Faith said she could come over to mine after work. I told her I’d provide the refreshments, and she said that seemed a fair trade. But beyond telling her I needed advice, I hadn’t given her much information about what had happened. I’d just slipped a large pepperoni into the oven when she texted to say she was outside, though, so I brushed myself down, took a deep breath and headed to the door. Faith gave me a kiss on the cheek as she walked in, with a bottle of white wine in one hand and her phone in the other. But as I moved to close the door, another body blocked it: Lily.
‘Hey, babes.’ Another kiss, and she followed Faith in the direction of the kitchen.
Faith had been a strategic decision when it came to selecting friends for the job of teaching me how to interact with love interests, a task I hadn’t had to manage, ever. Mine and Rowan’s relationship had already been cemented by the time either of us really knew what making an effort looked like. Sure, there were flowers and nights out and surprise trips away. But when it came to the intricacies of wooing someone, my knowledge started and finished at, ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ which seemed a bold move given that I’d only met Fred twice. And seen her naked once.
I blinked away the memory and followed the girls. ‘I didn’t realise Lily was coming.’
‘This one thought you might need a straight perspective,’ Lily answered, as she crouched down to look through the window of the oven. ‘One pizza? Boy, you really didn’t think anyone else was coming.’
‘I’m sorry …’ I could feel my chest flushing; I was minutes away from the red blotch of panic creeping up my neck. ‘A straight perspective?’
Faith was ferreting through cupboards to find glasses. ‘In case this is about a romantic issue. Ah!’ She finally found the right one. ‘Which I assumed it was. Wine?’
‘Please.’ I could have snatched the bottle from her and upended it. But I waited until there was a glass in front of me before I started to explain anything. ‘So, someone gave me their number and I really need help on what to do next.’ Once their low howls and giggles had abated I carried on. I could feel the heat of my chest, though, and I thought my cheeks must match in colour. ‘Fred. Works at the museum. Also sometimes a model …’
‘I’m sorry, a model?’ Lily leapt in.
‘… and definitely a woman.’
Faith dropped her phone with a thud. ‘Okay, you’ve got my attention.’
‘Lily?’ I said, worried, questioning.
‘Edi?’
‘Are you … I don’t know. Are you okay?’
She threw Faith a quizzical look and then glanced back at me. ‘Yes, are you?’ There was a long pause where no one spoke at all. Then, like a car backfiring, Lily erupted with a sharp burst of laughter. ‘You were worried about telling me.’
‘Well, yeah,’ I admitted. Faith was a safe bet for this confession. But I hadn’t known how anyone else might react. The girls had been amazing through everything in my life. A crisis of sexuality, though, I’d thought might be a crisis too far. That said, I’d been through this with Faith when she came out to me at twelve, and it wasn’t like she hadn’t had a prior brush of this panic with me – another memory that I had to blink hard to get rid of. Lily looked sincerely confused – hurt, even. ‘I’m sorry, Lily. I …’ I crossed the kitchen and ran my hand under the cold tap, before pressing that palm to my forehead, throat, chest. ‘I’m sorry. I hardly feel like I’m thinking straight at the minute.’
Faith snorted. ‘Probably a good thing.’
‘Oh, oh,’ Lily started to laugh, ‘quick thinking for you.’
‘Cow.’ Faith picked up her phone the second it dinged. ‘Score. Shallwetea25 is looking for something similar to me and she’s in the local area. What about this one?’
Lily glanced over. ‘That is definitely not her real picture.’
They bantered back and forth as though I wasn’t standing in front of them – having a minor meltdown over my sexuality, conscience, life. And while Faith swiped left, left, right, supported by Lily’s instructions and laughter and scepticism, I felt the heat move from my face to my stomach, and the sensation was altogether more comforting than the worries I’d started out with. I crossed the room and pulled them both towards me, an arm around each of them.
‘I love you.’
‘Oh, Parcell,’ Faith spoke into my neck, ‘I’ve waited so long—’
‘Faith, she’s having a moment, don’t ruin it.’
I let them go but placed a palm on each of Lily’s shoulders and kept her at arm’s length. ‘I’m sorry that I thought I couldn’t tell you.’
‘Oh shush.’ She reached behind me to the counter and grabbed the bottle of wine. ‘Tell me about Fred now, would you? What kind of model?’
I half-laughed. ‘Life drawing model.’
Faith dropped her phone again. ‘You’ve seen this woman naked?’
I hesitated. ‘Yes.’
‘Then what the hell do you need me for?’
