Rowan had been away for nearly a week. Between work, and life, and wedding venues, the trip had crept up on us both without warning. But it was the first time I’d seen him excited about work in as long as I could remember, so I’d practically pushed him out the door to encourage him. Anything to bolster the excitement, I thought. Still, it was the longest we’d been away from each other in years.
‘Are you pining for him like a dog with a dead owner?’ Betty asked, her voice heavy with judgement. There must have been an accompanying eye roll, too, so I was grateful it wasn’t a face-to-face interrogation.
‘Betty …’
‘I know, I’m wasted in retail. But are you?’
No, I thought, although I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of admitting to it. ‘Of course I’m missing him.’ But the regular dances around the kitchen, and the eating at whatever time I wanted, and the being able to go home straight from work, rather than home via Rowan’s, well, they’d only been a few of the silver linings. ‘I’ll be glad when he’s back in the same city as me. It’s weird being so far apart.’
‘Need company for the night?’ Also no, I thought again, and Betty read the silence. ‘Say no more. Early dinner, bubble bath, Netflix binge?’
‘Hard yes.’
‘Treat yourself, sweets. PS: Did we say something about dinner? I told Faith I’d ask.’
‘Oh, I’ve sorted that. I’ll text you.’ I laughed. ‘All of you.’
We disconnected the call and I flopped back onto the sofa, my legs hooked over the armrest. It was and always had been one of my favourite things about my friendship with Betty, that I could say anything to her – including, ‘Leave me alone for a bit.’ – without her getting offended or sad or mad. It was like that with all the girls, though, I realised. I felt a warmth in my belly at the thought. There’s a certain honesty you can only have with friends.
*
The water was so hot that my skin turned pink when I got in. The bubbles crackled around me and bit by bit I lowered myself down, until I was up to my shoulders in Radox. I’d got my laptop propped on the toilet seat, the screen angled so I could watch the latest episode of Drag Race while my muscles unknotted. My belly was just the right amount of full – from garlic-stuffed chicken that I could never eat around Rowan, because he hated the smell – and a long soak was my final act of self-care. I’d even messaged the group chat to tell them about the promised dinner reservation, then silenced notifications immediately after. If anything terrible happened, they’d call, and just like that …
The episode cut out and my Skype screen kicked in.
‘Bollocks.’ I shifted upright and moved closer to the screen. My contact lenses were lying limp on a shelf somewhere so I could barely make out the caller without craning closer. ‘Why, oh why, didn’t I log out after work so … Oh. So, Rowan couldn’t call.’ I tried to filter down my annoyance as I hit the green button to answer. ‘Hey, handsome.’ I forced a smile and leaned back in the bath.
‘Are you naked?’
‘Well, I’m in the bath.’ I laughed. ‘So, a bit naked?’
‘God, what perfect timing.’ He moved out of view and off-camera, and I heard a door close. ‘I was just calling to check in with you, see that everything is okay.’
‘Nothing to worry about here. The office computers were being given some reboot or another so we all got packed off home to work remotely, which was nice. I’m just, you know, winding down.’ It occurred to me that if this were a call with Molly or Lily or … they would already have apologised and offered to call back. ‘How’s your day been?’
‘Good, yeah, good.’ He took an audible swallow. ‘I can’t believe you’re in the bath.’
‘Well, you’ve seen me naked, Row. Are you – I mean, is it weird? Should I call back …’
‘No, no, I called you.’ He rubbed at the back of his neck. ‘Are you missing me terribly?’
‘More than I can say. How about you?’
He huffed. ‘Of course. All I’ve done is talk, talk, talk about you to Dad.’
Not your mum, though. ‘That’s really sweet.’
‘I told him all about the first venue that we saw, the one that—’
‘Was way too expensive? Tilbury Manor?’
He laughed. ‘I was going to say the one with the moat but sure, we can use your words.’
‘I bet he bloody loves the idea of a moat.’
