I was wearing clothes reserved for date nights – ‘And this is a date night,’ Cora reminded me – but they felt ill-fitting. Although, the longer I waited for NiceGuy2022 – or Jeremy – to arrive, the more I realised that it was the entire experience that didn’t feel like a right fit. Jeremy had been the second person to message me on Plenty of Fish; the first man to message turned out to be someone Lily had slept with and ghosted already. ‘Why did you ghost him?’ Betty had asked, while she skimmed through the man’s profile, but Lily only waved the question away. Then Jeremy had messaged – ‘Absolutely not a nice guy, don’t believe that username,’ Faith narrated, as the voice of online dating experience – but we’d got on well enough for me to agree to coffee.
‘You could suggest dinner,’ Molly piped up, after an hour of stoic silence. She was as on the fence about me dating as I was. But these opportunities were sent to try us.
‘Don’t suggest dinner.’ Betty flat-out refused to budge. ‘Terrible idea.’
I dropped my phone like it was burning my hand; as though I might accidentally type a message suggesting the world’s most romantic dinner while Betty was trying to explain why I shouldn’t. ‘Any advances on why it’s a bad idea?’
Faith opened her mouth to answer but Lily beat her to the punch. ‘Power dynamic.’
‘Absolutely not what she was thinking,’ Cora said.
‘No, no,’ Betty weighed in, ‘it was.’
‘Hello?’ I was holding my phone again by then. ‘Do I want to go for coffee or not?’
‘Yes!’ Faith, Cora, Lily and Betty answered like a chorus.
‘Molly?’ She turned to face me. ‘Do I have your approval?’
Molly came to stand behind me, then, and draped her arms around my shoulders. ‘No. But that doesn’t mean I don’t support you, and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.’ She kissed the top of my head. ‘I’m just in an adjustment period with this whole thing.’
‘Well—’ Betty snatched the phone from me ‘—imagine how Edi must be feeling.’ Molly looked scorned, and when Betty didn’t apologise I wondered whether that had been her intention. ‘He’s offering coffee at four o’clock on a Saturday. I say go for it, but don’t suggest dinner, and definitely don’t ask him what his plans are for later.’
‘Why shouldn’t I ask …’ I petered out. ‘Do you know what? I won’t ask. It’s fine.’
The girls assembled to get me date-ready. And their bags of magic tricks had worked wonders because Jeremy’s eyes lit up when he saw me – like Lily, when she spots a buffet sign. I shifted awkwardly in my own skin while he looked me up and down. ‘Edi, right?’ He held out a hand, which I nervously took. ‘NiceGu— I mean …’ he laughed ‘… Jeremy.’
‘It’s so nice to meet you,’ I lied and flashed him my best toothy grin.
‘Great smile.’ He flashed his own and I felt like I’d started a competition in something. He held the door open to the coffee shop for me. ‘I have to say, I’m a little relieved that you are who you said you are.’ When he followed in behind me I found that I was unexpectedly self-conscious of my own arse. ‘You said you’re new to the online dating thing? But let me tell you, the number of women I’ve met who aren’t anything at all like their pictures is … shocking, genuinely shocking.’
I tried to make sympathetic noises, which was a tricky thing to do when I’d just then realised that Jeremy absolutely was not the six-two build he promised women online he was. ‘I think everyone lies a tiny bit on these things, don’t they?’ We shuffled into a booth at the back of the shop. Although to call the place just a coffee shop was a gross disservice to the proprietors who’d tried to make it coffee-shop-meets-sexy with leather seats and low-lit lighting. ‘I’ve never been here before,’ I said, taking another look round.
‘I bring all my dates here.’
I searched his face to see whether he was joking but there were no signs of it. ‘All of us?’
‘Mm, not true actually. If the woman suggests going somewhere else, I’ll go in for it. But if I’ve got a free hand, we’ll come here.’ He took a glance around, then, but soon looked back at me. ‘It’s good to have a safe space where you know the coffee will be good even if the company isn’t, am I right? Although I do realise I’m making myself sound like I date a lot which I probably don’t, not really.’
‘Okay.’ I desperately wanted to steer the topic away from dating. Desperately. But—
‘You really are beautiful, you know? You have the prettiest face.’ The compliment landed with a thud between us and I physically distanced myself from him; suddenly the table space wasn’t enough. ‘I know looks aren’t everything but …’ Dear God, Jeremy, stop talking. ‘… don’t you think?’ I didn’t think anything because by then I’d totally zoned out, but I nodded all the same. ‘Utter ugly Bettys some of them.’
