here. I’d felt like a person around her. Even when I’d been released, when no one wanted to look at me, here I could pretend she’d walk on in and rock away in her favorite chair. Without her around, it just hurt. It hurt so much my stomach ached.

“Shorty, you ponderin’ your navel again?”

The breeze tickled my arms and I smiled. I couldn’t help it. Even her voice made me feel calmer. I glanced back at Renee who was curled up on the edge of the bed under the covers. Her quiet breathing punctuated the stillness and didn’t change rhythm. Sound asleep.

“I can’t meditate. I been tryin’ but my thoughts keep whirring.”

Nan flitted on over to my side. “Maybe that’s ’cause there’s things you been tryin’ to ignore?” Her energy bounced like she’d given a curt nod. “When you bottle it up, it’s like shaking a soda can. One day somebody is gonna open it . . .”

I kept my eyes on the tips of the trees. The sun glimmered through the fluttering leaves, making them look like they were dancing. “I need to get this right. I can’t let all this . . . stuff weigh on me. Frei needs me.”

Nan swooshed over to my other side. “True, Icy ain’t exactly on vacation but you know better than to think she’s alone.”

I stared down at the Bible in my hands. My reading for today. “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

“Sure thing, an’ he ain’t gonna go letting you down.” Nan touched my arm. The cold made my hairs prickle. “Trust that an’ Him an’ you’ll do just fine.”

I bit my lip. “I do. It’s more me messing up that I’m worried about.” As I stared out at the sun dancing over the splish splashing water, it felt dumb to feel that way. “I don’t want to put Renee, Dad, Mom, anybody in danger.”

“Did you just say—?”

I held up my hand to stop myself feeling dumber than I already did. Yeah, so I’d called Lilia mom. “Focus, please.”

Nan prodded me and I yelped. Renee murmured in her sleep. “Quit the lip. You ain’t too big for chores.” Her voice held too much amusement to chastise me. “You got your gifts, she got hers. You ain’t no expert sure, but all you can do is your best.”

“Yeah but—”

Nan poked me again. “No buts, you hear. Nobody’s perfect. Your heart will lead you right.”

I hoped so. I wasn’t sure if my heart knew left from right the way it was laboring. I placed the Bible safely in my bag.

“Helps if you listen to what that ticker is telling you.”

Renee murmured in her sleep again and I tucked the covers up around her. “So I should stay on the reading until it makes sense maybe?”

Nan sat on the bed beside Renee, making the covers crease up. “Can of soda, Shorty.”

“I think I should stay on it. It feels like I should.” I turned away, wishing she’d quit pushing.

Nan breezed right through me. I shivered, yelped, and crunched my teeth together. “What you do that for?”

“’Cause you’re as stubborn as your mother.” She breezed through me again.

“Quit it, will you, you’re icing up my ribcage.”

Nan just chuckled as I wriggled around trying not to shiver too loudly and wake everybody up. “Follow your heart. An’ don’t go eatin’ too many crab cakes. You’ll be bigger than Blackbear.”

“Not the way Renee will be driving us. When she’s focused on somethin’, it gets done.” I smiled down at Renee. She looked peaceful, younger somehow.

Nan laughed. “Soda.”

“Are you just tryin’ to make me thirsty or somethin’?” I licked my dry lips. Great. I was thirsty. “I’m gonna wake everybody up now.”

“You know that you ain’t the only one not sleeping.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I shoved my hands in my pockets. “I just hope he ain’t still in his boxer shorts.”

Nan’s laughter didn’t follow me out onto the landing so I turned back to the room. “No freaking her out. She needs to sleep.”

I saw the rocker move in the corner.

“I mean it. She got to concentrate. I can’t drive a car.” Renee would be grouchy too if she didn’t get her sleep and I really didn’t want to be stuck with her in that mood.

“Quit stalling, Shorty.” A gust moved the door which closed in my face. “Soda.”

“Pop,” I muttered back at the door then trudged down the stairs. “It’s pop not soda.” I tried and failed to sneak across the landing, making it groan with every step. “An’ I ain’t intending on shakin’ any can.”