‘Please …’ Rowan glanced off-screen somewhere. ‘He’s lord of the manor anywhere.’
‘Oh boy, that bad?’ I pulled bubbles closer, to protect what little modesty was left.
‘Eh, yes and no. He’s walked me down memory lane a lot, about when we were kids, how I always said I’d marry you.’ Even through the medium of screens I could see that Rowan looked soft, loved up. He was giving me the sort of look he used to give me on a date night. ‘We’ve spent our whole lives together, Edi. Isn’t that mad?’
‘Like, mad in a good way or …’
He made a noise that I thought was a laugh. But it didn’t sound right. ‘Yes, in a good way. It was when I was talking to Dad, that’s all, it just occurred to me how mad it is that we’ve only ever known each other. It’s special, isn’t it? Not many people can say they’ve got something like that. Something that – I don’t know, something that survives.’
Like a muscle spasm, the memory came to me: the night he told me. I tried to brush the thoughts away with a fake smile and a shrug. ‘I don’t know, look at me and the girls.’
He huffed. ‘I like to think we’re a little different to what you’ve got with the girls.’
Different is probably just the word, I thought but didn’t say. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘Planning on running off into the sunset with one of them?’ Even though I knew in my belly that he must be joking, there was something in his tone that made me uncomfortable. And I couldn’t work out what reaction he wanted. ‘Anyway, Dad just commented on how he didn’t expect us to settle down and all the rest of it. He gave me the same “Are you thinking straight?” speech that everyone else has given us.’
I frowned. Not everyone had given us that speech. But the comment made me wonder who he’d been talking to. I shook my head and tried to find what felt like the right response. ‘Thinking straight or not, when you know, you know. Right?’
‘Right.’ He fidgeted, then smiled, a wide smile that looked clumsy on him. ‘So, I’m driving home Sunday morning. It should take a couple of hours, if I leave early enough, and I was wondering if I could swing by? Probably around lunchtime.’
‘I can make us something?’
‘No, no, that’s not what I meant. I just thought – you know, on my way back, it’d be good to see you. Catch up, talk.’ He gave a tight smile. ‘I haven’t made plans with the lads or anything. I didn’t know whether you were seeing the girls?’
‘Oh, no, I’m seeing them Friday night for the—’
‘Ah, the master plan?’
I laughed. ‘The master plan. I’ve got everything ready. They think it’s just dinner. I don’t know that they’ve guessed there’s anything more to it.’
‘Good.’ He nodded and then looked around the room. ‘That’s really good.’ He sounded like he wanted to say more but didn’t.
Something’s off, I decided, then. ‘Babe, is everything okay? You look like there’s something stuck in your throat.’
‘It’s just been weird, being away from you like this. I’ve thought too much.’ He laughed, and it at least sounded more genuine than the last attempt he’d made. ‘I’ve spent too much time with Mum, too much time talking to Dad. You know what it’s like with them.’
‘Parents and their crazy ways.’ I tried to sound like I was talking generally. But yes, I knew all about Rowan’s parents and how wearing it was to be around them for more than five minutes – let alone half a week. ‘Well, you’ll be home soon.’
And then he made the same noise as before, the nervous laugh that wasn’t a laugh, even though he wanted me to believe it was. ‘It’ll be good, yeah. Be good to see you properly, and I really do want us to talk.’ He took an audible pull of air. ‘Christ, everything is fine. I’m worried I’m making it sound like it isn’t now, but it is. I just want to see you.’ Then he rushed to add, ‘Bloody love you.’
I had the same nervous feeling in my stomach that I got before a smear test. Like someone was about to do something unthinkable but utterly necessary. I couldn’t marry that feeling with talking to Rowan, though. ‘Bloody love you,’ I said back, like nothing was the matter. But the feeling didn’t go away over the evening. Instead, I carried it to bed with me and I lay down next to it. That night, I slept with the same trepidation that I’d come to associate with speculums, lubricants and other grim but necessary things.