I forced a laugh. ‘I have a best friend called Betty and she hates that expression.’
He stared back blankly. Then, as though remembering why we were there, he asked, ‘Coffee? What’ll it be, flat white? Lemme guess, some kind of non-dairy milk, too?’ Jeremy narrowed his eyes and pulled his head back in an expression of appraisal. I wondered whether he’d mark me with a red dot in the corner or a sticker saying SOLD if he liked me enough. ‘Oat milk? Flat white with oat milk, right?’
Wrong. ‘Perfect.’
I hadn’t tried anywhere near hard enough with him yet to panic-text the group chat with an SOS. But things were weird enough for me to send them an update. When Jeremy disappeared to order the drink I didn’t want, I pulled my phone out and saw that the girls had beat me to it. There was a string of messages – I love you and I believe you can do this, from Molly; If he gets fresh tell him you’re still on antibiotics, works every time, from Cora; Betty and I have got you dates into next week lined up. Love you. Don’t hate us, from Lily – and two messages on Plenty of Fish. I took a cautious glance at the counter where Jeremy was talking to the server still, and decided I’d got the time. The first was a short and pointless message from a spammy-looking username – Hi pretty – and the second was—
‘Oh my fuck.’ A penis. An actual penis. I didn’t just drop my phone; I slammed it down and pushed it away, as though STDs might be contractable through digital contact. I wanted the offending genitalia as far away from me as I could get it. Which left me open to another problem.
‘Oh.’ Jeremy’s eyes stretched when he saw the screen. He was standing at the end of the table, a red rose in hand. ‘Oh, I see.’
‘That’s not mine,’ I hurried to say. ‘I mean, it’s not mine.’
He laughed. ‘Well, that would have been a first for me from an online date, I have to say.’ He handed me the rose, which I took feeling both like I didn’t deserve or want it because, eurgh, isn’t this a cheese-fest? Where did it even come from? ‘You said on your profile that you’re looking for casual stuff, Edi,’ he said as he sat down opposite me. ‘I’m not exactly surprised that you’ve got other stuff lined up. If it makes you feel better … Oh.’ He paused as the server brought our drinks over; he placed my flat white down and I thanked him, but Jeremy said nothing when his own iced coffee – extra cream, extra syrup, I noticed – was seated on the table. That ignorance was a tick against him.
‘Thank you,’ I made a point of saying again as the server left and Jeremy shook his head lightly and stared, as though it was a strange thing for me to have done.
‘Like I was saying, if it makes you feel better, I’ve got a date lined up for when we’re done here, too.’ He sipped his drink and smiled. ‘That said, I’d rather not see …’
It was only then that I realised I’d left the offending appendage lit up on the table between us. ‘Oh fuck.’ I grabbed it, back-clicked then cradled my forehead, ‘I’m so sorry.’ When I’d stashed the phone out of sight on my lap, though, I couldn’t help but swing back to Jeremy and his not-so reassurances. ‘I’m sorry, did you say you’ve got a date after this?’
‘I do. Down the road, in fact. Do you know the restaurant Bel—’ I don’t know what face I made but it stopped him in his tracks. ‘Is it weird that I have a date after this?’
Yes. ‘I thought you said you brought all your dates here?’
‘Oh, she’s a second date. It’s always a restaurant for the second date.’
‘Same restaurant or …’ Jeremy obviously didn’t sense the sarcasm in my voice given that he actually answered the question!
‘Actually, yeah.’
‘Okay.’ I sipped my drink for something to do. Comedy, I decided, the moment needed more comedy. ‘Well, at least I know you’re not going to try to take me home on the first date.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Let’s not be hasty. Plans get cancelled all the time.’
Under the table I fumbled to unlock my phone. I’d deliberately made Faith my last call of the afternoon, so she was only two clicks away in my call log if I needed to one-ringer her. I smiled, neeeearly laughed at Jeremy’s comment, then feigned a blush so I could look down and check I wasn’t calling Rowan. Because that would about round this experience off nicely, I thought with a heavy heart. Faith called back within seconds, though, and I thought she must have been waiting on the handset. I excused myself with fake concern – ‘I’m so sorry, Jeremy, I better take this real quick’ – and then I made my way to the bathroom.
‘Oh my God,’ Faith said in a deadpan tone when I answered. ‘My period is late and I’m really worried about this guy I didn’t have sex with. Be a best friend and come over.’ She cleared her throat, then, and added, ‘Is that emergency enough?’ in a more jovial tone.
‘I need an airlift-level emergency, Faith. NiceGuy2022 my ass …’