I recounted the first round of flirting – ‘Oh, it’s that woman?’ – and explained the life drawing class had been a happy accident, orchestrated by work. But that since Fred had given me her card, the closest I’d come to using it was wedging it between the pages of whatever book I happened to be reading. I’d typed messages, I admitted, but nothing I could bring myself to send.
‘Out of curiosity,’ Faith asked, when I came up for air, ‘both times you’ve seen this woman, you’ve been wearing that?’ She glanced at my engagement ring, and I nodded. She made a noise. ‘Interesting.’
‘Bad interesting?’
‘I don’t know. Not bad, I wouldn’t say. But she must have assumed you’re fair game, even though you’re obviously … Hm, interesting.’
‘Faith, what are you – you’re killing me. What kind of interesting is it? We didn’t go through this with the online dating. No one coached me; Betty just took my phone and ran with it!’
Lily tapped Faith’s arm. ‘Don’t scare her. No, Edi, not bad interesting. It is interesting, obviously, but look.’ She linked arms with me and matched my stare on the business card that sat between us all on the kitchen worktop. ‘I know you and Rowan have had a certain flavour of relationship for a little while. But there are other flavours out there, you know, babes? Some people have lots of flavours on their plate at once and that suits them. Some people have a favourite flavour that they always stick with. Are you with me?’
Faith sighed. ‘For the cheap seats at the back, she’s trying to say this woman might not give a shit that you’re engaged. Maybe she’s banking on you having an open relationship.’ She picked up her phone again and started to scroll. It was a miracle the woman didn’t have repetitive strain injuries already. In that moment, I hated the open-relationship term. I’d hated it when Gwen had used it, too, but I hated it even more now. That said, if it meant that …
‘So, I shouldn’t mention it?’
Lily deferred the question to Faith, who made a show of thinking about it. ‘No. She will.’
‘You’re certain?’
‘No, Edi, of course I’m not certain. But, if you’re wearing an engagement ring, it’s not like you’re lying to the woman’s face, is it?’
‘Isn’t it a lie by omission, though?’ I turned and looked between them. ‘Not telling someone something just because they haven’t asked, doesn’t mean you’re not lying.’
‘Christ on a cracker, Parcell.’ Faith snatched the business card. ‘Give me your phone.’
I’d talked myself into a corner where the only logical move I had left was to follow someone else’s instructions. I passed the handset over, and let Lily top me up with wine while Faith did whatever it was she planned to do.
‘Have you told Rowan?’ Lily asked, her voice low, as though shielding the question.
‘No. He didn’t tell me about the girl – girls, who even knows. I haven’t mentioned the online dates either. But I don’t think, like, I can’t imagine that when he suggested this, he thought this would be how it shaped up,’ I explained and Lily nodded along. ‘I don’t know how he’ll react to something like this.’
‘Okay, babes. But … you do know that not knowing someone’s reaction to something isn’t a reason not to tell them whatever the thing is? Especially if they’re your partner, actually. Like, I know you have us lot, and we’re here for anything. But Rowan should also be a kind of go-to person for the big stuff.’
‘You think I should tell him?’
Lily kissed my temple. ‘I think you should consider telling him that you’re dating people. Because I think Rowan needs to know this isn’t one-sided. Whether you tell him one of the people you’re dating is a woman? Well …’ Lily glanced over at Faith who was typing furiously. ‘For now, though, you’re in her capable hands. And you can trust Faith when it comes to dating women because she’s definitely better at it than Rowan is.’
‘Damn straight I am.’ She handed me the phone back. ‘She’s on WhatsApp. She’s gorgeous.’
‘Lemme see.’ Lily snatched at it before I could. ‘Oh, Edi. You have done well.’
‘Right? I’m a little jealous, Parcell.’
‘Shut up, the pair of you,’ I warned. But I couldn’t keep a straight face. I grabbed the phone back from Lily and looked at the conversation screen, which had been taken over by a picture of Fred. Her hair was loose, messy but in that chic way, and she looked to be mid-laugh. Christ, I thought as I clicked into the conversation proper, I hope I can make her laugh like that. I read the text twice over – Hi, it’s Edi from the museum. Still putting together that list on where to meet people. How does Benny’s sound? – and I smiled. ‘Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘Oh, fuck, the ticks went blue.’ I dropped the phone. ‘The ticks went blue.’ I leaned over the worktop to look at the screen. ‘She’s online. She’s online and she’s typing.’
Faith laughed and went to the oven. ‘Lil, I’m getting this pizza out. Check the fridge for more wine?’
Lily’s glass was midway to her mouth but she paused and glanced at me. ‘Christ, she’ll need it.’